Any Suggestions on How to Tell Him

Old 09-30-2007, 08:18 AM
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Any Suggestions on How to Tell Him

I've given this some thought, and based on what you all had to say in response to my post, I have decided to tell my ABF that I can no longer see him. He will be back in town tomorrow and will be calling me.

I don't want to attack or accuse him. I want to leave in a friendly way, but I want him to know the real reason why I am not going to see him anymore.

His drug and alcohol use is getting worse and I don't want to get anymore involved with his problems. Also the lies and cheating. When I first met him, he said he was trying to turn his life around, but it is apparent that he is not even trying.
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Old 09-30-2007, 08:42 AM
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I think no matter what you say or how you say it you need to stick with it and not go back on what you say.

No good bye sex or one last dinner together nothing cause if they can break you down once they will do it over and over again...

Just my $.02...
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Old 09-30-2007, 09:18 AM
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Karma,

Tell a little more about your ABF. How is he likely to react to being broken up with?

Chances are, no matter what his personality type, he will react negatively. If he has any dependent tendencies, he may do the "bargaining" thing, where he promises to get help, and "if you stay by my side I can get better", and all of the manipulative aspects. You need to be prepared for this, to take what knowledge you have about his reactions and prepare yourself for whatever the likely reaction will be. Practice it while you're still alone, out loud. Prepare yourself, with good sleep and food and deep breaths. It's like preparing for an athletic event...it's hard, and you need to be ready.

It may or may not be possible to be friendly at first (hurt feelings and all) but if you do this right there may be a possibility later of neutral feelings and even friendship (if you even WANT that...do you?).

Personally, if you're 100% sure you're Done, then I'd simply tell him what you've told us: That you're not comfortable at all any more with the choices he makes regarding drugs and alcohol, you do not want to be involved in the problems he has been creating for himself, you're taking your life in a different direction, and you want him to stop calling you. Try not to get angry, or to fall into the trap of arguing. This is a decision you're communicating to him, not an argument to decide who's right. He has the right to do whatever he wants with his life; you're just making other choices.

Block his phone number if he does not respect this boundary. Don't take an endless series phone calls trying to get you to see his side.

If you're **not** 100% sure you're Done, and you're willing to talk in say, 6 months, if at that point he can prove to you in writing that he's been sober (drug tests, rehab, inpatient) and self-sufficient financially, then you can do that too. But it sounds like his problems are deep-seated and are likely to be recurrent for his whole life...I personally would not choose this route, but you have to follow your heart.

Remember that if you give him an opening like "stop calling me for a WHILE" or "I need some time to THINK" then he may hold out false hope that he may be able to rope you in with promises. It may hurt to be so final, but from personal experience I can tell you that it's much more cruel to string someone along like that, even if you're not sure. Plus it creates the possibility for tremendous anger down the line on his part.

Anyway, from all of this perhaps there is something you will feel right about doing. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You sound like a good-hearted, level-headed woman with a lot of love to offer someone who's capable of giving it back.

Hugs to you, to do whatever you feel is going to bring your life the greatest joy.

GL
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Old 09-30-2007, 09:41 AM
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Wow, you are a very strong person to be able to let go like this. I applaud you.

It's true that if they aren't working some kind of program in earnest, it just gets worse. As one other member puts it, "Let go or get dragged".

Even if you don't give him the reason, he will know it in his heart. No one likes to be in the midst of chaos and turmoil.
I don't know him, but my experience tells me that you might expect a crying and begging episode. Stay strong.
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Old 09-30-2007, 09:58 AM
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GL, I think there will be a lot bargaining on his part and also telling me I imagining things. I've tried to stop seeing him before and he didn't take no for an answer. He seems to always have an answer for everything. Like all the phone calls he gets. He said they are friends that are down and just want someone to talk to. I asked him why he always has to go outside to take the call or return the phone call. No answer to that.

He is going to deny anything I say about the drugs. The lies are just one after another. When I catch him in a lie, he says well I had to tell you that because I knew you would get mad.

This will be very hard for me because I care for him a great deal, but yes I am a strong woman. I have teenage children and I have never been around alcohol or drugs before and I just don't want this in my life. My children would also think I am crazy getting involved in something like this that could ruin my life.
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Old 09-30-2007, 10:27 AM
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GoodKarma,
Good for you to assess the situation and come to a decision. I know this can't be very easy for you.

How about teling him the truth, "This isn't working for me." Period. No explanation needed.


Good luck, check in and let us know how it works out.

Hugs, Strength...
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Old 09-30-2007, 11:15 AM
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Hey Karma,
Something struck me when I read your post. Don't get invovled in the ping pong about his drug abuse. Make sure you tell him why, but then focus on taking care of you. Is he taking care of you? Doesn't sound like it. You have to take care of yourself. You are worth it. I know how hard this must be. My addict is my son and he can soooo easily get me involved in the ping pong, but it never goes anywhere. REasoning with an addict is like reasoning with a toddler. It just doesn't get you anyhwere but more frustrated. Just mho.
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Old 09-30-2007, 11:26 AM
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karma.....i, too, applaud you!!!!! you sound spot on about your plans. i'm so grateful that you recognize the red flags and are acting accordingly. your life will be so much more healthy and productive without having to become more deeply involved in the chaos and hell.

good for you, karma.....good for you!!!!!!

how many of us have wished we had broken the tie long before we became very sick with it all, and wound up physically ill, heartbroken, spiritually broken, and nearly insane with trying to deal with the ugly monster of addiction????

again.....GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!

onwards and upwards now, ok?

big hugs to you....i know this will be tough, but your life will be so much more rich, full, and healthy by making this decision.

jeri
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Old 09-30-2007, 12:14 PM
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Congrats and good for you! I'd just say Bye, not working for me! Leave the key!

susan
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Old 09-30-2007, 01:14 PM
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I agree with all above me. Just tell him how you feel, and be done with it. Above all, don't try to reason with him because as krhea75 so aptly put it, you might as well try to reason with a toddler. Don't expect him to act like a rational person, because he is not.

You obviously have been a little way down this road before, so you know what is coming. The pleas and promises, the lies and denial, the manipulation and blaming.

Don't get into a 'discussion' about any of it, because you will likely end up frustrated and dizzy. You have a perfect right to decide how you want to live your life and what you will allow in it.

Block his phone number, his email, whatever you have to do. Then go have some fun with your kids!
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