Will the surprises never end
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 66
Will the surprises never end
This morning my AH called to see if we would be home for a little bit because he wanted to talk. Before he got here my mind was wondering what he wanted to talk about as we have already said pretty much everything that can be. I have kept my boundries stong and he has made it clear that he doesn't want to quit drinking or own up to the actions that got us here.
See he is planning to move out of the appartment he has been living in for the past four months since he left and moving into a townhouse closer to us. His issue is that he has to sign a year lease and I don't think he is comfortable with doing so.
Back to the conversation. He came over and we went outside so our son would not hear the conversation. He began by telling me that he loves me very much and that he hasn't been drinking (this morning). He then went on to tell me that he was willing to go alcohol free and thought that our son needed a sibling. He said he thought that we could get back together and have a baby to keep him focused. OMG! Our son is eight years old and I don't want any more children. I know that having another child is so not the answer.
I kept my cool. I asked him how he thought a child would change things. He said that it would keep him centered and focused. I explained to him that I also thought this would be the case when we had our son but I learned differently.
He stated that he would quit drinking but couldn't do it alone and he needed my help. I let him know that I admired his decision to quit drinking but I am not qualified to help him and that he would need a professional to help, not me. I also began to discuss some of the issues we have such as lost trust and so on, that drinking was not the only issue we have in our marriage. As soon as I began to discuss my feelings about us, he started to open the door and go back into the house. He stated that he was sorry he brought it up. He also told me that if he was going to be on his own, the ceasing of drinking was not going to happen. Nice! I'm so glad to see that he is talking about sobrity for all the right reasons (okay, a little scarasm).
Funny, that when we actually begin to talk and hears something he doesn't want to hear, even though it's honest, he shuts down. I was just amaized. WOW! Another child is something either of us need. Am I crazy or does this seem a bit outragous?
See he is planning to move out of the appartment he has been living in for the past four months since he left and moving into a townhouse closer to us. His issue is that he has to sign a year lease and I don't think he is comfortable with doing so.
Back to the conversation. He came over and we went outside so our son would not hear the conversation. He began by telling me that he loves me very much and that he hasn't been drinking (this morning). He then went on to tell me that he was willing to go alcohol free and thought that our son needed a sibling. He said he thought that we could get back together and have a baby to keep him focused. OMG! Our son is eight years old and I don't want any more children. I know that having another child is so not the answer.
I kept my cool. I asked him how he thought a child would change things. He said that it would keep him centered and focused. I explained to him that I also thought this would be the case when we had our son but I learned differently.
He stated that he would quit drinking but couldn't do it alone and he needed my help. I let him know that I admired his decision to quit drinking but I am not qualified to help him and that he would need a professional to help, not me. I also began to discuss some of the issues we have such as lost trust and so on, that drinking was not the only issue we have in our marriage. As soon as I began to discuss my feelings about us, he started to open the door and go back into the house. He stated that he was sorry he brought it up. He also told me that if he was going to be on his own, the ceasing of drinking was not going to happen. Nice! I'm so glad to see that he is talking about sobrity for all the right reasons (okay, a little scarasm).
Funny, that when we actually begin to talk and hears something he doesn't want to hear, even though it's honest, he shuts down. I was just amaized. WOW! Another child is something either of us need. Am I crazy or does this seem a bit outragous?
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
To a rational human being, yes, it IS outrageous. To an A, it's just another day in the wonderful world of manipulation in the name of ME-ME-ME. WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT ABOUT ME?????
You did great at detaching. Just my suggestion, but I'd quit scratching my head over whether or not it's just plain old outrageous or you're crazy. Yes, to the first and no, to the second part of that question.
JMO, but I would have ended the conversation when he started in on the garbage about having another child to keep him "focused." I mean, he's talking about a diaper-pooping, defenseless, innocent baby keeping him from drinking; yet, he's an adult who cannot do that for himself.
