vegascwgrl

On this site, in life, in my relationship! I am dating a recovering alcoholic. He is 4 years sober and we have been dating for 7 months. We met through work and used to go to work functions and after work gatherings at different bars and clubs. I didn't really pay attention to the fact that he only ever had soda or energy drinks, probably because I don't drink much myself. We started dating and it was like I had known him forever, really close, really quick and very intense. He was honest with me from the beginning about being involved in AA and I respect it and am very proud of him for it. We are in our 20's and to be sober in Vegas has to be tough. We moved in together and I don't know if the arguments we have been having since then are normal living together arguments or if they are because of his alcoholic personality. We used to go out on dates and when we met like I mentioned we were in bars and clubs and parties. Now we are hermits. He doesn't like to go out and he says I can if I want to, but I am tired of being the girl who's antisocial boyfriend is never with her. I have attended some AA meetings with him and I am thinking about attending Al Anon, however much of what I have heard or read is about people who have been around since the non sober days and how that has affected them. I have only known him sober, I have only known him as what he is now. I just don't know whether these issues that we have are anything to do with AA and the program and I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about it or anyway to get another side. All I have is what he tells me and for all I know he could be spinning everything to be a "symptom" Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated.
Thank you in advance

denny57

Welcome, vegascwgirl, glad you're here!

The best question is whether you are happy in the relationship, period.

Relationships that start really close, really quick, really intense have red flag written all over them.

Al-Anon and therapy helped me a lot.

Keep posting.

sunshine321

You don't really describe the behaviors that you are questioning. What's going on that has you concerned (besides him being antisocial)?

Jenny

vegascwgrl

He is different than when we first started dating, he is inconsistent about what he wants. He does things with me then will tell me that he only did it because he knew it would make me happy. He will tell me that he liked hanging out with my friends then in the next little while will say that he never wants to have to sit over there with my friends for hours again. He wants to spend time with his friends, but whenever I offer to do things with them he has an excuse as to why they can't or are flakes or whatever. He wants alone time, but when I make plans for myself to go out by myself or with my girl friends, I am given a guilt trip about what is he going to do and how long will I be gone etc. He says he isn't going to enough meetings, but when I tell him he should go and he can go whenever he wants that I won't be upset he says he is too tired after working all day to go to them. I feel like I can't win when it comes to pleasing him and when we fight I have a tendancy to shut down and just remain quiet because anything I say he has an answer for!

Barbara52

For me, any relationship where I had to work too hard to please my partner would be a relationship I would be questioning whether I wanted to work that hard.

Some of what you describe sounds like attempts at controlling you. Do you want to be controlled?

Jazzman

Sounds to me like you guys met inside his normal comfort zone, (work) but venture outside often, (social/bars?). I've noticed people will occasionally venture outside their comfort zone but rarely embrace it. Maybe you're not ready to be half of a boring married couple? (That didn't come out right but I think you get my point). LOL!!

hbb

Hey there, i can relate, me and my exab started dating last October (still drinking), he was so into me and my family and friends. We did everything together he went anywhere i wanted to go. As the months went on (stopped drinking Dec.) he never wanted to go out unless it was his horseshoe night or darts. Other than that we became hermits in bed by 8. It's like they do what they have to in the beginning but then don't hold up and i totally agree with the being out of the comfort zone. Mine was that way and slowly crept back to his old ways. I've come to learn that people generally don't change (personality wise) and this is him with/without alcohol. Just know your not alone and keep posting. This site is awesome for support and love

mjpaao

Vegas,
Nice to see you here, welcome. I don't have much advice for your relationship, however, I am a recovering alcoholic. Red flags went up for me after reading that you were in bars, clubs, etc. If your bf has been sober only 4 years, that's dangerous territory for him, Imho. I was taught this in rehab, not a good idea to hang out where you can smell, touch or drink alcohol.
I'm not sure why he's not going out a lot now, could be he's feeling a little unsure of himself and is just trying to stay out of trouble. My whole social life used to be in bars and restaurants, it's not real easy becoming a boring sober person. When I was in rehab, things suggested to do were bowling, hiking, picnics, etc. Not your usual kind of fun nightlife. Maybe it's time to think about what you want in a relationship and if this will work for you. I'm sure you don't want to put him in any kind of situation where he may be tempted, I can tell he means a great deal to you.
Best of luck!

CBrown

Hi vegascwgirl!

Your story really struck me as being similar to my mom's. When she and my dad first got married they went to plays, parties, etc. Then my dad suffered a nervous breakdown and became extremely anti-social. My mom spent a lot of miserable years going to everywhere on her own because it was that or she wouldn't go anywhere. Think long and hard about continuing a relationship with someone who doesn't have the same interests. I just don't know that you can be happy with that long-term. Good thing you're only dating and not married!

DesertEyes

Hi there Vegas

I'm in Vegas too, and there's tons of great AA and al-anon all over. Here's the al-anon meets that I like best

Tuesday
12:00pm (NS)
Summerlin Nooners, Desert Springs Methodist Church 120 Pavilion Center Dr. (W. of Town Center N of Alta) Loretta -873-6575

7:00pm (NS)
Green Valley Stepping Stones, 3565 Post Road unit 112, (off Pecos, 1 block No. of Sunset Rd.)

Wednesday
7:00pm (NS)
Growing One Step At A Time, Annex Building 1001-A, Arizona St. Boulder City NV
(behind Boulder City Credit Union) contact: Tricia -294-1329

7:00pm (NS)
Fear Busters, St. Thomas Moore Catholic Church, 130 No. Pecos Rd. Henderson NV
(Pecos & Wigwam) contact: Kelly 702 361-2153

additional meets here:

http://www.nevadaal-anon.org/sonvmeetinglist.html

Tricia, from the Wed nite "Growing One Step At A Time", is an awesome lady, also ask there for Daydree, another wonderful alanoid I won't be able to make those meets next week, but I might see you there next week.

Mike