twinspeak

With my 9 year old twins on Sunday. After a bad weekend and such shame at a school event for my kids.
I live in a small town and there are not alot of meetings for Al Anon but there are some.

I left after saying I was going to for 8 years off and on.

He called yesterday and told me he will go to rehab. I do not know what kind as he is looking into this.

What do I do next? I do not want to rush home but I do not want to stay here at my friends forever.

Do I ask questions about where is is calling? Or do I just offer my love and support?

He has to know I am serious this time.
My girls are ok.
Thank God.
Such pain as you all know.
Can anyone give me advice and maybe send me a link about what to do when they say they will go to rehab?

I am confused but want to do the right thing.
I am going to read the posts here for now but would appreciate some help.

Thank You.

twinspeak

Did want to mention that I have and do go to Al Anon. I own every book too.
I could have a garage sale for self help books.


But this time is different.

He knows I mean business.

respektingme

Just lots of hugs. I was exactly where you are now about 3 months ago. DH did go to intensive rehab. We paid for it out of pocket ($3k) so we didn't run it through his insurance. I was convinced he was serious. Loved having his sober self back. He's still going to AA every day and talking to his sponsor every morning, and he's drinking again! UGH!

I thought for sure my AH was going to beat it. I've met others who have been sober for 10 or 20 years. Thought my AH would be one of those. Nope. Guess not. So, I say to be cautiously optimistic, but not overly so, ya know? But Al-Anon will give you strength and comfort. I hope you are going, or will go if you're not currently going. There are some Ala-non books that you can read that will help too. The key is for YOU to find peace during all his craziness. Once YOU find peace and serenity, you will be grounded enough to make good decisions. Otherwise, your on a rollarcoaster and your AH is driving it.

twinspeak

Thank You.

I still plan on talking to a lawyer.

I don't want my children far away from their home for too long.

I would prefer if he leaves for treatment.

Again though that is his decision.

I was recently diagnosed with COPD and Pulmonary Fibrosis. The latter a serious progressive disease. It is in it's early stages and my Dr's feel confident we can keep it at bay.

I have quit smoking although the last 4 days have been hard. But I quit. Had too if I want to live.

Wish the alcoholic knew this. Hard.

Thanks and I will read on now.....

denny57

Hi there twinspeak - congratulations on quitting smoking.

Our Al-Anon literature states that we lend support to the alcoholic. It's up to each of us what that support entails.

I would journal out the pros and cons of my options.

Good luck!

Barbara52

Figuring out what your options are and planning to act on one or more of them is the next step as I see it. Think of it in terms of what is best for you and your kids though. Your AH is responsible for his choices and actions.

kj21

I agree with respektingme. Be cautiously optomistic. My ABF went to rehab $4500. fell right back to where he was within a week or two. same triggers I guess being at home. I was so sure that we would live happily ever after!! NOT. 1 year later and my life is still a mess. But every a is different and no one knows when it will be thier time to recover. I wish you and your family luck and send prayers to you!!

TexasGirl

Yes, good advice with cautiously optimistic. Mine pulled out all the stops when I moved out...I just managed to out-wait him. He was drunk the very day he left rehab. I can only speak for me, but I can tell you that I am much happier now that we are divorced and I don't have to, as someone put it, ride on the roller coaster he is driving any longer. Some days my life feels like a roller coaster, but at least I have the ability to control it.

Wascally Wabbit

This speaks volumes about where you are now. The girls are ok, and you're out of the chaos. Now it's up to him to fix himself.

No matter how much we do, how much money we spend, how many times we take them back, if they're is not actively seeking help for themselves, nothing changes. The lies, the manipulation stays the same.

You left because you felt you needed to. Why second guess yourself?
Sure, it is hard. There's a lot of emotions going on inside your heart and questions that aren't answered yet. It's tumultious to leave your home and resettle. But, the benefit is you get to see things from a different perspective instead of being right in the center of insanity. It gives you time to think and to recover. And, it gives him time to think of the seriousness of his drinking, and how it's affecting everyone around him in a negative way.

It doesn't have to be forever either. We live one day at a time.
He might just take charge of his recovery and become a changed man. The important thing for us is that we take care of our own self, and do what we need to do to maintain our sanity and safety.

In the mean time, search out things you can do for yourself and your girls that can help you find a place to live, places to go and things to do. I don't know your situation, but since you're a woman with children, social services will help you if you need it. That's what they're there for. Take advantage of every program you can.