This is an example of alcoholic insanity at its finest - he's making all sorts of half-a$$ed promises, offering looney solutions, taking NO responsbility for fixing his own mess, and cutting you off as soon as you open your mouth to make some rational observations.
Let him live where he chooses. Allow him the choice he makes to drink himself into oblivion. And, again just my opinion - cut off future conversations when he starts to wander into the land of the bizarre and ridiculous.
You did great at detaching. Just my suggestion, but I'd quit scratching my head over whether or not it's just plain old outrageous or you're crazy. Yes, to the first and no, to the second part of that question.
JMO, but I would have ended the conversation when he started in on the garbage about having another child to keep him "focused." I mean, he's talking about a diaper-pooping, defenseless, innocent baby keeping him from drinking; yet, he's an adult who cannot do that for himself.
This is an example of alcoholic insanity at its finest - he's making all sorts of half-a$$ed promises, offering looney solutions, taking NO responsbility for fixing his own mess, and cutting you off as soon as you open your mouth to make some rational observations.
Let him live where he chooses. Allow him the choice he makes to drink himself into oblivion. And, again just my opinion - cut off future conversations when he starts to wander into the land of the bizarre and ridiculous.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
When I was dealing with both my children when they were newborns, I was completely defenseless. I had no strength. I was busy breast feeding and I suffered from post-partem depression. My AH used this to his advantage. A month before we separated, he started on that "let's have one more child", and I remember thinking "No way! He doesn't like it that I am finally getting myself together again!" Plus the idea of touching him again was repulsive. I had slept with him twice in the prior 6 years and each time we conceived! Bad luck, hey? He wanted to keep me down, and the only way he knew how was to keep me busy with newborns.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
hasn't been drinking (this morning). He then went on to tell me that he was willing to go alcohol free and thought that our son needed a sibling. He said he thought that we could get back together and have a baby to keep him focused.
He also told me that if he was going to be on his own, the ceasing of drinking was not going to happen.
that drinking was not the only issue we have in our marriage
Sad thing is, that is how we think, and at the time it does make perfect sense to us. Sadder still, is we just don't see it. Denial is not knowing and pretending it's not there, denial is just not knowing at all.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
sounds like a perfectly normal plan......to an alcoholic.
a baby should not have a job before they are ever born.....the job of fixing him.
you did absolutley wonderful at detaching, and i think you know the answer to your question about if they ever stop surprising us. no, they can pull the wildest ideas straight outta their behinds and try to make us see how it should make sense.
i pray he finds peace and recovery. you just keep taking care of you.
a baby should not have a job before they are ever born.....the job of fixing him.
you did absolutley wonderful at detaching, and i think you know the answer to your question about if they ever stop surprising us. no, they can pull the wildest ideas straight outta their behinds and try to make us see how it should make sense.
i pray he finds peace and recovery. you just keep taking care of you.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
8675309, I sat here with my jaw dropped. Are you sure you're not married to the same A I was dating? He'd say the same thing ... "I wish we'd have a baby, I want to have a baby ..." blah blah blah. He's 50 and his heart's going to give out in a year, and I'm 44 with nary a good egg left in me. Well, BESIDES the fact I wouldn't bring a baby into the world with a father like that!
I have never seen such selfishness in my life, such as what comes from an A.
You stick to your guns, girl. Sounds like you're doing fine.
I have never seen such selfishness in my life, such as what comes from an A.
You stick to your guns, girl. Sounds like you're doing fine.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 66
Thank you everyone for your support. I do have to say that I found many of the comments very funny. I wasl laughing out loud. Okay, so I have a bit of a warped sense of humour. The whole conversation is very sad and funny at the same time.
