What to do for sons???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Lehigh Acres, FL
Posts: 1
What to do for sons???
Hi All,
I'm not sure really where to start my story... so I will just give a little run down of the past few years of our lives...
Up until August of 2003 our family was a pretty "normal" family with all the "normal" stuff going on at home...at least what we considered "normal" raising three young boys...15, 10 and 9. Life was good.
In August of 2003 my husband suddenly died. He went to work one day, had an accident, was on life support over night, life support was discontinued as he was brain dead. He died. I became a widow at 39 and an instant single parent with 3 young sons...all of us dealing with the grief over such a huge loss in our lives.
I coped by increasing my 1 pack a week cigarette habit up to 2 packs a day. I didn't know it then, but my 15 year old son started coping by using pot. I knew he smoked cigarettes but had no idea he was using pot too. My 2 little ones coped by not doing well in school and always worrying if I was going to die as suddenly as Daddy did. I did the best I could do to help them deal with their grief. We talked openly about the loss of Daddy and cried together a lot. I got them into counseling but that didn't go too well. They wouldn't open up to the counselor. They said they just wanted to talk with me about their loss. We managed...just the four of us together. We actually became very close during this time in our lives. Although we were a close family, the kids still struggled in school and found it hard to concentrate on school work so their grades took a beating. I got them tutors, tried to help the best I knew how, but still they really had a hard time in school.
Fast forward...I met a wonderful man. He had been widowed also. He had/has two sons. We dated, fell in love and got married. His youngest son is in the Navy and has never lived with us. His older son (ss23) lived with us for 2 years. We ended up having to kick him out last year due to his drug problems...pot, cocaine and alcohol. We did a family intervention for him, he went to detox, then to a half-way house, then got kicked out of the half-way house. We told him we love him but we would not enable him any longer. He had to want to get better and it had to come from him, not us. There is a lot more to that whole saga but that's the short version. We went through hell and back for a long time with him and his drug use. He's now working full time and has held down a job for almost a year now. He's been alcohol free for almost a year too but still does pot claiming "it's not a drug because it's natural." When he comes to visit his eyes are so red and blood shot...he looks horrible. If I mention the pot to him he declares "I'm sober. I haven't even touched alcohol."
My oldest bio son, 19, had an incident when he was 17. He was arrested for possession of pot. We got a call in the middle of the night from the police department telling us to come get our son. I wanted to leave him there for 24 hours to scare the crap out of him but the police department said I had to take him home. He swore up and down that it wasn't his; that it fell out of the pocket of one of his friends. Anyway, he got community service and ordered to attend a 6 class program for drug abuse...not to mention that at home, all his privledges were taken away from him...no car, no friends over and we kept very tight tabs on him when he went to work and school. He's 19 now and going to college full time while living at home. He's doing very good in college and seems to really like it. He does openly admit that he still smokes pot. He knows that I don't agree with it. He says he does it on the weekends with his friends at their houses. He's of the same belief as his step-brother...It's natural so it's not a drug. I've talked and talked and talked to him about smoking pot. He says it's not out of control and he "only" does it on the weekends. I don't know what to do about this situation either. I don't ever see him with it or ever see him smoking it...yet I know he does it because he tells me so.
So far we've put a son through rehab and had to get another out of juvi. Which now brings me to my youngest two sons...now 14 and 15. I was reading on my 14yo myspace last week and was very upset and SHOCKED at what I read. He talked about getting stoned and drunk...not just recently but even back to 2 years ago. I was in disbelief of what I was reading. I have never seen him drunk or even looking stoned...as I have seen that look with the older ones and know what it looks like. I confronted him with what I read and asked a lot of questions. He got defensive, got mad that I was reading on his myspace (to which I told him that's what a good parent does), started blaming me for everything wrong in his life. Needless to say this past week in our house has not been a good one. I've talked to his school, to friend's parents, to teachers, etc. His interim on Friday was horrible...3 F's, 2 D's and a couple C's. Trying to get him to even open a book is like pulling teeth out. The only good thing is that he is in football right now and he really loves it. It's the first thing he's showed any interest in at all since his father died...so we are making a big deal out of this for him and have gotten involved and go to every game. Well, last night after we got home from his football game, I caught him outside on the patio with a rolled up piece of aluminum foil. I grabbed it from him and smelled it. It smelled like pot. He finally told me that a "friend" gave it to him but would not tell me which friend. Today has been very tense around here. I am getting ready to talk with all three boys but I honeslty don't know what to say. I guess I will just have to start the conversation and see where it leads.
