New to this forum LOOKING FOR HELP
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Timmins
Posts: 4
New to this forum LOOKING FOR HELP
I think I am falling apart at the seams. My husband is what I call a drug binger. We have been together for over 24 years. A few times a year he will go off on some Cocaine binge and I won't see him for a couple of days. I have always forgiven him in the past but lately I cannot forgive or forget. The last couple of times he did it it was pretty bad. He called me in the middle of the night for help which he never did before. In the past he would just show up at home sleep it off and then feel sorry for it later. He always said he had a problem and didn't know why he did it. Besides this problem he is a good man, very caring, attentive, good father, hard worker etc... He has never missed work over this but has spent quite a bit of money on it. I have recently limited his access to money giving him only so much money at a time and no credit cards.
The problem is that since the last time he did it(a couple of months ago) I have been a wreck. I wonder every time he walks out that door if he will be coming back. I panic when he does not answer his cell phone. I feel like I am living on the edge. Sometimes I feel like I am having anxiety attacks. This morning I woke up from a bad dream about him being out all night again & I literally woke up hyper ventillating.
I doubt everything he does and says. I have talked to him about it and of course he makes promises to me again & says to have faith in him. He says that the last time he did it was bad and does not want to go through that again & that it scared him. Of course I do not believe him.
Overall that is the only problem we have in our relationship. We get along great and love to do the same things together. Our children are grown and we are at a point in our lives that we live comfortably. We are travelling and doing things that we could not do before. If it wasn't for those times when he binges everything would almost be perfect.
I don't know what to do anymore. I am scared of the way I am feeling. There is nobody I could talk to because I don't want anyone to know about his problem. I am not a very religious person and I do not want to go to meetings for fear of knowing someone there. I am a very private person.
Any words of wisdom from someone out there would be greatly appreciated.
The problem is that since the last time he did it(a couple of months ago) I have been a wreck. I wonder every time he walks out that door if he will be coming back. I panic when he does not answer his cell phone. I feel like I am living on the edge. Sometimes I feel like I am having anxiety attacks. This morning I woke up from a bad dream about him being out all night again & I literally woke up hyper ventillating.
I doubt everything he does and says. I have talked to him about it and of course he makes promises to me again & says to have faith in him. He says that the last time he did it was bad and does not want to go through that again & that it scared him. Of course I do not believe him.
Overall that is the only problem we have in our relationship. We get along great and love to do the same things together. Our children are grown and we are at a point in our lives that we live comfortably. We are travelling and doing things that we could not do before. If it wasn't for those times when he binges everything would almost be perfect.
I don't know what to do anymore. I am scared of the way I am feeling. There is nobody I could talk to because I don't want anyone to know about his problem. I am not a very religious person and I do not want to go to meetings for fear of knowing someone there. I am a very private person.
Any words of wisdom from someone out there would be greatly appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: MI
Posts: 132
oh Mishou *** hugs*** to you, those physical affects are scary aren't they! I've delt & felt the same...I promise you. I know you are private but you can't help keep this secret - it'll only tear you up. In the meantime you have to take care of you, only he can decide when he's had enough and truley willing to get help.
Until he does, read, research, coming to SR was a great idea - (I hope you stay & find some relief).
I've suffered the same anxiety attacks, and recently started reading a book called ' codpendent no more' it's really helped me get a handle on my thoughts and panic like reactions.
We're here for you !!!
Until he does, read, research, coming to SR was a great idea - (I hope you stay & find some relief).
I've suffered the same anxiety attacks, and recently started reading a book called ' codpendent no more' it's really helped me get a handle on my thoughts and panic like reactions.
We're here for you !!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Mishou,
I'm so sorry you are going through this. The worry and panic -- will they use again? are they telling the truth? and if they are, can they follow through?? -- is one of the most horrible parts of being involved with someone who has substance issues.
Waiting for the other shoe to drop, I believe is the expression.
