Buffalo66

I broke no contact yesterday.

He immediately started to sling negative accusations, and pry for information about my life. I stayed the course, kept telling him I wanted him to be well, that I was just focusing on myself and my recovery, and my sons happiness.

He calmed down, and after a little crying on my part, he said that he didnt think he had hurt me that bad. He just didnt think it was that bad.

I listed some of the things he had done. I said, yes, it was that bad. it has been a pretty bad few years. HE said, "I am unable to come into contact with that. I cant really let myself see that." I said that was his work to do, and knew inside that it was OK for me to just know for me how bad it was.

Thats how I felt on the OUTSIDE, but,after we hung up, I wanted to call back immediately and demand that he say that he HAD hurt me. I wanted him to have to say it, I wanted him to know it. I want him to tell me.

All in all I think it went OK, I dont feel like I entirely LOST myself in the interaction, but...I am sad that he is just thinking that I am walking away...that there was no reason for it. How can he just erase a few years like that? in his mind? How can he just black out all the things that have gone on?

I know that he heard me say some things for the first time in a long while. I told him that I love him and want him to be a part of our sons' life, but that he is too unhealthy. I reiterated how I was willing to discuss things with him with a mediator after he began going to rehab.
But, he then made indications that made it seem like he had no plans for the rehab... He asked if I knew how much jail he would see if he DIDNT go. I was floored.

He cursed himself for having the disease(alcoholism), and spoke about his mental problems. He said I had no idea how much he dreams of being able to be a normal man, who can breathe easy, and live and be happy. He said he dreams of being able to be there for me and our son, and he is happy for a minute...But he is not able to.

I cant tell if I fed the good stuff of the bad stuff. I dont want to beat myself up for answering the phone. I am proud that I was able to be the one to set the tone. I just kept coming back to MY tone, even though he was trying to incite me. I do feel good about that.

Oh, man. Is this going to get any easier? I feel like a stranger in my own life...if that makes any sense.

Pony

Sounds as like you made it through this encounter very well. You are doing great.

Does it get any easier???? Well, as long as you stay the path of your own recovery in a sense, yes it does. It might always be difficult dealing with him on some level if he stays his currant path, but you will have learned how to deal with it and keep you serenity in the process. That's what makes it easier. Just remember you made choices also...and one can be to leave or hang up when the encounter is not progressing in a healthy manner.

hbb

I think you handled it just fine and i know that feeling of him thinking you are walking away for no reason. I truly believe that he knows that you didn't just leave. People generally don't just walk out without reason. He will realize someday what he had in you. As for the blacking out things, he's probably in denial, i know full well that mine is, not just with me but EVERY aspect of his life.


I know that feeling, i questioned last night who i was. It will get easier as the time goes on and you getting back to your life with your son, time is the only thing that heals. Your doing great! Keep up the good work!!

CBrown

Don't be hard on yourself ... you stood up to him and you didn't back down. Now, get back on track focusing on you. He wins if you continue to stew over this. I know, it's soooooo hard, especially when old memories of how you were mistreated flood back in. But you need to be healthy and happy for your son.

(((hugs))) to you!

Mr. Christian

As you can see making contact or accepting it is nothing but moving back.
My sponsor would ask me,


“How’s that working for you?”

Great question.

denny57

Why? What were you thinking before you did?

Buffalo66

I just can get pretty lonely. He was calling, and I answered. I know, I seem to have a broken mechanism, which would normally inform me that I cannot seek company through him, that I will not recieve anything good from him.

Cynay

More sense then you know. It will get easier when your ready.

I had to go through alot of pain before I started to get it... what they say is true though.... You will stop when the pain of contact is worse then the pain of being alone. You can control the being alone though, seek out help with other people and keep remembering how toxic he is too you. Not much different then an Alcoholic staying away from Alcohol.

Buffalo66

OK, these are all good points, and questions.. Bear with me, I am just going to sort this out here, writing helps me alot.

I think that I AM ready most of the time. To move on. There are other times, when I feel like if it was me I would not want to be 'left behind'.There is that guilt, that I should be there to help him. He is abusive, yes, and has been. He admits that the alcohol has brought him to this level of living, and he asks for my help.

I know that I am no doctor, and that I cannot give him help with detox, I know that I have been overextended in terms of energy, and HURT so so much..and that I DO SO need a break from the chaos, that I dont even have the energy to offer him,if I thought it would be safe. The 10 or so days that I did have No COntact were splendid (besides the hell of pain), it did get better, and I started feeling alive again. I WANT MORE OF THAT.

I can see that the chaotic behavior is still there, but, I can see that I have been also learning some skills. This contact showed me that I was not playing into his way out accusations, his attempts to rattle me, to make me feel like I am just like him, or whatever... and when I just stopped the dance, he calmed down, and he spoke of HIS disease. When he tried to lead back into me and my whatevers, I gently lead things back out of the chaotic accusing mode. That is new for me. I am happy about this new skill.

