Setting boundaries with "friends"
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Setting boundaries with "friends"
One of my best friends treated me horribly when I decided to move back in with my recovering AH. I've not spoken to her since, but I know it is just a matter of time until she contacts me, and I really do not know what to say to her.
Actually, she treats me horribly almost any time she drinks. She is not an alcoholic, she rarely drinks, but when she does, she totally goes off the deep end and I wind up being at the receiving end of her tirades.
As a bit of history, she divorced her husband of 20 some years because he was an alcoholic. I supported her through the whole ordeal. I had her and her family (to include her grandmother, and two daughter's) move in with us for a while when she was having a house built. We were there the night her grandmother passed away (she was already in her house, but we went over when her grandmother was passing).
I hate to lose her as a friend, we've been through a lot together, but I absolutely refuse to be anyone's doormat any longer. I just don't know how to get that across without sounding bitter or confrontational. Any suggestions?
Actually, she treats me horribly almost any time she drinks. She is not an alcoholic, she rarely drinks, but when she does, she totally goes off the deep end and I wind up being at the receiving end of her tirades.
As a bit of history, she divorced her husband of 20 some years because he was an alcoholic. I supported her through the whole ordeal. I had her and her family (to include her grandmother, and two daughter's) move in with us for a while when she was having a house built. We were there the night her grandmother passed away (she was already in her house, but we went over when her grandmother was passing).
I hate to lose her as a friend, we've been through a lot together, but I absolutely refuse to be anyone's doormat any longer. I just don't know how to get that across without sounding bitter or confrontational. Any suggestions?
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My favorite reading from The Language Of Letting Go, this is a concept I struggle with very much-
Saturday, December 29, 2007
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Moving On
Learn the art of acceptance. It's a lot of grief.
--Codependent No More
Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships. Sometimes, it comes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship.
This is true in love, in friendships, with family, and on the job.
Endings and changes in relationships are not easy. But often, they are necessary.
Sometimes, we linger in relationships that are dead, out of fear of being alone or to postpone the inevitable grieving process that accompanies endings. Sometimes, we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong and ready enough to handle the change.
If that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves. It is better to wait until that moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistent to act.
We will know. We will know. We can trust ourselves.
Knowing that a relationship is changing or is about to end is a difficult place to be in, especially when it is not yet time to act but we know the time is drawing near. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, as the lesson draws to a close. We may become impatient to put closure on it, but not yet feel empowered to do that. That's okay. The time is not yet right. Something important is still happening. When the time is right, we can trust that it will happen. We will receive the power and the ability to do what we need to do.
Ending relationships or changing the boundaries of a particular relationship is not easy. It requires courage and faith. It requires a willingness on our part to take care of ourselves and, sometimes, to stand-alone for a while.
Let go of fear. Understand that change is an important part of recovery. Love yourself enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and find enough confidence to believe that you will love again.
We are never starting over. In recovery, we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons. We will find ourselves with certain people - in love, family, friendships, and work - when we need to be with them. When the lesson has been mastered, we will move on. We will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons, with new people.
No, the lessons are not all painful. We will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain, but from joy and love.
Our needs will get met.
Today, I will accept where I am in my relationships, even if that place is awkward and uncomfortable. If I am in the midst of endings, I will face and accept my grief. God, help me trust that the path I am on has been perfectly and lovingly planned for me. Help me believe that my relationships are teaching me important lessons. Help me accept and be grateful for middles, endings, and new beginnings.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Moving On
Learn the art of acceptance. It's a lot of grief.
--Codependent No More
Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships. Sometimes, it comes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship.
This is true in love, in friendships, with family, and on the job.
Endings and changes in relationships are not easy. But often, they are necessary.
Sometimes, we linger in relationships that are dead, out of fear of being alone or to postpone the inevitable grieving process that accompanies endings. Sometimes, we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong and ready enough to handle the change.
If that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves. It is better to wait until that moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistent to act.
We will know. We will know. We can trust ourselves.
Knowing that a relationship is changing or is about to end is a difficult place to be in, especially when it is not yet time to act but we know the time is drawing near. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, as the lesson draws to a close. We may become impatient to put closure on it, but not yet feel empowered to do that. That's okay. The time is not yet right. Something important is still happening. When the time is right, we can trust that it will happen. We will receive the power and the ability to do what we need to do.
