How stupid am i................yet again!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Merseyside,UK
Posts: 109
How stupid am i................yet again!
Stupidly since i was last on here about a month ago,ive chosen to believe things would get better with my ABF....................yeah right!
After being taken to court for breach of the paece after my last post he Flipped out again whilst drunk last weekend, threw things at me and shouted so much abuse at me just cos i wouldnt give him money to go out. The neighbours rang the police cos they heard it all going on and they arrested him. Thanks to my statement,which he was mortified id written against him, he got a £100 fine. Next time it will be a sentance.
He has spent the last few days feeling very stupid and angry about what happened and yet again apologised for everything but yesterday he came home with 4 cans of cider! GREAT STUFF!
When i challenged him over it he said it was just 4 in the house and hes definately gonna stick to once a week drinks from now on.
So i come home from work tonight to find him not here and a note to say hes gone to a pub to see his cousin who he NEVER sees or drinks with,like EVER! But all of a sudden he is going to see her but wont be late cos he has work at 10am tomorrow...........its now 12.40am and hes not home. I also just found another 3 cans of cider in the fridge............how many he bought in the first place i dont know.
Im just so sick of me letting him get away with it and telling him things will be ok when i know they wont. Hes just not gonna change is he?? i dont want to leave cos he parents really are not supportive they 'dont want any trouble' but are quite happy for me to have plenty of trouble and abuse as long as they are all happy and doing what they want.
GGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! I WISH I WASNT SO BLOODY WEAK!
After being taken to court for breach of the paece after my last post he Flipped out again whilst drunk last weekend, threw things at me and shouted so much abuse at me just cos i wouldnt give him money to go out. The neighbours rang the police cos they heard it all going on and they arrested him. Thanks to my statement,which he was mortified id written against him, he got a £100 fine. Next time it will be a sentance.
He has spent the last few days feeling very stupid and angry about what happened and yet again apologised for everything but yesterday he came home with 4 cans of cider! GREAT STUFF!
When i challenged him over it he said it was just 4 in the house and hes definately gonna stick to once a week drinks from now on.
So i come home from work tonight to find him not here and a note to say hes gone to a pub to see his cousin who he NEVER sees or drinks with,like EVER! But all of a sudden he is going to see her but wont be late cos he has work at 10am tomorrow...........its now 12.40am and hes not home. I also just found another 3 cans of cider in the fridge............how many he bought in the first place i dont know.
Im just so sick of me letting him get away with it and telling him things will be ok when i know they wont. Hes just not gonna change is he?? i dont want to leave cos he parents really are not supportive they 'dont want any trouble' but are quite happy for me to have plenty of trouble and abuse as long as they are all happy and doing what they want.
GGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! I WISH I WASNT SO BLOODY WEAK!
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by sam79 
i dont want to leave cos he parents really are not supportive they 'dont want any trouble' but are quite happy for me to have plenty of trouble and abuse as long as they are all happy and doing what they want.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 104
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I myself have lived through all of the same things you have for years. I've lost countless hours of sleep, been crushed by horrible lies, broken promises, a terrible cycle that never stops.
There's one thing I can tell you for certain. It will never change unless he wants it to, and that is still not a guarantee. There is nothing you can do about it. You did not create this situation, so how can you possibly fix it?? It took me a long time to figure that out.
What I am struggling with now is how to take care of me. It has been so long that I actually feel guilty about it.
Keep posting here. These wonderful people at SR have been a godsend to me
There's one thing I can tell you for certain. It will never change unless he wants it to, and that is still not a guarantee. There is nothing you can do about it. You did not create this situation, so how can you possibly fix it?? It took me a long time to figure that out.
What I am struggling with now is how to take care of me. It has been so long that I actually feel guilty about it.
Keep posting here. These wonderful people at SR have been a godsend to me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Merseyside,UK
Posts: 109
From this statement, I'm assuming you wish to stay in order to spare his parents "trouble." They're happy with trouble and abuse being heaped on you. So how is this working for you? You don't want to leave. Why not?
