New to recovery and having problems in the bedroom..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: dallas, tx
Posts: 82
New to recovery and having problems in the bedroom..
I need some serious help here. My fiance and I have been together almost 4 years and engaged for the past 2 yrs ( marriage keeps getting post-pones d/t my drinking).
I have never had a high sex-drive ( 1-3 x/mo is good for me) but alcohol made me very "horny" and it was during my active drinking-before consequences phase that I met my sweetie so lets just say he's used to more than 1-3/mo. I love him dearly but now with 31 days of sobriety I 'm just not interested in sex . I know this is not unusual and have shown him in the Big Book where it says this is normal and will pass but he's just not getting it and it's creating alot of tension between us. If anyone else has experienced this please share with me how you managed the situation. Thanks!!
I have never had a high sex-drive ( 1-3 x/mo is good for me) but alcohol made me very "horny" and it was during my active drinking-before consequences phase that I met my sweetie so lets just say he's used to more than 1-3/mo. I love him dearly but now with 31 days of sobriety I 'm just not interested in sex . I know this is not unusual and have shown him in the Big Book where it says this is normal and will pass but he's just not getting it and it's creating alot of tension between us. If anyone else has experienced this please share with me how you managed the situation. Thanks!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hicktown, PA
Posts: 1,479
Hi Jinx - I am very new here, so I am not sure I can really give great advice, so take it for what it is worth.
I have been sober for 41 days. I have had to take baby steps toward honesty and learning to live again. I know it sounds stupid, but I had organized my whole life around drinking every evening. I was amazed by going to the Walmart at 6:30 one evening b/c I had always been drunk by that time before and I never drove when I drank, so I was used to life shutting down around 5 pm. It's amazing how much changes as you recover.
My husband has been very patient and loving throughout all this. While I have not had the particular problem that you describe, I do understand what you are saying about your relationship changing. Ask your BF to be patient, even when it is difficult, and maybe you can explain to him that your sobriety has to be your main focus right now, but you can reassure him of your love and commitment to him.
My husband and I met when we were young teenagers (we are now in our 40s) and he says that me being sober again is like getting to know the "younger me" all over again. Maybe your BF might be able to see it that way... a whole new you is emerging, maybe you could "backtrack" a little to when you were first dating...spend time talking, holding hands, etc. - let him get to know the new you as you get to know yourself again...maybe things can go forward naturally from there, just like if you were dating someone you never met before.
I don't know if this makes sense...I hope that someone else comes along with more specific input...Anyway, wish you well with this!
I have been sober for 41 days. I have had to take baby steps toward honesty and learning to live again. I know it sounds stupid, but I had organized my whole life around drinking every evening. I was amazed by going to the Walmart at 6:30 one evening b/c I had always been drunk by that time before and I never drove when I drank, so I was used to life shutting down around 5 pm. It's amazing how much changes as you recover.
My husband has been very patient and loving throughout all this. While I have not had the particular problem that you describe, I do understand what you are saying about your relationship changing. Ask your BF to be patient, even when it is difficult, and maybe you can explain to him that your sobriety has to be your main focus right now, but you can reassure him of your love and commitment to him.
My husband and I met when we were young teenagers (we are now in our 40s) and he says that me being sober again is like getting to know the "younger me" all over again. Maybe your BF might be able to see it that way... a whole new you is emerging, maybe you could "backtrack" a little to when you were first dating...spend time talking, holding hands, etc. - let him get to know the new you as you get to know yourself again...maybe things can go forward naturally from there, just like if you were dating someone you never met before.
I don't know if this makes sense...I hope that someone else comes along with more specific input...Anyway, wish you well with this!
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
I found that there were all sorts of NEW EXPERIENCES in sobriety. The new frontiers that sober life opens up don't stop at the bedroom door, but like so many things there are some adjustments required.
I found that if I made an effort to appreciate these new feelings and sensations I grew to thoroughly enjoy everything. I suspect that my partners found the change equally or even more enjoyable. Imagine that, no one has ever said the miss stale alcohol breath, stupid comments and emotional detachment.
