prairie

I can't believe I never saw it I feel like such an idiot. I feel so betrayed. My AAH had Monday off work and went on a binge again. He started so early in the morning, right after I went to work, that I didn't see it. He stayed home all day and cleaned which is not unheard off because he's a little OCD that way. But in the evening he was so tired...crashing. Things didn't seem right but I honestly thought he was just tired, the house was spotless. Then he didn't want to go to his AA mtg, he loves his Monday mtgs. So off I went to my Al-anon very frustrated with him. Last night he somes rushing in the door and hangs out with me all night. I thought I smelt alcohol when I kissed him but then I started thinking no your just being paronid again....relax let it go. I skipped my Nar-anon mtg last night. Which I shouldn't have but I did do some reading.

So it's 1am and we get a phone call. Off he runs out the door to "talk down" someone. Such a freekin hipocrite. GRRR! He comes home at 2:30am and crawls into bed. So when I get up in the morning I find $40 laying on the livingroom floor. I freaked out in my head, he was still in bed. He doesn't have any money and we're broke until payday because we're still paying for his last binge. So I got dressed and grabbed a coffee and get on the computer. Some how he got a cash advance on his credit card, I have the credit card locked up at work.

So I woke him up and asked him calmly to come downstairs because we need to talk. He wakes up but doesn't get out of bed. So I tell him about the money I found. I asked him if he used on monday and he said yes. I asked him if he was drinking yesterday and he said yes, but only 1 beer. IT DOESN'T MATTER!!! Turns out he's been drinking bits and who knows what else all along. I don't even think he made it through the airport after rehab without getting a drink. How could I be so blind.

I'm going to make an appointment with his addiction counsellor today and see if we can start getting him drug tested.

Sorry for the vent I just needed to get this out before I go to work.

Selah

You're not stupid. It's human nature, a kind nature to want to give him his freedom to choose and to believe in the best outcome for each day. Be proud of yourself for that.

Elana

You did not cause it. You cannot control it. I think you know the rest.

Don't worry about rehab for him or drug testing for him. He is using and he hasn't hit bottom and this is called relapse. It is his relapse. It is your well being.

Get his Credit canceled and get the finances out of his hands and into yours. Get the money away from him. Let him get credit and trouble from his dealer and keep your financial self safe. Prepare yourself for escalation of drug use and protect yourself on every possible level.

You are not stupid. You want to believe he is clean and life will be normal.

He is an addict. He is doing what addicts do. He will do what addicts do. Those three sentences were the hardest ones for me to believe... and believing them is the reason I no longer love my XABF. The feelings I have for him today are quite different from "love..."

havehope

I agree, you are not stupid. We want to believe our loved ones, want to think they actually mean what they say, we think this is their time to stay clean. We do this because we love them and care. But this is his disease. Guess it isn't his bottom yet. Protect yourself financially where you can. Work on your recovery and keep going to meetings.
Hugs
Terri

BigSis

Have you thought about what position this puts you in? Will you be in charge of the testing? Alcohol is out of the system in less than 8 hours... some drugs in 24 - 48 hours.

I finally had to stop being my daughter's doctor and jailer and warden and start being her mom. I decided that one day after I slept with her urine so it wouldn't "disappear" before I could buy the test kit.

Sigh.

What I had to put my boundaries around was behavior... because in the long run, it really didn't MATTER if she was using - it was the drug behavior (lying, hiding, raging, sleeping, not working, not cooperating) that I didn't like.

So it was the behaviors around which I set my boundaries.

I wouldn't want to live with a husband who leaves in the middle of the night. I wouldn't want to live with someone who sleeps all day, or who misses work or school.

You might sit down and make a list of how you want to LIVE... and draw your boundaries from that.

Glad you are going to meetings - I had to double and triple up on mine during the tough times.


I wish you well.

((hugs))

prairie

Thanks everyone. I'm working hard on the boundaries and letting go. It's so very hard.

The addiction counseller is through work. We work for the same organization just in different areas. We sign an aggrement to be drug free and they will start testing with justification. I told him I was going today this morning.

I've done my best to keep my finances out of his hands the last couple of weeks. I think I'm going to take steps to seperate them even further.

Maybe losing his job will be the "bottom" he needs. I just feel so bad about it coming to this.

prairie

Just an update. My foot hurts now. I kicked a box a work a couple of times to get out some anger/frustration. It didn't solve anything but it made me feel better.

I was to the Addiction Counsellor at lunch. I realized that I was looking for him to give me answers so I could fix this. I'm starting to think I'm crazier than my AAH, just call me crazy codie okay. He gave me a bunch of things to think about. Mostly about how long I want this to go on and how much of my energy I'm giving over to my AAH. I'm going to give my AAH access to the money he makes on the advice of the counsellor. We'll go back to seperate accounts and he can pay his bills and I will pay mine. I'll get him to set up a pre payment thing so that money goes into my account for the morgage. I guess then I save and save some more. I can already see them coming to repo the truck and the quads with this situation. Thankfully they are in his name only. Letting him fall...

We (the counsellor and I) figure that he will hit bottom this way and end up in trouble at work all on his own very soon. I don't think he really hit it when he went to rehab before. We also mentioned a safe plan but we started talking about other stuff and didn't go back to it. Does anyone know what that means? The counsellor also mentioned that dealers may start showing up looking for him eventually. SCAREY!!

I'm really just so very tired right now. My AAH was drinking again and so now he's lying in bed watching TV. I don't have the energy for a confrontation right now and if I try to go to sleep I'm sure that's what will happen.

mooselips

prairie,
Oh I hope your little foot feels better.

The part about the confrontation flew out at me....I've been there, the arguing, pleading, asking, sometimes even begging, all for nothing. Just made me feel worse in the long run cause nothing was solved. Just a big circle round and round.

Here's an idea, give yourself some space.....do something ONLY for you, even if it means reading a favorite magazine, or a nice walk....

I've done the same as you, believing and hoping for the best, only to be shot down....today, put YOU first....

You are powerless, as am I.

Hugs to you, sweetie....

Elana

Your Counselor is a wise person.

You think about every thing and think about boundaries you can stick to as well.

Loving someone does not require, nor should it ever require, self destruction. Take care of you. Give less of your energy and anger over to him and his addiction.