__________________
I get really annoyed with them to be honest. I ask them to get involved and they just dont bother. If they do, its a quick chat when hes drunk from his mum and home as quick as they can 'cos theres no point'. The final straw was last weekend when i asked his mum to come down the day he got back from court to make sure he was ok. She came down and cos he didnt answer the door to her straight away i got a text message saying 'really am fed up of all this'! Oh how i laughed...........she has no idea!
Then later, when i realised he had gone back out again prob to the pub, she text me to say hed been texting his dad but didnt know what about 'but dont tell him i told you,i dont want any trouble down here'
So its ok for me to get verbal abuse and have things thrown at me and the police fill out domestic violence forms but as long as you dont get any trouble...........oh i am sorry.
__________________
I get really annoyed with them to be honest. I ask them to get involved and they just dont bother. If they do, its a quick chat when hes drunk from his mum and home as quick as they can 'cos theres no point'. The final straw was last weekend when i asked his mum to come down the day he got back from court to make sure he was ok. She came down and cos he didnt answer the door to her straight away i got a text message saying 'really am fed up of all this'! Oh how i laughed...........she has no idea!
Then later, when i realised he had gone back out again prob to the pub, she text me to say hed been texting his dad but didnt know what about 'but dont tell him i told you,i dont want any trouble down here'
So its ok for me to get verbal abuse and have things thrown at me and the police fill out domestic violence forms but as long as you dont get any trouble...........oh i am sorry.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Sam79,
I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. And no, you're actions were not stupid. So many of us go back and forth on this very same issue. We 'get it' when we are ready to. Each next chance we give, no matter how frustrating it might be, brings us that much closer to seeing the truth of our situation and finding the answers that will bring us peace.
I would just like to bring something to your attention. The first couple signs of abuse my 'now ex' demonstrated was throwing things, then, verbal abuse. Like alcoholism, the abuse was also progressive. It became MUCH worse as time went on. It might be a good idea for your to read the abuse sticky folder at the top of the forum. Becoming aware of how this can progress, and more importantly, what you can begin doing to protect yourself is my opinion, very important information for you to have.
I too tried to get my ex's dad involved. He was very helpful in providing background information with respect to both his alcholism, and his abuse to other women previously in his son's life. He had attended family Alanon related meetings when his son was in a 28-day program, encouraged him to keep up with his AA meetings upon release, etc. But eventually, my ex began drinking again. His dad told me his son got so bad that he refused to even see him any more where my ex lived with his 'then wife' because between the two of them drinking, it was just not something he was willing to witness or be a part of. That was a decision he had made for himself years before I came into the picture. So his dad knew EXACTLy, well, some of the stuff I was going through anyway. But, now here's the thing, he always told me that I should leave him! I thought to myself, what kind of dad would tell the girlfriend of his son to leave him? It was in hindsight that I realized it was a VERY SMART dad, that's who.
But before I came to that realization, I was angered that his dad wasn't 'more involved' in his son's life. Look at me, a codie trying to make a codie out of someone else, LOL! His dad was absoultely right in pulling back and not wanting to be more involved with his son while he pursued his graduate studies in his drinking career.
I don't know what their relationship is like today, for my ex has been out of my life for awhile now.
All I know is it was up to 'little ole me' to do what I needed to do for myself. My story dictated that I needed to leave him. His dad was absolutely right!!!
This quote from his mom is very telling....
I have to wonder just what kind of trouble is she referring to? Sounds like she's a little afraid to me. I think she's been as supportive as she possibly can. I know you think it 's not enough, or, what you are looking for, but she has a right to limit her involvement with her son. He is an adult, right? Maybe she's showing you what to do by 'leading by example'!?!?
You have a lot to ponder with respect to your situation and I know it's not easy...it's hell at best!
You can't change him, or them, so, who does that leave????? ;=)
Keep coming back!
I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. And no, you're actions were not stupid. So many of us go back and forth on this very same issue. We 'get it' when we are ready to. Each next chance we give, no matter how frustrating it might be, brings us that much closer to seeing the truth of our situation and finding the answers that will bring us peace.
