katydid444

Hi. I'm Katie and I'm new here. I'm 27 years old and have been dating my boyfriend Brian off and on for almost four years. Brian is an alcoholic who lost his father his past year to the same disease. He has admitted to being an alcoholic for years now, but has just recently started attending AA meetings.

This may sound like the dumbest question in the world, so maybe a little background info might help. Brian always preferred to drink alone rather than in bars and I was never really into the bar scene - so drinking at bars was never an issue. I went out occasionally as did he. Since he has started attending AA, he told me he doesn't want me to go to the bar anymore - ever. He said it's wrong for someone who's dating an alcoholic to drink at all, let alone go to the bar.

I didn't mean to be insensitive - I didn't even really think about it. I need to start attending Al-Anon meetings so I can better understand what I'm dealing with. Even though I've known Brian for nine years altogether, I don't know a lot about alcoholics, alcoholism, what I should and shouldn't do as the girlfriend of an alcoholic...

Am I wrong to go out to the bar at all? I did point out to him that I wasn't getting drunk, talking to guys, flirting or doing anything else but having a couple drinks with my friends. Do partners of alcoholics normally avoid bars altogether??

I mean I understand that we need to do things together that don't involve alcohol and I have always been a fan of that since I'm not really a big drinker. Honestly, I throw up after six beers, so I definitely am not worried about having a drinking problem and he's not worried about that either. He just says I shouldn't go, period, and that it's unacceptable.

Is this a stupid question? Am I selfish for even questioning this? I don't like to lie and hide things - I want to be able to tell him the truth, but I do like going out once in a while, maybe every other weekend. He was so angry with me for going out last night, but didn't tell me he was angry until today. First he said he would get over it, etc., then today it became unacceptable.

Is it unacceptable? I feel like it's overkill to ask me to never enter a bar again for a drink, even with my friends. I would never drink around him, come home drink or smelling like alcohol (he lives in a different state currently anyway) or even call him while I'm out at the bar. I feel there should be a middle, or am I being completely insensitive and wrong?? He says it's a slap in the face for me to be there while he's not allowed to go and is trying to stay sober. He says that if I go to the bar, it means I'm choosing the bar over him and our relationship. He says that he can't even handle knowing that I'm there and that I am taking for granted that he is trying to stay sober.

But the thing is, I'm the only one who ever confronted him about his drinking problem. He's stopped speaking to me for months and months at a time because of it. He would tell me he was afraid of commitment and later said it was because he didn't want to deal with the fact that I wanted him to quit drinking. Everyone in his life is mostly in denial about his problem. I always support him. I don't want him to end up like his father, I've said to him many times. I told him I wanted to attend Al-Anon meetings so I could help him and understand him. I always listen to him and encourage him and I think that generally I'm very sensitive to his alcoholism and his recent recovery efforts. He has gone a whole week without drinking and I am so proud of him. I tell him that.

But, he told me tonight, he can't handle me being at the bar ever. I was upset at first, but after yelling at me via text for more than two hours, I started to feel guilty. I don't love the bar or anything - I like it once and a while. If I had to choose between going to the bar or his sobriety I would choose his sobriety.

So that's my question. . . Am I jeopardizing his sobriety by drinking at a bar? Should I never go again? Is he right to ask me to never go again? I'd really love to hear your thoughts and opinions about this, and thank you in advance.

barb dwyer

hi Katy - welcome!

I'm not big on being told what to do.
By anyone.
I'm an alcoholic .. and we hate that.

So ...
I'm going to let others get on here who've had relationships ...
that succeeded.
LOL

Meanwhile - i suggest you read the stickys at the top of the 'Friends and Family' forums ... and maybe even post over on the "For WOmen Only forum." And read those stickies as well.

There's a TON of information here.

all the best!

Pilgrim

Hi Katy - Welcome from me too. I agree with Barb - there will be lots of advice for you on the friends and family forum.

I am an alcoholic and in early days, before we have all the tools we need, it's nice for a supportive partner to give it up for a while until recovery is stronger. He is not yet recovered and still has an alcoholic mind which is full of fear. That will be lifted if he is active in the programme and things should settle down.

Do you have a copy of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous? There are a couple of chapters in there for wives and families which might help answer your questions. Recovery is important for you as well - not from alcoholism - but from those guilt feelings you describe. You are not doing anything wrong. Enjoy your life and hang out with people here who understand. I hope this helps.

Best wishes to you both.