You say your husband knows he has a problem. Is he doing anything about it at all? Does he know how panicked you are? Do you talk about these things? The problem with addiction is that it's progressive. My sister was a heroin user, for example. She started by using a few times a year. Then only on weekends. Then only after work...every day. And always there were those bad times, those days when she would say, "That's it. I'm done now." There are many, many stories here like that, like yours. You are right to be worried.
What are your boundaries? What will you do if he does this again? Sometimes, the panic can be softened simply by having a plan in place: If he does A, then you will do B. Communicate this boundary to him; make it painfully clear. And mean it.
There should be no stigma attached to being married to someone who develops a drug problem -- no shame. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it, they say here. You may not be comfortable telling family or close friends, but it sounds as though you would benefit from a real flesh-and-blood outlet to talk to about your worries, to let off the pressure that's built up inside you. And if naranon meetings are uncomfortable for you, consider seeing a counselor of some sort, far from your home if that makes you feel better. You may be a private person (as am I) but just as you are not worried about seeing a medical doctor for a life-threatening condition,you should not be reticent about seeing a counselor for a happiness-threatening condition. This is your life...you shouldn't have to live like this.
Stick around and read some more -- there are a lot of stories here, a lot of support and compassion.
Hugs,
GiveLove
I'm so sorry you are going through this. The worry and panic -- will they use again? are they telling the truth? and if they are, can they follow through?? -- is one of the most horrible parts of being involved with someone who has substance issues.
Waiting for the other shoe to drop, I believe is the expression.
You say your husband knows he has a problem. Is he doing anything about it at all? Does he know how panicked you are? Do you talk about these things? The problem with addiction is that it's progressive. My sister was a heroin user, for example. She started by using a few times a year. Then only on weekends. Then only after work...every day. And always there were those bad times, those days when she would say, "That's it. I'm done now." There are many, many stories here like that, like yours. You are right to be worried.
What are your boundaries? What will you do if he does this again? Sometimes, the panic can be softened simply by having a plan in place: If he does A, then you will do B. Communicate this boundary to him; make it painfully clear. And mean it.
There should be no stigma attached to being married to someone who develops a drug problem -- no shame. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it, they say here. You may not be comfortable telling family or close friends, but it sounds as though you would benefit from a real flesh-and-blood outlet to talk to about your worries, to let off the pressure that's built up inside you. And if naranon meetings are uncomfortable for you, consider seeing a counselor of some sort, far from your home if that makes you feel better. You may be a private person (as am I) but just as you are not worried about seeing a medical doctor for a life-threatening condition,you should not be reticent about seeing a counselor for a happiness-threatening condition. This is your life...you shouldn't have to live like this.
Stick around and read some more -- there are a lot of stories here, a lot of support and compassion.
Hugs,
GiveLove
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I'm glad you found this forum, welcome...Unfortunately, as Give love said addiction is progressive...It can be arrested but not cured. So unless he is really addressing the issues that make him binge, your feeling that another shoe may drop is not only extremely understandable, but quite justified.
As you read posts here, you will see that we all came here for the same reason ...the pain, the anxiety the fear that we expiereince because a loved one is addicted. it's only by working on ourselves that we can find relief. I understand what you are saying about meetings, but if the only reason you fear going is because you might see someone you know, well...doesn't that actually make it hurt a little less...Other people just like you are in pain too...Addiction knows no boundaries. Naranon and Alanon are anonymous programs...that is the basis of the program...No one would break your anonimity outside the rooms. But if you feel that strongly about fear of meeting someone you know, how about going to another town? An hour of sanity and serenity a week is worth travleing hours to me.
This forum is wonderful and many people only have this and find it so helpful. I find the more support i get...here and at meetings, the healthier I become. Hugs...keep coming back.
As you read posts here, you will see that we all came here for the same reason ...the pain, the anxiety the fear that we expiereince because a loved one is addicted. it's only by working on ourselves that we can find relief. I understand what you are saying about meetings, but if the only reason you fear going is because you might see someone you know, well...doesn't that actually make it hurt a little less...Other people just like you are in pain too...Addiction knows no boundaries. Naranon and Alanon are anonymous programs...that is the basis of the program...No one would break your anonimity outside the rooms. But if you feel that strongly about fear of meeting someone you know, how about going to another town? An hour of sanity and serenity a week is worth travleing hours to me.