I know I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and I have made a lot of mistakes since loosing my husband to death. I did the best I could at the time. I know there were times that I probably should have noticed things were going on but I didn't. I just don't want my two youngest ones ending up in jail, hooked on drugs, dropping out of school, etc. What can I do at this stage of the game? I seriously don't know what to do. I don't want to push them away but I want them to know that it won't be tolerated.
HELP!!!
Worried Mom
I'm not sure really where to start my story... so I will just give a little run down of the past few years of our lives...
Up until August of 2003 our family was a pretty "normal" family with all the "normal" stuff going on at home...at least what we considered "normal" raising three young boys...15, 10 and 9. Life was good.
In August of 2003 my husband suddenly died. He went to work one day, had an accident, was on life support over night, life support was discontinued as he was brain dead. He died. I became a widow at 39 and an instant single parent with 3 young sons...all of us dealing with the grief over such a huge loss in our lives.
I coped by increasing my 1 pack a week cigarette habit up to 2 packs a day. I didn't know it then, but my 15 year old son started coping by using pot. I knew he smoked cigarettes but had no idea he was using pot too. My 2 little ones coped by not doing well in school and always worrying if I was going to die as suddenly as Daddy did. I did the best I could do to help them deal with their grief. We talked openly about the loss of Daddy and cried together a lot. I got them into counseling but that didn't go too well. They wouldn't open up to the counselor. They said they just wanted to talk with me about their loss. We managed...just the four of us together. We actually became very close during this time in our lives. Although we were a close family, the kids still struggled in school and found it hard to concentrate on school work so their grades took a beating. I got them tutors, tried to help the best I knew how, but still they really had a hard time in school.
Fast forward...I met a wonderful man. He had been widowed also. He had/has two sons. We dated, fell in love and got married. His youngest son is in the Navy and has never lived with us. His older son (ss23) lived with us for 2 years. We ended up having to kick him out last year due to his drug problems...pot, cocaine and alcohol. We did a family intervention for him, he went to detox, then to a half-way house, then got kicked out of the half-way house. We told him we love him but we would not enable him any longer. He had to want to get better and it had to come from him, not us. There is a lot more to that whole saga but that's the short version. We went through hell and back for a long time with him and his drug use. He's now working full time and has held down a job for almost a year now. He's been alcohol free for almost a year too but still does pot claiming "it's not a drug because it's natural." When he comes to visit his eyes are so red and blood shot...he looks horrible. If I mention the pot to him he declares "I'm sober. I haven't even touched alcohol."
My oldest bio son, 19, had an incident when he was 17. He was arrested for possession of pot. We got a call in the middle of the night from the police department telling us to come get our son. I wanted to leave him there for 24 hours to scare the crap out of him but the police department said I had to take him home. He swore up and down that it wasn't his; that it fell out of the pocket of one of his friends. Anyway, he got community service and ordered to attend a 6 class program for drug abuse...not to mention that at home, all his privledges were taken away from him...no car, no friends over and we kept very tight tabs on him when he went to work and school. He's 19 now and going to college full time while living at home. He's doing very good in college and seems to really like it. He does openly admit that he still smokes pot. He knows that I don't agree with it. He says he does it on the weekends with his friends at their houses. He's of the same belief as his step-brother...It's natural so it's not a drug. I've talked and talked and talked to him about smoking pot. He says it's not out of control and he "only" does it on the weekends. I don't know what to do about this situation either. I don't ever see him with it or ever see him smoking it...yet I know he does it because he tells me so.
