hbb

Oh i don't even know where to begin and i hope it's ok to post here. My exabf has spent most of the last year trying to help his sister-in-law get clean of coke/other drugs. It did cause alot of termoil between us because he was always going to her aide for his brother while he was away in the Army. I just got a call this morning from a co-worker of his that she had committed suicide/overdosed, not sure the details yet and i'm just so sad for that family. She was a mother of 3 little ones and was never there for them this past year, in and out of rehab. Anyways, just looking for some advice. As you know my and my exabf have not spoken since he left in July.

My friends and family think it's best for me to just send a card in a few days to his brother/parents house and thats all.

I feel so guilty for not calling my ex or texting him but then again don't feel it's my place to try to comfort him as he cheated on me/left me and can't open the door as what happened between he and i was completely unacceptable. I just don't want to get involved but don't want to come across cold or uncaring. Some help would be much appreciated. I've never dealt with this sort of loss.

Thanks

CBrown

Oh my. I am so sorry. How tragic for those three children!

I agree - send a card with a note to the family. As for your X, I know I would be tempted to do the same as you are. If you do, you know you stand the risk of getting sucked back into the cycle again! If you don't, you feel like you've been heartless. Well, what he's done to you is heartless, too!

Look, if you want to help, pray for him to learn from this. Send him an anonymous card of sympathy or encouragement. You want him to be comforted, right? My friends and I still send anonymous and inspirational encouragement to my XABF. It's not about giving yourself credit, it's about hoping that something will break through someday.

That's just what I would do.

ladyjane

I'm so sorry!!!
Trish

cagefree

I like how you turned this around to the reality that it is. Living life on life's terms means that if you treat someone like poo, they aren't going to stick around you, and you must face the consequences of your poor choices when it comes to how you choose to treat others.

When you are protecting and taking care of yourself, how others perceive you is a moot point, especially the one who treated you badly. You can still love him and care about him without getting involved. Even if you are the only one who knows you are detaching with love, you are the only one who needs to know.

Hugs to you!

parentrecovers

i'm sorry for the loss, hbb. a card is a nice gesture. be careful not to get in a conversation right now with your ex though, you're vulnerable..

blessings, k

hbb

Thanks everyone for your support.


Thanks Cage, actually i wasn't able to turn it around, i immediately picked up the phone to call him to comfort him but then called a friend and my mother for advice first. My mom said to do nothing right now. And my friends said the same thing. It's soooo hard for me because i immediately want to say it's going to be ok but then i remember he didn't give a damn about me when he went away with his ex. What a crappy situation. But you guys are right, a card is sufficient for now

hopeangel

i'm so sorry hbb. i went though something similiar just a while back with my MIL passing.

i have to warn you that letting me AH in and supporting him during that time did cause a setback in me for a while. i would be careful. i think that card sounds like the perfect way to show support without getting sucked back in.

take care hon.

hbb

I honestly don't expect to hear from him during this time. My friend keeps telling me to beware but i really don't think so, as he hasn't tried the whole time we haven't been together. I'm at such a loss. My heart is so broken for them but not sure what i can really do at this point.

Afraid2Succeed

always a sad situation. may she rest in peace.

CBrown

Heather, I really feel for you, and have been following the thread this morning.

I feel the same as you. You want to him to know that you're sympathetic and your heart goes out to him. But how do you do it without getting sucked back in? If he's like R, he'll use it as a tool. Won't he just cycle you through his life again? I wouldn't blame you for sending a card, though, to both him and the family.