This forum is wonderful and many people only have this and find it so helpful. I find the more support i get...here and at meetings, the healthier I become. Hugs...keep coming back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Timmins
Posts: 4
Thank you all for responding
Thank you all for responding. I am very confused right now & I don't know what I am going to do. All I know is that I can't keep going on like this. I will keep reading the different posts on this site and hopefully in time I will gather up enough strength to get my life in order.
Clyde's Bonnie
.gif)
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Manchester, CT
Posts: 128
How Old Are Your Children?? Only U Can Decide When U Have Had Enough To Leave. Everyone Has Their Own Point, Own Bottom Just Like Addicts. Hugs To U, U Can Do It When U Are Ready. We Are All Her For U.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Mishou,
Welcome to SR. You've found a great place where you can share and know that people understand.
Although my situation is not exactly like yours, I do understand how you feel. I'd venture to say all of us who have had addiction come live in our homes understands the feelings of shame, guilt, fear, anxiety, anger, etc. I know I had all those.
The only way I began to recover was by coming to this board and attending face to face meetings. I know you said you don't want to do meetings. Neither did I. I put it off and put it off. I finally reached a point where I had done everything I knew to do and nothing, I mean NOTHING, was working for me. I was miserable and desperate. So I dropped my pride (yes, heaven forbid someone see me at the meeting and know I had a problem in my family) and went into a meeting. Today I can say that was one of the wisest decisions I've made in my entire life. And I was introduced to the most loving and understanding group of people I've ever known in my life.
Anonymity is one of the foundations of Al Anon. And Mishou, let me tell you this. When a new person walks through the door, I am so happy for that person for I know they have taken a very difficult step, but a very important one that will lead them to a better life IF they will stick with the meetings and open themselves up to learn a better way to live in this disease of addiction. You see, addiction is a family disease because it affects the entire family.
I do hope you'll stick around here and get to know us. Listen and learn. You'll see some folks around here with something you want ... peace & serenity. Watch them and maybe try what they are saying.
Again, welcome. I'm glad you're here.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Welcome to SR. You've found a great place where you can share and know that people understand.
Although my situation is not exactly like yours, I do understand how you feel. I'd venture to say all of us who have had addiction come live in our homes understands the feelings of shame, guilt, fear, anxiety, anger, etc. I know I had all those.
The only way I began to recover was by coming to this board and attending face to face meetings. I know you said you don't want to do meetings. Neither did I. I put it off and put it off. I finally reached a point where I had done everything I knew to do and nothing, I mean NOTHING, was working for me. I was miserable and desperate. So I dropped my pride (yes, heaven forbid someone see me at the meeting and know I had a problem in my family) and went into a meeting. Today I can say that was one of the wisest decisions I've made in my entire life. And I was introduced to the most loving and understanding group of people I've ever known in my life.
Anonymity is one of the foundations of Al Anon. And Mishou, let me tell you this. When a new person walks through the door, I am so happy for that person for I know they have taken a very difficult step, but a very important one that will lead them to a better life IF they will stick with the meetings and open themselves up to learn a better way to live in this disease of addiction. You see, addiction is a family disease because it affects the entire family.
I do hope you'll stick around here and get to know us. Listen and learn. You'll see some folks around here with something you want ... peace & serenity. Watch them and maybe try what they are saying.
Again, welcome. I'm glad you're here.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 204
My now xhb rarely drank and didn't do drugs (aside from experimenting as a teenager). At the age of 40 and after 15 years of marriage he decided to try crack/cocaine and the next few years were HELL on earth.
