Should AA newcomers date?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 3
Should AA newcomers date?
At a wonderful celebration for my friend's 22nd anniversary, a crew ranging from 30 days to 30 years were debating whether AA newcomers should enter into romantic entanglements... what do you guys think? Give as best an explanation as possible, I'm trying to learn something!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,444
When I was newly sober, I was learning about myself and that's what I had to focus on. I had a lot of work to do to figure out how to live my life. Recovery has to be a priority.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
NO
Why? Because we are starting out on a learning adventure and untill we figure out who we are and what we truly want out of life... we are better off not seeking and adding more complications into our life then needed.
No major "changes" for the first year is the suggestion.
Why? Because it takes us about a year to get our butts off the floor and starting to walk correctly.
Seeking answers to our issues should be our number one goal...running around on dates takes away from doing what ever it takes to fulfill our number one goal.
Why? Because we are starting out on a learning adventure and untill we figure out who we are and what we truly want out of life... we are better off not seeking and adding more complications into our life then needed.
No major "changes" for the first year is the suggestion.
Why? Because it takes us about a year to get our butts off the floor and starting to walk correctly.
Seeking answers to our issues should be our number one goal...running around on dates takes away from doing what ever it takes to fulfill our number one goal.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Not until they finish their formal Step work.
Also read page 119 119 in the 12 & 12.
However...
In my 1st home group....full of singles...
we did do what I think of as
"AA Dating"
No sex .. No pairing off
but loads of fun as a sober group.
Brunches...Visiting other meetings...Movies
Hikes...AA Dances.....Sporting Events
usually with 5 or more involved.
We had a blast!
Welcome to SR!
Also read page 119 119 in the 12 & 12.
However...
In my 1st home group....full of singles...we did do what I think of as
"AA Dating"
No sex .. No pairing off
but loads of fun as a sober group.
Brunches...Visiting other meetings...Movies
Hikes...AA Dances.....Sporting Events
usually with 5 or more involved.
We had a blast!
Welcome to SR!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 3
Thanks everyone for chiming in... I'm of the traditional perspective that a newcomer needs to focus on recovery before all else. The feedback is reassuring... My sponsees will certainly hate all of you! 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
why not ???
I rather go on date than continplating hanging myself.
a date is just a date or being around some one.
it's not a major decision. Living and enjoying life without the use of drugs or alcohol.
why don't people ever debept about new comer going to work ?
People go to work and get drunk or relapse all the time.
in other words if you're going to drink or have any reservations in you...you'll get drunk again
regardless.
if you're determind to stay sober.."don't pick up no matter"
if your heart gets broken or if you get laid off from job....call your sponsor.
if you get laid or if you get paid....call your sponsor.
don't be a lazy sponsor..lol
Read the Book...AA has no opinion on such matter of sex or how much sex
I rather go on date than continplating hanging myself.
a date is just a date or being around some one.
it's not a major decision. Living and enjoying life without the use of drugs or alcohol.
why don't people ever debept about new comer going to work ?
People go to work and get drunk or relapse all the time.
in other words if you're going to drink or have any reservations in you...you'll get drunk again
regardless.
if you're determind to stay sober.."don't pick up no matter"
if your heart gets broken or if you get laid off from job....call your sponsor.
if you get laid or if you get paid....call your sponsor.
don't be a lazy sponsor..lol
Read the Book...AA has no opinion on such matter of sex or how much sex
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
if you are married..would you file for a divorce just becuase you
started attending AA ???...I think not.
if you are dating,,would you stop dating just becuase you started
attending AA ??...I think not.
started attending AA ???...I think not.
if you are dating,,would you stop dating just becuase you started
attending AA ??...I think not.
"Grateful to be Sober."
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 90
I'm a newcomer and although it would be nice to date someone, i feel it probably wouldn't be best for me personally. Maybe if they'd been sober a while- but i think it would be too much too soon dating another new comer. Keep it simple. Also a lot of the women have "warned" me about some guys and women in A.A. who are just in their after a while to prey on the vunerable, so i'm definately taking their advice on board. I don't for one minute believe there are many of these women and men that want to take advantage, but im sure there are a few.
However i'm with nogard on the whole- live and let live. People should be able to do wha they feel is right at the time for them. I mean every1's circumstances are different. I have a lot going on outside of A.A at the min so adding to it woul just be plain stupid, some though, might need something else other than A.A. to fill their days and so on- and if they have the time...
However i'm with nogard on the whole- live and let live. People should be able to do wha they feel is right at the time for them. I mean every1's circumstances are different. I have a lot going on outside of A.A at the min so adding to it woul just be plain stupid, some though, might need something else other than A.A. to fill their days and so on- and if they have the time...
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Look at it this way, it is a suggestion as is everything in AA, there are no rules!
If you are not in a relationship when you first get sober and you do get into one what is going to be your primary purpose? Your sobriety or the relationship?
Oh sure it is easy to say "I will keep my sobriety #1 no matter what!" and to continue to say that right up the point where they dump your butt or you catch them cheating on you!!!
