Guilt, sadness....feeling lost...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 126
Guilt, sadness....feeling lost...
After his first suicide attempts, and rehab, and relapse, and me trying to break it off (all happening within the last week or so), I got drawn back in and it was…IS…horrible.
My ABF has been calling, telling me how much he loves me over & over…and here I was, trying to “stay strong” and I kept telling him…You have to love yourself first, and I can’t see you, and I can’t let him kill me as he kills himself…I used the words, “I can’t let you take me down with the ship.” I feel overwhelming guilt now…
His mom calls me, and tells me she found him in his room with a belt around his arm and a knife…he told her he was seconds from doing it. She left the house right away, and took his brothers to a nearby store (they are much younger—16 and 13).
Weather this is what I should of/shouldn’t have done is pointless now…because I already did it…but I met up with his mom & dad—they wanted to do an “intervention”. For some reason, we couldn’t get a hold of anyone else—every other family, friend, priest, whoever!—was out of town. So, the 3 of us went over to see him…as soon as knew I was at the house, he was so embarrassed for me to be there and see him—he jumped from the 2nd story window of his house and ran. We called 911…I was hysterical. The police had just taken him in after the incident last Monday ( http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-any-help.html )
And he apparently had 2 firearm warrants from last week (from being intoxicated and carrying the gun he was planning to kill himself with) so the police were able to search for him—in order to arrest him—last night.
The whole thing was unbelievably traumatic…
I had to call 911 again…I was so scared he was lying on the ground out the window dead…I couldn’t look. When I found out he had taken off running—drunk, injured & possibly with a knife…I was so scared he was lying dead somewhere in the woods. He had nowhere to go.
I spent an hour sitting inside his parent’s house, while the police searched the area. Eventually he somehow snuck around the police and came to the front door banging with a big stick. We didn’t open it, and called 911 again…but the ABF ran again before the police could get back to the house. Eventually the police decided to act as if they were leaving the area, and I spent 2 more hours in the house in dead silence…listening only to the police radio…with 2 police officers hiding in the house with us with tazer guns. He did come back again—and his mom opened the door—he was still drunk, covered in mud, and yelling at his mom…he broke the stick over his knee….and the police took him down and took him back to jail yelling & screaming.
I found a note to me in his bedroom…parts of it said, “the plans I made for me will put an end to us”…“and you will not go down with the sinking ship…” and quoted a song, “…I've seen fire and I've seen rain…I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end, I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend…But I always thought that I'd see you again...”
I am CONSUMED with guilt and I am so so so sad….I keep thinking, WHY did I say that to him??? WHY was I so harsh? WHY wasn’t I there for him tonight when he told me he loved me? WHY wasn’t I there when he told me he needed me??? WHY didn’t I go to the meeting he asked me to go to with him??? WHY did I refuse to see him??? WHY didn’t I go to church with him the other day??? I love him so much, and I am so afraid, and so sad….
thanks for listening
My ABF has been calling, telling me how much he loves me over & over…and here I was, trying to “stay strong” and I kept telling him…You have to love yourself first, and I can’t see you, and I can’t let him kill me as he kills himself…I used the words, “I can’t let you take me down with the ship.” I feel overwhelming guilt now…
His mom calls me, and tells me she found him in his room with a belt around his arm and a knife…he told her he was seconds from doing it. She left the house right away, and took his brothers to a nearby store (they are much younger—16 and 13).
Weather this is what I should of/shouldn’t have done is pointless now…because I already did it…but I met up with his mom & dad—they wanted to do an “intervention”. For some reason, we couldn’t get a hold of anyone else—every other family, friend, priest, whoever!—was out of town. So, the 3 of us went over to see him…as soon as knew I was at the house, he was so embarrassed for me to be there and see him—he jumped from the 2nd story window of his house and ran. We called 911…I was hysterical. The police had just taken him in after the incident last Monday ( http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-any-help.html )
And he apparently had 2 firearm warrants from last week (from being intoxicated and carrying the gun he was planning to kill himself with) so the police were able to search for him—in order to arrest him—last night.
