Having doubts...is this the alcoholism trying to make me succumb?
"Grateful to be Sober."
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 90
Having doubts...is this the alcoholism trying to make me succumb?
Hi all,
I've posted a couple of times already and want to say a huge thanks to all who have helped me out with my probs, and thanks to all the ppl posting threads on here- i often get a lot of insight and help from them. I'm happy to say this is my 7th day sober (woo 1 week lol) - but sad to say that i'm not feeling to great right now. I know it's expected but it's hard...
I've gone past al the physical effects, but i'm still having probs with accepting i'm an alcoholic. I know that i am. But accepting it is not easy. I keep thinking, oh your too young, you didn't drink everyday, you could control it (sometimes), you haven't lost everything through drink, etc... Does this mean that i may not be?
Also there is the thing that because both my parents are in A.A, i find myself worrying- "oh well you're just giving in thinking u r because it runs in the family- if u really tried, got out of your mindset, u could control it". This one in particular is the main niggling though i have- it bothers me all the time. I know it's probably the alcoholism though. But i cannot describe the pain it causes mentally having these doubts all the time. It's the indecision that stops me from getting to step 1. I want to accept, i know i am. Bu then come 10 mins i'll have doubts again- and i'm terrified i'll get one of those doubts at the wrong time and drink.
I've tried to quit twice before and given up on the third day. The fist time i drunk again i ended up in hospital and then 2nd time i ended up on a two day binge, alone in my uni room for a lot of it. I feel like this is my chance, i'm 20 i've my whole life ahead of me, but there is so much fear and unacceptance. I'm also finding it hard to ask for help at meetings, and ring the numbers given to me. I want a sponser but stupidly i'm scared of the rejection (if they do say no). I know i have to give this my all though. phew....well feel btter for writing that, still scared tho
I've posted a couple of times already and want to say a huge thanks to all who have helped me out with my probs, and thanks to all the ppl posting threads on here- i often get a lot of insight and help from them. I'm happy to say this is my 7th day sober (woo 1 week lol) - but sad to say that i'm not feeling to great right now. I know it's expected but it's hard...
I've gone past al the physical effects, but i'm still having probs with accepting i'm an alcoholic. I know that i am. But accepting it is not easy. I keep thinking, oh your too young, you didn't drink everyday, you could control it (sometimes), you haven't lost everything through drink, etc... Does this mean that i may not be?
Also there is the thing that because both my parents are in A.A, i find myself worrying- "oh well you're just giving in thinking u r because it runs in the family- if u really tried, got out of your mindset, u could control it". This one in particular is the main niggling though i have- it bothers me all the time. I know it's probably the alcoholism though. But i cannot describe the pain it causes mentally having these doubts all the time. It's the indecision that stops me from getting to step 1. I want to accept, i know i am. Bu then come 10 mins i'll have doubts again- and i'm terrified i'll get one of those doubts at the wrong time and drink.
I've tried to quit twice before and given up on the third day. The fist time i drunk again i ended up in hospital and then 2nd time i ended up on a two day binge, alone in my uni room for a lot of it. I feel like this is my chance, i'm 20 i've my whole life ahead of me, but there is so much fear and unacceptance. I'm also finding it hard to ask for help at meetings, and ring the numbers given to me. I want a sponser but stupidly i'm scared of the rejection (if they do say no). I know i have to give this my all though. phew....well feel btter for writing that, still scared tho
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,876
Good Morning Mandi! Great Job on a week!
Now that the physical side effects are gone, you need to work on the mental aspect of sobriety. To me alcohol is a posion...plain and simple. I hate the affect it has on me and the hold it has on me when I ingest it. The simple fact that you ended up in the hospital because of it should be reason enough to question any future use. I don't concern myself with semantics....am I or am I not an alcoholic is not the question, for me it is simply that drinking is making me a person that even I don't want to be around!
The number one thing that has helped me is using the word THINK
Before you pick up THINK that drink to the end.
Where will you be one hour from that first drink?? For me I will be on my second or third...
Two hours???
Three hours???
Four hours????
Five hours???