What I am always amazed about is how many times both parties in the newbie relationship wind up drunk together rather then because one dumps the other!
Think about it, for those of you with as little time as a year, compare you as a person at 6 months sober and you at a year sober........ same person? Nope!
If you are not in a relationship when you first get sober and you do get into one what is going to be your primary purpose? Your sobriety or the relationship?
Oh sure it is easy to say "I will keep my sobriety #1 no matter what!" and to continue to say that right up the point where they dump your butt or you catch them cheating on you!!!
What I am always amazed about is how many times both parties in the newbie relationship wind up drunk together rather then because one dumps the other!
Think about it, for those of you with as little time as a year, compare you as a person at 6 months sober and you at a year sober........ same person? Nope!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Worcester
Posts: 789
My experience is that most of us are too immature early on to handle relationships. However, if the other person is (1) not addicted, (2) has their act together, and (3) are willing to put up with us, then maybe.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 3
oh no, i mean diving head first into a relationship like we alcoholics do... what does an alcoholic bring on a second date... a u-haul!!!
so what i mean is intense emotional entanglements that distract significantly from one's program
so what i mean is intense emotional entanglements that distract significantly from one's program
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
so it okay suggest to a newbies that's been dating someone for years perhaps
to stop dating. Some people date longer than other's that's been married.
not everyone rant a U haul..some people can't commit, period.
some people never get involve in a relationship even after years
and years of being clean and sober becuase they are afraid of getting
hurt.
the odds arn't any greater or lesser. some people get loaded or relapsed
becuase they're miserable and lonely in earliy recovery.
the trick reverse phycology..lol
if you don't want newbie not to date then you tell them to
becuase newbies don't follow directions and do the oppisite of what you tell them.
come On now...did you all forget where you came from..lol
to stop dating. Some people date longer than other's that's been married.
not everyone rant a U haul..some people can't commit, period.
some people never get involve in a relationship even after years
and years of being clean and sober becuase they are afraid of getting
hurt.
the odds arn't any greater or lesser. some people get loaded or relapsed
becuase they're miserable and lonely in earliy recovery.
the trick reverse phycology..lol
if you don't want newbie not to date then you tell them to
becuase newbies don't follow directions and do the oppisite of what you tell them.
come On now...did you all forget where you came from..lol
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
Personal experience speaking here:
My sponsor "cautioned" me about the dangers of getting romantically involved with anyone within the first year. But...being a 48-year-old married woman (separated from husband) with three grown children, I knew better. Long story short, I met someone who was supposedly "sober"...after I was sober for four months, he started drinking again, I picked up again (in anger...I'll show him)...I wound up back in detox, and I don't know to this day if he ever quit drinking.
Oh, I also filed for divorce as soon as I got out of detox the first time, went to court on my 90 days celebration (sponsor accompanied me). I probably would have gotten the divorce anyway; but, in retrospect, I wish I had taken the suggestion of no major changes in the first year.
I think we're all too emotionally vulnerable early on to handle anything that might jeopardize our sobriety...it's such a fragile, precious thing.
My sponsor "cautioned" me about the dangers of getting romantically involved with anyone within the first year. But...being a 48-year-old married woman (separated from husband) with three grown children, I knew better. Long story short, I met someone who was supposedly "sober"...after I was sober for four months, he started drinking again, I picked up again (in anger...I'll show him)...I wound up back in detox, and I don't know to this day if he ever quit drinking.
Oh, I also filed for divorce as soon as I got out of detox the first time, went to court on my 90 days celebration (sponsor accompanied me). I probably would have gotten the divorce anyway; but, in retrospect, I wish I had taken the suggestion of no major changes in the first year.
I think we're all too emotionally vulnerable early on to handle anything that might jeopardize our sobriety...it's such a fragile, precious thing.
Silly Rabbit
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 956
NO!
sweet jesus, no. i am dealing with my sponsee with this right now. ok, wait. maybe it's not always bad, maybe sometimes it's ok. but, if your 4th step looked anything like mine, then i'd wait. and that's what i told the sponsee, and... yeah. she can't stay away from boys. well, she won't. her boy issues are just as bad as they ever were, but this time a solution's looking her in the face and she's not taking it. that's her call, not mine. and i love her where she's at, and she'll get it when she gets it. but, from my experience... NO NO NO NO NO.
hahahahaha, sounds a little harsh i bet. eh, live and let live. peace.
sweet jesus, no. i am dealing with my sponsee with this right now. ok, wait. maybe it's not always bad, maybe sometimes it's ok. but, if your 4th step looked anything like mine, then i'd wait. and that's what i told the sponsee, and... yeah. she can't stay away from boys. well, she won't. her boy issues are just as bad as they ever were, but this time a solution's looking her in the face and she's not taking it. that's her call, not mine. and i love her where she's at, and she'll get it when she gets it. but, from my experience... NO NO NO NO NO.
hahahahaha, sounds a little harsh i bet. eh, live and let live. peace.
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