The whole thing was unbelievably traumatic…
I had to call 911 again…I was so scared he was lying on the ground out the window dead…I couldn’t look. When I found out he had taken off running—drunk, injured & possibly with a knife…I was so scared he was lying dead somewhere in the woods. He had nowhere to go.
I spent an hour sitting inside his parent’s house, while the police searched the area. Eventually he somehow snuck around the police and came to the front door banging with a big stick. We didn’t open it, and called 911 again…but the ABF ran again before the police could get back to the house. Eventually the police decided to act as if they were leaving the area, and I spent 2 more hours in the house in dead silence…listening only to the police radio…with 2 police officers hiding in the house with us with tazer guns. He did come back again—and his mom opened the door—he was still drunk, covered in mud, and yelling at his mom…he broke the stick over his knee….and the police took him down and took him back to jail yelling & screaming.
I found a note to me in his bedroom…parts of it said, “the plans I made for me will put an end to us”…“and you will not go down with the sinking ship…” and quoted a song, “…I've seen fire and I've seen rain…I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end, I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend…But I always thought that I'd see you again...”
I am CONSUMED with guilt and I am so so so sad….I keep thinking, WHY did I say that to him??? WHY was I so harsh? WHY wasn’t I there for him tonight when he told me he loved me? WHY wasn’t I there when he told me he needed me??? WHY didn’t I go to the meeting he asked me to go to with him??? WHY did I refuse to see him??? WHY didn’t I go to church with him the other day??? I love him so much, and I am so afraid, and so sad….
thanks for listening
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I am so sorry. This sounds just horrible.
I have said these very words to my A sons father.I have said that he is sick, because he would let me go under with him when he drowns. ANd that he doesnt care that I would just disappear under the surface, and where does that leave our son??
I have said much worse than that. The thing is, he WOULD take you down, and mine would too. They are not clear. They are not thinking; How will she make it through this? There is a lack of contact with reality here.
I ask you to trust your HP, here. This is the only way that it could have gone down. You could not know how your actions would affect him. And there is no way to know how your going to church or to a meeting with him would have ended up... you may have just lost sight, and he would have manipulated you back into his delusion of alcohol, so he could have continued with you on his string.And that would have been a different kind of horrible, only with much less potential for MOVEMENT.
This may be his bottom. This is you, his mon, and his dad..confronting his disease, and he freaked. This is how it happens. When he goes into dryout, he is going to see some things, like the fact that he JUMPED out a window. Mine did that before. A two story window,also.
Try to suspend things in your mind for a few days. Know that, what you said was TRUE, and the fact that it caused him to lose his composure is HIS. This is you responding SANELY to an INSANE life. This is not you doing something inhumane,or wrong, or cold. Please go easy on yourself, and pray to your HP to help him make good choices to deal with what HE HAS CREATED.
Seeking sanity for yourself, and trying to make your life a happier one, with joy, and detaching from someone who CANNOT put your best interest into his line of vision IS NOT WRONG, and I know it is hard, but, know that I think you are strong, and nobody who matters will judge you in the wrong.
Bless you, B66
I have said these very words to my A sons father.I have said that he is sick, because he would let me go under with him when he drowns. ANd that he doesnt care that I would just disappear under the surface, and where does that leave our son??
I have said much worse than that. The thing is, he WOULD take you down, and mine would too. They are not clear. They are not thinking; How will she make it through this? There is a lack of contact with reality here.
I ask you to trust your HP, here. This is the only way that it could have gone down. You could not know how your actions would affect him. And there is no way to know how your going to church or to a meeting with him would have ended up... you may have just lost sight, and he would have manipulated you back into his delusion of alcohol, so he could have continued with you on his string.And that would have been a different kind of horrible, only with much less potential for MOVEMENT.