You are facing the situation I know I will have to face at some point in the future. EVERY TIME, like you, I have said "he'll never call ME again" at some point I send an email or note that says "hope you're doing well", he'll call, and there it goes again. We are not cold, unfeeling people. We just don't want USED! Unfortunately that's the problem - the revenge is cold & hard when they cannot use us any longer or when our pressure to quit is too strong.

hbb

Well i just got off the phone with my dad SOBBING and he said what you guys are saying. He said if i contact him other than a family card to his parents house that i will see him at the wake or funeral and when we don't speak after that that it will send me in a downward spiral and start the process again. I know i'm not a part of that family anymore but his mum emails me occassionally and i'm just so sad for them. I know a card i sufficient but i just want to hug all of them

Astro

(((Heather))) I'd agree that a card and/or flowers to the family would be appropriate to let them know that you're thinking of them.

hbb

I can't help but feel like a HORRIBLE person for not acknowledging today. But i also have read long enough here to know the consequences. I wish i could stop crying, i hate this, im so sad about addiction in every form

CBrown

You can be supportive of his mom, and still be strong. Why not go a day or so after the funeral? When you know he's not going to be there? I still do that with my ex's family. I don't go to birthday parties, etc., on that day, but I go at a different time.

You have to examine your feelings here. If you want to go to the funeral, it's probably because you want to see HIM. If you are just as happy going the day after to see his mom, then your mind isn't playing tricks with you.

Case in point. My XABF lives in Key Largo and I have another friend who lives up in Miami. She has invited me down when her condo kitchen is done being remodeled. I had to think about this. I am going solely because of her, or am I going so that I can make a side trip and snoop on him? No, I am going to skip the side trip and I'm excited about her showing me the nice side of Miami (instead of the drunken side). That way I know that my intentions are on the right side instead of the destructive side.

So use this for self examination. Are you, with this sad situation, going to attempt to reopen old wounds with him? I am not criticizing you at all because I'm in the same boat, as always! It's just an opportunity for more self-examination so you can figure out where your heart lies in this mess.

hbb

Thanks Claudia, i know exactly what you are saying and a friend said that he was on the back of my mind. I am completely sincere when i say i'm devistated for those little kids and his brother. And i did just talk to my mom and told her how hard my exabf worked on helping her and you know what she said....what i've heard here so much unfortunately, that he couldn't help her like i can't help him. I'll get the details and just send a card in a few days. If need be he knows how to get in touch with me, i've reached out to him for a year now to no avail. I'll leave it alone and keep them in my thoughts and prayers.

Mair

Heather (((()))) how horrible, i agree with all of the above send a card. You have every right to feel sad about addiction, i feel the exact way. Those poor children it always them that suffer the worse. May she rest in peace.

Mx

MsGolightly

heather, i'm so sorry that you and her family are going through this. it's just so sad.

if it were me, i'd send a card to her family, not to your ex. i'm sure he knows (or will know) that you heard about it, and if he knows you at all, he knows how much you care and sympathize, regardless of whether or not you let him know.

hbb

You right, I just heard that it happened friday night and there are no real answers yet. Soooo sad for them and those kids. I just remember the downward spiral she was in the past year. Very very sad. I will send a card to his family in a few days when i know more. I was told specifically by my roommates dad (he works with my ex) not to contact him as i will be sucked back in. I'm at a loss, i really feel mean by not texting him but in my heart know i shouldn't and let them console each other right now....

cagefree

Hey Heather,

It sounds as though YOU are having a tough time. (((()))) What would you want someone to do for you to nurture and care for you...a movie? A drive in the mountains to see the leaves? A Concert? Grab a friend and go do some things to make you feel better.

You care about him, you are thinking of him and his family and wish them well - that's enough. Nothing more is required of you - and you are still a good and thoughtful person, card/flowers or not.

You were there for him in the past and gave more than you could afford - you've done enough sweetie.

hbb

I know deep down in side there is nothing i should/can do but i hate that codie helpless feeling like i should run to his aid. I know he's probably not even thinking about if i will contact him because he's there for his family and rightfully so. I know i have to cut the cord but it's hard.

My mom said last night flat out, what's it going to take for me to get it. I know what she means. There are MAJOR problems in every aspect of his life now extended further than him. I know i have to live for me but i've never done that and always given instead of taken anything. I'm not used to letting go and working on me. Maybe it's denial of my own issues. I never thought life was this hard but lately it seems impossible, everyday is a struggle for me....