pineapple2007

He came into my work today.

Last week he didnt. and I felt so good knowing I got through 1 week without any contact... then this week passes, and all I needed was for him to show up and ruin my 2 week streak of no contact...and it happened. HE CAME IN AND RUINED IT. And I have soooooooooo much school work.... I just wanted to come in today and get it all done... but I havent even started.... and all my focus is lossed.

We talked and talked... and this time around it was even harder. And he just.... gosh hes gone now and I want to cry so hard... but my make up will run, and there are so many people here. the tears are shaking to fall.

I finally said. "I thought U said U wouldnt come in on sundays?" and hes like "I wouldnt.... if there was a closer gym to my home." and hes like I will come through the back door so u wont see me. and it was so hard to say not to come in... but I did. and I am just so angry and fustrated... because every time I am trying to move on, I get knocked DOWN back to square 1. and I cant take this anymore. do u people understand? I am really really trying. I DONT CALL HIM. I AM TRYING TO MOVE ON. BUT IT KEEPS HAPPENING TO ME. I AM ABOUT READY TO GIVE UP. AND JUST GIVE IN TO HIM..... will I ever get a chance? EVER? JUST WHEN I THINK I AM MOVING UP, I GET KNOCKED DOWN. DO U UNDERSTAND HOW I MIGHT FEEL?

everytime this happens I say, gosh, here we go again. back to square one. EVEN WHEN I TRIED TO GO AWAY ON VACATION.....that is when it started.
I have noone to talk to..... noone understands what I am going through, and what I have been through. so what is the point of calling those crisis hot lines?????

It is so hard... I want to move on so bad.........

I know I need help. because my mind is so not right. I am always angry, ALWAYS. nothing makes me happy... NOTHING. all the old things that made me happy... dont anymore... and for some reason I feel like calling him again. and venting..and telling him I give up...
And I know u people are so tired of hearing my stupid story..and I cant contribute, or help anyone on this site...and I havent been replying... so I understand if noone replies to this... I just need to vent and speak some SOMEONE/SOMETHING.

Barbara52

{hugs} Its never easy and sometimes its harder than others. You say you know you need help. So what are you going to do to get yourself that help? There are many places to reach out and get support. Have you tried AlAnon? How about getting into individual counseling? Take the time to work on yourself so you can find the way that works for you to get on the road to the better life you deserve.

Mr. Christian

Last week you were talking about sending a card. That would be even more contact.
NO CONTACT is the thing for you.
If that means no visits at work then that’s what it means.

Have you been to your Alanon meetings?
Have you worked the steps with your sponsor?

There are many options here if you truly want to move on.

hbb

Hi Pineapple, i'm sorry your feeling so down. I know how you feel as i pretty much pass or see my exabf daily/weekly but as my friends remind me, he's a living, breathing being and i have to accept that he exists! BUT.....i refuse any contact, don't wave when i see his mug and try to avoid his areas. It's tough but you have to focus on you ifeel i'm at a stand still but time heals all wounds. Keep striding for no contact. It's just bringing you down each time.

Buffalo66

Nobody is getting tired of hearing your story. This board is here for people to let things out. I can feel your desperation, and I do understand. Sometimes I also just want to give in. I feel like it would be easier to fake it, and fight him than to face the pain that comes when you walk away.

For me, the fighting and interactions of chaos were just keeping the actual pain I felt about what he had done at bay. When I stopped interacting with him, the pain started to surface... BUt what a relief it is to be there, where I can see it, instead of pushed down where it is controlling me.

I am sorry. I know what it is like to even call a hotline, and just feel like no one gets it.

When I am having hard times like that, I just keep remembering "JUST FOR TODAY"

I only have to make it through today. you can even shorten it up, to... I only have to make it til Lunch...Then I only have to make it til dinner. I have days where I feel like I need to have a hold of a branch... I cant let go of one distraction until I know I havve another in place, or I fear I will be consumed by desperation.

No contact, and if you do have contact, dont give away your energy. Its going to get better. There are people like me out here, working toward being happy just like you are.Alone, without the A other. I will send you good energy to strengthen you.

Cynay

Unfortunally I understand all too well, but you know what I discovered.... All this Chaos, frustration, continued pain and feeling "knocked down" was something I was doing to myself. I was giving my power away to him because I could/would not just go through the pain and get to the other side. For whatever reason I was not ready.

This sounds like your in so much pain, but sweetie... look at this.

He may have come in but he did not ruin anything, you did.... you made the choice to "talk and talk", you could have walked away, when you saw him come in you could have left... taken a break and gone to the womens room where he would not follow. You have to understand that you are "giving" your power away sweetie.... he can not take what you are not giving him, so if you really want this to stop... get help and stop this.

:horse

I use to do this to myself all the time in relaitonships... you know what I discovered, it was myself making excuses because of my issues... I did not want to focus on myself and my lack of selfworth and respect... too much work and way too much pain to focus on me... so what I did was focus on the other person and that was just what I needed to give myself permission to be in pain... cuz it was "them" that was putting me in pain and doing it too me... that was alot easier for me to accept then "I" was doing it to myself.

Please remember to take what you want and leave the rest. I can only help by sharing what I see, being honest with you and myself and sending out all the love I can. I hate to see you in pain and if my truths help you at all ... well I just want the best for you.

embraced2000

it does get better, hon.....but you've got to do your part, too.

i understand how hard it is, we all do. we love them and want them. but having them in our lives keeps the chaos going.

it really, truly does get better when you want it to get better, but there's alot of stuffola to go through before i could pull my strings tight enough to do my work on helping myself. i kept hoping things would be different......but they never were.

so i had to change me.

big hugs to you
jeri


and this detachment and no contact thing really took me some time to comprehend, understand, and apply. i made many slips before i finally got it.

pineapple2007

thank u all. its so hard to understand that.. it is me doing it. because when it is all happening, i feel like i have no control. and that I just have to talk to him... because he is standing infront of me..

but I told u all that yesterday I told him, please dont come in on sundays... and hes like i'll use the back doors, and I was like, no please, i cant KNOW that you are here.

is that me having control?
Well, now I feel worse. i have to deal with the after math of me taking control. And it is the worse pain I have experienced YET. yesterday night I even had an emotional break down because of it. I missed school today I had a big test, now I have to do to the doctors and get a note...

I feel worse than I did before I told him that. why?
I feel so empty, and like "wow, now the real moving on starts" and I dont feel like I can push on. I feel like calling and saying, its ok, come through the back doors. f**k im such a loser.......

and this hurts so much.............

hbb

Yup, it sure does hurt bad. I'm at a standstill myself and it stinks. I've had no contact at all and sometimes feel "unworthy". It sure is a rollercoaster ride. Do you have any activities that you can join, like here, night school started and they have ballroom dancing, or volleyball or cooking. I've learned to fill up each night of the week with something.