QU31

I haven't posted on this forum in awhile, but I had sort of a major revelation this past week and wanted to share. A brief summary of my story...grew up oldest of 5 kids, dad was alcoholic, now dating a recovering alcoholic. I've been attending Al Anon for a few years, but mostly thinking about my own recovery in the context of my relationship with my boyfriend. Then, this summer, I had several family disasters happen: my little sister went into rehab after revealing she drank 30 beers a day, purges ten times and day and engages in self-injurious behavior. Getting her there was tough, because she was basically in the midst of a psychotic break and acting like she was possessed by Satan. Next my mom was in a car accident, was black and blue, had a big swollen head and couldn't move for several weeks. All this after my boyfriend lost his job, was diagnosed bipolar, declared bankruptcy and foreclosed on his house which we were living in. What a summer, right? And what did I do? I took care of everyone. Signed the affadavit to have my sister committed, found a place for her to go to rehab, found us a new house, took care of my mom while she was incapacitated and let her sleep in my bed, tried to help my boyfriend find a job. To top it all off, the sister who was in rehab was dropped off on my doorstep by another family-member who couldn't deal with her because she was suicidal, so now she's at my house too!

Well, last week, I started getting really pi$$ed off. Really, really angry. I was doing all these things for other people and wasn't even getting a "thank you" in return. I decided there must be a reason I was getting treated like crap and started doing research on roles in alcoholic families, and sure enough mine was the "hero." The hero rarely gets their needs met by others. Every one of my siblings filled a different role just perfectly.

This was the first time I REALLY grasped the fact that I am sick....just as sick as any of the alcoholics that are around me, if not sicker, because of the severely maladaptive behaviors I've been practicing since I was about 16 (I'm 35 now). FINALLY, I know what "taking care of me" means. How I'm going to undo these behaviors, I don't know yet...I'm sure the answers will come though. Just realizing my own part in this mess has given me the greatest sense of serenity.

Last night in an Al Anon meeting, I heard more than one person say they are so grateful they married alcoholics because that is what brought them to Al Anon. Once they got there, they realized what a complex system this family disease is and how it extends way beyond that one alcoholic who takes the blame for all the pain in the family. So for me, it's now time to work on those family of origin issues....what got me here in the first place. It's not going to be easy. I don't know how to say "no." Heck, I even realized I don't even know the difference between what is right and what is wrong half the time.

So, this has been a really long post. If you're still reading, thanks. One thing I wanted to get across though is that nearly every thread on this forum is made by someone talking about the alcoholic and what should they do about the alcoholic. I would love to know more about how all of my SR friends are doing in their OWN recoveries. What are YOU working on? What hobbies do YOU have? How do you take care of YOURSELVES? What makes you happy and what are you grateful for????

Rella927

What are YOU working on?
Well me of course!
Currently I have been working on applying ACTION with all of my intentions..instead of crawling back into my box (my safe place)...staying stuck or becoming stuck when a hard challenge comes up for me is not an option anymore-

What hobbies do YOU have?

I love scrapbooking, making jewelry,going on long drives, walking on the trails, walking through the water at the beach, spending time with my fur baby, and my friends

How do you take care of YOURSELVES?

I attend meetings, do my breathing exercises, take a bath, go for long drives-log on to SR, keep reminding myself that I have choices....I can feel....this is my life and the only person in charge of me is ME! Anything and everything I can to stay balanced and centered!

What makes you happy and what are you grateful for????

Grateful for my HP, programs, SR, my friends, my family, my job, my fur baby, the sunshining on my face this morning!

And by the way QU31 awesome job on YOU!

denny57

Hey there, QU31! Congratulations on your breakthrough - it's a great day

I'm working on me, too. Also been working on getting my house ready to be put on the market - had an open house this weekend. I'm still working at the career I love - the one I thought I wouldn't have alone; I'm also about to purchase another investment business that offers me even more opportunities for creativity and growth. A new hobby I'm just taking up is learning to weld. It's something I've always wanted to do and someone I met in one of my meetings is teaching me.

I take care of myself by putting my own needs first - that has allowed me to give more fully and freely to those I love.

Being alive and well - that makes me happy. It means I can spend time with friends and family; I can travel. I'm learning every day what it means to live life on life's terms.

I am grateful for the serenity and joy I have in my life today. Every morning I wake up eager to see what the day will hold. I am grateful I've been given this opportunity to grown and learn.