I would just like to bring something to your attention. The first couple signs of abuse my 'now ex' demonstrated was throwing things, then, verbal abuse. Like alcoholism, the abuse was also progressive. It became MUCH worse as time went on. It might be a good idea for your to read the abuse sticky folder at the top of the forum. Becoming aware of how this can progress, and more importantly, what you can begin doing to protect yourself is my opinion, very important information for you to have.
I too tried to get my ex's dad involved. He was very helpful in providing background information with respect to both his alcholism, and his abuse to other women previously in his son's life. He had attended family Alanon related meetings when his son was in a 28-day program, encouraged him to keep up with his AA meetings upon release, etc. But eventually, my ex began drinking again. His dad told me his son got so bad that he refused to even see him any more where my ex lived with his 'then wife' because between the two of them drinking, it was just not something he was willing to witness or be a part of. That was a decision he had made for himself years before I came into the picture. So his dad knew EXACTLy, well, some of the stuff I was going through anyway. But, now here's the thing, he always told me that I should leave him! I thought to myself, what kind of dad would tell the girlfriend of his son to leave him? It was in hindsight that I realized it was a VERY SMART dad, that's who.
But before I came to that realization, I was angered that his dad wasn't 'more involved' in his son's life. Look at me, a codie trying to make a codie out of someone else, LOL! His dad was absoultely right in pulling back and not wanting to be more involved with his son while he pursued his graduate studies in his drinking career.
I don't know what their relationship is like today, for my ex has been out of my life for awhile now.
All I know is it was up to 'little ole me' to do what I needed to do for myself. My story dictated that I needed to leave him. His dad was absolutely right!!!
This quote from his mom is very telling....
'but dont tell him i told you,i dont want any trouble down here'
You have a lot to ponder with respect to your situation and I know it's not easy...it's hell at best!
You can't change him, or them, so, who does that leave????? ;=)
Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Managua, Nicaragua
Posts: 135
I am new here, and can't help much. What has been helping me is reading and rereading the post about What Addicts Do found in the stickies of the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers forum.
Susan
Susan
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Merseyside,UK
Posts: 109
Thanks for all your replies. I just dont know what i want to do right now,its just too hard to think about, all i know is i feel like hes laughing at me everytime he goes out and repeatedly gets drunk when he tells me he won't. Like he some how finds it so funny that im hurt by what hes doing. He has actually laughed in my face when ive asked him about it.(when plastered)
All i want is support, i feel alone in my own little hell and i dont know how to escape it or if i can.
I know its quite impossible to love an alcoholic but i do. Its not like i can help it, somewere under there my b/f is hiding. He always says in his sober times that he doesnt choose to be this way but if thats true why carry on.
He has a 1st appointment on 23rd October with his Alcohol Support Worker. Unfortunately i'll be thousends of miles away in LA on my hols so i wont be around. Just hoping he actually goes and it will make a difference having regular contact with someone. Anyone had any experience with this kind of thing. iI dont relly know what they do.
All i want is support, i feel alone in my own little hell and i dont know how to escape it or if i can.
I know its quite impossible to love an alcoholic but i do. Its not like i can help it, somewere under there my b/f is hiding. He always says in his sober times that he doesnt choose to be this way but if thats true why carry on.
He has a 1st appointment on 23rd October with his Alcohol Support Worker. Unfortunately i'll be thousends of miles away in LA on my hols so i wont be around. Just hoping he actually goes and it will make a difference having regular contact with someone. Anyone had any experience with this kind of thing. iI dont relly know what they do.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by sam79
Unfortunately i'll be thousends of miles away in LA on my hols so i wont be around.
Take care of you and everything else will follow.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by sam79
Thanks for all your replies. I just dont know what i want to do right now,its just too hard to think about, all i know is i feel like hes laughing at me everytime he goes out and repeatedly gets drunk when he tells me he won't. Like he some how finds it so funny that im hurt by what hes doing. He has actually laughed in my face when ive asked him about it.(when plastered)
I have also had experience trying to share my feelings with my A when he's been drunk. Took me a very long time to figure out it was a big waste of my time. They will do or say anything to just shut us up. They are cunning, they know exactly what buttons to push.