TRY IT YOU'LL LIKE IT!!
Jon
I found that if I made an effort to appreciate these new feelings and sensations I grew to thoroughly enjoy everything. I suspect that my partners found the change equally or even more enjoyable. Imagine that, no one has ever said the miss stale alcohol breath, stupid comments and emotional detachment.
TRY IT YOU'LL LIKE IT!!
Jon
:
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 984
me and my fiance were together for the same amount of time and our wedding date was pushed back all the time due to my drinking also. We just broke up about a month ago but I know my sex drive ( as a man ) was terrible when I was drunk. Never could stand up to par if you know what I mean.
The issue, I found, had nothing to do with sex. Those were all just symptoms of a greater issue, The drink. We get over those things when we sober up and our bodies again get used to the fact that there's nothing there clouding up the issue.
Keep strong and maybe suggest Al Anon for your sweatheart. Noboby loses in AA or Al Anon
The issue, I found, had nothing to do with sex. Those were all just symptoms of a greater issue, The drink. We get over those things when we sober up and our bodies again get used to the fact that there's nothing there clouding up the issue.
Keep strong and maybe suggest Al Anon for your sweatheart. Noboby loses in AA or Al Anon
simplysober
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 118
thanks for posting on this subject- i posted something about sex on like day 4 or something, i was scared of sober sex- its still rocky somewhat, and yup so much easier to be the initiator when you have liquid courage.
sex is definatley sweeter sober. try saying that 5 times fast! lol
having a low sex drive is something so many women and man have from time to time, and its hard for the other partner if they have a high sex drive (which in my opinion is hard to deal with also)
im working on meeting in the middle somewhere- and being honest and trying to relearn and shake some of these inhibitions loose.
im thankful that i have an understanding guy and its not a big issue at this time- hopefully ill be saying he same thing in a week or 2 lol one never knows what each new day will bring.
hugs
maria
sex is definatley sweeter sober. try saying that 5 times fast! lol
having a low sex drive is something so many women and man have from time to time, and its hard for the other partner if they have a high sex drive (which in my opinion is hard to deal with also)
im working on meeting in the middle somewhere- and being honest and trying to relearn and shake some of these inhibitions loose.
im thankful that i have an understanding guy and its not a big issue at this time- hopefully ill be saying he same thing in a week or 2 lol one never knows what each new day will bring.
hugs
maria
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MA.
Posts: 1,719
Originally Posted by jinxblu 
I have never had a high sex-drive ( 1-3 x/mo is good for me) but alcohol made me very "horny" and it was during my active drinking-before consequences phase that I met my sweetie so lets just say he's used to more than 1-3/mo. I love him dearly but now with 31 days of sobriety I 'm just not interested in sex . I know this is not unusual and have shown him in the Big Book where it says this is normal and will pass but he's just not getting it and it's creating alot of tension between us. If anyone else has experienced this please share with me how you managed the situation. Thanks!!
I can relate to what you are saying when under the influence...I always felt sexier, more passionate, and boy could I dance. LOL... Truth is I was foul mouthed, demanding, and a falling down drunk...Not a bit sexy!!!
Sober, I may have slowed down a little, but intimate times are more meaningful.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: S.E. Mich.
Posts: 1,433
Big changes happen when we start abusing something, and big changes happen when we stop. And as we go on using, the years click by, and we get older as well....
Sometimes it's a matter of patience. It takes a bit for our bodies, and minds to regroup and heal after all the damages done by active addiction and the life style. Everybody's return to normal body functions is different, and will depend on how long we used, what was done then, diet, conditions now, etc.
And I'm not saying this to rule out the above suggestions, as they are all good ones, rather, this is just in addition to the above.
Sometimes it's a matter of patience. It takes a bit for our bodies, and minds to regroup and heal after all the damages done by active addiction and the life style. Everybody's return to normal body functions is different, and will depend on how long we used, what was done then, diet, conditions now, etc.
