queenteree

AH knew that the RE agent came to the house on Sat so I could list the house. Posted on that one, and I decided to see a divorce attorney first. Yesterday AH calls from his job at around noon, said he was in trouble for an argument he had on Friday, they suspect he is drinking, told him to go home and sleep it off. Proceeds to tell me that since he is losing his job and he lost me, he has nothing, that for me to just remember he loves me, always will, blah blah blah. Anyway, people and my sister tell me they are afraid he may kill himself, wanted me to leave and check on him (which I didn't at first but after about 4 hours I did). He was fine, sleeping, but then was telling me he was "tired of worrying about everyone and everything" how he always is there for everyone and no one is there for him, how much he does for everyone, he's tired of it all and tired of meetings, etc. Anyway, first things first, I tell him to get off his soapbox and get a plan into action to get sober and keep his job. Made a big mistake of letting him sleep in the bed last night. He kept asking me if "we" were going to be OK. Never answered him (cause we won't be!). Anyway, he's up for work today w/withdrawals but he has to go in to face the music (really afraid of getting fired). Anyway, calls me this morning telling me everyone was so nice to him, that he's not getting fired (of course not, never suffers any consequences of his actions). Then asks if we"re going to be OK. I told him we'd talk (didn't say when). He said he'll see me later and he'll be sober (him saying that is flat out telling me that while he can't drink all day at work, he will need some kind of leveler on the way home - my guess two 24oz Buds in 15 minutes, that will give him the good head start he needs to be on his way). Anyway, I am sick to death of this crap. I am tired of worrying and doing for everyone (which is why I go to Alanon 5 nites a week now), I'm tired of not going places like my office Xmas party or christenings and such, alone or with a drunk. I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of being treated like dirt and insulted when he's drunk. I'm plain tired of him. I don't even love him anymore. I used to say I love him but I'm not in love with him. Now I can't even think that I love him cause I don't. I just want out and never have to see another alcoholic in my life. Anyway, I want to get these papers drawn up right away, and I want to get an attorney right away. I should have did this 2 years ago and I don't want to waste another minute of my life. When I tell him tonite (I can't wait till he's sober cause that may never happen), I know it will be all twisted and I know I will be aggrevated and lose sleep. If anyone can relate to me their experiences when they told their exah they wanted a divorce no matter what, I would appreciate it. Thanks.
Terri

Barbara52

I sat my AH down at a Starbucks (neutral territory) and again told him that I wasn't coming back, that I had hired an attorney to draw up the separation papers, etc. He remains in denial to this day six weeks later. He truly chooses to believe I am not serious. That's ok. Many when he receives the separation papers he'll start believing. Maybe it won't be until we meet in court. Either way, it doesn't really matter. I will go on healing and reforming my life the way I want it. If he doesn't sign the separation agreement, if he forces me to get the court to order the sale of the house, it only delays the inevitable. I can wait knowing that worst case, I'll be divorced next Aug.

WhatAboutME

My AH is also in complete denial. I hired an attorney to draw up the papers and my AH checked himself into a long-term treatment program for 4 months (if he stays) in another state. Everyday he calls or leaves messages, "Are you sure you really want to do this...blah, blah, blah". Regardless of how long it takes to finalize the divorce or how long he chooses to remain in la-la land, the final result will be the same. I am over this marriage and ready to move on! Good luck in "the talk"!

sunshine321

Just wanted to give you ((((( ))))) Terri and tell you that I have tremendous respect for the courage you have. Hope it goes better than you expect.

Jenny

Astro

(((Terri))) Well, if he's anything like this alcoholic expect plenty of drama. I think my first words after my ex told me she wanted a divorce were "you can't really mean that?" followed by "please don't do this to me/us". In the weeks that followed prior to my moving out (getting the boot in the @ss!) I came up with some real doozies like "how will you pay the mortgage and maintain our home?", "who's going to do the yardwork?", and "how will you take care of our children by yourself?". Amazingly, she lives in the same house, married the guy she had an affair with, takes care of the yard and maintains the house just fine, and we co-parent our children very well. Just before I moved out we took a stab at counseling and reconciliation, but she stood her ground and told me to leave. My last pathetic attempt at forgiveness found me on my knees, crying and begging for her to reconsider.

