wayconfused

Hello all, Most of you know I moved out about a month and half ago.. But, I started letting him come around there to take a shower and eat. Then he wreaked his car and I have been taking him back and forth to work. And he has started on me about moving back home. Even though he has torn it most of the way down. He is wanting to put another mobile home there. Adn he says that if I will help him. And come home he will sign a contract stating that if he doesn't quit taking pills he will leave and give me a the kids the land. I just dont trust that. But, to be honest I feel myself slipping back there. I dont really want to be there cause I know he isn't going to change. I love him very much, but I keep asking myself is it worth it. It is still a pill everyday. And if I say anything he will make me feel bad... I just dont know what the heck to do... I dont want to sit around my whole life and wait for him to sober up. He says he wants to be straight but his actions show me different...
The only thing is my house there is paid for.
Sometimes I wish I could just walk away from here and not look back.. But I dont know how to with out feeling guilty.

BrokenBridges24

(((HUG))) But if you do not start making some boundaries what will change? He wrecked his car not you. Why has he not taken action and gotten a new one? Why has he not called and gotten a bus pass? Are you supposed to be his personal driver now? With being his driver does that mean he gets to come home? Nothing will change if nothing changes. If we keep repeating the same patterns and doing the same thing nothing changes. Why does he have to wear you down? Is that love? Does complaining and harping and begging mean he loves you back? If he loved you would he not be doing what he needs to do to get himself healthy for himself and then find his way to your heart? Healthy? Caretaking him and being his personal driver is putting you as his caretaker. You will always be there to clean up his mess. He wrecked his car. He should be getting it fixed or calling for a bus pass. You have done enough. He has not changed. You said he still has a pill every day? Why does buying land and putting a trailer on it suddenly make him think he will be responsible to stick around and help you pay for it and stop taking those pills? I would seriously think that you will be left holding the bag while he pops another pill. You should get to a meeting. You need to set clear boundaries. I have no idea what he is like but this to me is not love. If he is bribing you to get back in the house...that is manipulation not love. Set boundaries. Let go and get your hands off the addict. Let him figure things out for a while. When he has no ride maybe then he can ask his pills to call him a cab since they mean so darn much and he is still taking them.

(((HUGS)))

Sorry but your a nice person. Just do not be so nice you get sick helping him out and making yourself miserable.

-Broken

wayconfused

I do feel that way.. I am so unhappy when he is around. Cause I know what will happen. And yes he does take pills everyday. Xanax and hydrocodine. Its crazy. And I know he is very much so manipulating me. I just dont know how to stop it. Cause he can make me feel so guilty. I have to figure out how to just let go..
I wished I knew how to stop feeling like I am responsible for him. cause for some reason I do... I know in my heart that I can replace that land. And I have been doing good at the rent house. I just hate it that I have a placed paid for and still am having to pay someone.
Thanks fo rthe tlk sometimes I need "tough love" ..
I look at my kids and think I would never wantthem to put up with what I have so why is it so hard to practice what I preach.

caileesnana

Because you are scared, scared of being alone and scared of what will happen to him. He is in charge of him, and apparently you! We are powerless over the addicts we love. We can either watch them destory them and us, or change ourselves. Dr. Phil says anytime kids are involved, it's a no brainer. Get out, protect the kids at all cost.
You're still in my prayers, I think you know what you need to do, you just don't want to...it's too hard.
prayers,
susan

BrokenBridges24

Way.. I hear ya. God knows it is easy for me to stand on the side line and say what I think but doing it...well I am not there. You are. You have to do what is right for you. Manipulation is not love Sweetie. He is working you. He knows your a kind loving person and he knows you feel guilty. But what the heck do you have to be guilty about? You did not do one thing. He is doing it. He is still doing it. You gotta take care of you. You because those kids need you. You are their light. You are the only one they can rely on. I feel bad for you. God I wish I could wrap you all up and take you away from this. But I can't you have to work this for you.

I am here if you need a buddy. I will stand beside you no matter what. Just do not be a door map sweetie. If you are unhappy stop and do something to be happy again.