Ending relationships or changing the boundaries of a particular relationship is not easy. It requires courage and faith. It requires a willingness on our part to take care of ourselves and, sometimes, to stand-alone for a while.
Let go of fear. Understand that change is an important part of recovery. Love yourself enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and find enough confidence to believe that you will love again.
We are never starting over. In recovery, we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons. We will find ourselves with certain people - in love, family, friendships, and work - when we need to be with them. When the lesson has been mastered, we will move on. We will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons, with new people.
No, the lessons are not all painful. We will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain, but from joy and love.
Our needs will get met.
Today, I will accept where I am in my relationships, even if that place is awkward and uncomfortable. If I am in the midst of endings, I will face and accept my grief. God, help me trust that the path I am on has been perfectly and lovingly planned for me. Help me believe that my relationships are teaching me important lessons. Help me accept and be grateful for middles, endings, and new beginnings.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher.
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Thanks Astro! That's some good stuff.
I don't know why the whole incident gets under my skin so much. I suppose it just really aggravated me because the crap that came out of her mouth were completely wrong. It wouldn't have been so bad I don't think if her assessment of why I was moving back and giving it another go were even remotely accurate, but they weren't. I guess it made me realize that she really doesn't know me at all, and that was the biggest hurt. I think she was projecting on me her inability to forgive her ex. She's always felt that my ability to forgive (with anyone, not just my AH) is a sign of weakness. I don't look at it that way at all, but trying to explain forgiving, does not mean forgetting, and that forgiveness, for me, is for me, not the person who "does not deserve" my forgiveness. If that makes any sense.
She is very outwardly friendly with her ex, they still do all holiday and family events together. The only difference in what she does and what I do is that she just makes a good show. She still holds on to a lot of anger and resentment, and will use it as a weapon when her ex (who has been sober for 3 years now) doesn't do what she wants him to do. She refuses to let it all go, which only hurts her, not him.
Anyway, I'm just rambling now. It's just all very frustrating at times, but I need to stop worrying about her issues and just keep dealing with my own, that's all I can really do I guess.
I don't know why the whole incident gets under my skin so much. I suppose it just really aggravated me because the crap that came out of her mouth were completely wrong. It wouldn't have been so bad I don't think if her assessment of why I was moving back and giving it another go were even remotely accurate, but they weren't. I guess it made me realize that she really doesn't know me at all, and that was the biggest hurt. I think she was projecting on me her inability to forgive her ex. She's always felt that my ability to forgive (with anyone, not just my AH) is a sign of weakness. I don't look at it that way at all, but trying to explain forgiving, does not mean forgetting, and that forgiveness, for me, is for me, not the person who "does not deserve" my forgiveness. If that makes any sense.
She is very outwardly friendly with her ex, they still do all holiday and family events together. The only difference in what she does and what I do is that she just makes a good show. She still holds on to a lot of anger and resentment, and will use it as a weapon when her ex (who has been sober for 3 years now) doesn't do what she wants him to do. She refuses to let it all go, which only hurts her, not him.
Anyway, I'm just rambling now. It's just all very frustrating at times, but I need to stop worrying about her issues and just keep dealing with my own, that's all I can really do I guess.
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Originally Posted by hmbld 
It's just all very frustrating at times, but I need to stop worrying about her issues and just keep dealing with my own, that's all I can really do I guess.
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I had a similar friend; have not heard from her in almost 2 years. I don't even think about it any more. Today, I try to stay in the present and not worry about what might happen. The choices I make today are done without worrying what anyone else thinks of them or me.
((()))
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Originally Posted by Astro
I could go nuts trying to manipulate and control others to do what I'd like to see them do, but my sponsor explained it best years ago: Whatever anyone else says, thinks, or does is none of my business unless they invite me in.
I'm really okay with not having her in my life any further. My biggest anxiety is if and when she decides to make contact with me again. I don't want it to become some big pissing match. Just need to figure out how to voice the fact that I no longer will tolerate being her whipping post.
I have plenty of friends who have differing opinions than me, but only this one turns a differing opinion into a personal attack. She can't seem to separate the two. Every differing opinion I have from hers makes (in her mind) my character flawed.
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