It wasnt' until the dissapearing games and stealing started that I had to snap out of my own emotional grief and come to realization that if I didn't take action NOW it was going to get worse..I tried to detach with love, the whole let go and let god deal but I had 2 kids to think about and there was no room in our lives for crack/cocaine period. I had to protect myself and my kids and I couldn't do it living with an active addict, even when he had some clean time and recovery program I still found myself constantly worried and I just couldn't live that way.
Today we are divorced but he is a bit over 16 months clean, has his career/job back and actually doing better than he was before this nightmare, we co-parent our two girls and live a block from each other and I couldn't be happier with how things worked out. He and I are very close and we've somewhat come full circle finding the friendship we once shared throughout our dating/marriage. If I could go back and do it all over I think I would have walked away a little sooner, but everything works out for a reason. The biggest blessing I have right now is that through his addiction/recovery I have learned about my own and learned how to take care of myself and yeah I worry that he will fall but I know I'll be ok no matter what he does.
I didn't get there overnight by any means, but It was a real learning experience even with all the pain and devastation it caused our family. Please take care of yourself and create boundaries and remember that you can't fix him, by all means take practical measures to protect your assets but at the same time remember that you have to take care of yourself emotionally as well. When the pain of staying is more than the pain of leaving will be your call, as it was mine.
Good luck and be safe.
It wasnt' until the dissapearing games and stealing started that I had to snap out of my own emotional grief and come to realization that if I didn't take action NOW it was going to get worse..I tried to detach with love, the whole let go and let god deal but I had 2 kids to think about and there was no room in our lives for crack/cocaine period. I had to protect myself and my kids and I couldn't do it living with an active addict, even when he had some clean time and recovery program I still found myself constantly worried and I just couldn't live that way.
Today we are divorced but he is a bit over 16 months clean, has his career/job back and actually doing better than he was before this nightmare, we co-parent our two girls and live a block from each other and I couldn't be happier with how things worked out. He and I are very close and we've somewhat come full circle finding the friendship we once shared throughout our dating/marriage. If I could go back and do it all over I think I would have walked away a little sooner, but everything works out for a reason. The biggest blessing I have right now is that through his addiction/recovery I have learned about my own and learned how to take care of myself and yeah I worry that he will fall but I know I'll be ok no matter what he does.
I didn't get there overnight by any means, but It was a real learning experience even with all the pain and devastation it caused our family. Please take care of yourself and create boundaries and remember that you can't fix him, by all means take practical measures to protect your assets but at the same time remember that you have to take care of yourself emotionally as well. When the pain of staying is more than the pain of leaving will be your call, as it was mine.
Good luck and be safe.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((mishou))
welcome to our SR family
I hope that you will stay here, continue to read the post and see that so many of us are in or have been in situations similiar to yours.
We have been affected by another person's drinking or drug use. We are learning to love that person, but not to tolerate unacceptable behaviors. To learn to take care of ourselves and find a way to live safe & serene lives.
Please keep coming - don't give up before the miracles happen in you - You deserve them.
wishing you serenity & joy,
Rita
welcome to our SR family
I hope that you will stay here, continue to read the post and see that so many of us are in or have been in situations similiar to yours.
We have been affected by another person's drinking or drug use. We are learning to love that person, but not to tolerate unacceptable behaviors. To learn to take care of ourselves and find a way to live safe & serene lives.
Please keep coming - don't give up before the miracles happen in you - You deserve them.