Keep up the good work...you are worth it. God Speed to you
Now that the physical side effects are gone, you need to work on the mental aspect of sobriety. To me alcohol is a posion...plain and simple. I hate the affect it has on me and the hold it has on me when I ingest it. The simple fact that you ended up in the hospital because of it should be reason enough to question any future use. I don't concern myself with semantics....am I or am I not an alcoholic is not the question, for me it is simply that drinking is making me a person that even I don't want to be around!
The number one thing that has helped me is using the word THINK
Before you pick up THINK that drink to the end.
Where will you be one hour from that first drink?? For me I will be on my second or third...
Two hours???
Three hours???
Four hours????
Five hours???
Keep up the good work...you are worth it. God Speed to you
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: England
Posts: 357
Hi Mandi!
You've said a lot of things in that post that I've thought myself. My mum is in AA, and I wonder if I'm being overly cautious. I realise now that its a good think that my Mum is in AA, as it meant that I was aware of alcoholism from a younger age, and it helped me to realise that I do have a problem much earlier. I've not really lost much due to my drinking, but I can see that if I went back out and drink, I would end up loosing everything. I've heard a few shares at the meetings that make me realise how easy it is to loose everything, and I don't want that. I know I really tried to give up. I managed 17 weeks sober last year, and then I started thinking "Oh, I've done 17 weeks, so I obviously wasn't an alcoholic. I bet I can control it now". The first time I drank after that, it was worse than any time before. I went straight back to where I was, it was as if those 17 weeks didn't exsist. I know that if I don't get the help and support I need this time, I'll end up drinking again.
The meetings are pretty scary for me. I've been going for 3 weeks now, and I'm starting to talk to people a little more. At first, I didn't speak a word, but I do have conversations with people before and after the meeting now. I've accepted a few lifts home, which has given me chance to talk to people. I've got a few phone numbers of people I can ring, but I haven't yet. My mum said that once I do phone, its unlikely that I'll run out of things to say. I am going to phone a lady for the first time in about half an hour to ask for a lift to a meeting tonight. I'm really, really scared, but I know that other people have felt this scared before, and they managed it. I'm going to phone.
You say you are worried about asking someone to be your sponsor. Do any of the local meetings have a temporary sponsor list? One of mine does, people write thier name and number if they are willing to be a temporary sponsor. You could ask if there is a list near you, if that would be easier? I think I might ask the lady tonight if she will sponsor me temporarily, when she shared the other day it really spoke to me.
One thing someone said at the meeting the other day was that they had to 'fake it to make it' in the beginning. Could you do that? Just pretend for now, and keep doing what you are suppose to - getting to meetings, talking, listening and reading. They say it comes eventually. I'm faking it with praying at the moment - I'm finding it hard, but I'm forcing myself to pray every morning, despite not really wanting to.
My Mum said that I should stick with AA for 6 months, and if I don't like it by then, I can have my misery back.
I'm only 20, and I think I'd rather spend my next 20 years in AA with some great people and peace of mind, than the next 20 years in the gutter.
Hope this helps
You've said a lot of things in that post that I've thought myself. My mum is in AA, and I wonder if I'm being overly cautious. I realise now that its a good think that my Mum is in AA, as it meant that I was aware of alcoholism from a younger age, and it helped me to realise that I do have a problem much earlier. I've not really lost much due to my drinking, but I can see that if I went back out and drink, I would end up loosing everything. I've heard a few shares at the meetings that make me realise how easy it is to loose everything, and I don't want that. I know I really tried to give up. I managed 17 weeks sober last year, and then I started thinking "Oh, I've done 17 weeks, so I obviously wasn't an alcoholic. I bet I can control it now". The first time I drank after that, it was worse than any time before. I went straight back to where I was, it was as if those 17 weeks didn't exsist. I know that if I don't get the help and support I need this time, I'll end up drinking again.
The meetings are pretty scary for me. I've been going for 3 weeks now, and I'm starting to talk to people a little more. At first, I didn't speak a word, but I do have conversations with people before and after the meeting now. I've accepted a few lifts home, which has given me chance to talk to people. I've got a few phone numbers of people I can ring, but I haven't yet. My mum said that once I do phone, its unlikely that I'll run out of things to say. I am going to phone a lady for the first time in about half an hour to ask for a lift to a meeting tonight. I'm really, really scared, but I know that other people have felt this scared before, and they managed it. I'm going to phone.