So far we've put a son through rehab and had to get another out of juvi. Which now brings me to my youngest two sons...now 14 and 15. I was reading on my 14yo myspace last week and was very upset and SHOCKED at what I read. He talked about getting stoned and drunk...not just recently but even back to 2 years ago. I was in disbelief of what I was reading. I have never seen him drunk or even looking stoned...as I have seen that look with the older ones and know what it looks like. I confronted him with what I read and asked a lot of questions. He got defensive, got mad that I was reading on his myspace (to which I told him that's what a good parent does), started blaming me for everything wrong in his life. Needless to say this past week in our house has not been a good one. I've talked to his school, to friend's parents, to teachers, etc. His interim on Friday was horrible...3 F's, 2 D's and a couple C's. Trying to get him to even open a book is like pulling teeth out. The only good thing is that he is in football right now and he really loves it. It's the first thing he's showed any interest in at all since his father died...so we are making a big deal out of this for him and have gotten involved and go to every game. Well, last night after we got home from his football game, I caught him outside on the patio with a rolled up piece of aluminum foil. I grabbed it from him and smelled it. It smelled like pot. He finally told me that a "friend" gave it to him but would not tell me which friend. Today has been very tense around here. I am getting ready to talk with all three boys but I honeslty don't know what to say. I guess I will just have to start the conversation and see where it leads.
I know I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and I have made a lot of mistakes since loosing my husband to death. I did the best I could at the time. I know there were times that I probably should have noticed things were going on but I didn't. I just don't want my two youngest ones ending up in jail, hooked on drugs, dropping out of school, etc. What can I do at this stage of the game? I seriously don't know what to do. I don't want to push them away but I want them to know that it won't be tolerated.
HELP!!!
Worried Mom
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Danville,Va
Posts: 304
Mom's don't look for trouble til it smacks 'em in the face. I was ever naive where my kids were concerned. I guess I still am.
My son started drinking when he was 13. My ad as well.
I don't know why they began like that. I guess they thought it was cool. They had addictive personalities and it took them over.
All the talking and interventions in the world didn't help my son. He was determined to self destruct.
My ad is still drinking and using and I'm still waiting for her to see. If her brother showed her nothing then nothing can help her except God.
Good luck worriedmamabear, I'll be praying for you and your family. Your boys are still young and with God's help you'll reach them.
Trish
My son started drinking when he was 13. My ad as well.
I don't know why they began like that. I guess they thought it was cool. They had addictive personalities and it took them over.
All the talking and interventions in the world didn't help my son. He was determined to self destruct.
My ad is still drinking and using and I'm still waiting for her to see. If her brother showed her nothing then nothing can help her except God.
Good luck worriedmamabear, I'll be praying for you and your family. Your boys are still young and with God's help you'll reach them.
Trish
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: GA
Posts: 49
I have always found that acting from the perspective of being a parent and not their friend always gives me clarity. I need to care for my kid and if he doesn't like what I say or what I do on his behalf - so what, I 'm repsonsible for him. For me it's not a popularity contest, I want to do what I know is right and if they get mad, they get mad. We can only pray that down the road, they say "thanks for keeping on me and not letting me go down the toilet". That may or may not happen, but doing the right thing ALWAYS, irrespective of how the kids react, is the best path to take in my opinion.
Take, for example, the pot thing and their comment that "it's natural..." Well, if you want to set a boundary that says to the 19 year old, if you want to smoke pot, you have to live somewhere else and you will be drug tested in my house if you want to live here...son, it's your choice.
Be strong and Do the right thing!
LH
Take, for example, the pot thing and their comment that "it's natural..." Well, if you want to set a boundary that says to the 19 year old, if you want to smoke pot, you have to live somewhere else and you will be drug tested in my house if you want to live here...son, it's your choice.
Be strong and Do the right thing!
LH
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
My son started out on pot too, and turned to herion among other things. My heart and prayers are going out to you. Stay strong and you will know what is best for you. I pray that the younger too get it before they get hooked.
Hugs from another mom
Hugs from another mom
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I firmly believe that if your child is going to become an addict there is nothing that you can do to change the outcome. My daughter did not do drugs in high school. She really was the perfect child, graduated 6th in her class and was a cheerleader and a youth group leader at her church. Not much out of the ordinary about her growing up years. The problem was that when she turned 18 there were other influences in her life that had nothing to do with me. And like the majority of young adults she tried drugs. Since she was born with that gene for addiction, it did not take her long to become a full-blown addict. If I had known then what I know now, I could have saved myself a couple of years of pain by letting her go then. But I tried to control her addiction and her life. Addiction won. It sounds to me that you did everything you could as a mom. You brought your boys up with love. That is the most important thing. What they do when they become adults is really out of your control. The younger one you still have some influence over since he is a minor. But the 19 year old will make his own choices and the only thing you can do other than loving him is let him suffer the consequences for his using. Don't cushion his fall, don't give him money that makes it easier to get his drugs. Hugs to you and prayers that things go well with your talk. Hugs, Marle
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
I echo ladyjane's Moms don't look for trouble til it smacks them in the face.