Keep posting! ((()))

QU31

Thanks guys...I like to know the little things that make people so interesting, like welding and making jewelry.

I have had a breakthrough, but it was preceded by a lot of pain...funny how life has to work like that!

Buffalo66

Congrats. Its good to feel like you are moving in any direction, when things have been sitting in one spot for so long.

I love to go see movies by myself. It is such a decadent treat.

I am grateful for the capacity to love that I am being put back into contact with by my HP. I had become SOOOOOO angry, so hung up,bitter. I became physically sick. I am now remembering that I was and am a loving happy person, and that there is enough love to go all the way around the universe. I am infinite. I had begun to feel like my little life was just shrinking. I had become tiny. My life had become this box that was getting smaller everyday... I am so grateful to have kicked open the lid and climbed out!!!

I am grateful for my son. What a joyful creature. I love to smell his hair(he is 2) I love the way he loves without fear. I want to nurture that and let it grow in him, and I want to nurture it and let it grow AGAIN in me.

GlassPrisoner

Hi QU31, did I just hear something "click" ?

Stick around, you're in good hands here.

SaTiT

I had an extremely hard time accepting i was codependent.
it would take pain and a lot of pain on me to start reserching
or reading on codependcy. Even with more knowlege, i was still sick.
I can relate to what was writen in books or here on SR.
I would contuniue to go into a cycle of codependcy..stuff
that I havn't experinced prior to reading those informations.

I didn't understand codependency..yet alone to accept it.
But finding myself doing things that in my right mind I wouldn't do.
especailly after i read about it...it didn't open my eyes, but rather
it was a process of me accepting it. it would take years for me to
get some clearity from me sufferning pain over and over again.

Being seperated again and again gave me a little bit of clearity
or a sense of what it's like to feel well. I started to observe my
body's reactions. Being around my GF or having contacts with her
I would get a sense of having a fever, i bascailly felt sick. it was subttle
but i felt it everytime...only at first, but the longer i stay with her,
i became accustom to the sickness...until i hit another deeper bottom.
Then i would reach out more, study more...
I'm what you would call a chronic codependency relapser, as in an alki
relapsing over and over again.

Taking care of myself has been always a difficult challenge. All of the guilt
gose through my thoughts and mind. I find it very, very difficult to take
care of my needs first, but i would give everything I have to my GF at a
drop of a dime...no matter the consequnces. Logially I can make it out,
but my actions or decisions is totally backwards from logic.

I have yet to done anything for myself in the pass 3 years.
All of my hobbie, music, carreer, dreams had been put on hold.
All of my energy is spent on my GF and her problems or her wants.
Trying to repair wreackages that can't be repaired.

I actaully pick up my guitar and played it yesterday. it brought me peace,
yet i have a difficult time sticking through with it...just a simple example.

I find doing and living for myself piontless. There's deep rooted guilt
or sometype of mental block somewhere...consicousely or sub consicousely.

I dug out 3 tree stomps yesterday..I'm hoping something would click
inside of me. Somehow if i took certain actions that's not directly
involve my gf or me. i dug all day..to remove those tree stomps that's
been imbeded in the yard..it took a lot of works. I'm hoping it would
carry over into my personal life for those deep rooted guilts or mental blocks.
It's another baby step..I guess.

I'm getting better in someways. In years past i use to beat up on myself
and go into a deep depression for making mistakes and not getting right.
I don't do that today. I just hope something would click inside of me, that
somehow I won't make the mistakes again and again. There's a crazy learning
curve and i'm a bit slow when it comes to codependency and taking care of
myself. Logically i can make it out..but i don't act according to logic.
If there is a god, i need help bad. I feel so powerless over my codependency.

QU31

SaTit,

I could sit here and write, don't be so hard on yourself, but I'm sure people tell you that all the time! And I know what you mean about getting sick. I got so sick last week I missed 4 days of work last week, which is unlike me. I believe I hit a bottom then. I wasn't expecting it....it just happened. I had the flu, I was mentally, physically, emotionally and financially drained, and I got very angry. But this bottom led to awareness. I'm sure there will be many more in the future. I've had them in the past too, but now somehow, some of those past awarenesses seem trivial. I guess that is what growth is all about. First I had to learn I couldn't change other people. I accepted that and I'm cool with that. Then I had to learn I couldn't control them either, and I'm cool with that too. My recent awareness is much more focused on me, and I never thought I'd be so grateful to realize how sick I am, but really, it has been such a relief!! Especially since I know there's a cure (or at least treatment...btw, have you tried Al Anon?)