I am going to have to learn to deal with him on SOME level, as we do have a child together,And he will not--EVER let the child go, meaning, I know he will fight if I decided to pursue sole custody. I am choosing to look at this interaction as a lesson, a marker. What I do want , what I dont want. Am I ready? NO.

BUt, I am not going to look at this as only a step back. I am going to learn, and keep moving. I feel pretty clear about my desire for health, and I know I can survive AT LEAST another 10 days without speaking to him, because I have proven that to myself. I am going to keep going, toward my goal, which is a point of balance and health for me.

Thanks so much for all your feed back. As usual, you have all helped me clarify what my real goals and feelings are. I am truly grateful.

I am a work in progress, and I am trying to allow love into my life, for me and my son. All I can do is work on my own eradicating my own self loathing, protect myself, and protect my boy.
I am not perfect.But I feel OK about that, for now.

Mr. Christian

Guilt is for those who have done wrong. You have done nothing wrong.

kermit

Sooooooooooo, start over! : 0 )! Love ya, kermmie

mallowcup

I think that you probably realized how much energy got spent on a conversation with him. Your tears were of frustration because he is still trying to get you to feel as though you have overreacted.
I think you will also realize over time that when you see his number on the caller ID, you will subconscienously cringe. His calls always make you feel bad. His vcalls always drain you and leave you sitting in a heap exhausted. So, in the big picture of life as a whole, it's much the same as stepping out int he middle of the road everyday and letting a truck hit you, and you see it coming.
These people will preoccupy your life, they will drain you, blame you.
When is the last time you came first? When is the last time you spoke to him and he made you feel so special, so loved, so cherished?
At this point it seems like any contact with him is just rehashing old buisness. like a chipmunk running on a wheel. It doesnt' sound like one thing has changed. Did he cry?

mamaplus2kids

I can sense your struggle... And I've had to learn a lot about loneliness. For the past 20 months, I've been living alone with my two young children (3 and 7) in the middle of the Swiss Alps. The closest village is 30 minutes away by foot. I enjoy the beauty of nature and the healthy outdoor lifestyle. There was a time when I often felt very lonely. I wished I could feel close to someone and share evenings talking over a cup of herbal tea.

It had gotten so bad living with my AH that I finally prefered the pain of loneliness over the pain of the mess, the drama, the confusion, the manipulation, the insecurity... the pain of never knowing what's going to happen next. I have since found someone who is probably not my future husband, but someone who is a friend and who respects my boundaries. I feel safe setting boundaries with him.

Don't get me wrong, you're sounding so strong. Your time will come, when calls from him won't affect you, and when you can live in peace and fulfillment. I would start to attack the problem of solving your loneliness... because that is something you do have control over. During the last year, I have made an effort to seek out healthy people who I can trust. When I feel lonely, I can call them. I am not religious and was never really a church goer (except when I was a kid), but now I've discovered a new little parish where I don't feel so alone. I send my children to the Sunday school, and they love it. The priest and his wife are really supportive, as are some of the members of the congregation. The more I can structure our lives to be normal, the more my children feel normal and supported.

mallowcup

I remember staring at the phone waiting for my lifeline to call. I really had no life without him. People would say , "you need to start getting out and meeting some new people". That seemed like such a dumb thing for them to say. Meet who? For what?
Just living apart, life started happening anyway and there was a time when I cried my eyeballs out because I couldn't imagine a life without him. Then after a time of living like a normal person, his calls were so embarrassing. Life was changing for me and he would drag up stuff as if I still needed answers.
His calls became like holes punched in my sunny days.

hmbld

Don't you just hate that? I know that we really should have no expectations of any sort of acknowledgement for the craptastic stuff they've done to us, but some days it is really difficult to think "healthy" and not be a smidge indignant over their inability to grasp the hell they put us through.

hmbld

Where you are living sounds absolutely wonderful. But that's just coming from a girl who dreams of being somewhere other than American Suburbia. Don't get me wrong, I like where I live, but I'd much rather be globe trekking at will, and the Swiss Alps are just so amazing. I hope to see them someday.

I am sorry you are lonely though.

SaTiT

I gave up on the idea that some how my gf would admit she hurted me.
It seems that's she's incapiable at the moment
and i'm not holding my breathe

hbb

SaTiT, i know exactly what you mean. I feel i'm waiting for some acknowledgment from my exabf that my never happen and i'll be wasting time waiting

cagefree

and I would've given my life savings if it would've meant that he'd get what he did to me.

Since then I learned how to validate for myself what REALLY was going on in our relationship. I have my moments, don't get me wrong...but since I've adopted this new practice of validating what happened with me regardless of what XABF's inputs are, it did make it a lot easier.

Times like these really suck, buffalo - but hopefully you'll remember this and use it as a stepping stone to think twice before contact.

cagefree

Amen
I'm at a point where I just want him to leave me alone. Lately I've been thinking (with great joy) he may never call again. It's usually about now that he does.