Create a plan for your life for the next month. Put on paper everything you need to do and plan it out and do it. I find that when I have a plan, I dont' get so panicked all the time. I have a goal, and something to work toward.

I do hope things work out for you what ever you decide to do.

twinspeak

My heart is so heavy.
I spoke with a lawyer. He suggested I protect myself with a "separate maintenance agreement."
Like a divorce but not really a divorce. I say I can no longer live under these conditions with AH in the house etc....he gets ordered to leave and has to pay child suppoort and mortgage...(my disease has made me recently go part time)

I did not hear from him yesterday. I left a note and told him I loved him and I was not trying to embarrass him in any way. Told him the girls and I are getting counseling.

Went home today and still beer in the fridge. The pasta I cooked was still in fridge. So he did not eat and drank instead.

I am so sick to my stomach I can't eat. I want to vomit all the time.
I HAVE to stick to my guns.
I have no access to his money. Everything is in his name and he is the bread winner.

I guess I assumed he'd check in asap when he said he was calling places.
A therapist once a week will not be good enough I am afraid. Not that he will do that but you know what I mean.
He has to protect who is and what he does for a living. With my being sick he cannot afford to lose his job.

I feel such guilt. Shame.
My kids acted out badly yesterday.
I don't want to live here at my friends forever.
My lawyer suggested I tell him I am thinking about the "separate maintenance agreement". See if this makes him budge. Lawer said it would take 6 months to go into effect.
Amazing.
Yet if he hit me he'd be thrown in the slammer in a heartbeat.
Someone anyone please respond. I am so distraught.

hello-kitty

Congratulations! It's never easy or comfortable to do the wise thing, especially after years of making idle threats. I know how hard it is to follow through. The unknown is never comfortable at first, but I think soon, you will start feeling empowered and stronger than you ever thought you were. As long as you keep making wise choices to protect yourself and take care of your girls. Keep moving forward, no matter how small the steps...

And also congratulations on talking to a lawyer. That is a very wise thing to do do as well. Do what you need to do. Don't worry about him. He is a big boy and he can take care of himself. Even if he acts like he doesn't know how to take care of himself. He will be able to get what he needs and if he values alcohol more than food right now... well that is what he needs and he'll get it.

Take care of you and your girls first.

My only advice, from my personal experience, is don't worry about tomorrow. Of couse it is worrisome, but you need to worry about what you are goingto do today first. Take care of your immediate needs and tomorrow will start to take care of itself. Solutions will present themselves. Just don't rush it and be good to yourself.

You will be fine. So will your girls.

denny57

(((twinspeak)))

When I was in the desperate place you are today, I made a decision to do what was suggested to me by professionals who had seen this millions of times. My common reaction to their suggestions was no way, but I did it anyway, trusting it would work out for me.

At the same time, I attend as many Al-Anon meetings as possible. This aided the emotional and spiritual turmoil I was in.

Keep reaching out as you protect yourself and your children. There are many people who have been through it, and that will be so important in the coming days.

Take care.

keepingmyjoy

Twinspeak....you really are doing great, even though it doesn't feel that way! I know what you mean about wanting to vomit! But you hold on and stick to your choices. You made them for good reasons, don't let yourself second guess your decisions. When you are overwhelmed, take a moment, breathe, and hold on. Remind yourself of all the reasons why you have chosen this path. Allow yourself to feel good that you are taking care of you and your kids.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers!

cautious

It is a roller coaster to leave, but not as wild a ride as staying is. Some days will be bad, but it does get easier with time.

WantsOut

Just for some perspective, I'd like to share some of my story with you.

My ex admitted he was an alcoholic and went to therapy twice a week with the same expensive psychotherapist for ten years. I realize now that it was all a smokescreen to look like he was "dealing with the issues that made him drink alcoholicly" while actually drinking all he wanted.

You know this already, I can tell cause you wrote that once a week therapy isn't going to take care of this. You are righter than you realize.

My ex has three DWIs, a court-ordered breathilizer in his car, and has been told by the doctor that his drinking is inflaming his liver. And he still blames me for "kicking him out". Sheesh.

I think that leaving him notes is counterproductive. He may think that all he really needs to do is wait you out.

Love

twinspeak

He has an appt today with a person at a clinic to access the situation.
He also has signed up with a with an organization that helps peopl ein his field with substance abuse.

He came where I am at and visited with the twins for about an hour and a half yesterday while i was at work. My friend said he was sober and kept the visit light and fun.

This is a start and his first attempt so I have to have hope.

I will get to a meeting this weekend as well.

Thanks.