I was doing so good. . .

Old 09-30-2007, 04:50 PM
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Unhappy I was doing so good. . .

I am new at this but was surprised at how quickly I embraced it! I guess I was so tired of the stress and anxiety of carrying it all. As I have posted recently I have a 22 year old AS who is in another state waiting for a trial on marijuana delivery. But I haven't shared that I also have a husband who is addicted to his depression. He shows all the signs that I recognize now, as my son does.( Or better yet, I showed all the same co-dependant signs) He is in denial, refuses to get help, has sunk so low in his depression and withdrew emotionally and physically from me for periods of time that ranged from days to weeks and then months. It had gotten progressively worse not better. I realized I had been his "cure" for far to long. I covered for him with friends, made excuses for his episodes, was always there when he "came-back" emotionally. I made it easy for him to not deal with his problem. I found this site and Al-anon at the same time about 2 months ago. I was recently separated from my husband, kicked my son out, and through counciling was beginning to understand I had better fix myself or nothing in my life was going to change. I felt comfort in the first two steps because I could visualize handing my son and husband off the Gods hands and this brought me so much peace. I was amazed and so happy! I found a place where people were like me and were thriving! It was so easy for me to embrace it. I was on the road to a quick recovery!!
Then BAMM!!! It feels like its all coming back. My husband is inching his way back into my life, and my son is calling and touching my heart. The problem is nothing has changed for either one. Husband says he accepts he has a problem but thinks he can fight it himself( umhum). Son doesn't think he has a problem. Nothing has changed so. . .Where did that peace go? Why am I thinking about them again? How/When did I let my husband start tugging on my heart? Why is my son's problem hurting so much again? Why did the fact that my husband called and said he thinks he is going to get help fill me with hope? ( God keep me off that rollercoaster please!) I thought I was passed that!!!! Why when my son calls do I think I can reach him again? ARGGGGGG!!! I want my serenity back!! Even if it was just a small chunk. And I KNOW I have to work on that!! And i know now its going to be HARD!! Harder than I thought. I guess I needed to vent.
Thanks.
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Old 09-30-2007, 04:58 PM
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you are doing ok. we all have relapses, especially early in recovery. you know what to do,keep the focus on you.do things you like to do,stay to busy to think about them or have time for them. recovery & peace are wonderful. you will get there,it just takes time.
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Old 09-30-2007, 05:04 PM
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Ann
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Cece, have you tried any meetings? The only way I found my balance was to go to meetings and learn to work a program that literally saved my life.

Give it a try, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Hugs
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Old 09-30-2007, 05:05 PM
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((((((Cece)))))))

Your feeling everything, exactly as you should.
Recovery doesn't happen overnight. For anyone.
I still find myself, once in a while, falling back to step 1.
Heck! There are people who've been in recovery for many, many years, that
still have to button down the hatch, when a big wave of relapse hits.
It's normal and natural. Your doing fine.
Prayers from me to you,
Linda
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Old 09-30-2007, 05:26 PM
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Aww Cece,
I don't know about everyone else, but I slip too. Not as often as I use to, but just the same, just like the addict, I can slip into past behavior pretty darn easy.


Just identify it as a slip, get to a meeting, read your recovery books, and build up your strength.


(Funny, but at my meeting last night, probably 50% of the people there slipped last week, and we all blamed it on the full moon.)

Hugs,
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Old 09-30-2007, 05:35 PM
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thank you everyone for listening to me rant and for posting such support. And to Anne, I have been to three meetings this week, 2 alanon and 1 nar-anon. They are so helpful. I agree that I think they are saving my sanity! I feel great when I'm there.... Actually the one today is sticking on my mind, I am going for a walk and then I am doing some readings. "Big Sigh"
But again, thank to all. I am always amazed at you guys.
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Old 10-01-2007, 07:48 AM
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((((Cece)))))
I have had many slips. Even though my daughter is doing good right now, I still have my bad times. I never feel completely free from the worry. I try to do some nice things for myself and that helps me to feel better. I wanted so much more for my daughter than she has given to herself. It breaks my heart. She has destroyed herself in so many ways. She has a long way to go to get to where she needs to be.

Take care of yourself in the process of your son and husband working on theirselves.
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Old 10-01-2007, 08:03 AM
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It is a day for day adventure! I slip too, but now I recognize it for what it is, and get back on the right track. You are changing, and other things will follow.


Keep posting, it does help!

prayers,
susan
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Old 10-01-2007, 09:09 AM
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Its all a journey!!!! at least thats how I see it ...

I mean there I was at home .. trying to fix, rescue, save, my husband from drugs ... I journied down that path and walked along yelling, screaming, pleading, threatening all the way ... I had invested my happiness into my husband and he was failing me ... I repeatedly tried to control the situation, his addiction and his behavior over and over and over to the point of over-exhaustion .. I eventually became so sick and tired of living like I was living and it was then that I was willing and able admit that what I was doing all along hadn't, wasn't and isn't working .. I was open to try different things ... (it was then that I became aware that I had been enbling my husbands addiction and I was also codependent) now the I walked down the path of changing that behavior .. and that in itself was a long trip ... I fell many times and I learned to get up just as fast as I fell ... to not stay down and wallow in the mud ... a journey in itself LOL ... the further I walked the stronger I got .. and one day I found that I was able to stand on my own two feet quite well and I realized that my legs were strong enough to hold me up ... I left my ex and a few days later I found myself practically throwing myself at him .. almost begging him to take ME back (huh) ... there I was falling apart and he seemed to be calm, cool and collect ... (of course he was - HE WAS ON DOPE = desensitized) he basically gloated and chose to not be together and I was heartbroken ... I went home and tried to except that I had screwed up my marriage .. and a very good friend of mine reminded me that my husband was a sick man and helped me realize how twisted I was thinking ... and reminded me that addicts are skilled in the art of manipulation and helped me see how I was being manipulated into thinking that I ruined my marriage .. I regained my perspective .. (dusted myself off and journied on) it was at that point that when I wasn't chasing after my husband or calling him all the time .. he started wondering what the heck I was doing and he would call me .. make arrangements to come by and never show up ... of course I was hurt and upset in the beginning, but then that same friend reminded me that my husband had an addiction and that his first and foremost priority is to feed the addiction ... HE WAS an ADDICT and he was probably just doin' what addicts do = USING ... as I journied down each and every avenue .. I encountered a lot of pain ... made a lot of mistakes and learned so many valuable lessons ... 1st lesson I learned was "the one that is ready for change is the one that has to make the changes" 2nd lesson.. I couldn't do it alone (HP) 4th:was that each lesson was a journey in itself .. 5rd lesson was that I could dig my heels in all I wanted to but I was going to but I was going to learn the lesson REGARDLESS! 6th: I learned that I could live without my husband (I had always felt like I would die without him) actually I learned I was dying with him LOL .. 7th I learned that I deserved so much better than what I had settled for .. and 8th I learned to love and respect myself ... 9th I in turn became the mom my kids needed = I was healthy, whole and happy

Always keep in focus the reason you started this journey in the first place ... Be gentle with yourself .. its a process

******{Hugs}}}})
Passion
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Old 10-01-2007, 03:29 PM
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well good for you that you found it even for awhile, I sure hope I can find it soon.
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Old 10-01-2007, 08:00 PM
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"Always keep in focus the reason you started this journey in the first place ... Be gentle with yourself .. its a process "
Thanks for that! You are so right. Must remember!
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