Please take care of you. I truly hope you find the peace you're looking for.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Merseyside,UK
Posts: 109
Right now i am typing this crying my eyes out. Hes just arrived back from work still with the effects of drinking 3 cans of cider before he went at 10am this morning.
I took £90 and his cash card off him last night so i could put it back in the bank before he spends it all. And hes just walked in demanding it all back, i did resist at first but whats the point,it just winds him up even more. So he now walked out leaving me in this state to 'pay his friend the money he owes her' in other words 'im going to get hammered see you later for some more drunken abuse' and possibly another visit from the police.
Its not fair that he spends all this money, he is in his over draught up to his limit and as soon as he gets paid...........ohh i have money, good excuse to get drunk for a few days til its all gone again! I pay bills for this house aswell as him and i dont see why i should suffer finacially just so he can do this.
Im pouring this out to you all because i have no friends and i means NO friends Im so isolated its killing me and what i dont understand is everyone talks to my b/f he has loads of people who talk to him via the internet and stuff but who do i have???
Im so lonely and i need help...................
I took £90 and his cash card off him last night so i could put it back in the bank before he spends it all. And hes just walked in demanding it all back, i did resist at first but whats the point,it just winds him up even more. So he now walked out leaving me in this state to 'pay his friend the money he owes her' in other words 'im going to get hammered see you later for some more drunken abuse' and possibly another visit from the police.
Its not fair that he spends all this money, he is in his over draught up to his limit and as soon as he gets paid...........ohh i have money, good excuse to get drunk for a few days til its all gone again! I pay bills for this house aswell as him and i dont see why i should suffer finacially just so he can do this.
Im pouring this out to you all because i have no friends and i means NO friends Im so isolated its killing me and what i dont understand is everyone talks to my b/f he has loads of people who talk to him via the internet and stuff but who do i have???
Im so lonely and i need help...................
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by sam79
and i dont see why i should suffer finacially just so he can do this.
Have you tried Al-Anon or counseling?
Here is the link with 12 locations for Merseyside:
http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/groupsAndMeetings.asp
Friends guaranteed.
Good luck!
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Well you have two choices here.
Leave or stay in the mess you are in.
It’s pretty simple.
As far as his parents go, big deal.
They are adults and so is he, they will get along.
Things don’t change unless you change them.
He is happy with his life, so he will not make a move, you have to,
Leave or stay in the mess you are in.
It’s pretty simple.
As far as his parents go, big deal.
They are adults and so is he, they will get along.
Things don’t change unless you change them.
He is happy with his life, so he will not make a move, you have to,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Merseyside,UK
Posts: 109
You make it sound so simple.
I have NO-ONE!
Do you not understand how hard this is for me??????
I am so broken and i dont know what to do.
You are very straight to the point with your opinions but i am not strong enough to be that way and be able to cope with all this.
My B/F wasnt an alcoholic when i met him 7yrs ago. Its only happened over the past 2yrs and all this is very hard for me because i still remember the person who i fell in love with and i know he isnt that person anymore but i cant change the way i feel.
This whole situation SCARES THE CRAP out of me!
I have NO-ONE!
Do you not understand how hard this is for me??????
I am so broken and i dont know what to do.
You are very straight to the point with your opinions but i am not strong enough to be that way and be able to cope with all this.
My B/F wasnt an alcoholic when i met him 7yrs ago. Its only happened over the past 2yrs and all this is very hard for me because i still remember the person who i fell in love with and i know he isnt that person anymore but i cant change the way i feel.
This whole situation SCARES THE CRAP out of me!
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
When I was left alone here myself with NO ONE also it was hard to deal with.
My Mom who is an a alcoholic herself was no help.
I was alone also, no job, no family to speak of and I was in a sinking ship.
Yes I felt the way you do.
It's a bitter pill to swallow knowing that the peron you once knew, has changed.
But I made it. I went to meetings, work on myself and found work.
It can be done, it’s done every day all the time.
You can make that move, you just need to start.
My Mom who is an a alcoholic herself was no help.
