Introducing myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Swansea
Posts: 4
Introducing myself
Hi to all. This is my first post in the forum.
I am a 24 year old alcoholic. I've been sober now for six months. I gave up because my partner simply couldn't handle the effects of my drinking. I felt at the time like it was definetly the right thing to do and I did it mainly to save my relationship. However, I realised recently that I wasn't ready at that point to give up because I hadn't actually accepted the full extent of my alcoholism. I have only recently started accepting that I have a disease that will always be there whether I drink or not. In the immediate aftermath of quitting the drink I suffered physical side effects, namely shakey nerves and a constantly fluctuating temperature,but I've actually found the mental battle since being sober alot harder to deal with.
Essentially, I've been a heavy daily drinker since my teenage years and what I've realised is that until I stopped drinking I never truly "felt" anything. It was like my feelings were always kept sedated. So now as a sober man I seem to feel everything twice as much as I should, my emotions are very raw. All my feelings seem heightened and a problem area has been dealing with any feelings of anger and annoyance. I don't like confrontation and it makes me feel awful but sometimes I just get this incredible anger rising in my chest and usually my partner bears the brunt. I've recently started to deal with things far better but it does involve some hard work on my part. Usually I would just get drunk when I felt any emotion,but now that I don't have that to hide behind I just feel very vunerable and actually a little confused as to who the "real me" is.
I am actually quite succesful in my proffesion and my career prospects are great but how I've managed to be in that position I don't know because I've been an active alcoholic for years. I also have a wonderful partner and family, so I feel very lucky that my active alcoholism didn't lose me everything. But I do find sobriety tough and even though I'm very contented with how my life is going it's still hard to deal with such raw emotions. Sometimes I feel like I'm going mad when I get annoyed about stupid little things. I've also privately cried and even had panic attacks as a result of innocuous incidents, things that would never have been a regular occurence for me before. At times I just can't seem to let go of different feelings and I let them bring me, and those around me, down.
The hardest thing for me is to actually admit to those around me that I'm feeling all of these things. Although I've accepted that I'm an alcoholic I still have this overwhelming sense of embarrasment. I'm embarrased about being an alcoholic and I'm also embarrassed about feeling such raw emotions now that I'm sober. It's also difficult to realise that I can't do this all on my own and need guidance and reassurance, even though I have alot of pride and feel I should be able to handle things without support. This is clearly a big contributing factor to the feelings of anger and confusion that are often there.
But to end on a positive note... I have not touched a drop of alcohol for six months and I'm very lucky in that I have the complete support of my partner who I love very much. I also feel very glad to have found this forum and I would really like to develop contacts with members and become a regular part of this support network. It's always a big help to me to know that I'm not the only one going through all of this.
I am a 24 year old alcoholic. I've been sober now for six months. I gave up because my partner simply couldn't handle the effects of my drinking. I felt at the time like it was definetly the right thing to do and I did it mainly to save my relationship. However, I realised recently that I wasn't ready at that point to give up because I hadn't actually accepted the full extent of my alcoholism. I have only recently started accepting that I have a disease that will always be there whether I drink or not. In the immediate aftermath of quitting the drink I suffered physical side effects, namely shakey nerves and a constantly fluctuating temperature,but I've actually found the mental battle since being sober alot harder to deal with.
Essentially, I've been a heavy daily drinker since my teenage years and what I've realised is that until I stopped drinking I never truly "felt" anything. It was like my feelings were always kept sedated. So now as a sober man I seem to feel everything twice as much as I should, my emotions are very raw. All my feelings seem heightened and a problem area has been dealing with any feelings of anger and annoyance. I don't like confrontation and it makes me feel awful but sometimes I just get this incredible anger rising in my chest and usually my partner bears the brunt. I've recently started to deal with things far better but it does involve some hard work on my part. Usually I would just get drunk when I felt any emotion,but now that I don't have that to hide behind I just feel very vunerable and actually a little confused as to who the "real me" is.