Steph

Rusty Zipper

katy, first off, welcome to SR...

katy, IMO... its his problem, and his recovery...

hopefully, BF might come to see that...

one should not put "conditions" on recovery... bottom line!

good wishes katy...

love

rust

serenityqueen

I'm brand new to this site too. I'm a grateful recovery addict/alcoholic with a little over 2 years in my new life.It's obvious to me that you truly care about this man. The first thing that jumped out is that you seem to be completely overwhelmed. Also, you've mentioned several times about going to meetings. Have you went? In my opinion, that's a great idea. There's a great deal of comfort when one walks into a room full of others who are in the same boat as yourself.When I went to my first meetings, I was amazed that others were having the same thoughts, feelings, hopes, fears, wishes, ect. I thought I was the only one! Don't just talk about going, go!

Missymae737

Katy,

Welcome to SR...

I believe in ALL areas of life, our mate should not try to change us in any shape or form.

It simply just won't work...

internalpeace23

Hi my name is John and I'm also new here.

I think you should initially avoid the bar scene. I know that I am trying to stay sober and one my complaints is that my significant other wants to go out bar hopping and it brings back memories and thoughts of contemplation. Whether you believe that alcoholism is a genetic disease that remains dormant and only becomes active when the person introduces it into there life, or a learned behavior that could become an illness in any mind or body, I think it is fair to say in either instance that the voices in an alcoholic mind are louder and more frequent in the beginning steps of recovery in reference to contemplating relapse. Now I don't mind if she goes on her own once in a while, but I would rather not really know about it. And remember if your in the mood to drink and your at a bar and it's a Friday or Saturday night, I believe the alcoholic may feel alone and its during those times where he thinks to relapse, especially knowing what your out there doing! I think you should as his girlfriend, show him that bar hopping is not a priority to you for a little while, especially since I assume you possibly may want to get married at some point. The bars will always be there but if his disease progresses he might not be. Just my opinion!

SaTiT

all i can say is, i had a heck of a time trying to stopped drinking.
and i had a hell of a time trying to stopped my gf from drinking.

obviosly , you know that you couldn't stopped him from drinking
no matter how you tried.
maybe he'll figure that one out too , one of these days.
it's a jealousy issue all the way around. So lets just stop beating
around the bush.

alcohol was controling his life.
He was or is trying to controling your life.

It's not odd for me to hear that you BF don't talk to you for months and
months at a time becuase he went on a run to la la la land...and
chose alcohol over you.

now that his trying to make it back...he deems life and everyone is
un fair to him...my gf dose that too...tipical alki move or behaviors

Please take care of yourself.
i can't determind if you have a drinking problem...only you can decide that for yourself.

i can't determind if you're co-dependent..only you can decide that for yourself.

i can relate to you in many ways, thou.
I was co-dependent long before i've ever met my gf.

bad news first...
Let me put it this way...you're not in a healthy relationhip if your partner
don't talk to you and blow you off for months and months.

good news...
you're not married and there's no children involved at the moment.

SaTiT

since his father died from alcoholism..that puts him in the realm
of being an ACOA.

Acoa will abuse drugs and alcohol themselves. acoa are also co-dependent
becuase they grew up in an alcoholic home.
you can look in the acoa section to understand your bf better.

However it is best that you focus on yourself and try to understand yourself
of why you are so attractive to an alcoholic.

Jersey Nonny

Quote:

Am I jeopardizing his sobriety by drinking at a bar? Should I never go again? Is he right to ask me to never go again? I'd really love to hear your thoughts and opinions about this, and thank you in advance.

OK...I'm in recovery 27 years through AA. In my opinion...and, this is only my opinion. You are not responsible for his alcoholism, nor are your responsible for his recovery.

He has a disease called alcoholism. If he were a diabetic, would he insist that you stop eating sweets for the rest of his life?

He's wrong to try to control you...and, it will probably only get worse if you decide to get married...so, be prepared.

You can be supportive by attending Al-Anon, perhaps some open AA meetings with him, not drinking in his presence (if it's that upsetting to him), not having alcohol in your home (if you're sharing it with him). But, any decisions you make should not be made under duress.

I'm certainly not a relationship expert; but, perhaps some couples counseling might be a good idea.

Octoman

Hi Katy - and welcome to SR!
I am an alcoholic in early recovery. Only by recognising that I alone was responsible for the fact that I drank was I able to realize that I had the power to stop as well. I chose to drink so I could choose not to. With that thought in mind I am now over two months dry, something I would have dreamed impossible. I make no requests of my wife and friends other than they dont act in a way that will encourage me to drink. If she wants a drink with her friends good for her. I'm the one with the problem, she isnt. I am done hurting people and and trying to manipulate situations to meet my own ends - ultimately finding a way to give myself permission to drink.