wishing you serenity & joy,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Okanagan BC
Posts: 328
Mishou, I feel like I could have written your post. My kids are a little younger, 12 & 15. But my relationship is the same. Almost perfect if not for the coke use/binges. We enjoy each others company, like the same things, make each other laugh. But things started getting worse about a year and a half ago. He has always admitted to having a problem and never knew why? He did go to rehab, but that only worked short term. He seems very earnest in wanting to get better. Gives me his money and cards, doesn't want to be tempted, but someting always happens eventually. Lately it is getting closer and closer, he had never missed work either, but in the last 6 months he has...It progresses, it really does! every time he binges, he swears never again, i used to believe him, but now...it is such a roller coaster ride. I am sorry you have to go through this, please keep reading on this site. I find it gives me strength and it helps to know you are not alone. Good luck to you and your husband!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome, i am glad you found us. i can not tell you what to do.i will say it is not your fault & there is nothing you can do to make him stop using. it is only going to get worse. my son is my addict. the 3c's helped me alot with him.i did not CAUSE it,
i can not CONTROL it & i can not CURE it. acceptance is the key word, he will not change or stop using until HE is ready. keep coming back there is alot of support here. prayers,
i can not CONTROL it & i can not CURE it. acceptance is the key word, he will not change or stop using until HE is ready. keep coming back there is alot of support here. prayers,
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Welcome Mishou
Isn't it wonderful how our Higher Power leads us here to this forum?
When I read your post, I could hardly breath because it reminded me of when I first came here. Man, I was a wreck. I was just a short putt from the edge, believe me. I remember experiencing the nightmares and the anxiety, just like you. I can't tell you how many times I plan my son's funeral.
Well, here it is a few years later and the troubles are the same. A little quieter these days because my addict, who is my son, is in a fire camp, which is a nice place, but still prison.
Mishou, all I can suggest is what finally helped me cope with my fears and anxieties. I finally learned to turn my fears over to a Higher Power. It takes a lot of practice, believe me, but after a while it gets easier. I just have to keep the faith and pray that my HP has a plan for my son (or your husband). Whatever it is, it is! There isn't a thing we can do to change the PLAN. Believe me I have done it all. I cried, begged, threated, bribed, made deals with, etc., nothing worked! In the end, the result was always the same.
I remember being just like you. I was so ashamed. I couldn't let anyone know. I couldn't go to meetings for fear I would run into some one that knew me. I never thought to think so what if I did. If they were there, wouldn't that mean they have problems too?
I finally learned that his shame was not my shame and let it go. Now, if anyone asks where he is, I tell them. Actually, it's kind of fun to watch the shock on their faces!!
LOL. It was really fun when the mailman asked who it was that I knew in prison (because of the letters stamped "STATE PRISON"). Guess I shocked the heck out of him 'cause now he can only say "good morning!" LOL
Guess what I'm trying to say is you need to take care of yourself. You need to get all this anxiety out because it is not the best thing for your health. Afterall, you need to stick around for your children right?
Your husband needs help. All the begging, crying, bargaining, pleading, etc., in the world isn't going to do it. He has to finally come to this conclusion on his own. However, he definitely needs to face the problem.
I wish there were a magic wand we could just swish over them and cure them; however, it's just not that way. You say he binges. Well, using is using, whether he does it once in a while or every day the result remains the same.
You don't have to convince me that he is a good person, a good father, a good husband when he doesn't use because I know that. We all know that! My son is a love when he is clean and a monster when he uses.
Mishou, I guess what I'm trying to say here is there isn't a thing we can do for them; however, we can take care of our own needs. We can be happy and we can go on living our lives. We do need support and kindness from others that have walked this path before us. That's why meetings are so important.
Remember, meetings are anonymous. Remember too, if you go and you meet someone you know there that's even better 'cause now you know you are not alone.
If you don't go to meetings, be sure and continue to visit with us here. We know just how you feel, believe me.
You will grow stronger each day by just coming here.
Oh, yes, and just wait until you meet the BIG GUNS like Ann, and Historyteach, and Mooselips, etc. You've already met Hangin'. Wow, they're great! Sometimes they even take us on trips with the CODIE BUS. You'll see, stick around with us.
Hugs, Devastated
When I read your post, I could hardly breath because it reminded me of when I first came here. Man, I was a wreck. I was just a short putt from the edge, believe me. I remember experiencing the nightmares and the anxiety, just like you. I can't tell you how many times I plan my son's funeral.
Well, here it is a few years later and the troubles are the same. A little quieter these days because my addict, who is my son, is in a fire camp, which is a nice place, but still prison.
