its not fair
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Edmonton, AB, Canada
Posts: 14
its not fair
Hello all, i've been lurking for a long time, posted a long time back,but feel the need to do it again.
My boyfriend of almost 10mths is an alcoholic and it appears, newly addicted to crack. When I met him, he was clean and sober for 3 months, and stayed that way for another 6. The rest of our time together has pretty hellish. Out of the last 6 mths, he has spent 2 of them sober. It was wonderful having that man I fell in love with back. I've been learning a lot about this disease, and about him and i think it pisses him off. I am learning to let go, very very slowly, but i am doing it (even if its not making a real difference).
Previously, he'd be an idiot and go and use for 4-12 hours with his phone off, making me worry. I used to drive around his haunts looking for him, and waiting for him to call me for me to take him home. Last time he relapsed however, I was at my part time job, and i went home and went to sleep. Of course he continued to call me at about 2 am, when he was coming down, but i told him i wasn't going to get him (YAY ME!) cuz i had to work in the morning. So what does he do?? He calls a f-ing ambulance! He claims he's suicidal and is admitted to emergency. (He's got supplemental income, so he's completely covered for the ambulance ride). But he calls my phone crying twice that morning while I'm at work saying he might be admitted. So what does my idiot self do? I left work, AGAIN. I have missed so much work in the past few months, more than in my entire life. I go to the hospital, where he gives me a huge hug that melts my heart. We have to sit and wait for hours for him to talk to the shrink. He does, then the doctor requests to speak to me. We go off into the quiet room, and he informs me that i shouldn't be giving ABF ultimatums regarding his addictions (which i had) and that i should give him extra TLC in these situations. I was and am still slightly baffled by the situation, going off of all i've read here.
Regardless, something the doctor said hit home. I had to LET GO of my resentments and anger, and appreciate the time we did have together. So I tried this. Hell of a lot easier said than done though, especially after you just had a month of completely sober-- mind and body-- ABF. After that he behaved completely differently, but thats cuz he wasn't in the sober mind-set. So, of course, i get angry and bitchy and SCARED. I think so much of my anger comes from my fear alone. So this past weekend (my birthday) we had a massive breakup style arguement. My parents then wanted to sit down and talk to ABF, which he did, and i thought it would have given us a new outlook on things. Not so much, but that's cuz payday was acomin and his mind was elsewhere.
So what happened last night?? You got it! He took off around noon after seeing his mental health workers. He decided to give me the ultimatum that we go to couples counselling or he comes and sees my counsellor with me, or we could not be together. Then he gets mad when i tell him that i can't share all of my sessions with my counsellor with him, because there's a lot of me that needs fixing too. So i immediately called him on his crap. I told him i knew that he was on his way to his haunts, as it was pay day. I told him that he was trying to break up with me and creating conflict, so that he would feel a lot less guilt for what he was going to do, if he could pretend i was just a stupid cow. I then informed him that i would not be picking him up, that i would not be missing work, that i would not cover for him financially whatsoever this month. This enraged him, i think it was probably more the me calling him on it than how i was not going to let him affect me. But the insults just came flying. But rather than reacting like i used to, i told him that although his insults were inexcusable, i know he didnt mean them, because it was the active man speaking and not the sober one. I told him that him doing this makes it that much harder for our relationship to work. He eventually calmed down, told me he had already picked up, and didnt know what to do. I told him to chuck it out the window. Needless to say, his phone was off about 10 minutes later.
Here's the part that drives me batty and makes me want to kick him so hard in both heads that he cannot move for a week: 5am, i get a text from him saying he was going to the hospital. So i call him and he informs me that he's already called an ambulance because he's feeling suicidal. I try to convince him to just call a cab instead since the suicidal thoughts WILL go away after some time of him really sobering up (we've been thru this way too many times) then he proceeds to say
" I'm not paying for an f-ing cab, the ambulance is free" I bit my tongue rather that biting his head off, and told him I would pay for the cab, cuz he doesnt really want to go to the hospital. Essentially he then tells me that he's too cold to wait for the cab, that he doesnt want his landlord to see him like this (he'd been outside since noon, its cold and rainy) but that he needed a safe environment and he needed to fix himself. I take the last 2 as ********, at least after he sobers up some more. He knows he can do this with meetings and his sponsor. He has before. The first 2 were dead on though. He said he didn't care if he got admitted, as that's where he needs to be. Essentially, he didnt want to have to live for the rest of the month on limited funds since he blew $200 in 12 hrs. Its EASIER in the hospital. Last I heard from him, the ambulance was on its way, and so were the cops.
