cece1960

I'm not sure why the seasons tend to bring about distress, but it seems to never fail...fall brings about difficult times for me.

My son, for the second time in about a month, took $10 from my purse. The first time I left it with a stern warning and the "promise" that I wouldn't accept it again. This morning he was sleeping in the couch when I woke (had come in after I went to bed). I don't know how I knew to do it, but I checked my puse and the money was gone.
Add to that the fact that he borrowed my car last friday and returned it a day later with no gas (absolutely none...I don't know how he got it home) and had left the key on "on" so the battery was dead, and it was blocking my driveway.
Once again, I've reached the point of enough.
I've had enough of the taking what is mine when he runs out of his.
I've had enough of hearing bits and pieces of his latest "bar saga" that he seems to feel is "cool"
I've had enough of waiting for the other shoe to drop, of his irresponsible behavior
and his total disregard for me, my things and my needs.
No, he longer is doping...but he likes his drink. No, he isn't running around drunk all of the time but he's in the "game".
I don't care if everyone's doing it (everyone being the barflies out in the sticks where his dad lives)
I don't care if he sees it as normal due to the company he's keeping (those that have made a lifestyle of living week to week with just enough $$ to get by after the bar tab gets paid) Or, that they wear it like a badge.

I don't care if his Dad lives this way, and always has.

Thats not the life I chose.
I love my son dearly, but I don't like him one bit right now.
And that hurts (more than a little)

But heck, if our relationship as I've come to know it (or wish it?) doesn't mean a rats a$$ to him, I've got to let go, right?

This morning I told him he was no longer welcome to crash at my place, to take what he needs (that is HIS) and go back to the love shack (his Dads)
Damn...I hate this feeling
Cece

CatsPajamas

(((( cece ))))

Doggone it, I know how that feels. And it stinks. Your son will find another place to crash... perhaps he will decide that now is the time to take charge of his life.

I can see your recovery shining thru BIG time. You are able to set and maintain boundaries that work for you. I also know that it's bittersweet... when I had to do what you did, I felt sad. Ultimately I realized that I was grieving - grieving the relationship I wanted with my son and didnt' have, grieving the loss of the dreams I had for him and his bright future... just grieving.

I totally get it, and I'm really sorry you're going thru it. Big hugs from IOWA coming your way.

~Cats

Elana

I Can't imagine being the parent of an addict.

Others will have wiser words but I believe, no matter how it feels today, that you are doing the right thing for you and tomorrow will be better as you no longer have the chaos.

ctrom40

Cece,

Big Chicago hugs for you this morning too!
Stay strong and focus on you.

Take care,
Colleen

Momsrainbow

Hugs from Arkansas also. ctrom-wish I was back in Chicago!!!!!!

Possibly you will have some peace if he crashes with dad. My AH is crashing anywhere he can-he is not welcome home and has finally figured out I will not jump through hoops for him any longer.

We are changing-they need to wake up and "see the light".

Take care!!!!!! Be safe!!!!!!

Jaded Diva

Thank you for sharing that and my heart goes out to you.

You know, you just reminded me of how my life used to be when I lived with my husband - who was in active addiction at the time. He's now 6 months clean. I had forgotten about the stolen money....or how I'd sleep with my money in my bra, and I would leave $2 or $3 in my wallet as a "test" to see if he'd take it. He always did. Or take things that were mine - such as my car in the middle of the night since he had no money for gas, because he was using it to buy coke. I'd go to bed with a full tank and go to work with half a tank or less. Or sometimes he'd siphon MY gas to put in HIS car!! My neighbors would always see him doing it....ugh.

cece

To my name sake. How did I know that when I was picking this name I was picking the name of someone with such a similar story! My son also no longer does drugs or alcohol,but smokes pot instead. (his words not mine, he doesn't think its a drug) I just blew everyone of my resolutions to myself when last night I spent 45 minutes on the phone with him trying to get him to see that pot is screwing up his life. He is addicted to it and is powerless over it. I hate when I get sucked in to talking sense to the senseless.then I proceeded to lose hours of necessary sleep over it! when I read your post I was proud of what you did. Good for you. but I know how sad and sick you feel. Knowing its right doesn't mean its easy. Take today, as I plan and look for some serenity for yourself.
cece2

LearningHusband

"But heck, if our relationship as I've come to know it (or wish it?) doesn't mean a rats a$$ to him, I've got to let go, right?"

Like so many of us, you've personalized his actions which are not driven by his feelings for you, but by his addiction. Your "relationship" right now is that of addict and enabler, and you're right, he probably doesn't care a rats ass about that. All he cares about is what he can get from you (and anyone else) to keep his addictions going (including alchohol, which, of course, is just another drug). You are not a mother to him, you are a source of "things" that can help him perpetuate his addiction.

If he falls and falls deep, he may get into recovery and rediscover your mother/son relationship, but for now, in the haze of addiction, that relationship is non-existent.

That's why setting strong boundaries (and sticking by them) is so critical for your well being.

I wish you well.

LH

BrokenBridges24

I think you are taking care of you. As someone else said your recovery is shining through!!! Good for you!!!