This may be his bottom. This is you, his mon, and his dad..confronting his disease, and he freaked. This is how it happens. When he goes into dryout, he is going to see some things, like the fact that he JUMPED out a window. Mine did that before. A two story window,also.
Try to suspend things in your mind for a few days. Know that, what you said was TRUE, and the fact that it caused him to lose his composure is HIS. This is you responding SANELY to an INSANE life. This is not you doing something inhumane,or wrong, or cold. Please go easy on yourself, and pray to your HP to help him make good choices to deal with what HE HAS CREATED.
Seeking sanity for yourself, and trying to make your life a happier one, with joy, and detaching from someone who CANNOT put your best interest into his line of vision IS NOT WRONG, and I know it is hard, but, know that I think you are strong, and nobody who matters will judge you in the wrong.
Bless you, B66
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 126
...to add to my guilt....his dad tells me that he attempted suicide last night, RIGHT after he got off the phone with me.....our phone call wasnt unpleasant (no fighting, yelling, etc).....it was just the same thing.....Him telling me he loves me, and will do anything to be with me....and me saying, I love you too, but I cant be around you right now....
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
Layala..I'm sorry
my gf use to call me at worked and tell me she wants to kill herself.
My heart drop and I bascailly went crazy.
I asked everyone here on SR to pray for , and many people did.
being seperate for over six months.
I was bascially trying to move on with my life after 2 solid years of
being there for her, picking up the piece for her, enabling her.
and nothing I did stopped her from drinking and using and she was a
bit mean about it too. I sat home many nights worrying and waiting
for her to come home, on christmas on new years, on birthdays
you name it ..i sat home alone.
Did I love her ? of couse i did..
well..she would call me everyday for a couple of weeks threaten to
kill herself. again and again.
After a week of it....it still bother me ,but not as much.
Then i would find her in the her car passed out, after I came from a date.
or sometimes I fine her in my new apartment passed out becuase she had
broken in. She delivbratly dystroyed all of the relationship with other women
i was dating. She kicked me out of my own home...that's why I had to
get my own apt. i told the judge that she would loose the town house
in 3-4 months...but no one would listen to me..
well she had nowhere to go. so I took her in again.
there was more wreackage even after that..it got worst and worst.
She would cried and tell me to promise her that i would never leave
her becuase she bad at that time. i thought she was really sincere.
i ended up sleeping in my car becuase i became so disfuntional, after a year.
A friend had to take me in so I can try to start a new life.
i did well for a little while..then she would call me again after
some more wreakage and more chaos and of course she say
she wants to dy and kill herself
I figure it was her bottom and we should give it a try..
She would say the samething ..please don't ever leave her
and she was sorry for what she has done. I thought she was
sincere and really means it.
Just a couple of weeks ago ..she left me stranded again.lol
i guess she's well, now..
I was there for her, i did love her...and this is the thanks I get.
Somehow i think we're not on the same page or living by the rules.
I guess we can't see eye to eye.lol
Will damn it...i was dating a normie.
like denny said..is this the life you want for you ??.becuase I freanken old now.
my gf use to call me at worked and tell me she wants to kill herself.
My heart drop and I bascailly went crazy.
I asked everyone here on SR to pray for , and many people did.
being seperate for over six months.
I was bascially trying to move on with my life after 2 solid years of
being there for her, picking up the piece for her, enabling her.
and nothing I did stopped her from drinking and using and she was a
bit mean about it too. I sat home many nights worrying and waiting
for her to come home, on christmas on new years, on birthdays
you name it ..i sat home alone.
Did I love her ? of couse i did..
well..she would call me everyday for a couple of weeks threaten to
kill herself. again and again.
After a week of it....it still bother me ,but not as much.
Then i would find her in the her car passed out, after I came from a date.
or sometimes I fine her in my new apartment passed out becuase she had
broken in. She delivbratly dystroyed all of the relationship with other women
i was dating. She kicked me out of my own home...that's why I had to
get my own apt. i told the judge that she would loose the town house
in 3-4 months...but no one would listen to me..
well she had nowhere to go. so I took her in again.
there was more wreackage even after that..it got worst and worst.