Alcoholics always look for an excuse to drink. Often anger. He may be saying that your going out challenges recover but what he is really doing is giving himself a reason to be angry. Because when he is angry he can give himself permission to drink.

You stop going out he will look for other reasons to be angry (or sad or lonely or scared or whatever his trigger emotion(s) happen to be). You have to get on and live your life and look after YOU and let him see that HE is the reason he drinks and it is only HIM that gives the permission for him to pick up. As long as he continues to blame others for his drinking he will always find an excuse to do so.

As alcoholics, once we realise that only WE are responsible for a drinking it becomes possible to give ourselves permission not to. It sounds to me that he doesnt understand that yet.

Oct

Tazman53

I will simply say a big AMEN to what Jersey said.

I have been sober over a year thanks to AA, I have no problem today with people drinking around me, heck there is even booze in my house, but in early recovery booze in my house was a no-no, me going to a bar was a BIG NO-NO!!!!

What my wife did in regards to drinking when I was not there had absolutely no effect on my sobriety, she does not have a drinking problem..... I DO!!!!!

parentrecovers

nice to meet you katydid -

alanon meetings are a good choice. your recovery is important as well.

blessings, k

bval

And I give a big AMEN to what Octoman said. Good insight, there man, after two months, lemme tell you - you're really getting it. Proud of you mate.

I am personally very much in the position of your bf myself. My gf lives a state away (AZ) and she basically moved (back home where the family is) because my recovery wasn't moving fast enough for her (or rather, really, not much at all at that time). She isn't an alcoholic, but she likes to drink a bit, likes go out with her friends to bars, etc. I might add, she's considerably younger than me.

That being said, it would be very easy for me to get caught up in trying to control her, tell her what she can and cannot do, try to manipulate her to ease my own insecurities. That is, in fact, something I did at times when I was using, I'm ashamed to admit it, but it's true.

But I started attending AA on day 3 of recovery from a 4 year massive painkiller bender (wow did I feel horrible) and went in with an open mind, read a ton of material, and really set out to actively understand what was going on with me and what I needed to change about my thinking in order to recover. One of those things was to realize that temptations and justifications would ALWAYS be there, and that the ONLY way to fight them was to develop proper defenses of my own.

Enough about me ... I think your BF is very much acting in a NORMAL, dare I say, the EXPECTED way ... for someone in his position. That doesn't necessarily make him 'right', but it is normal. I did the same thing for a little bit there until I caught a clue.

My best advice to you is to consider how much you care about him and want things to work out. You are probably going to have to lay off the bar scene for a bit until he gets stronger if you want things to go smoothly. On paper, okay, I wouldn't say it's exactly 'fair' of him to demand it, but you gotta weigh your priorities. Surely you can see why it would kinda suck for him to have to deal with your going out drinking without him after only a week, living in a different state, not seeing each other that much, etc. He's feeling VERY insecure right now, I'm sure, not just about you two but about life in general, and he expects that if you REALLY loved him you'd not make it so hard on him, and takes your unwillingness to NOT go out bar-hopping as some sort of indicator that you aren't really committed to the relationship.

As an aside, it's easy for us bonehead guys to make the assumption that the only reason a girl goes out to bars is to flirt and carry on with guys. That's because ... well ... that's why most of us GUYS go out to bars, to carry on with girls, so ... be that as it may.

Anyways, that being said, in light of the totality of the situation, presuming you AREN'T going out to meet other guys and are faithful, I could see some justification for you just kinda 'not telling him the exact truth' and doing it in good conscience. But you didn't hear it from ME

If I were you, I would strongly encourage him to attend AA and get a sponsor and work the steps, cause on his own, he's not likely to ever gain the wisdom and peace of mind he's going to need to be able to cope with having a gf/wife who still goes out and drinks occasionally without him without his going nuts over it.

Just 'not picking up' is a FAR CRY from actual recovery. And he won't get over your still being able to drink until he takes recovery (not just 'staying sober') seriously and to heart. You won't be happy in a relationship with what we call a 'dry drunk', I can almost guarantee that. A truly recovering person, though, is generally pretty cool to be around

Hopefully, you can see where I'm going with this. Tell him you won't go to bars for awhile if he'll go to ... hmmm, I'd say 4 a week is fair ... AA meetings for awhile. Let us know how it goes