I am actually quite succesful in my proffesion and my career prospects are great but how I've managed to be in that position I don't know because I've been an active alcoholic for years. I also have a wonderful partner and family, so I feel very lucky that my active alcoholism didn't lose me everything. But I do find sobriety tough and even though I'm very contented with how my life is going it's still hard to deal with such raw emotions. Sometimes I feel like I'm going mad when I get annoyed about stupid little things. I've also privately cried and even had panic attacks as a result of innocuous incidents, things that would never have been a regular occurence for me before. At times I just can't seem to let go of different feelings and I let them bring me, and those around me, down.
The hardest thing for me is to actually admit to those around me that I'm feeling all of these things. Although I've accepted that I'm an alcoholic I still have this overwhelming sense of embarrasment. I'm embarrased about being an alcoholic and I'm also embarrassed about feeling such raw emotions now that I'm sober. It's also difficult to realise that I can't do this all on my own and need guidance and reassurance, even though I have alot of pride and feel I should be able to handle things without support. This is clearly a big contributing factor to the feelings of anger and confusion that are often there.
But to end on a positive note... I have not touched a drop of alcohol for six months and I'm very lucky in that I have the complete support of my partner who I love very much. I also feel very glad to have found this forum and I would really like to develop contacts with members and become a regular part of this support network. It's always a big help to me to know that I'm not the only one going through all of this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Recovery
Posts: 3,229
Welcome to SR! Thanks for the wonderful introduction. I can relate to your post about running from feelings and emotions and then it all becomes so real once we get sober. I hear it gets easier. The good thing is you also get to feel true joy again. Before when you numbed the negative emotions, you also numbed the positive. So you can really feel alive again. It just takes time for us to come alive to the world again without hiding behind the bottle induced haze.
You will find a lot of support here so keep reaching out!
You will find a lot of support here so keep reaching out!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Swansea
Posts: 4
Thanks for the welcome guys!
NewtonK, I was drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels a day prior to quitting. Looking back I noticed the progression of my drinking. I began on cider, progressed to lager, then to real ale then onto spirits, which is what I drank for the last few years. I progressed because I built up an immunity to my drink of choice and it wasn't having the same effect, so I started drinking stronger stuff. By the end, even a bottle of Jack Daniels a day didn't seem enough and if I'd had more money I think I would have drank two a day! I was staying in a hotel while working a job once and in the space of a week I single handedly cleared them out of their supply of Jack Daniels. That incident is a great example of the difference between drunk and sober thinking. When it happened I thought it was funny but now I'm sober I think it was shameful and ridiculous.
Thanks again for all the messages, I'm really glad I've found this forum!
NewtonK, I was drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels a day prior to quitting. Looking back I noticed the progression of my drinking. I began on cider, progressed to lager, then to real ale then onto spirits, which is what I drank for the last few years. I progressed because I built up an immunity to my drink of choice and it wasn't having the same effect, so I started drinking stronger stuff. By the end, even a bottle of Jack Daniels a day didn't seem enough and if I'd had more money I think I would have drank two a day! I was staying in a hotel while working a job once and in the space of a week I single handedly cleared them out of their supply of Jack Daniels. That incident is a great example of the difference between drunk and sober thinking. When it happened I thought it was funny but now I'm sober I think it was shameful and ridiculous.
Thanks again for all the messages, I'm really glad I've found this forum!
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Swansea congrats on a major accomplishment, I was never able to whiteknuckle it for even a month, the only thing I found that made sobriety a real pleasure for me was AA. Find a program, AA or what ever that will allow you to change, stopping drinking and changing nothing about myself as a person for me always led me back to the drinking because I was still a drunk even though I was not drinking it was all I thought about.
AA (Program of your choice) has allowed me to become a far better me then I ever was, I am no longer Martin the drunk, I am now Martin a recovered alcoholic. Huge difference, I am happy today with who I am, and those around me are happy also.
AA (Program of your choice) has allowed me to become a far better me then I ever was, I am no longer Martin the drunk, I am now Martin a recovered alcoholic. Huge difference, I am happy today with who I am, and those around me are happy also.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: England
Posts: 1,733
Welcome Swansea,congrats on the six months.I was a nightmare binge drinker when i was your age,but thankfully dropped the spirits for beer(where i was more in control).Incidently i went to Swansea once and stocked up at the offy by the station for a 3 hour train journey home.That resulted in another drunken binge.All the best,loads of help on here.
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