She would cried and tell me to promise her that i would never leave
her becuase she bad at that time. i thought she was really sincere.
i ended up sleeping in my car becuase i became so disfuntional, after a year.
A friend had to take me in so I can try to start a new life.
i did well for a little while..then she would call me again after
some more wreakage and more chaos and of course she say
she wants to dy and kill herself
I figure it was her bottom and we should give it a try..
She would say the samething ..please don't ever leave her
and she was sorry for what she has done. I thought she was
sincere and really means it.
Just a couple of weeks ago ..she left me stranded again.lol
i guess she's well, now..
I was there for her, i did love her...and this is the thanks I get.
Somehow i think we're not on the same page or living by the rules.
I guess we can't see eye to eye.lol
Will damn it...i was dating a normie.
like denny said..is this the life you want for you ??.becuase I freanken old now.
Last edited by SaTiT; 10-02-2007 at 08:21 AM.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 126
Thank you everyone....
************************************************** ************************
On one hand, I think, yes, I know he is not thinking of me, and yes, I know he does not care about the pain I am going through, and that is so selfish...and it hurts &
angers me more than sadness me....
On the other hand I think, I dont even care! I love him, and he may not care about me at this moment, but I know (or think I know) that he did care about me and will care about me again......and if I can just get him through this....it will all be okay. But as someone posted here, "It is not wise to base a relationship on loving someone's potential"
It just kills me to know that something I SAID---the words I spoke to him---
hurt him so deeply.....and those words sat with him.....and he thought about them.....and they made him feel more worthless than he already feels......and these words (at least contributed to) him wanting to kill himself......
Then I think, maybe he was thinking about me and my feelings.....maybe he thought he didn't want to "take me down with the ship" so I'll just do her a favor.....
ugh...........
sorry my posts are so depressing....thanks for listening again
************************************************** ************************
On one hand, I think, yes, I know he is not thinking of me, and yes, I know he does not care about the pain I am going through, and that is so selfish...and it hurts &
angers me more than sadness me....
On the other hand I think, I dont even care! I love him, and he may not care about me at this moment, but I know (or think I know) that he did care about me and will care about me again......and if I can just get him through this....it will all be okay. But as someone posted here, "It is not wise to base a relationship on loving someone's potential"
It just kills me to know that something I SAID---the words I spoke to him---
hurt him so deeply.....and those words sat with him.....and he thought about them.....and they made him feel more worthless than he already feels......and these words (at least contributed to) him wanting to kill himself......
Then I think, maybe he was thinking about me and my feelings.....maybe he thought he didn't want to "take me down with the ship" so I'll just do her a favor.....
ugh...........
sorry my posts are so depressing....thanks for listening again
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Layla2222 
Thank you everyone....
************************************************** ************************
It just kills me to know that something I SAID---the words I spoke to him---
hurt him so deeply.....and those words sat with him.....and he thought about them.....and they made him feel more worthless than he already feels......and these words (at least contributed to) him wanting to kill himself......
************************************************** ************************
It just kills me to know that something I SAID---the words I spoke to him---
hurt him so deeply.....and those words sat with him.....and he thought about them.....and they made him feel more worthless than he already feels......and these words (at least contributed to) him wanting to kill himself......
((()))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Layla2222
yes, this is true....he would have done it anyways.....
it's just eating me inside.....why did he have to use my words??? why did i even find that stupid note....I wish I wouldnt have looked....
it's just eating me inside.....why did he have to use my words??? why did i even find that stupid note....I wish I wouldnt have looked....
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
why should you feel guilty because he of his addictions, his pain, his feelings and his dispair -
You did not cause it,
you cannot control it,
you cannot cure it
if you could - he wouldn't be here in the first place.
yes, you have your own painful emotions concerning this -pain, sorrow, grief, but guilt - he's an adult making his own choices - please don't feel guilty for taking care of YOU.
