I am constantly on the verge of tears...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
I am constantly on the verge of tears...
I am constantly on the verge of tears today. First of all the day started off badly... my boyfriend started an argument at 6:30 am. He had a nightmare that I was telling the whole world that he's a pot smoker. He disapproves of my using this website to discuss him. Plus, he was upset that I am going to leave on a trip and he tried to make me feel guilty about travelling. He believes that to travel is bad for the environment (burns too many fossil fuels), plus he is worried that I will fall in love with someone during the trip. I told him that he needs to trust me. I also told him that nothing is going to change our differing views on pot and travel.
Then, came a text message from my soon-to-be-ex-AH saying: "Is it possible to get my basketball out of the basement?" He has neither a basketball nor any personal belongings at my house. He knows that I don't want him near the house. I've told him and written him that if he steps onto my property, I will call the police. I started to get scared that if I didn't respond, that he would show up on my doorstep. So, while I was mulling over this message, which also unsettled me because he sent it at 8:24 a.m., a time during which he usually sleeps. The only reason he would be awake at this time, would be if he hadn't gone to sleep yet... a scary thought as he is most likely under the influence of booze or some drug.
Then, while dropping off my son at day care, I nearly burst into tears when the day care provider started to lecture me about keeping to agreed upon drop off and pick up times. I was 3 minutes too EARLY! I told her that I was going to take my time in the coat room any way, and that by the time he was ready to join the group the three minutes would be over. Such a little detail had me fighting back tears and had me wondering.
Why would such a little thing cause such an emotional reation? Then, I screwed up, my appointment (for which I was rushing) is tomorrow not today. It's just one of those days!
Then, came a text message from my soon-to-be-ex-AH saying: "Is it possible to get my basketball out of the basement?" He has neither a basketball nor any personal belongings at my house. He knows that I don't want him near the house. I've told him and written him that if he steps onto my property, I will call the police. I started to get scared that if I didn't respond, that he would show up on my doorstep. So, while I was mulling over this message, which also unsettled me because he sent it at 8:24 a.m., a time during which he usually sleeps. The only reason he would be awake at this time, would be if he hadn't gone to sleep yet... a scary thought as he is most likely under the influence of booze or some drug.
Then, while dropping off my son at day care, I nearly burst into tears when the day care provider started to lecture me about keeping to agreed upon drop off and pick up times. I was 3 minutes too EARLY! I told her that I was going to take my time in the coat room any way, and that by the time he was ready to join the group the three minutes would be over. Such a little detail had me fighting back tears and had me wondering.
Why would such a little thing cause such an emotional reation? Then, I screwed up, my appointment (for which I was rushing) is tomorrow not today. It's just one of those days!
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Hi Mama,
Hope you feeling happier soon. Yep, it can all get to us girls sometimes. When you think about all the stuff we have to handle on a daily basis, it can take its toll and the smallest incident can have us a complete mess.
We are just human and I guess we have the right to cry once in a while hey?
Hope tomorrows better hun...
Hope you feeling happier soon. Yep, it can all get to us girls sometimes. When you think about all the stuff we have to handle on a daily basis, it can take its toll and the smallest incident can have us a complete mess.
We are just human and I guess we have the right to cry once in a while hey?
Hope tomorrows better hun...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
Three minutes, huh?If you're dealing with an XAH, a pot-smoking BF, and a stickler at the day care, it's no wonder you want to cry. Me, I'd get in the car, bawl my eyes out and holler a bit, and then smile & sigh because I got it all out. Try it! There's no crime in crying out frustration for a few minutes.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
MammaPlus 
I agree with CB! I know that when I let the tears flow now in my life I feel so much better, it is as I have cleansed my soul. It helps me to see more clear afterwards. Maybe this is what you need to do for yourself.
If this current bf is causing you so much pain why would you want to continue this realtionship? I know when I was with my XABF I could not breathe....and everytime I went away instead of being happy for me that I was going to see my family-he would continue to call, make threats he would call the cops (because I had his car) he went even as far as squeezing one of my dogs over the phone so she would cry!
The behavior is unacceptable from both men and they will continue to do it because it is what addicts do! And you will continue to feel this way unless you change the behavior of your own and that can be changed however by seeking some help for YOURSELF!
Have you gone to maybe an Al-Anon meeting? Tried going to a counselor? I know you are here at SR so that means you are looking for support-but sometimes SR is just not enough-although SR is my family and I love everyone here-
I agree with CB! I know that when I let the tears flow now in my life I feel so much better, it is as I have cleansed my soul. It helps me to see more clear afterwards. Maybe this is what you need to do for yourself.
