insight? validation vs. intimacy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
insight? validation vs. intimacy
I am thinking today about the fact that validation is not the same thing as intimacy.
I have had validation in my relationships with men, but very little intimacy.
What are your personal experiences and thoughts about this?
I have had validation in my relationships with men, but very little intimacy.
What are your personal experiences and thoughts about this?
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
Maybe if you eleaborate a little I could understand better what you are saying. I struggle with intimacy so I'm still working on that. I only let people in so far. I'm hoping the codependency books will help me with intimacy. By the way, I understand that most people have trouble with intimacy (related to me by two pyscotherapists).
I don't need much validation from others as I'm pretty good at finding it for myself. In this new alcoholic relationship, I needed validation from somewhere because abf kept telling me it was me who was messed up and I knew it wasn't but I had no where to go with it except around and around with him. When we went to our couples counsellor, I found out that I was right so in that respect I did need validation because I didn't know enough about the disease. I look here for validation with my abf so I don't get sucked into to his stinkin thinkin. Al-Anon also helps with that.
Jenny
I don't need much validation from others as I'm pretty good at finding it for myself. In this new alcoholic relationship, I needed validation from somewhere because abf kept telling me it was me who was messed up and I knew it wasn't but I had no where to go with it except around and around with him. When we went to our couples counsellor, I found out that I was right so in that respect I did need validation because I didn't know enough about the disease. I look here for validation with my abf so I don't get sucked into to his stinkin thinkin. Al-Anon also helps with that.
Jenny
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Well, I usually do a lot better with examples than concepts. 
But I'll give it a shot.
I think validation may be an ingredient in intimacy. Intimacy consists of many, many things. And sometimes different things at different times under different circumstances. I also think that no amount of outside validation with ever make a d@mn bit of difference if I cannot validate myself.
Is that the kind of thoughts you were looking for?
L
But I'll give it a shot.I think validation may be an ingredient in intimacy. Intimacy consists of many, many things. And sometimes different things at different times under different circumstances. I also think that no amount of outside validation with ever make a d@mn bit of difference if I cannot validate myself.
Is that the kind of thoughts you were looking for?
L
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
Yes, it is that kind of thought.
I just realize that I look for man to make me feel better about myself. I want someone who appears to me to be socially successful to think I am worth something.
I am toying with the idea/realization that that kind of "validation" is not the same thing as love. It is not the same thing as intimacy - sharing myself with others, like friends and family. Intimacy like being "present" and seen and appreciated, valued and loved.
It seems less clear as I write it, I just think that what I was looking for with a man was not love, but feeling better about myself, or validation.
I just realize that I look for man to make me feel better about myself. I want someone who appears to me to be socially successful to think I am worth something.
I am toying with the idea/realization that that kind of "validation" is not the same thing as love. It is not the same thing as intimacy - sharing myself with others, like friends and family. Intimacy like being "present" and seen and appreciated, valued and loved.
It seems less clear as I write it, I just think that what I was looking for with a man was not love, but feeling better about myself, or validation.
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