You say you are worried about asking someone to be your sponsor. Do any of the local meetings have a temporary sponsor list? One of mine does, people write thier name and number if they are willing to be a temporary sponsor. You could ask if there is a list near you, if that would be easier? I think I might ask the lady tonight if she will sponsor me temporarily, when she shared the other day it really spoke to me.
One thing someone said at the meeting the other day was that they had to 'fake it to make it' in the beginning. Could you do that? Just pretend for now, and keep doing what you are suppose to - getting to meetings, talking, listening and reading. They say it comes eventually. I'm faking it with praying at the moment - I'm finding it hard, but I'm forcing myself to pray every morning, despite not really wanting to.
My Mum said that I should stick with AA for 6 months, and if I don't like it by then, I can have my misery back.
I'm only 20, and I think I'd rather spend my next 20 years in AA with some great people and peace of mind, than the next 20 years in the gutter.
Hope this helps
"Grateful to be Sober."
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 90
Thanks for help guys, don't know what i'd do without this place- and A.A! Thanks Odaat for pointing out the similarities (there are a good few actually!) with u and how u overcome them or trying to. There are not temp sponser lists up here, but it's like u said, fake it for now and i'm sure it will come- so i am just going to grin and bear it and outright ask a lady to sponser me! If i dont ask i won't get! I wish i could tell my mum- she'd hav loadsa advice but think it's best for me to wait a while before i tell her. Good look with your call, i know you'll be fine
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: England
Posts: 357
I didn't tell my Mum for a couple of months. She actually thought I might have a problem long before I had any idea! I was very nervous about telling her that I'd started going to meetings, I'm not really sure why. We talked a bit this weekend, and she thought I was doing the right thing. Are you getting out to plenty of meetings? I'm glad you are here, its always good to be able to talk to someone in similar circumstances
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: on the moon
Posts: 944
Hi Mandi!
It's great to hear you're on Day 7. Congratulations!
You said you think you're "too young to be an alcoholic". I believe alcoholism is a genetic issue. Therefore us alcoholics are born with it.
I was 15 when I became awear of my illness. I was 20, like you, when I quit the first time.
Let us know how you're getting on.
Take care.
It's great to hear you're on Day 7. Congratulations!
You said you think you're "too young to be an alcoholic". I believe alcoholism is a genetic issue. Therefore us alcoholics are born with it.
I was 15 when I became awear of my illness. I was 20, like you, when I quit the first time.
Let us know how you're getting on.
Take care.
"Grateful to be Sober."
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 90
Yeah i've been going to meetings every day since last monday- really feel i need them at the min. I'm making the most of it though, as i'm at uni and also need to get a job a.s.a.p as money is tight. I've often wondered whether my mum or dad has suspected anything...i dunno thoough- i mean both have had words with me about my drinking but they've never said - you have a problem, a couple of friends and ex b/fs hav tho - and a job supervisor and a stranger actually! So God knows why i still have denial- i mean how many times do i need to be told? Lol, but it's like people say, it's a decietful disease- and the only one u think u havn't got! lol anyway im rambling....do u go everyday to mtngs? worried i'll not be able to cope with less than 1 a day when i get a job. It's great to have u to talk to- always nice to have that identification and u've been a good help
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: England
Posts: 357
I always go to a Sunday Step meeting and a Thursday Big Book meeting. There are meetings every other day of the week, and I usually go to 3 a week. So almost every day, but I do have a day off occasionally! I'm starting to get a bit more comfortable at meetings, I was so terrified at first. I'm looking forward to when I'm able to just sit and listen without feeling scared. My Mum gave me some AA leaflets when I was 13 or 14, and it took from then until last year to realise that I was an alcoholic and that I've got to do something about it. I've been happier since I've been to AA meetings that I've ever been before. Hope you can find a good balance between work and meetings, I'm finding it difficult to fit them in when all I want to do is have an early night, but you've gotta put this first haven't you?
"Grateful to be Sober."
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 90
Ture, i never want ot be at meetings everyday for the rest of my life! I think three a week sounds good. I know exactly what u mean about just letting go and listening. I often pray to God to help me relax and listen, but i struggle, i feel all tense and nervous...but as u say, it'll get better- just having hope is the key i guess.
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