And I'm not saying this to rule out the above suggestions, as they are all good ones, rather, this is just in addition to the above.
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Hey Jinx,
I find myself in the same position. If you are anything like me, I used alcohol to loosen up enough to not feel any inhibitions. I'm finding out in sobriety that I am a extremely shy person (who would've thunk?!!) and probably started drinking in order to not be so shy.
All that I can say is we will prob have to re-learn a few things and that there are other ways to be intimate with someone: snuggling, backrubs, etc.
My sponsor has told me to cut myself some slack, its part of living sober and may take awhile...
Big hugs
Karen
I find myself in the same position. If you are anything like me, I used alcohol to loosen up enough to not feel any inhibitions. I'm finding out in sobriety that I am a extremely shy person (who would've thunk?!!) and probably started drinking in order to not be so shy.
All that I can say is we will prob have to re-learn a few things and that there are other ways to be intimate with someone: snuggling, backrubs, etc.
My sponsor has told me to cut myself some slack, its part of living sober and may take awhile...
Big hugs
Karen
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: FRIENDSWOOD, TEXAS
Posts: 500
I am also having problems with my sex drive, when using alcohol and xanax it seemed like I had a very high sex drive or maybe i was just the fact that I was using I never knew what I was like sober, my sex drive now is very low , I dont even have any interest in sex. I am married - 13 yrs. Does it get better?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: S.E. Mich.
Posts: 1,433
Jinx,
Have you been able to talk to him, and explain it's probably not him, and your working on it?
I find that with my wife, if I explain stuff to her from my side, it eliminates her "guessing" and bad feelings, let's her know where I really am, and helps make her feel like she's part of the recovery process, which she is.
Have you been able to talk to him, and explain it's probably not him, and your working on it?
I find that with my wife, if I explain stuff to her from my side, it eliminates her "guessing" and bad feelings, let's her know where I really am, and helps make her feel like she's part of the recovery process, which she is.
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
"I don’t even have any interest in sex. I am married - 13 yrs. Does it get better?
-NEEDTOBESOBER-
I found that it got much better for me after divorce and I have had a much bigger interest in sex ever since!!
Sorry, outside issue. Just couldn't resist.
Jon
-NEEDTOBESOBER-
I found that it got much better for me after divorce and I have had a much bigger interest in sex ever since!!
Sorry, outside issue. Just couldn't resist.
Jon
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Chicago
Posts: 12
Sounds like you might just not have a high sex drive and there doesn't need to be an explaination behind that. Try not to think of it as the pursuit of sexual pleasure but rather a sharing of yourself with someone who seems to love you enough to stick by you despite your drinking and recovery. The guy seems like he really cares.
But not sympathy sex! The only thing worse for a man than no sex is sympathy sex. Think of as a giving of yourself to someone you love. If sexual pleasure happens GREAT! But don't go into it for that.
As a younger man I was so mislead as to what was important. Without verbablizing it sex was one thing to me. The persuit of orgasm. I became a much better lover when I realized it's was about loving.
But not sympathy sex! The only thing worse for a man than no sex is sympathy sex. Think of as a giving of yourself to someone you love. If sexual pleasure happens GREAT! But don't go into it for that.
As a younger man I was so mislead as to what was important. Without verbablizing it sex was one thing to me. The persuit of orgasm. I became a much better lover when I realized it's was about loving.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
When I was drinking I had a lot of SEX!!!!!! Because it was all about me!!
Today I no longer have SEX, I make love because I am sober.
My sex drive is lower now that I have been sober for a while, but considering I was beyond over sexed when I was drinking I have to guess it is kind of normal now, in early sobriety sex was not one of my priorities and my wife was still working on forgiving the old me and getting used to the new me.
Today I no longer have SEX, I make love because I am sober.
My sex drive is lower now that I have been sober for a while, but considering I was beyond over sexed when I was drinking I have to guess it is kind of normal now, in early sobriety sex was not one of my priorities and my wife was still working on forgiving the old me and getting used to the new me.
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