It was like that for me. Suddenly I was aware AS was in trouble and using drugs.
I found attending face to face Alanon meetings a lifesaver. I needed a program of recovery to help me as his mother, to learn detachment, how not to enable, and how to let go. I was depressed , upset, unable to comprehend what was happening to AS until I learned more about son's addiction and what I could and could not do
about it.
Read the stickies at the top of this forum. A message to new parents of addicts is very helpful.
Welcome to SR.
It was like that for me. Suddenly I was aware AS was in trouble and using drugs.
I found attending face to face Alanon meetings a lifesaver. I needed a program of recovery to help me as his mother, to learn detachment, how not to enable, and how to let go. I was depressed , upset, unable to comprehend what was happening to AS until I learned more about son's addiction and what I could and could not do
about it.
Read the stickies at the top of this forum. A message to new parents of addicts is very helpful.
Welcome to SR.
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
hi worried Mama,
I echo what the others say, and am very new here also. I know they say that mom's don't recognize till it smacks them in the face, but I think I did see it but refused to accept it. I am amazed at what I can hide even from my self. This site has opened my eyes so its hard not to see things realistically although very painfully. By reading your post you should be proud of what you accomplished as a single mom and as a step-mom.
I echo what the others say, and am very new here also. I know they say that mom's don't recognize till it smacks them in the face, but I think I did see it but refused to accept it. I am amazed at what I can hide even from my self. This site has opened my eyes so its hard not to see things realistically although very painfully. By reading your post you should be proud of what you accomplished as a single mom and as a step-mom.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Hi and welcome Mama,
I have two sons. One is still in jail the other out, but struggling to make it.
I can tell you that I did every single thing a parent could possibly do and it got me absolutley no where.
I had to let them fall.
You have been through so much already and now have to live with the two boys' addictions. I"m sorry you have to deal with this.
Have you talked to any counselor at their school? Maybe you could all develop some sort of proaction plan.
A lot of the time, keeping them busy keeps them clean too.
I have two sons. One is still in jail the other out, but struggling to make it.
I can tell you that I did every single thing a parent could possibly do and it got me absolutley no where.
I had to let them fall.
You have been through so much already and now have to live with the two boys' addictions. I"m sorry you have to deal with this.
Have you talked to any counselor at their school? Maybe you could all develop some sort of proaction plan.
A lot of the time, keeping them busy keeps them clean too.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: media, pa
Posts: 243
I heard an interesting fact on Meet the Press this morning, that if you have dinner with your kids 5 or more times a week, the chances of the kids doing drugs drops dramatically.
More to the point,
I am a recovering pothead, and I can attest that some people can be addicted to weed. Weed is often a 'companion' to other drugs, which is often why many people assert it is the 'gateway' drug.
However, not all kids who smoke pot become addicts. In fact, most casual smokers eventually quit on their own. It depends on the frequency and intensity of the habit, imo.
The positive side is it's relatively easier to 'detox' for marijuana addiction. However, the subculture of marijuana is so pervasive that it is often difficult to make a child 'want' to quit.
For a long time I used to joke that I didn't do drugs, I just smoked weed. Weed is organic and from the earth, therefore it must not be a drug. But we all know it changes the state of mind, and helps people escape from reality.
There can be harsh penalties for possession, especially over 1 ounce. I hope it doesn't take an incarceration, or worse, an 'upgrade' to 'harder' drugs for there to be a change.
Wishing you well,
Dave
More to the point,
I am a recovering pothead, and I can attest that some people can be addicted to weed. Weed is often a 'companion' to other drugs, which is often why many people assert it is the 'gateway' drug.
However, not all kids who smoke pot become addicts. In fact, most casual smokers eventually quit on their own. It depends on the frequency and intensity of the habit, imo.
The positive side is it's relatively easier to 'detox' for marijuana addiction. However, the subculture of marijuana is so pervasive that it is often difficult to make a child 'want' to quit.
For a long time I used to joke that I didn't do drugs, I just smoked weed. Weed is organic and from the earth, therefore it must not be a drug. But we all know it changes the state of mind, and helps people escape from reality.