Tons of Love,
Broken

wayconfused

I know you are right. I am scared. If I dont talk to him though I do pretty good.
I know he is going to take me down with him if he can...

caileesnana

I live in TX too. You can PM me if you want my phone # to have someone to talk to, you deserve better! Plus, after the mess w/ my AD I have learned of many safe places for families should the need ever arise!
Not trying to be mean, I too am on the outside looking in!

GiveLove

Hi wayconfused,

Just sending you some hugs & strength this morning.

If you do better not talking to him, maybe that's a clue that you should find some way to make that happen.

First, if you can find the strength, the best thing might be to give him fair warning: I'll be your personal chauffer for three more days and then you have to find another solution. YOU did this, not me. And stick to it.

And try to find some way not to talk to him. Somehow. Stop answering his calls if he won't respect you. He seems to care only about himself and his own needs, manipulating you and making you feel bad. I know you care about him but you really do deserve better than this.

I know...I'm on the outside looking in too. But gosh, it's hard to watch you being treated like this.

Hugs,
GL

TrishaV

Humm...how many times does a person have to hear "if you do this...I will stop doing this"? The key word is YOU, if you let him come back home he will stop using..which to me sounds like he beleives he is going to try to quit for YOU and not himself...which will never work. Only you know deep in your heart if this lifestyle is what you want or don't want. Love hurts...addiction I think hurts worse. If I read this correctly...while he is making your the promise to change....he still popped a pill that very same morning. Actions speak louder than words. I would honestly tell him that he needs to be clean a certain length of time before the thought of ever getting back together can be discussed or even considered. Of course..that is just my opinion.

Wascally Wabbit

How has life been since he moved out? Have you felt better about life in general?
If he comes back, you already have the experience with him to know what might/likely happen.
As for the contract, if you are letting him back in, CYOB!! Get him to sign it and have it notarized. Then, he can't renig if things go south.
Don't allow your self to be used.

krhea75

Just hugs coming your way....it's got to be so tough. My addict is my son, so I can't walk away. But so far you have made some good steps. How about give it some time?
krhea

LearningHusband

You give him an awful lot of power. I wonder why you don't just get mad instead of acquiescing over and over. If you get mad, it's easier to set boundaries and keep them, I've found. Instead of a contract, why don't you tell him that if, in 6 months, he can produce a clean "hair test" (which covers at least three months), that you will discuss the possiblity at that time. That way HE is knows what he has to do to gain certain priviliges. I can tell you that my ex wife has yet to produce a clean test since it covers such a long (in their world) period. And there's no way to fudge or mask the test.

This contract BS is just another manipulation from the way you describe it. Do what's best for you and get mad! It helps take the "wimpies" away.

LH

Ann

Sweetie, it isn't Flag Day but look at all the red flags. Tell me, what's in it for you (besides the value of the property)? What about "your" values?

You have so much life ahead of you, life worth living well.

You have choices, and no matter what ones you make, we're walking with you. Just let me know if we need to bring along a stretcher, okay?

All said with love in my heart because I really do care but just wondered if you noticed the flags.

Hugs

wayconfused

Yes, I do.. I find myself asking why does this have to be so hard. Last night was a bad night. Then when I got to the house this morning to take him to work we argued again. About the selling the land. And he tried to jump out of the truck as usual. And I just drove off and called his boss. (which he rides on into work with). JUst now he calls and is crying, and said the house was fixing to be condemened since he has tore all the walls and things out. It looks so bad there. It is sad. BUt, he now has me crying and I dont understand why.. He just said were not going to spend any more time together. And would I please come see him in a few days. But, to be honest I am ready for the hurting to stop. And if I go there it wont. I just pray that I am strong enough to stand up and keep my head on straight. I really dont know what else to do any more I have tried everything and still nothing changes. So maybe this time if I just dont go there or let him come around me I will be okay.

Ann

Prayer can give us strength we didn't know we had. It just works like that.

You're doing fine

nytepassion

You are wise not to trust that. He clearly isn't ready for recovery... what he is ready for is for you to come home.

Lets look closely at what he said .. if you will help him and come home first then he will sign a contract (those are words of a person who is clearly caught up in active addiction and is bartering to have you and their addiction too) now mind you .. he may have good intentions, but good intentions are not enough to fight this battle and will quickly fall prey to his addiction.

If he was ready for recovery he would have already made steps in that direction. He wouldn't be trying to bargain with you ..

