My First Time Sharing
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Managua, Nicaragua
Posts: 135
My First Time Sharing
Hi everyone,
First off, thanks for posting. Reading the posts here has already helped me so much. It has helped me enough, that I have decided to share my story too. I am an adult child of an alcoholic father and my boyfriend is also an alcoholic, we have a 4 month old daughter together. My experiences living with my abf were ugly. He binge drinks and then “quits” and then starts again. He drinks until he drops, often using my money either given to him by me or just taken from me. He has taken my car on many occasions and not returned for 24, 36 or 72 hours. He lives in another country, that is where we met and that is where he still is today. I left him shortly after my daughter was born, now I am living with my parents again. I left him because I couldn’t take the drinking, lying, cheating and stealing and because I wanted to spend the time with my daughter without having to work, which is a luxury my parents have given me. I have always planned to go back to work next year and would like to be able to return to his country and work and live there. I would like him to be a part of my daughter’s life and I have to admit I secretly fantasize about him being back in my life. I was not good at setting boundaries when we lived together, this is something that I am just learning about now. Right now, he is in rehab. He was clean for about 40 days and then relapsed. I thought I had it all figured out in my head. I thought I would go back and I guess I “planned” on his recovery. Now that I have had my eyes opened again. I am not sure what to do. I am thinking of going for a visit to see how I feel there, to see if I could imagine living there with my daughter without him, but now I just don’t know if it is even worth it. I love him, I want to save him, I admit it. I wish I could go through it all for him. I am realizing more and more how much I really can’t and how much I have been enabling and codependent through out it all. What strikes me though, is that his relapsing seems to have provoked an increasing level of depression in me. I feel like I am sinking and have lost my spark of life. He is the one who relapsed, why do I feel like this? Thanks for letting me share.
Susan
First off, thanks for posting. Reading the posts here has already helped me so much. It has helped me enough, that I have decided to share my story too. I am an adult child of an alcoholic father and my boyfriend is also an alcoholic, we have a 4 month old daughter together. My experiences living with my abf were ugly. He binge drinks and then “quits” and then starts again. He drinks until he drops, often using my money either given to him by me or just taken from me. He has taken my car on many occasions and not returned for 24, 36 or 72 hours. He lives in another country, that is where we met and that is where he still is today. I left him shortly after my daughter was born, now I am living with my parents again. I left him because I couldn’t take the drinking, lying, cheating and stealing and because I wanted to spend the time with my daughter without having to work, which is a luxury my parents have given me. I have always planned to go back to work next year and would like to be able to return to his country and work and live there. I would like him to be a part of my daughter’s life and I have to admit I secretly fantasize about him being back in my life. I was not good at setting boundaries when we lived together, this is something that I am just learning about now. Right now, he is in rehab. He was clean for about 40 days and then relapsed. I thought I had it all figured out in my head. I thought I would go back and I guess I “planned” on his recovery. Now that I have had my eyes opened again. I am not sure what to do. I am thinking of going for a visit to see how I feel there, to see if I could imagine living there with my daughter without him, but now I just don’t know if it is even worth it. I love him, I want to save him, I admit it. I wish I could go through it all for him. I am realizing more and more how much I really can’t and how much I have been enabling and codependent through out it all. What strikes me though, is that his relapsing seems to have provoked an increasing level of depression in me. I feel like I am sinking and have lost my spark of life. He is the one who relapsed, why do I feel like this? Thanks for letting me share.
Susan
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 126
Hello, welcome, and thanks for sharing!
I am also an adult child, and (up until this week) had an AH boyfriend who keeps relapsing... I can definitely relate!
"What strikes me though, is that his relapsing seems to have provoked an
increasing level of depression in me. I feel like I am sinking and have lost my spark of life. He is the one who relapsed, why do I feel like this?"
In my experience, this is a part of our codependency....we get very wrapped up in the lives of our AH & we often rely on them to make us feel happy, and further we become depressed when they are depressed. It's like we are so concerned with how they feel-- because we let it determine how we feel--and we lose ourselves in the whole mess....
So, maybe you feel this way because of codependency?.... when he isn't happy (i.e., relapsing) then you aren't happy...
If you think this might be true for you, maybe just try to detach yourself from his feelings...and focus on you....and what you can do to make yourself happy (I know its easier said than done)
Well, I hope this helps a little!