I figure i'll give a call to the hospital around lunchtime or so, as long as i can go really. Find out whats happening. If he's still there when i get off work, i may go visit him for about a half hour prior to going to my other job. Bu ti doubt that. He stated before that he knows what to say to not get admitted. We shall see. Im torn between whether or not i want him in there. If he stays, he can really really sober up, but if he doesnt he has to face life. I guess i'm a little bitter still, hoping he has to live the month on limited funds, and not hide behind the front of being suicidal. All i know is that if he is in the hospital, it makes it a hell of a lot harder to get back to normal if you will (which can happen, it depends on what he wants) due to the lack of privacy, and the complete change of routine.
Anyways. I wanted to vent. Sometimes, i want to run that boy over with my car, he takes advantage of society and the fact that hes on goverment supplemented income. And i'm also really proud of myself for not going, and knowing im not going to miss work for him today (YAY ME!)
ps That felt good hehe
My boyfriend of almost 10mths is an alcoholic and it appears, newly addicted to crack. When I met him, he was clean and sober for 3 months, and stayed that way for another 6. The rest of our time together has pretty hellish. Out of the last 6 mths, he has spent 2 of them sober. It was wonderful having that man I fell in love with back. I've been learning a lot about this disease, and about him and i think it pisses him off. I am learning to let go, very very slowly, but i am doing it (even if its not making a real difference).
Previously, he'd be an idiot and go and use for 4-12 hours with his phone off, making me worry. I used to drive around his haunts looking for him, and waiting for him to call me for me to take him home. Last time he relapsed however, I was at my part time job, and i went home and went to sleep. Of course he continued to call me at about 2 am, when he was coming down, but i told him i wasn't going to get him (YAY ME!) cuz i had to work in the morning. So what does he do?? He calls a f-ing ambulance! He claims he's suicidal and is admitted to emergency. (He's got supplemental income, so he's completely covered for the ambulance ride). But he calls my phone crying twice that morning while I'm at work saying he might be admitted. So what does my idiot self do? I left work, AGAIN. I have missed so much work in the past few months, more than in my entire life. I go to the hospital, where he gives me a huge hug that melts my heart. We have to sit and wait for hours for him to talk to the shrink. He does, then the doctor requests to speak to me. We go off into the quiet room, and he informs me that i shouldn't be giving ABF ultimatums regarding his addictions (which i had) and that i should give him extra TLC in these situations. I was and am still slightly baffled by the situation, going off of all i've read here.
Regardless, something the doctor said hit home. I had to LET GO of my resentments and anger, and appreciate the time we did have together. So I tried this. Hell of a lot easier said than done though, especially after you just had a month of completely sober-- mind and body-- ABF. After that he behaved completely differently, but thats cuz he wasn't in the sober mind-set. So, of course, i get angry and bitchy and SCARED. I think so much of my anger comes from my fear alone. So this past weekend (my birthday) we had a massive breakup style arguement. My parents then wanted to sit down and talk to ABF, which he did, and i thought it would have given us a new outlook on things. Not so much, but that's cuz payday was acomin and his mind was elsewhere.
So what happened last night?? You got it! He took off around noon after seeing his mental health workers. He decided to give me the ultimatum that we go to couples counselling or he comes and sees my counsellor with me, or we could not be together. Then he gets mad when i tell him that i can't share all of my sessions with my counsellor with him, because there's a lot of me that needs fixing too. So i immediately called him on his crap. I told him i knew that he was on his way to his haunts, as it was pay day. I told him that he was trying to break up with me and creating conflict, so that he would feel a lot less guilt for what he was going to do, if he could pretend i was just a stupid cow. I then informed him that i would not be picking him up, that i would not be missing work, that i would not cover for him financially whatsoever this month. This enraged him, i think it was probably more the me calling him on it than how i was not going to let him affect me. But the insults just came flying. But rather than reacting like i used to, i told him that although his insults were inexcusable, i know he didnt mean them, because it was the active man speaking and not the sober one. I told him that him doing this makes it that much harder for our relationship to work. He eventually calmed down, told me he had already picked up, and didnt know what to do. I told him to chuck it out the window. Needless to say, his phone was off about 10 minutes later.