((layla)) - please take good care of YOU.
You did not cause it,
you cannot control it,
you cannot cure it
if you could - he wouldn't be here in the first place.
yes, you have your own painful emotions concerning this -pain, sorrow, grief, but guilt - he's an adult making his own choices - please don't feel guilty for taking care of YOU.
((layla)) - please take good care of YOU.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by Layla2222
......and if I can just get him through this....it will all be okay.
Layla,
You cannot save him. You're not God. You're not "going to get him through this" -- he needs professional help, I'm sorry. He is a deeply troubled person and this is beyond your ability to "fix".
I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you have to consider whether this is the kind of psychosis you are going to be delighted to surround yourself with forever.
What kind of life do you want? This kind?
Put this into the hands of professionals, and you may just save his life, and yours.
Pray that he gets locked up somewhere where they can keep him from hurting himself and get him some professional care and medication. People guilt-trip others with suicide every day in America. Doesn't it seem cruel and dumb to you? What did you DO, besides try to save your own life?
I'm so sorry. I hope he finds help.
Hugs,
GL
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by Layla2222
Then I think, maybe he was thinking about me and my feelings.....maybe he thought he didn't want to "take me down with the ship" so I'll just do her a favor.....
ugh...........
ugh...........
And by the way, I wouldn't delude myself with this if I were you.
He's not thinking about you. He's thinking about himself, and how unfair and miserable everything is, and how you've done him so wrong. His note proves it. It's just an attempt to make you feel guilty, and I think it's sickening. There's no love there, just sickness and dependency.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 126
I know these thoughts I have are "crazy" and delusional.....and the logical side of me knows--this is not my fault, I could not & cannot ever save or "fix" him....
I guess these are just the thoughts that float through my mind at times....especially now after all this....
That d*mn letter is the majority of the problem right now...I just have to get it out of my head....along with that d*mn song he quoted in it...."Ive seen fire & Ive seen rain....blah blah...."
Thank you for the support, and keeping the sane--logical--side of my thoughts alive...
Well this may sound crazy too, but I cant help myself from doing this right now....I am leaving to his arraignment in front of the judge. Me, and about 15 of his family/friends are going to be there....trying to petition the judge to put him into a mental health/inpatient program & also to set his bond as high as possible....Otherwise, there's a chance he could be let out today (The jails are overcrowded). I'm thinking I shouldn't get more involved, but if this works....hopefully it will be the last involvement I will have to have b/c he will be locked up somewhere where he cant get out, and cant hurt himself....off I go...thanks again
I guess these are just the thoughts that float through my mind at times....especially now after all this....
That d*mn letter is the majority of the problem right now...I just have to get it out of my head....along with that d*mn song he quoted in it...."Ive seen fire & Ive seen rain....blah blah...."
Thank you for the support, and keeping the sane--logical--side of my thoughts alive...