Hugs to you
and thanks again for sharing!
~Stephanie
I am also an adult child, and (up until this week) had an AH boyfriend who keeps relapsing... I can definitely relate!
"What strikes me though, is that his relapsing seems to have provoked an
increasing level of depression in me. I feel like I am sinking and have lost my spark of life. He is the one who relapsed, why do I feel like this?"
In my experience, this is a part of our codependency....we get very wrapped up in the lives of our AH & we often rely on them to make us feel happy, and further we become depressed when they are depressed. It's like we are so concerned with how they feel-- because we let it determine how we feel--and we lose ourselves in the whole mess....
So, maybe you feel this way because of codependency?.... when he isn't happy (i.e., relapsing) then you aren't happy...
If you think this might be true for you, maybe just try to detach yourself from his feelings...and focus on you....and what you can do to make yourself happy (I know its easier said than done)
Well, I hope this helps a little!
Hugs to you
and thanks again for sharing! ~Stephanie
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
I love him, I want to save him, I admit it. I wish I could go through it all for him. I am realizing more and more how much I really can’t and how much I have been enabling and codependent through out it all. What strikes me though, is that his relapsing seems to have provoked an increasing level of depression in me. I feel like I am sinking and have lost my spark of life. He is the one who relapsed, why do I feel like this? Thanks for letting me share.
Susan
Susan
When we focus on others pain and not our own it is can be a reflection of our own pain-the spark you have lost could be that of your own. It is ok to love but, not ok to get wrapped up into someone elses problems and choices.
It sounds as if you made the greatest choice you could for you and your daughter and that is wonderful. Now instead of focusing your energy on him try to place all that focus onto yourself and find out what it is that you need in your life to make you happy. Focus on that little one too.
Did you ever think of going to Al-Anon or talking to a counselor? I know when I was first told that I was like NO WAY! Giving it a try when you are ready to may just help you a bit more, look at it this way you came to SR so your seeking some sort of help....why not take it a step further?
Sending you prayers to you and your daughter and know that you are not alone!
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
hello. My AH was also a binge drinker. This went on for years. Then he started drinking all the time, morning, noon and night for several years. Then was in a terrible, almost tragic car accident. Then the narcotics along with the alcohol began. So now not only was he an alcoholic, he was a drug addict. He was in about 7 rehabs. I finally let totally go, kicked him out, stopped associating with him. This is a very smart, intellectual man. He ended up in jail. A 30-day cement detox is what eventually helped him to sober up. Do you want to go through this for 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, 15 years, or the rest of your life?
Most addicts do not recover. I feel blessed every day that my AH has hit the two year mark, but I will never forget the living hell I put myself in. If you choose to stay with him, YOU will have to make yourself happy. An active addict is not capable of fulfilling anyone elses needs. So think long and hard before you make this decision.
Peace and contentment to you!
Most addicts do not recover. I feel blessed every day that my AH has hit the two year mark, but I will never forget the living hell I put myself in. If you choose to stay with him, YOU will have to make yourself happy. An active addict is not capable of fulfilling anyone elses needs. So think long and hard before you make this decision.
Peace and contentment to you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I would wait quite a while before considering moving anywhere or getting back with him. Let him show thru actions that he has really changed. Let him complete rehab and stay sincere in recovery for at least a year before you even consider moving closer to him or getting seriously involved again. You have a child who needs to be your first concern. If he wants to be involved in your child's life, he can make the necessary effort to come see her and get to know her.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Hello and welcome. Listen to the good advice of the others on this thread. We have been where you are......I'm going to share a little secret with you.....from one mother to another. I was married to my XAH for 22 years and I have children with this man. He left the kids and I - 8 times in the years that we were married....and every time I took him back for the kids....wrong move hunny....such a wrong move. The options I gave my kids from this behavior was this: My kids had 2 choices.....they would wind up like me and one day becoming the spouses of other alcoholics or become alcoholic themselves. Is this what you want for your little girl? Kids are what they are raised....show her the strength of a real woman and set boundaries and never ever break them. If that man wants to see his daughter let him prove it. To you as well as for her....but keep an arms length between him and the child and you. Please listen to me hunny.....you have a chance here that some of us never even knew we had back in the day...take care of you and yours. JMHO
Janitw
Janitw
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