Here's the part that drives me batty and makes me want to kick him so hard in both heads that he cannot move for a week: 5am, i get a text from him saying he was going to the hospital. So i call him and he informs me that he's already called an ambulance because he's feeling suicidal. I try to convince him to just call a cab instead since the suicidal thoughts WILL go away after some time of him really sobering up (we've been thru this way too many times) then he proceeds to say
" I'm not paying for an f-ing cab, the ambulance is free" I bit my tongue rather that biting his head off, and told him I would pay for the cab, cuz he doesnt really want to go to the hospital. Essentially he then tells me that he's too cold to wait for the cab, that he doesnt want his landlord to see him like this (he'd been outside since noon, its cold and rainy) but that he needed a safe environment and he needed to fix himself. I take the last 2 as ********, at least after he sobers up some more. He knows he can do this with meetings and his sponsor. He has before. The first 2 were dead on though. He said he didn't care if he got admitted, as that's where he needs to be. Essentially, he didnt want to have to live for the rest of the month on limited funds since he blew $200 in 12 hrs. Its EASIER in the hospital. Last I heard from him, the ambulance was on its way, and so were the cops.
I figure i'll give a call to the hospital around lunchtime or so, as long as i can go really. Find out whats happening. If he's still there when i get off work, i may go visit him for about a half hour prior to going to my other job. Bu ti doubt that. He stated before that he knows what to say to not get admitted. We shall see. Im torn between whether or not i want him in there. If he stays, he can really really sober up, but if he doesnt he has to face life. I guess i'm a little bitter still, hoping he has to live the month on limited funds, and not hide behind the front of being suicidal. All i know is that if he is in the hospital, it makes it a hell of a lot harder to get back to normal if you will (which can happen, it depends on what he wants) due to the lack of privacy, and the complete change of routine.
Anyways. I wanted to vent. Sometimes, i want to run that boy over with my car, he takes advantage of society and the fact that hes on goverment supplemented income. And i'm also really proud of myself for not going, and knowing im not going to miss work for him today (YAY ME!)
ps That felt good hehe
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: MI
Posts: 132
Seniorita -- Those are seriously amazing accomplishments, I mean it. You are right - LETTING GO of my resentments and anger is so much more difficult. Kudos to you!
as you can see, when you change these things, he doesn't change, in fact nothing changes but YOU - I'm glad you feel proud and feel some serenity in your decisions.
as you can see, when you change these things, he doesn't change, in fact nothing changes but YOU - I'm glad you feel proud and feel some serenity in your decisions.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Glad you were able to stay away.
Do you do Alanon or Naranon meetings in addition to the counseling? Those help me very much - no one tells me what to do, they just show by example what works, and what doesn't. I learn from both.
((hugs))
Do you do Alanon or Naranon meetings in addition to the counseling? Those help me very much - no one tells me what to do, they just show by example what works, and what doesn't. I learn from both.
((hugs))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Edmonton, AB, Canada
Posts: 14
No, i don't go to meetings yet. I seem to have to do everything in baby steps. I'm just organizing getting myself a counsellor. But i would like to, eventually. I barely have time to breathe these days.
He just called me crying saying that they discharged him. And wouldn't give him any meds (he suffers from depression, social anxiety as well as voices in his head--drug induced psychosis from when he was 17) So i gave in (only a little) and told him that if he wanted to take a cab instead of the bus, i'd pay for it when i see him next. Still very proud for not jumping in my car, AND i won't be seeing him for 2 more days, so if he wants to **** away his money some more, he can, but then I'm not paying him for the cab. I know, i suck....but baby steps baby steps
I guess he's still feeling suicidal though, probably would help to take his meds, cuz Crack sure helps depression and anxiety. That kid is sooo paranoid when he isn't sober....Hell, he's paranoid when he is sober, but it just escalates.
I guess i'm a little sad and scared that he might go thru with the suicide thing, and i love him very much. But i'm glad I can't run over there after work like i used to (yay 2 jobs) I just hope he can get serious this time. You know its bad when the hospital doesn't believe that you're suicidal....just a boy who cries wolf
He just called me crying saying that they discharged him. And wouldn't give him any meds (he suffers from depression, social anxiety as well as voices in his head--drug induced psychosis from when he was 17) So i gave in (only a little) and told him that if he wanted to take a cab instead of the bus, i'd pay for it when i see him next. Still very proud for not jumping in my car, AND i won't be seeing him for 2 more days, so if he wants to **** away his money some more, he can, but then I'm not paying him for the cab. I know, i suck....but baby steps baby steps
I guess he's still feeling suicidal though, probably would help to take his meds, cuz Crack sure helps depression and anxiety. That kid is sooo paranoid when he isn't sober....Hell, he's paranoid when he is sober, but it just escalates.
I guess i'm a little sad and scared that he might go thru with the suicide thing, and i love him very much. But i'm glad I can't run over there after work like i used to (yay 2 jobs) I just hope he can get serious this time. You know its bad when the hospital doesn't believe that you're suicidal....just a boy who cries wolf
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