seekNheal

He came home tonite from his AA meeting, he looked like he was feeling pretty good. We talked a bit & he talked about this weekend. He stays very busy, I think it's part of his recovery. He let me know his to-do's wouldn't interfere w/our family plans we've made.

Then we talked about an upcoming family wedding (Sat.). He talked about us leaving the reception early if he had trouble with being around temptation (alcohol & others drinking) or if he started to experience the negative emotions that follow.

Part of me understands his side of it and I should want to be a supportive wife. But the other part of me just sees the control issue- alcoholism dictating my life once again. If he has a hard time in the situation and can't enjoy himself, then I have to do what suits him, regardless if I want to enjoy myself and not let alcoholism ruin my fun.

I don't remember who mentioned it first, but we also talked about how me and the kids might want to stay at the reception (b/c we will likely enjoy ourselves) and really wouldn't be ready to leave (no, I don't drink). And I said, "Well, maybe we should take separate vehicles." He objected to that and thinks we should go together and leave together-- if he has problems w/the alcohol & drinking then we'd have to leave. I objected to that idea.

An aside: some of his weekend to-do's (to help out a friend) require him to be elsewhere Sat. evening. I can't help but wonder if he's trying to cut our nite short so he can do those things too. I'd be sitting home while he (and possibly our older son) takes off to help out his friend by feeding his farm and domestic animals.

I wonder, if I accept his outlook on this matter am I encouraging that alcoholic selfishness and the me-me-me attitude? Or am I the one being selfish?

Pick-a-name

I often took another car when AH wuld want to leave early (to go home to drink). Unless it is a long drive or something, that's what I'd plan on ,if it was me. Esp. if he already has something else to get back for;he would be sure that he was able to be where he needed to be and you could enjoy your family as long as you want! jmo

prodigal

I agree w/Pick on this one. Why the heck should you have to sit home alone Saturday evening and cut your time short at the reception? He already has something lined up he has to do anyway. So tell him to drive a separate vehicle and go do what he needs to do for his friend. If he starts pitching a fit, don't let it intimidate you. It's his problem, not your's.

Go enjoy the reception. Stay as long as you wish. Don't feel guilty. If he attempts the guilt-trip game, don't buy into it. It's HIS addiction. Let HIM deal with it. Don't get me wrong - I am all for partners supporting the recovering addict, but in this case he is just singing another verse of "ME ME ME." Keep your side of the street clean, and leave it up to him to keep his side his business.

Rella927

Taking another car seems IMHO to be the best idea. There is not reason you cannot be both supportive and have fun.

SaTiT

taking another car seem like the simple thing to do, and it would
be too easy.

There's a little bit of ego or pride and what have ya,
so it's gets a little complicate and always gotta be hard.

not so much control, but not wanting to make a scene,
as if all attention is going to on him/you or what people might think.
which is understand able. but hey...it's not his weding.

cagefree

...What everone else above me said.

There's no reason why you should have to leave with him. It's not your disease.

parentrecovers

separate cars. that's fair.

minnie

In situations like this, I try and think of a win-win scenario. Seems to me that 2 cars is the win-win in this situation, on face value, so that you can each spend the desired amount of time at the party.

Of course, if he has another agenda, then this will become apparent and 2 cars is even more of an imperative.

seekNheal

winnie, the "win-win scenario" gave me an idea--thank you.

i wrote him a letter and explained how the 1-vehicle option was a win-lose situation and how a 2-vehicle option is a win-win. after he read the letter we talked a little and he was open to respecting and understanding my viewpoint. we didn't set plans yet on how we'll go and really, I'm not worried about that now, b/c I know what's the best choice. If he does a turn-around come Sat. and becomes argumentative...oh well, he can deal with his own crappy, selfish attitude.

Thanx a bunch everyone!

seekNheal

ha ha. that last post was s'posed to read "minnie", sorry bout that. guess that win-win phrase was on my mind!