The real funny thing about this conversation is that my AH knows what I went through during the pregnancy with our son. I was high risk going into it and would be with any pregnancy. My son went full term and was born healthy after many trials and tribulations. I have my blessing and would never consider pressing my luck. Besides, he's eight, doing fine and doesn't NEED any siblings. I'm sure he will be just fine as an only child. In addition, I'm 36 and the AH is 56. A baby is not what either of us need especially together in this situation. I think if he needs motivation and focus, he should look into our son's eyes and focus. He needs his father, and a sober one would be ideal.
Yes, this confirms the selfishness of my AH. You guys are absolutly right, it's ME, ME, ME. Who cares about anyone else. I do hope my AH finds recovery. However, I let him know that it is something he would have to do for himself and nobody else.
I do love him and want him to be healthy. I love him enough to say "No More". No more of me enabling him, no more of being miserable, no more of the dance. I feel like I am doing very well and I wish he were too. I have much compation for him but know what I have to do for me and my son and that is to stay strong.
My life has been so peaceful since the breakup, well most of the time. My son and I are taking Taekwondo together and that is wonderful. I have acquired a couple new pets (sugar gliders) which is something we had never had (pets). Overall, life has been pretty good and sane. I like it and really don't want to change a thing.
The real funny thing about this conversation is that my AH knows what I went through during the pregnancy with our son. I was high risk going into it and would be with any pregnancy. My son went full term and was born healthy after many trials and tribulations. I have my blessing and would never consider pressing my luck. Besides, he's eight, doing fine and doesn't NEED any siblings. I'm sure he will be just fine as an only child. In addition, I'm 36 and the AH is 56. A baby is not what either of us need especially together in this situation. I think if he needs motivation and focus, he should look into our son's eyes and focus. He needs his father, and a sober one would be ideal.
Yes, this confirms the selfishness of my AH. You guys are absolutly right, it's ME, ME, ME. Who cares about anyone else. I do hope my AH finds recovery. However, I let him know that it is something he would have to do for himself and nobody else.
I do love him and want him to be healthy. I love him enough to say "No More". No more of me enabling him, no more of being miserable, no more of the dance. I feel like I am doing very well and I wish he were too. I have much compation for him but know what I have to do for me and my son and that is to stay strong.
My life has been so peaceful since the breakup, well most of the time. My son and I are taking Taekwondo together and that is wonderful. I have acquired a couple new pets (sugar gliders) which is something we had never had (pets). Overall, life has been pretty good and sane. I like it and really don't want to change a thing.
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
Welcome to the wacky world of addiction! Evidently the "Let's have another baby" as a means of saving a marriage/relationship is a common idea ~ my XAH used to beg me all the time to have another baby because he "missed holding one". He forgot that with our two kids, he never got up once with either at night (and one of our kids had a heart condition and was up 24/7 for the first year), never did a feeding or changed a diaper, never spent time with them (that was "my department") ... Ooops, Let me correct myself ~ he got up with my daughter once because I was sick and begged him to ~ he proceeded to "fall down the stairs" with her because he was "so tired from working all day". Naturally he never got up with her again! (Funny, he got up several times a night to smoke pot and never fell once!)
Hmmmm, maybe he meant he wanted to experience holding one???
Hmmmm, maybe he meant he wanted to experience holding one???
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 66
Update to the weekend. After AH left Saturday, he went out and bought a living room and bedroom set, big screen tv, surround sound system, and who knows what else. I am guessing he put roughly $6000 on credit cards (in his name only). I guess he has to replace everything exactly as it is in the house for his new rental.
Then my son was up all night Monday getting sick. Poor baby. We stayed home yesterday and he is fine now. Thank goodness.
Monday, I told AH that I wanted to seperate our cell phones. They are on my plan currently. I need to make some adjustments for my financial health. He agreed and this will happen today.
What a dizzy ride this is.
Then my son was up all night Monday getting sick. Poor baby. We stayed home yesterday and he is fine now. Thank goodness.
Monday, I told AH that I wanted to seperate our cell phones. They are on my plan currently. I need to make some adjustments for my financial health. He agreed and this will happen today.
What a dizzy ride this is.
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