kj21

After my abf missed work last week (again) I kicked him out. He had no where to go so slept in our motorhome for 3 nights. Friday he called and asked to sleep in the house as it was very cold out. I said it would be fine. Saturday morning he said he never realized before how much i hated him. I said I don't hate you, just your actions and addiction. He is on his last chance at work. We talked on Saturday morning and agreed that he would sign a contract stating that he could stay in the house as long as he did not miss work, use, lie, ect. I made him sign it stating if he does any of these things he will leave us. No fights, no more promises, no more apologies, this is it. I know the contract is only as good as the paper it is written on but now it is there, in black and white for him and me! Too many times I have not followed thru on my word to leave him. I have no idea where this will lead or how long things can go on like this. I keep thinking if he has really seen his bottom, maybe..... but i must stay strong for now and take one day at a time. I am hoping the contract will help him to stay clean or force me to take action. Just my thoughts for today. Hope you all are having a serene day!!!

hope213

set bountries that are not kept lets him know he can do as he pleases.it is up to you to carry them through if he doesn't. i hope he is ready this time.prayers for your family.

LearningHusband

"I am hoping the contract will help him to stay clean or force me to take action."

If you're hoping that the contract will help him stay clean, you're in for sure disappointment. If you look at it as a tool to help you take action when he he falls, good for you. It can serve as a great reminder of what your boundaries are (for YOU).

You never want to set boundaries that are designed to elicit some response from the addict. They should be set up for your personal well being. It's usually the fact that they addict doesn't like the boundary that sets them off because they can't manipulate like they once could.

Great job on the boundaries - stick to them. Just don't look beyond it as a means to "fix" him.

LH

kj21

Oh, I am not hoping to fix him. I have tried that, and now realize I cannot be the one to fix him. This site has helped me come to understand that. Only he can change his behavior. No amount of tears, begging, yelling, threats can make him change. I guess the contract is for me then. I need it to be OK when I really kick him out. To feel I had given him every oppurtunity to change. To let him know it is real. Thank you for your responses!!

rahsue

I hope you can stick to your boundaries. I am fighting with myself to stick to mine and it is very hard. I haven't had to enforce the issue yet and I worry all the time that I'll say "fine, but the next time" which is what I normally do. I'm gonna have to stick to it . I just have to.

good luck to you

GiveLove

KJ,
I'm sorry you're still having to deal with this. Prayers that he finds his way soon.
I too wanted to be absolutely positively sure that I'd tried everything I could before splitting with my XABF. So we did contracts, counseling, and everything else.

I'm glad I did. It made my task easier eventually (sad as that sounds). If I hadn't done those things, I would always have had doubt in my heart.

But you know what? He STILL told me that I needed to give him another chance, still told me I was a lousy human being for splitting up, still tried to convince me I hadn't done enough for him.

So I'm glad you're doing this, for YOU. As for him...you may still have to deal with all of the quacking, but at least you know in your heart of hearts that you did everything you felt right about doing.

Hugs,
GL

HKAngel24

KJ~

I am sorry for what you are feeling. I know the pain. Maybe putting it on paper in black and white will be something REAL for you- a boundary in concrete form and written words.

I loved the part about he never realized how much you hated him. I have been thinking about what it takes on OUR part to get through this. Facing how I have disowned myself is confusing and scary for me. We have been through so much, how can we not be angry? It seems it is a given- a human response. We have every right to feel anger and to be fed up.
I am thinking about you and understanding how hard this is - i pray for your strength and for him.

dazednconfuse

Good for you, kj! Sometimes we need to do these things to stay on track. Not only is it in black and white for him, but for you as well.

I, too, utilized the contract to set boundaries within my marriage - it was my last attempt at achieving a healthy relationship. Sadly, it didn't work. He admitted later that as he was signing the contract in front of me and our therapist, he was already thinking of ways around it. It only took me a week to find out he was still taking the oxys/percocets/actiqs; still lying to my face. Now he's out of the house and we're in the process of divorce... which was the consequence written within the contract. And fair warning to you - choose your words wisely! My hubby told me that the contract said the result of crossing my boundaries MAY result in divorce, not WILL result in divorce. You'd think the operative word here would have been DIVORCE.

He says now he never thought I'd leave him. Boy, did he underestimate me...

kj21

Thank you to everyone! You guys are really a godsend for me! I don't think any one really understands unless they have been in love with an addict. It is so easy to say " I would never put up with that" but till you walk a mile........
dazed...LOL MAY result instead of WILL...they really learn to manipulate don't they?

dazednconfuse

KJ, oh yeah, suddenly he became 007 with the wordsmithing! Unreal.

Glad I could give you a laugh when you need it!