ARealLady

I received an email this morning from XABF which, given the time stamp on it, was sent late last night so I guess he was drowning his sorrows.

He's trying to make sense of my "no contact" boundary and tells me that "Alcoholism is 100% curable" and that if I had breast cancer (touch wood), he would stick by me.

Nowhere in the email does he say he is attending AA or working any programme so I am going to assume he is trying to make me feel guilty through the creation of hypothetical scenarios.

Don't worry! I am not going to reply. Thank heavens for this board which keeps ME on the straight and narrow!

ARL

embraced2000

well, if you had breast cancer (touch wood) i'm almost certain you would seek treatment, you would not be verbally abusive towards him and say cruel things, you would not cause total chaos in his life, and you would not wreck your family with your disease, you would not get tickets and thrown in jail for driving while having breast cancer, you would not leave your family to hang out with bar buddies.....it just could go on and on.

he may be trying to make you feel guilty, i'm sure.

and how could an alcoholic possibly stand by someone else who is sick, when all they think about is themselves??? it would just be an excuse for him to get drunk because of HIS pain of you having breast cancer.

paaaaashawwwww!!!!!!

jmho

hbb

Good for you! I agree with Embraced, how on earth can you compare breast cancer to non seeking treatment of alcoholism. Sounds like your sticking to your guns quite nicely

ARealLady

it would just be an excuse for him to get drunk because of HIS pain of you having breast cancer.



Thank you for that reminder, embraced!

Once, a long time ago, he stated that a mutual friend was a drama queen. Projection?

You know, guys? I really like to get my point across so that people understand where I am coming from but I realize that is also my co-dependent side shrieking out and the old MY way or the highway....drama, drama, drama! Nothing wrong with a good debate but just as they say pick your battles it is also important to pick your debating partners!

You guys are great! Sun is shining here. I am going to meet my sis for lunch and then come back and keep doing my course work!

ARL

Pony

Just keep taking care of you.

ARealLady

Not once, since going no contact, have I received an email where he asks "Are you OK?".

Everything is all about him or detrimental, in some way, to me. Very strange.

ARL

Rella927

ARealLady....remember YOU!

How did that work for you opening that e-mail?

Next time do not worry about what is going on in his world, what time he wrote it-I find spending time trying to figure out what others are thinking just keeps the drama in my head-I play VOLLEYBALL inside my head not a great game for the brain!

DELETE!

fluffyflea

hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha,

oh how so true.

Ngaire

fluffyflea

Of course he is trying to rope you in through the big G GUILT. They will stoop as low as theyhave to go to manipulate to get who and what they want.


Ngaire

CBrown

My XABF has deleted more of my mail than I can remember. Yet, I would consider it rude to delete his. I was not raised to be rude like that, or to not answer the phone when someone calls. Yet, I understand why it has to be done. Why should I be upset by a manipulator, liar, cheater, fraud? This isn't about feeling sorry for a sick person, it's about resisting the attempts of another to do me harm. This is the toughest lesson of them all for me to learn.

ARealLady

This isn't about feeling sorry for a sick person, it's about resisting the attempts of another to do me harm.

Thank you for that nugget, CBrown.

I am just going to start deleting his emails un-read....although how would I know then if he was actually going to AA? Oh, silly me, if he was going to AA and seriously working the programme, he would be doing it for him and not as a way to keep me hanging on.

Back to my studies!

ARL

mamaplus2kids

Alcoholism is incurable. Alcoholism is manageable.

Rella927

How would you know he is going to AA? Well IMHO why would you make that a concern of yours? Make yourself your concern and keep studying and doing for you.

IMHO If he is still sending e-mails and trying to make contact chances are he is not working a program...

nan07

That's easy...most people here subscribe to the alcoholism as "fatal disease" theory. Thus, ARL's ex has a terminal illness, yes?

Maybe it's time to put his addy in junk e-mail or something along those lines.

steve11694

sums it up up very nicely

hbb

It's not terminal if he chooses to stop drinking and seek help and abstain. Breast cancer isn't always curable, it's two totally different things IMHO. That's not my point, the point is he shouldn't be throwing that at ArealLady to compare. She was standing by him and trying to help him.

CE Girl

__________________
As usual Rella,,,BINGO!!!!

It took me FOREVER to realize this. Every time I would intellectually agree with it, my emotional codie self would say, "yabut,,,,,"

~If i don't read the email, how will I know he's working a program?
~if I don'tlisten to his voicemail, how can I tell if he is sober or if we would continue the dance
~I can delete his mail, or his call, but only AFTER I read/listen to validate my decision of no contact,,,

Then the "lightbulb" went off!! You mean I got to LIVE the words,,,"let go, let the spirits"

Only THEY know what path I will take

And only I can validate my decision

What will be will be. There are NO coincedences

I have struggled with this, I have watched OTHERS struggle with this, read the debates, saw people successfully detach and continue contact, envious that they always would "know" the level of recovery, or lack thereof. When FINALLY I realized FOR ME, to detach meant NO CONTACT. Pure and simple. My disease to the point that if I allowed the contact, I would continue the dance. I no longer worry about another's recovery, or if should he find, he and I will become a 'we" again.

And to get better, I no longer contact him

If he were doing the same, he would not contact me

Stop dancing and start living,,

Peace

nan07

I agree wholeheartedly...but can't you see how a practicing alcoholic could twist things around that way? Reminds me of that South Park episode, "Bloody Mary"...when Stan's dad Randy pushed his way to the front of the line to be cured by a bleeding Virgin Mary statue- because he had a terminal disease called "Alcoholism". It was actually a very funny episode.

ARealLady

~If i don't read the email, how will I know he's working a program?
~if I don'tlisten to his voicemail, how can I tell if he is sober or if we would continue the dance
~I can delete his mail, or his call, but only AFTER I read/listen to validate my decision of no contact,,,



Thank you, CEGirl....I don't feel so alone out here knowing that others went through the very same cycle of questionning. It's bad enough when the phone rings and I have to check Caller ID but he hasn't done that for a couple of weeks....yes, I could permanently block his number but there are other ways for a caller to get through (another phone line, a calling card etc.) so I don't pick up the phone if I don't recognize the number. Even if I let myself wonder HOW he is doing, I know it is just "stinking thinking" that doesn't help me in the course of my day. Sometimes, I think...it doesn't really matter what you know about him because there's a good chance that if he did get sober he wouldn't want me in his life.

ARL

ARealLady

he shouldn't be throwing that at ArealLady to compare.

It really comes across as childish and immature to even make those kinds of comparisons. And ultimately, it continues to be all about him. He IS an alcoholic; I DON'T have breast cancer (touch wood!). And there's no "for better or for worse; in sickness and in health" clause....we aren't married! Sheesh....the man fantasizes!

ARL