At the same time, life will always be hard. My mom has a huge house that is full of junk and she just sold the house and is closing in about 2 weeks. How she's going to move that stuff, I have no idea. I already know how it's going to play out...she'll wait until the last possible moment, then call me and try to get me to rent a truck (and pay for it), find people to help (and probably pay them), and move all the stuff somewhere. She will come to me, not my siblings. She already did this last month with moving the contents of my sister's apartment and of course I came to the rescue. I've done so much for other people this summer that I'm exhausted. Totally, physically exhausted. So, you know what? I'm going to say no. Maybe that makes me a bitch, but that's what I'm going to do. And I know it's going to be really, really, really hard. As hard as an alcoholic turning down a frosty cold beer on a hot summer day after digging up three tree stumps! My boyfriend says I'm going to cave in (thanks for the confidence, right?!) We'll see!!!!

denny57

No, it doesn't.

Barbara52

First off you are not a bitch to put your foot down and say no to being used. That is a healthy thing to do.

Now to answer someof your quesitons:

What are YOU working on?
Me, in general but specifically on figuring out why I continue to follow the learned behaviors I got growing up with 2 alcoholic parents. It feels good working on these issues finally.

I'm also working on remembering and finding the strong self-assured Barbara that was arounf until I make the stupid choice of marrying an alcoholic. I have made so much progress already since leaving him. It feels wonderful to back in touch with the real me.

What hobbies do YOU have?

I do a lot of counted cross stitch as my favorit form of relaxing. Its calming to do the stitiching while watching tv or listening to music. I actually make some money on the side with it now and then too. I sold one piece for $250 once. I will be in a craft fair later this year and hope to make several hundred at least off it.

How do you take care of YOURSELVES?

I enjoy the freedom I have since leaving AH. I can do what I want, when I want and don't have to struggle to makeends meet. I am doing a lot of reading and contemplating. I have done a few individual counseling sessions that helped immensely.

What makes you happy and what are you grateful for????

At the moment, life itself makes me happy. I mean I feel happy for the first time in years! Its wonderful to just enjoy love life with all its ups and downs.

I am grateful that I have been so blessed by God to have found my strength again and to have good friends (here an in the real world) to share experiences with.

duet_4-8

Is that not just the most incredible thing to realize???? The same thing happened to me a few months ago, and although it has not been easy, for the first time in my life (I am 50) I am content, at peace, and just happy to be me.

"What are YOU working on?"
myself. not my exah. not my kids. not my mom. not my sister. just ME!!!

"What hobbies do YOU have?"
photography, scrapbooking, writing, theatre, music, gardening, reading, dogs.
not exactly a hobby-but I have gone back to school to finish a degree that I started 15 years ago in early childhood education

"How do you take care of YOURSELF?"
I have actually started eating healthier and taking vitamins, calcium, and Omega-3. I am SO much more relaxed since exah has been gone (still have episodes of drama occasionally but they don't bother me much anymore...)
Next on my list is starting a moderate walking program

"What makes you happy and what are you grateful for????"
my new grandaughter who I care for every day. my 11 year old son, my 20 year old son, my 25 year old son and daughter-in-law. my life. God.

Thanks, great post!!

QU31

Thanks everyone, I love to know all these little things about you. Another amazing thing is that the farther I get in my recovery, the more I am interested in other people. Not "saving" them, just knowing them. I realized I didn't answer the questions. So here I go:

What are YOU working on?
Me, of course, learning not to work on others, trying to get in good enough shape that I can swim competively again, decorating my house, studying for the GRE

What hobbies do YOU have?
Swimming, running, hanging out with my kitties, going out for coffee. I don't like a lot of TV, but there are a few shows I can't resist. Right now it's Rock of Love.

How do you take care of YOURSELVES?

Al Anon, leaving the house when I need to. Telling people I need space (a newly acquired skill), swimming, running, learning new stuff related to my field

What makes you happy and what are you grateful for????
My job...I love my job, my recovering alcoholic boyfriend (the reason I came to Al Anon), my crazy family, mountains, and this morning, I saw my 13 year old cat climb way up a tree! I was so proud of her.