twinspeak

I find my emotions all over the place. This board is a lifesaver. I imagine myself maybe helping somoene someday.


I am so angry right now but this is good. Not crying. He has not called since Monday and has not seen the kids since Sunday. Said he was looking into rehab.
I told him to contact me when he knew of his plans.
How long does that take?

Ok so I have to ask this because it is bothering me.

My AH stopped having sex with me over 8 years ago.

How common is this? And not he couldn't be having an affair. He never ever leaves the house and does not go on the computer.

Do they shut down?

I blamed myself for so long.

Tonight I feel like this..."Enough of the pity party...this time I am going to fix ME."

CBrown

I can't speak for your husband, but my XABF "shut down." He was always a very sexual person, in fact I question whether he was a sexual addict. He got himself involved in a scandal with the woman he was living with back in the 90s by getting involved with cyber sex with several women, sleeping with his SO's friends, etc. He always did have ED issues in the evening when he was trashed.

Now that he's later stage, he cannot "function" at all without pills, which I told him to forget about, because I was afraid he'd have a heart attack (combined with all the alcohol, heart troubles, etc.). Actually his inability to function made him a more unselfish lover. Before it was all about him, but since he cannot, it's all about his lover. Unfortunately, he learned that's a trick to lure enablers and I guarantee you he was practicing that trick before I was out of the picture. All he talks about is sex, and he can't enjoy it anymore. Very sad.

Pick-a-name

Hi; sorry you are hurting.

The first 23 or 24y of our marriage, our sex-life was good. The last year few years (before he moved out) it wasn't much to speak of. Let's assume for this discussionthat there were no mean words,etc and we could have both been "in the mood"....A nightly drinker,he would be pretty-much passed out by the time I came upstairs (even if we headed up at the same time;he was out for the count in less time than it took me to brush my teeth!) If a miracle happened and he was awake, it got so he was having "equipment problems" and he became less interested and/or able to perform. It then became all about when him and times when he wasn't drinking (not especially easy when you have several kids in the house). Eventually, I couldn't get any sleep in the same bed because of the snoring and muscle twitches,which moved on to become yelling and fighting in his sleep,usually in the air,but not always! (I got a punch in the eye once!). He moved out and later it turns out he found a new enabler and Viagra,so I don't know about all that except that I'm sure his drinking was down to a lesser amount at that time to be able to hook her in.

My AH never left the house either for years but in the last months, I think he might have been on the computer a little bit (like the Playboy site or something because at that time he had to ask me or the kids how to use it or find things). (Our old computer was so slow that I disengaged the images and he never knew,but did buy us a new computer! haha)
The women thing came later......with the progression. Wanted to hang out with "fun" people. He was about 50y then,so that might have played into it,too.

The "performance problems" are common with many A's,it seems,especially after years of drinking.

I don't know if helps you any, but that is what happened in our case. A marriage counselor suggested "it was because I was getting older and wasn't as attractive as younger women to him"....gee,thanks! ( I thought the same about the balding,heavy,etc.,therapist and AH when he said it!!)

With an active A, if it isn't about them;seems it doesn't matter! I'd guess it's not about you and probably about the alcoholism,no matter what kind of spin is put on it;if any.

Yes; he "shut down" across the board (emotionally,socially,etc.) as the time went on and the drinking increased. That played into it,too. It was as if the lights were on,but nobody was home.

twinspeak

Thanks for the replies.
For us it is not a matter of shutting down physicially because I have seen him masterbate etc....

He shut down and blamed me for everything. I gained weight. I am ugly. I am this or that etc......

I started sleeping in the basement because he would shove me in bed and say I was snoring and kick me and etc.....


Not that it mattered. He wouldn't have touched me anyway.
Last night my girls cried for their Daddy. I am hurting but know I cannot go back.

It gets harder every day yet I seem to learn something about myself everyday too.