There can be harsh penalties for possession, especially over 1 ounce. I hope it doesn't take an incarceration, or worse, an 'upgrade' to 'harder' drugs for there to be a change.
Wishing you well,
Dave
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Heroin comes from the poppy plant. Cocaine from coca leaves. So do they qualify as "from the earth". My point being the drug does not matter, if you are an addict, you are an addict, and pot can be just as addicting and destructive, although it may take longer to lose everything than someone who does the harder drugs. Hugs, Marle
I'm HOME!!!!!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
Just wanted to welcome you to SR!!! I don't have any words of advice, just wanted to say, you've found a safe place to land here. There will be many words of advice, and as they say...take what you need and leave the rest.
Please don't blame yourself. There are no perfect parents, we do the best we can, with what we have. We all have places we can point back to and say....if only I had done this instead of that....but really...it probably wouldn't have changed the outcome.
Again...WELCOME
Please don't blame yourself. There are no perfect parents, we do the best we can, with what we have. We all have places we can point back to and say....if only I had done this instead of that....but really...it probably wouldn't have changed the outcome.
Again...WELCOME
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Hey Mama bear
My son is my addict. He's all of 17 years old, just now finishing his 5th stay at rehab and is on his way to oxford house, a sober recovery home. My advice? Take a deep breath, start reading about addiction and codependence and growing yourself. Take life one day at a time. The best thing that ever happened to my son was his getting arrested. I had him arrested several times and a few times of his own making. It was the reality check that he needed. Good luck with your talk.
krhea
My son is my addict. He's all of 17 years old, just now finishing his 5th stay at rehab and is on his way to oxford house, a sober recovery home. My advice? Take a deep breath, start reading about addiction and codependence and growing yourself. Take life one day at a time. The best thing that ever happened to my son was his getting arrested. I had him arrested several times and a few times of his own making. It was the reality check that he needed. Good luck with your talk.
krhea
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i welcome to S.R. i am the mother of an addict son.he started drinking at 17yrs. old.he is now 36. his drinking turned to crack.i love my son very much.he was put in rehab when he was 17. he did ok for awhile & was raight back to the drinking. i promise you this is not your fault. i took the blame for all my sons problems untill a few yrs ago.today i have learned i did not CAUSE it,i can not CONTROL it & i can not CURE it. i wish i had learned this yrs. ago.i am so much more at peace with my self & the turmol around me. i feel your pain. until they decide that they do not want this there is nothing you can do,nothing.the younger ones you can punish but they will do it anyway. i am sorry u r going thru this. set boundries on what you will not tolerate & stick to them.pray for them & i will do the same.take care of YOU & keep coming back.there is alot of support here. i am sorry i came in late on this. prayers, hope
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
MamaBear,
Welcome to Sober recovery, glad you're here.
Not sure what kind of log I was under when my sons were teens and using, but I just didn't see it. and I was so GULLIBLE, I believed every excuse they handed me. But when I did find out, I did the best I could with what I had.
It's all we can do.
The only remdy I have is for You, and that is Alanon meetings. They saved my sanity.
My thoughts and prayers are with you...and your sons,
Welcome to Sober recovery, glad you're here.
Not sure what kind of log I was under when my sons were teens and using, but I just didn't see it. and I was so GULLIBLE, I believed every excuse they handed me. But when I did find out, I did the best I could with what I had.
It's all we can do.
The only remdy I have is for You, and that is Alanon meetings. They saved my sanity.
My thoughts and prayers are with you...and your sons,
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Mama,
Welcome to SR. You've found a great source for information and support. Take advantage of it. You will hear people share their stories, experience, strength and hope. LISTEN and LEARN. There are wise folks here who have walked this road before you and are living happy, productive and peaceful (for the most part) lives despite the fact that addiction has touched their lives.
I, too, would recommend some face to face Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings. I know they have helped me tremendously (I have an addicted daughter who is in recovery) and I wouldn't ever want to go back to the way I was living pre-meetings.
Hope to see you around some more,
Hangin' In
Welcome to SR. You've found a great source for information and support. Take advantage of it. You will hear people share their stories, experience, strength and hope. LISTEN and LEARN. There are wise folks here who have walked this road before you and are living happy, productive and peaceful (for the most part) lives despite the fact that addiction has touched their lives.