You have to set boundaries and that is what you did. There are clear defined sides to all boundaries. One side is the line of you the parent and everything that pertains to you. The other is that of your son and everything that pertains to him. Neither side has to know of like what is happening on the other side. The idea of the boundary is to separate people, opinions, likes, dislikes and behaviors. I truly believe as long as his is unhealthy and maintaining a unhealthy side you can not mix your side with his. It never works. You just keep your boundary. Just like you did. That is part of your recovery.

(((HUGS))))

Broken

parentrecovers

my daughter shows no regard for my or my husband's feelings. i get so angry somedays i just feel like pulling my hair out.

so there. i understand how you feel, cece. i don't need this in my life either.

mom hugs, k

pjbs55

I know the pain you are feeling and your are right it hurst real deep. Feel the pain but let it go sooner rather than later. The pain of making our child leave does lessen, but you have to take care of YOU!!!! You are more important than your son, to yourself. Sorry if that sounds harsh. Your son will only get help when he wants it, but you are in recovery and it is shining.
Sending you hugs and prayers, that your HP will help you through this.
Hugs from one mom to another.

rahsue

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. You sound very strong and I hope I can do the same if (when) my son breaks the boundaries I set.

good luck

Lobo

Cece,
It never feels good when we have to tell our children that they are no longer welcome to stay in our home. We end up feeling like crap. I know from experience that they will continue to take and walk all over us as long as we let them. One day my daughter asked me to use my car, (her's in the pound). I told her to never ask again because the answer will always be no. No explainations just no. I have learned the hard way before.

It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on things. Take care of yourself. No one has the right to take advantage of the things that we work hard for, not even our kids.


Pray for the strength to resist giving in.

Mom hugs coming your way.............Lo

cece1960

Thanks LH … but here’s where I have to step back a bit and think through what exactly is going on.
I can’t continue to blame everything my son does that I don’t agree with on addiction. That, perhaps is what’s eating at me. Is it possible he has just developed traits and characteristics that I do not want to tolerate in my life?

I don’t for a minute condone any substance abuse, but the truth is its HIM that is making the decisions. It would be much easier if I could blame it on the addiction, but in my heart I can’t. Yes, he’s king crap at the bar he hangs at, but his selfishness branches far further than what has to do with alcohol. I don’t care if he’s spending his money on green tea…his behavior is unacceptable.

The young man seems to think what’s mine is his and always will be. This is something that has been accepted and practiced at his Dads for a number of years.

I think what scares me much more than “what addicts do” is the statement of my relationship being based on what I can give him, or do for him.

That breaks this mom heart

(((Hugs)))
Cece

caileesnana

Sorry for you pain, again. It is hard, but I will pray this will start him on a way to wake up. Now, if he could just stay away from the paternal figure!
prayers to you, I know it's hard. Heartbreaking

susan

LearningHusband

I had trouble with this too with my ex wife. Her family would say, "well she's always been stubborn", yet this was not a trait of hers for the first several years we were married. As the drugs got a hold of her she became very stubborn and very selfish just as all addicts do. Selfishness, in my estimation, is one of the overarching traits that emerge when someone becomes an addict.

You say he's just emulating his dad - maybe, but it sounds like dad has his own issues with booze. It's only natural that an addict son would gravitate toward another addict, especially when it's his dad since, in the twisted addict mind, somehow that makes what he's doing acceptable (afterall, daddy does it).

I also don't like to blame everything my ex wife does on addiction, because she is an adult and should take responsibility. Sadly, she can't and doesn't, even though she knows there are tools, programs, etc. out there to help her. That angers me too, but what good does that do me (except to raise my blood pressure).

She will just continue to make bad decisions (and you're right - they are HER bad decsions just like the decisions your son makes), but there's just no denying that addiction plays an all-encompassing role in those decsions, and accepting that is not absolving your kid of responisibility. It simply denotes it as a fact that hopefully you can acknowledge as such and then move forward.

LH

splendra

Well I am glad that you are not going to put up with it ((((((cece)))))))

cece1960

And that, I beleive is what at the heart of this for me. I have for sometime hoped that he, and my other kids would somehow gravitate more towards what "I" feel is an honest way of life, rather than the "redneck" way.

For a brief time, I held that wish (or, ugh, expectation) for my oldest even though his past said that he was very high risk to be drawn back toward the substance abuse arena.

There's not much I can do or say to counteract the culture that he's grown to accept and like for that matter. He loves his Dad, and his dad and crew work hard, play hard.

What pains me is although I don't dislike my ex, in fact I care or him a great deal, I have little respect for him. I have spent the last 18+ years detached so that I have no ill feelings. I could NEVER go back to him being a integral part of my life.

I never wanted to have to detach in that manner from any one of my kids.

I guess I have no choice but to accept my kid for the person he is, love him regardless, but give up on the notion that we will have the relationship that I "thought" we should.

(((Hugs)))
Cece

cmc

(((cece))))
btdt I had no choice but to direct the consequences of behavior of my son- to him. The last time he lived here, he was kicked out for stealing $20.
Like Cats said, I remember the feelings of sadness and grief over the loss of trust.
Sorry you are hurting right now.

Spiritual Seeker

Just a shout-out to you as you have to make the hard, yet right, choices and experience the disappointment (again + again) of how your son is living his life.
Thanks for sharing your strength and allowing us to glimpse at how you work your own recovery. ((((Cece1960))))