Well this may sound crazy too, but I cant help myself from doing this right now....I am leaving to his arraignment in front of the judge. Me, and about 15 of his family/friends are going to be there....trying to petition the judge to put him into a mental health/inpatient program & also to set his bond as high as possible....Otherwise, there's a chance he could be let out today (The jails are overcrowded). I'm thinking I shouldn't get more involved, but if this works....hopefully it will be the last involvement I will have to have b/c he will be locked up somewhere where he cant get out, and cant hurt himself....off I go...thanks again
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Layla, Sorry to hear what you are going thru. I, too, am going thru something similar with my AH. He was on the verge of losing his job yesterday, I am going to divorce him (and he knows that) so he calls me at work yesterday telling me they told him to go home and sleep it off type thing, says he lost his job and he lost me, he has nothing left, just remember that he loves me, etc. People at work (none of which deal w/A's, my sister, etc.) tell me to leave work, rush home, see if he's OK, etc. I stayed at work for an additional 4 hours, at which time everyone still is asking if I heard from him, I say no, everyone's like he's had 4 hours to kill himself, started making me think "yeah maybe..." so then I left. Where was he??? At home, sleeping. When he woke, he said he's tired, tired of worrying about everyone and everything, tired of meetings, tired of it all and wants it to end. Is that not the height of selfishness???? He's "tired of worrying, etc." What does he do or worry about other than to cause the needless worries and consequences that I must deal with, cause of course, today he didn't get fired. Everyone was so nice to him - can't ruffle the feathers of AH, he may go on another bender. It's called alcoholic manipulation and that's all it is. If they had suicide attempts and failed, it's cause they wanted it to look good. I may be wrong, but I'm real tired of the poor me pity thing they go on. If he chooses to kill himself, believe me, you didn't cause it, alcohol did. And they had a choice to continue to drink alcohol. So please don't beat yourself up for it. If you continue to be there for him, the more games will be played. I don't care, tonite I'm telling AH (who will be drunk, BTW cause he can't drink at work anymore since he was called on it and has to make up for those beers on his way home) that I'm gone. And if he chooses to kill himself, so be it. But I highly doubt it. Hugs to you, and don't let it get to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Layla2222
Well this may sound crazy too, but I cant help myself from doing this right now....
p.s. James Taylor also wrote these lyrics:
Whenever I see your smiling face
I have to smile myself
Because I love you, yes, I do
That's the guy I'm looking for ((()))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 126
Well I just got back from the arraignment......it was a show. We ALL were there--everyone he was embarrassed to see & didn't want to see--it was almost like an intervention in the court room. A family friend, who is an attorney, spoke on behalf of the family/friends, and got the judge to set the bond ridiculously high so he cant get out of jail for now---and agreed to release him ONLY from jail directly to a long-term inpatient mental health facility, where he cannot leave by order of the court (not by order of the doctor who let him out in a week this time). If he tries to leave the facility, he will go to jail. He agreed to all this, which made it easier. He will be there for at least 3-4 months....up to a year, and then is still under order of the courts (probation, etc....)
He was covered in mud, handcuffed and wouldn't look at any of us.... It was hard for all of us to sit there in front of him and plead with the judge to keep him in jail, and to give him the maximum bond.... but it NEEDED to be done, obviously....everyone was in agreement.
So now no more worrying....I can exhale....he is safe, and forced into treatment, and I am safe and forced to "cut ties".... I have no more involvement....it's done, he's gone, it's over. great.
And here I am again....sitting alone in "our" apartment......I know this is what was suppose to happen....this was the best scenerio.....this is probably HP's plan.....it will all work out exactly as it's suppose to......"its for the best" ....
I know, I know, I know....doesn't make it feel any better though....now comes more sadness, because as much as I want to see him/talk to him/be with him....I can't...I don't have a choice. Goodbye to my best friend........I don't even know how to adjust to this & all I can do is cry
Well, thank you again everyone, and thanks for listening
He was covered in mud, handcuffed and wouldn't look at any of us.... It was hard for all of us to sit there in front of him and plead with the judge to keep him in jail, and to give him the maximum bond.... but it NEEDED to be done, obviously....everyone was in agreement.
So now no more worrying....I can exhale....he is safe, and forced into treatment, and I am safe and forced to "cut ties".... I have no more involvement....it's done, he's gone, it's over. great.
And here I am again....sitting alone in "our" apartment......I know this is what was suppose to happen....this was the best scenerio.....this is probably HP's plan.....it will all work out exactly as it's suppose to......"its for the best" ....
I know, I know, I know....doesn't make it feel any better though....now comes more sadness, because as much as I want to see him/talk to him/be with him....I can't...I don't have a choice. Goodbye to my best friend........I don't even know how to adjust to this & all I can do is cry
Well, thank you again everyone, and thanks for listening
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
(((())))s Layla... sooo sorry you are going through this and feeling so much pain .