I was alone also, no job, no family to speak of and I was in a sinking ship.
Yes I felt the way you do.
It's a bitter pill to swallow knowing that the peron you once knew, has changed.
But I made it. I went to meetings, work on myself and found work.
It can be done, it’s done every day all the time.
You can make that move, you just need to start.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Sam,
You just need to decide what it is you want to do. That doesn't take strength, or friends, or family, or even money. All it takes is a pencil and paper and some quiet time away from your BF.
I believe that you love him. We all love our alcoholic loved ones...that's why we're here. But loving him doesn't mean you have to LIVE with him. You can love him and see him and support him from somewhere else, somewhere less dangerous.
To get somewhere less dangerous, you need to write down your options. Sharing a flat with someone else, someone you find in the paper. Finding a flat of your own. Going home for a while. Staying in LA. Whatever.
Don't have money to do any of the above? (doesn't sound like that's the case, since you're taking good hols, but that's a common thing) Save it, bit by bit. Get a different job that earns more. For heaven's sake, get your own bank accounts with your own money and let him blow HIS if he wants to, but protect your own. Joint bank accounts with an alcoholic are a really bad mistake.
You don't have to do anything rash, or anything all at once. Just sit down and write down some options. The way people around here have gotten better lives is by taking a series of tiny little steps.
You can't change him. You can't make him stop drinking. Put that out of your head. That is NOT among the possibilities available to you. He has to want that, or it will never happen, and it sounds like he doesn't want it yet.
But you can save yourself, before you get yourself injured or killed by this guy.
Small steps. And you can keep loving him if you want to...but protect yourself first. You are not an appendage, something that's only got value if you're stuck to him. You have your own life, your own happiness, your own future to look out for FIRST. Just like that old thing on the airplane where you put on your own oxygen mask before you help someone else put on theirs, you've got to start shifting your focus to yourself before you can think of helping him.
It's scary and hard, but no scarier or harder than what you're currently going through. It's different, not worse.
(His parents, by the way, you should just ignore. They are not helpful to you, so stop wasting brain space on them. Those "shoulds" about how they should act? they won't help your BF and they won't help you.)
Keep checking in here. There are a lot of good people here who want to help in their own way.
You just need to decide what it is you want to do. That doesn't take strength, or friends, or family, or even money. All it takes is a pencil and paper and some quiet time away from your BF.
I believe that you love him. We all love our alcoholic loved ones...that's why we're here. But loving him doesn't mean you have to LIVE with him. You can love him and see him and support him from somewhere else, somewhere less dangerous.
To get somewhere less dangerous, you need to write down your options. Sharing a flat with someone else, someone you find in the paper. Finding a flat of your own. Going home for a while. Staying in LA. Whatever.
Don't have money to do any of the above? (doesn't sound like that's the case, since you're taking good hols, but that's a common thing) Save it, bit by bit. Get a different job that earns more. For heaven's sake, get your own bank accounts with your own money and let him blow HIS if he wants to, but protect your own. Joint bank accounts with an alcoholic are a really bad mistake.
You don't have to do anything rash, or anything all at once. Just sit down and write down some options. The way people around here have gotten better lives is by taking a series of tiny little steps.
You can't change him. You can't make him stop drinking. Put that out of your head. That is NOT among the possibilities available to you. He has to want that, or it will never happen, and it sounds like he doesn't want it yet.
But you can save yourself, before you get yourself injured or killed by this guy.
Small steps. And you can keep loving him if you want to...but protect yourself first. You are not an appendage, something that's only got value if you're stuck to him. You have your own life, your own happiness, your own future to look out for FIRST. Just like that old thing on the airplane where you put on your own oxygen mask before you help someone else put on theirs, you've got to start shifting your focus to yourself before you can think of helping him.
It's scary and hard, but no scarier or harder than what you're currently going through. It's different, not worse.
(His parents, by the way, you should just ignore. They are not helpful to you, so stop wasting brain space on them. Those "shoulds" about how they should act? they won't help your BF and they won't help you.)
Keep checking in here. There are a lot of good people here who want to help in their own way.
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