If this current bf is causing you so much pain why would you want to continue this realtionship? I know when I was with my XABF I could not breathe....and everytime I went away instead of being happy for me that I was going to see my family-he would continue to call, make threats he would call the cops (because I had his car) he went even as far as squeezing one of my dogs over the phone so she would cry!
The behavior is unacceptable from both men and they will continue to do it because it is what addicts do! And you will continue to feel this way unless you change the behavior of your own and that can be changed however by seeking some help for YOURSELF!
Have you gone to maybe an Al-Anon meeting? Tried going to a counselor? I know you are here at SR so that means you are looking for support-but sometimes SR is just not enough-although SR is my family and I love everyone here-
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
plus he is worried that I will fall in love with someone during the trip.
That's something I don't "get" about some of these addicts. This constant hinting that the other half is going to find somebody else or, if you decide to go no contact/break it off, the accusations that you already have somebody else. It's as if they never trusted you or maybe just assumed you would eventually see through them and want out.
Enjoy your trip Mama!
ARL
That's something I don't "get" about some of these addicts. This constant hinting that the other half is going to find somebody else or, if you decide to go no contact/break it off, the accusations that you already have somebody else. It's as if they never trusted you or maybe just assumed you would eventually see through them and want out.
Enjoy your trip Mama!
ARL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
Going to visit my counselor tomorrow. Haven't seen her in over a year. Where I live, English-speaking Al Anon only meets during ski season and peak summer tourist season. There are some German-speaking Al-Anons, but they are more than an 1 1/2 drive from here.
ritabee
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by ARealLady 
plus he is worried that I will fall in love with someone during the trip.
That's something I don't "get" about some of these addicts. This constant hinting that the other half is going to find somebody else or, if you decide to go no contact/break it off, the accusations that you already have somebody else. It's as if they never trusted you or maybe just assumed you would eventually see through them and want out.
ARL
That's something I don't "get" about some of these addicts. This constant hinting that the other half is going to find somebody else or, if you decide to go no contact/break it off, the accusations that you already have somebody else. It's as if they never trusted you or maybe just assumed you would eventually see through them and want out.
ARL
Also, it's manipulation. You're so busy trying to assure him that you won't leave him that you might need to cancel your trip just to prove it to him.
Mama, I've been through the wringer with my XABF and I can cry at the drop of a hat. But it's always the smallest things that set me off, then I cry about everything while I'm at it. Go ahead and cry. It DOES make you feel better.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
"you already have somebody else"
"You're so busy trying to assure him that you won't leave him that you might need to cancel your trip just to prove it to him"
HA! These statements ring a bell. I always got accused of having someone else. The worst was on his weekend 50th birthday trip to Key West. At 50, he swore he turned over a new leaf. Huh! Anyway, I wanted to go to Hemingway's House, he wanted to sit in the lobby bar first and drink. After an hour I said "with or without you, I am going. I intend to see this house, I did not come to KW to watch you drink." And so I marched off. I went straight there, it was near closing time so I had a whopping 20 minutes to see the house, and I walked straight back to the bar. I get there and he starts in on how I had been gone forever, how I had obviously met up with some man, and had sex with him instead. It was laughable! So I laughed at him! Talk about making a fool of yourself in front of others at a bar.
But, remembering back, the time that I had walking to the Hemingway House and back was sooooo peaceful. I called my BGF at home and chatted with her, there was peace and solitude enjoying the late spring afternoon in Key West, and there was no paranoid bipolar drunk dogging my heels.
Some day I hope to be able to travel the Keys and enjoy it from a sober perspective, instead of the ugly drunken, promiscuous side. Sorry to get off topic!
"You're so busy trying to assure him that you won't leave him that you might need to cancel your trip just to prove it to him"
HA! These statements ring a bell. I always got accused of having someone else. The worst was on his weekend 50th birthday trip to Key West. At 50, he swore he turned over a new leaf. Huh! Anyway, I wanted to go to Hemingway's House, he wanted to sit in the lobby bar first and drink. After an hour I said "with or without you, I am going. I intend to see this house, I did not come to KW to watch you drink." And so I marched off. I went straight there, it was near closing time so I had a whopping 20 minutes to see the house, and I walked straight back to the bar. I get there and he starts in on how I had been gone forever, how I had obviously met up with some man, and had sex with him instead. It was laughable! So I laughed at him! Talk about making a fool of yourself in front of others at a bar.