It will get easier .. I promise you that .. I always felt better when AH was inpatient . At least I didnt have to worry about him getting into trouble while he was there . Doesnt really help when it comes down to missing them though does it ??
You will get through . keep posting here . and if you havent yet , try some alanon meetings .. Lots of luck to you ! M
It will get easier .. I promise you that .. I always felt better when AH was inpatient . At least I didnt have to worry about him getting into trouble while he was there . Doesnt really help when it comes down to missing them though does it ??
You will get through . keep posting here . and if you havent yet , try some alanon meetings .. Lots of luck to you ! M
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Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
((((((((((((((((((((((((Layla))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))
It a tough road but the hardest things in life are usually the right choices. You will feel this sadness for a long time but remember that things will get better hun. Day by day, minute by minute. When my xah left us I didnt think I could handle all the memories here at the house - we lived together here and raised our family here for 17 years...and at one point I thought I would have to sell the home and move because all I could do was cry cry and cry somemore. Well - someone here told me to change as much as I could with each and every single room and see if it helps....I did that. And oh my goodness what a help it was. At first I refused to do it cuz I didnt want him "gone" completely. After a year or so I began the removal of his memories. It helped me sooooooo much and I decided that I will stay in the home for the kids and for myself. Every single room was redone in big and small ways and I boxed all of the clothes up of his that were still here and threw them away. Anything that was his was gone......very gone. Permanently gone. After a while you will find the strength to do this hun but it takes awhile for something this hard to do. I know you pain as we all do here at this site and our hearts are with you sweetie. Take care of YOU and try not to feel bad and for goodness sake don't beat yourself up over it okay...YOU didnt cause it.....YOU couldnt control it........YOU can't cure it. Only he can and now is destiny is in HIS hands and his alone.
Janitw
It a tough road but the hardest things in life are usually the right choices. You will feel this sadness for a long time but remember that things will get better hun. Day by day, minute by minute. When my xah left us I didnt think I could handle all the memories here at the house - we lived together here and raised our family here for 17 years...and at one point I thought I would have to sell the home and move because all I could do was cry cry and cry somemore. Well - someone here told me to change as much as I could with each and every single room and see if it helps....I did that. And oh my goodness what a help it was. At first I refused to do it cuz I didnt want him "gone" completely. After a year or so I began the removal of his memories. It helped me sooooooo much and I decided that I will stay in the home for the kids and for myself. Every single room was redone in big and small ways and I boxed all of the clothes up of his that were still here and threw them away. Anything that was his was gone......very gone. Permanently gone. After a while you will find the strength to do this hun but it takes awhile for something this hard to do. I know you pain as we all do here at this site and our hearts are with you sweetie. Take care of YOU and try not to feel bad and for goodness sake don't beat yourself up over it okay...YOU didnt cause it.....YOU couldnt control it........YOU can't cure it. Only he can and now is destiny is in HIS hands and his alone.
Janitw
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
Oh Layla ... I am so sorry you had to go through all that! What a horror story! But then I read where he's going into treatment long-term. I don't know the outcome - nobody can see into a crystal ball - but that is GREAT NEWS! And look what you said ...
So now no more worrying....I can exhale....he is safe, and forced into treatment, and I am safe and forced to "cut ties".... I have no more involvement....it's done, he's gone, it's over. great.
He's SAFE for now and will have his best shot at a new life! Cry hard, and try to think of the possibilities of the future. And YOUR future!
I hope you know there are a lot of us out here who hope and pray every day that their ABFs were in treatment.
Good luck to you!
So now no more worrying....I can exhale....he is safe, and forced into treatment, and I am safe and forced to "cut ties".... I have no more involvement....it's done, he's gone, it's over. great.
He's SAFE for now and will have his best shot at a new life! Cry hard, and try to think of the possibilities of the future. And YOUR future!
I hope you know there are a lot of us out here who hope and pray every day that their ABFs were in treatment.
Good luck to you!
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