I, too, would recommend some face to face Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings. I know they have helped me tremendously (I have an addicted daughter who is in recovery) and I wouldn't ever want to go back to the way I was living pre-meetings.
Hope to see you around some more,
Hangin' In
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Another mom here. Both my kids - daughter's drug of choice is meth, son prefers pot and alcohol.
I am a believer that there is a genetic predisposition to becoming an addict/alcoholic... it runs in families (we've always known that - the "town drunk" often had a kid who took his place).
Both my husband and I quit drinking, smoking (everything) and partying before we ever got pregnant. We did ALL the right things... school, scouts, dance, soccer, choir, church, band. We were part of that elite group of parents that run into each other at every Christmas program, open house, play and music program. My kids never saw us drink or smoke.
What a shock to discover my daughter's meth addiction started the summer between 6th and 7th grade... and we didn't figure it out until she was a junior in high school!
First - NOT ONE THING YOU DID OR DIDN'T DO CAUSED THIS!!
I wish I could convince you with that once sentence... but you will probably learn it eventually. You didn't cause it... and NOT ONE THING YOU CAN SAY OR DO WILL FIX IT. That's the flip side. If there was something you COULD say or do ... we'd be saying and doing it all over the world.
For me, it came down to - Our House, Our Rules. My kids were immature, unable to work, incapable of following rules... and I had to eventually have them each leave our home (at different times).
If you decide to impose a My House No Drugs rule... then you might consider the consequences. Most insurance will cover drug rehab and you can test your child's urine AT HOME for pot and other drugs (pot is the easiest, it stays in the urine for up to 30 days). Some drugs, like meth and alcohol are more difficult because they are out of the urine in 8 hours (for alcohol) and sometimes 48 hours (for meth).
We had a rule that a dirty Urine Analysis would result in a 30-day inpatient rehab. And we followed through on that.
What helped me was calling our local rehab and asking to talk to a family counselor for tips about getting a kid tested and admitted. Those ladies on the phone helped me very much - each had been through it.
Another thing that helped me, and still does, was attending lots (and I mean LOTS) of Alanon meetings.... sometimes, 3 or 4 each week (during difficult times).
Keep posting and reading - there is much to learn. But the most important is that you didn't cause it... it happens to good families and good moms. You did the best you could - and that IS good enough.
((Hugs))
I am a believer that there is a genetic predisposition to becoming an addict/alcoholic... it runs in families (we've always known that - the "town drunk" often had a kid who took his place).
Both my husband and I quit drinking, smoking (everything) and partying before we ever got pregnant. We did ALL the right things... school, scouts, dance, soccer, choir, church, band. We were part of that elite group of parents that run into each other at every Christmas program, open house, play and music program. My kids never saw us drink or smoke.
What a shock to discover my daughter's meth addiction started the summer between 6th and 7th grade... and we didn't figure it out until she was a junior in high school!
First - NOT ONE THING YOU DID OR DIDN'T DO CAUSED THIS!!
I wish I could convince you with that once sentence... but you will probably learn it eventually. You didn't cause it... and NOT ONE THING YOU CAN SAY OR DO WILL FIX IT. That's the flip side. If there was something you COULD say or do ... we'd be saying and doing it all over the world.
For me, it came down to - Our House, Our Rules. My kids were immature, unable to work, incapable of following rules... and I had to eventually have them each leave our home (at different times).
If you decide to impose a My House No Drugs rule... then you might consider the consequences. Most insurance will cover drug rehab and you can test your child's urine AT HOME for pot and other drugs (pot is the easiest, it stays in the urine for up to 30 days). Some drugs, like meth and alcohol are more difficult because they are out of the urine in 8 hours (for alcohol) and sometimes 48 hours (for meth).
We had a rule that a dirty Urine Analysis would result in a 30-day inpatient rehab. And we followed through on that.
What helped me was calling our local rehab and asking to talk to a family counselor for tips about getting a kid tested and admitted. Those ladies on the phone helped me very much - each had been through it.
Another thing that helped me, and still does, was attending lots (and I mean LOTS) of Alanon meetings.... sometimes, 3 or 4 each week (during difficult times).
Keep posting and reading - there is much to learn. But the most important is that you didn't cause it... it happens to good families and good moms. You did the best you could - and that IS good enough.
((Hugs))
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