But, remembering back, the time that I had walking to the Hemingway House and back was sooooo peaceful. I called my BGF at home and chatted with her, there was peace and solitude enjoying the late spring afternoon in Key West, and there was no paranoid bipolar drunk dogging my heels.
Some day I hope to be able to travel the Keys and enjoy it from a sober perspective, instead of the ugly drunken, promiscuous side. Sorry to get off topic!
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Originally Posted by mamaplus2kids
Going to visit my counselor tomorrow. Haven't seen her in over a year. Where I live, English-speaking Al Anon only meets during ski season and peak summer tourist season. There are some German-speaking Al-Anons, but they are more than an 1 1/2 drive from here.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: media, pa
Posts: 243
I'm sorry about your emotional day. Hope crying releases some negative energy.
I know you probably don't want to hear this, but airplanes *do* way more damage to the environment than all the cars in the world. Your pot-smoker bf isn't that stupid!
I know you probably don't want to hear this, but airplanes *do* way more damage to the environment than all the cars in the world. Your pot-smoker bf isn't that stupid!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
sorry that you're going through this.
i use to wear a pair of shades, not becuase the future is bright
or i thought it was slick, hip or cool.
I wore it becuase there was constant tears in my eyes.
I didn't think anyone would or could understand me or much less care.
I also felt a since of guilt and shame
plus the other half was i could barley keep my eyes open from lack
of rest and sleep.
so i finally started writing on SR. I wasn't sure if it would help
me or anyone would care. i just couldn't carry on like that anymore.
something need to changed and that's about the most change i could
musture up. It wasn't even courage that I took to start a thread on SR.
I just couldn't carry on like that anymore.
i use to wear a pair of shades, not becuase the future is bright
or i thought it was slick, hip or cool.
I wore it becuase there was constant tears in my eyes.
I didn't think anyone would or could understand me or much less care.
I also felt a since of guilt and shame
plus the other half was i could barley keep my eyes open from lack
of rest and sleep.
so i finally started writing on SR. I wasn't sure if it would help
me or anyone would care. i just couldn't carry on like that anymore.
something need to changed and that's about the most change i could
musture up. It wasn't even courage that I took to start a thread on SR.
I just couldn't carry on like that anymore.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
they really don't love themselves and cannot understand how you can love them!
Very insightful. XABF implied or stated this over and over again. He and I do come from quite different backgrounds but so what? We related on many different levels, I saw the good person that he CAN be, when sober, and for a while I enjoyed the time we spent together. Nevertheless, he would say things like "I don't know why you would be interested in me." or "You'll find somebody else."....almost wishful thinking, I thought though I now see that people who love themselves do NOT make comments like that to other people. My former H was also a very different background, had way more education than me and more money too! Never once did I feel insecure enough around him to suggest that he would leave me for someone better (LOL....he left me for someone worse but that's a whole other story!).
And, CBrown, your little anecdote about wanting to go sightseeing in Key West when your XABF preferred to drink away his time in the bar really hits home with me. "I'm on vacation" was XABF's line when getting a drink (at 10am!!!) was more important than sightseeing. And I also found that despite wanting to be in a place, he seemed to get very, very insecure about being there....no spirit of adventure, used to think everybody was looking at him and worried out loud about what they thought of him....huh? Talk about exasperating!
ARL
ARL
Very insightful. XABF implied or stated this over and over again. He and I do come from quite different backgrounds but so what? We related on many different levels, I saw the good person that he CAN be, when sober, and for a while I enjoyed the time we spent together. Nevertheless, he would say things like "I don't know why you would be interested in me." or "You'll find somebody else."....almost wishful thinking, I thought though I now see that people who love themselves do NOT make comments like that to other people. My former H was also a very different background, had way more education than me and more money too! Never once did I feel insecure enough around him to suggest that he would leave me for someone better (LOL....he left me for someone worse but that's a whole other story!).
And, CBrown, your little anecdote about wanting to go sightseeing in Key West when your XABF preferred to drink away his time in the bar really hits home with me. "I'm on vacation" was XABF's line when getting a drink (at 10am!!!) was more important than sightseeing. And I also found that despite wanting to be in a place, he seemed to get very, very insecure about being there....no spirit of adventure, used to think everybody was looking at him and worried out loud about what they thought of him....huh? Talk about exasperating!
ARL
ARL
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