His words already are a reflection of the struggle he is having "If I don't stop taking pills" so clearly he is hasn't stopped .. and if you leaving wasn't enough to make him stop .. what makes him think you coming home will be enough to make him stop. He has an addiction and it is more powerful then realizes ... and until he is ready to get help he will beg, bargain and plead to have his cake and eat it too.

And actions are louder than words - AMEN!

You are wise not to trust him right now.

It isn't about you coming home and then him getting clean .. he wasn't able to do it before what makes him think he will be able to do it now .. what is different? whats his plan? Is he going to meetings? Does he plan to go to rehab? What is HE doing to shake the monkey off his back? His own words tell the story .. he is still using.

If he can't quit now .. what makes him think he is gonna quit later.... He might as well just sign the land over too you now and leave ..

Stand strong .. stand your ground ... (you have his attention) he knows something has to change .. (as addicts our biggest fight is to have things our way and keep our drugs too) ... This is your time to show him .. it can't be that way no more and that he has to change before YOU will even consider coming home... Better yet .. why doesn't he go into rehab and let you come home ... why do you have to be the one struggling


******{Hugs}}}}}
Passion

wayconfused

I wished he would cause it is hard, To keep everything going. But, no matter how hard it gets I know I have to make changes or in another 20 years I will be at this same spot.. I am fighting this battle with my heart and my head. If I could only get them on the same page...
Thaks for all the good advise. I am going to try to stand strong. I know its going to be hard but, I have to. I keep looking at the big picture. And he isnt even talking about getting help. No rehab. no nothing just me come home and things will work themself out. But, I have alreay beeen there done that. I am no fool. and I hate to be used and that is what is happening.
I thank god for this site and all of you...
Big Hugs... to all.....

BigSis

This is the part where you hand your life and your well-being over to an active addict.

You sound like someone who desperately needs boundaries with this man... but are waiting for HIM to give you permission.

I also think you know this won't work. So it comes back to you.

Have you made a list of the things in life that give you joy? Thought about the things that make YOU happy? What colors you like, what songs are your favorites, how you like to decorate, what sort of dream car or dream home YOU have in mind. What about career...are you where you want to be? Do you have ideas of going back to school, taking some fun classes to learn how to knit, crochet, quilt or line dance? Do you have dreams of learning to snow ski this winter or taking a vacation to an amusement park with friends?

When I think about my life, I realize there is much I have not yet done. When I look to where my energy is being spent... I can see why. My life has been spent taking care of others. As noble as it sounds... I do it because I GET something from it. I get recognition and love and warm hugs and sweet smiles.

But I do GET something from it.

Today I have to look at my life and strike a different balance. I do not HAVE to be anybody's counselor or nurse or caregiver or support system or rock or the one they go to when THEY don't get what they need.

I can give unselfishly if I want to... I can volunteer at the animal shelter or give time to the Red Cross or the Homeless shelter. I can give structured, limited time where it will do the most good.... AND get on with the rest of my life.

But I can only do that by taking MY focus off others and putting it back on me.




With love,



BigSis

hello-kitty

Try setting boundaries for yourself and your behavior instead of him and his behavior. Then you can practice sticking to your own boundaries. Start with easy ones and then move to tougher ones.

Change is hard and it take practice. Give yourself a chance to be successful.

For example, right now what your personal boundaries are telling him is:

• It is ok for people to walk all over me and take advantage of my generousity.

Is that an acceptable boundary for you?

If not then change it:

• It is not ok for people to walk all over me and take advantage of my generousity. I will no longer allow people like that to be a part of my life.

That makes your boundary a positive thing. Instead of trying to force boundaries on others, you are building yourself up with your boundaries.

You deserve it. And you will feel better and more powerful and more in control.

Does that make any sense to you?

Give it a try.

It worked for me and now I no longer have an abf living in my house, being abusive and taking me & my $$ for grant it. Sure sometimes I feel bad that he is now homeless and has no contact with his children, but in reality those were his choices by not respecting my boundaries. I remember my boundaries and I feel absolutely 100% confident that I am worth it and doing the right thing.

hope213

he is out...do not feel guilty. you can get another house but you can never get back time. time with him is just not worth it.keep going forward.hugs & prayers, hope