She deserved way more credit than I gave her for protecting herself, our children, and for saving her sanity. After all, she'd been doing it for years while I was lost in my disease.

Barbara52

Almost word for word quote of my AH. Along with statements about how could I suddenly decide to do this. As if I hadn't been talking about it for quite a while and had warned him it was coming. He just conveniently doesn't remember any of those conversations.

queenteree

He's already said all weekend that he can't believe that with all the stuff he puts up with with me, that I want a divorce. He said he puts up with all my crap because he "loves me". Well, I don't do crap. I follow the steps, have taken my inventory and I don't do anything. He keeps saying he can't believe I'd throw away 20 years because of a "slip", "one little mistake" (an 8 day mistake then a 6 day mistake). Astro, I know it will probably be drama, that's what I'm expecting too. Wants me to ask a lawyer I know personally to be our attorney (I frankly don't want to mix friends w/divorce) so I am going to ask my ex-boss if he can do it (not sure if he can but I know he won't rip me off). Either way, I guess I'll keep going to my meetings and hope for the best and will be divorced fairly soon. I'm just really not in the mood for drama.

Astro

Being that I was very early in sobriety, I wasn't anywhere near admitting that I had a part in breaking up our marriage, as far as I was concerned it was all her fault and she was being stubborn about wanting to work things out. Denial, denial, denial.

kj21

My ex husband refused to believe it too. When he got served the papers he put them on my windshield at work. He threatened me and I had to get a restraining order. He didn't show up at any court dates. sorry to say but it was ugly. But so worth it!!!

queenteree

He wasn't drunk or drinking when I got home from my meeting last night. He went to a meeting and was sober (at least looked it to me). Anyway, this morning he tells me he knows he's screwed up, lost all my trust and wants to gain it back. He said he will do the right thing, whatever it takes. I told him that I thought it best if we got a separation agreement drawn up and sell the house cause we've been down this road before, way too many times, and that I deserved better. I also told him I don't want to be emotionally blackmailed thru it w/ his "if you leave, I might as well drink" cause that would be his choice, not forced by me and if he tries to blame me, it won't work. I also told him that I never want to see another alcoholic again in my life. He totally accepts responsibility for everything and understands. He asked me if, instead of going straight for divorce and selling the house, would I consider him moving to the apt. at his mothers for a few months, work on his sobriety and recovery and try to work on us getting back together. I said I'd think about it, that maybe time apart for both of us w/no contact and working on ourselves may help, that maybe he will realize without me what he may lose forever (so he could "think" before he "drinks") and I will realize if I really like living without him and the drama that alcoholism brings. Well, then the tune changes, his mother is 78 and he really doesn't want her to worry or get upset, so how about if he lives upstairs for a few months and if he drinks, he's out of the house (yeah right, like he'll listen to me if I put him out for drinking, hasn't worked yet!). I told him he may as well stay upstairs for now anyway, even if I do file for divorce cause financially we both can't live anywhere else w/out our house going into foreclosure. So that's the update, tonite he's going fishing (if he were serious, he'd go to a meeting). He said he would go to 90 in 90, I told him he could go to 190 in 90 and nothing will change if nothing changes and he needs to want to change and work the program. He just doesn't get it, nor will he ever.

sunshine321

Glad things went better than you expected. You are right, sounds like nothing has changed. He is still trying to bargain so I guess he really isn't accepting full responsibility. The trick to AA is you have to do the 1st Step if the program is going to work. My abf told me the night before he relapsed that he still hasn't surrendered. That's a problem. A big one, which is why he is still drinking every night. Hope some of the drama ends for you. Stick to your boundaries and be strong!

Jenny

denny57

Isn't it amazing how simple it becomes while working on acceptance and clarity? All the other is just chaos and crazy making.

Hang in there QT. ((()))