Mishou, all I can suggest is what finally helped me cope with my fears and anxieties. I finally learned to turn my fears over to a Higher Power. It takes a lot of practice, believe me, but after a while it gets easier. I just have to keep the faith and pray that my HP has a plan for my son (or your husband). Whatever it is, it is! There isn't a thing we can do to change the PLAN. Believe me I have done it all. I cried, begged, threated, bribed, made deals with, etc., nothing worked! In the end, the result was always the same.
I remember being just like you. I was so ashamed. I couldn't let anyone know. I couldn't go to meetings for fear I would run into some one that knew me. I never thought to think so what if I did. If they were there, wouldn't that mean they have problems too?
I finally learned that his shame was not my shame and let it go. Now, if anyone asks where he is, I tell them. Actually, it's kind of fun to watch the shock on their faces!!
LOL. It was really fun when the mailman asked who it was that I knew in prison (because of the letters stamped "STATE PRISON"). Guess I shocked the heck out of him 'cause now he can only say "good morning!" LOL
Guess what I'm trying to say is you need to take care of yourself. You need to get all this anxiety out because it is not the best thing for your health. Afterall, you need to stick around for your children right?
Your husband needs help. All the begging, crying, bargaining, pleading, etc., in the world isn't going to do it. He has to finally come to this conclusion on his own. However, he definitely needs to face the problem.
I wish there were a magic wand we could just swish over them and cure them; however, it's just not that way. You say he binges. Well, using is using, whether he does it once in a while or every day the result remains the same.
You don't have to convince me that he is a good person, a good father, a good husband when he doesn't use because I know that. We all know that! My son is a love when he is clean and a monster when he uses.
Mishou, I guess what I'm trying to say here is there isn't a thing we can do for them; however, we can take care of our own needs. We can be happy and we can go on living our lives. We do need support and kindness from others that have walked this path before us. That's why meetings are so important.
Remember, meetings are anonymous. Remember too, if you go and you meet someone you know there that's even better 'cause now you know you are not alone.
If you don't go to meetings, be sure and continue to visit with us here. We know just how you feel, believe me.
You will grow stronger each day by just coming here.
Oh, yes, and just wait until you meet the BIG GUNS like Ann, and Historyteach, and Mooselips, etc. You've already met Hangin'. Wow, they're great! Sometimes they even take us on trips with the CODIE BUS. You'll see, stick around with us.
Hugs, Devastated
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Mishou,
Hiya sweetie, and welcome to Sober recovery.
I remember back when I first came here, I was surfing the web looking for help for my son. Little did I know I was the one who needed help, and my H.P. pointed me here, and I landed in this wonderful world of understanding, and a new perspective on the important thing in my life...my sanity.
What works for some people doesn't work for all. What works for me is to move the focus from my 2 addict sons to ME....ME ME ME. Attending meetings, and sharing with others is central in maintaining my recovery.
Also, I began with a book, called "Codependent No More" It's by Melody Beattie, and it's a lifesaver....
We're all here for you....
Hiya sweetie, and welcome to Sober recovery.
I remember back when I first came here, I was surfing the web looking for help for my son. Little did I know I was the one who needed help, and my H.P. pointed me here, and I landed in this wonderful world of understanding, and a new perspective on the important thing in my life...my sanity.
What works for some people doesn't work for all. What works for me is to move the focus from my 2 addict sons to ME....ME ME ME. Attending meetings, and sharing with others is central in maintaining my recovery.
Also, I began with a book, called "Codependent No More" It's by Melody Beattie, and it's a lifesaver....
We're all here for you....
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
This a great place to share your feelings and get support. If there's any way you can, get to an alanon meeting. They're anon for a good reason!! I understand that fear you feel. I have lived it.
I hope you get some stress relief soon.
I hope you get some stress relief soon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Timmins
Posts: 4
Wow
I am so glad I found this forum. All your words of wisdom are really great. Yes I will keep coming back to this forum. It is nice to know that I am not alone. I should have come here along time ago.
A big thank you
A big thank you
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