And Now a DUI....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 239
And Now a DUI....
Well, Wednesday my AW showed up our Son's waterpolo game drunk and today she gets a DUI. Worst part is my two boys are in my older son's car and driver past the car surrounded by police! Thank God she had already been taken away by the police. Still...they are crushed...again! Her Mom calls me tonight and tells me she is not in jail but in the hospital because she hit her head during the arrest.
To make matters worse, I get home and the calls from her "supporters" start coming in. "she was doing so well, but she told me she was having a tough week", "I saw her yesterday and she seemed fine". I am beginning to have such a hard time not saying "you are adding to problem! Stop making excuses for her and open your eyes!" To this day she can fool everyone......but me.
I know this will come back as my problem because I kicked her out of the house and she is so sad and lonley and misses the kids. What a load of crap! If she cared about our children she would focus on recovery....real recovery not just words, and get to living a sober life. The DUI and court fees just cost us at least one year of college savings for our 17 year old! Anyone know the best way to find a good attorney?
I don't know anyone trustworthy to get a good referral for a Divorce Attorney from? I'm in So Cal.
To make matters worse, I get home and the calls from her "supporters" start coming in. "she was doing so well, but she told me she was having a tough week", "I saw her yesterday and she seemed fine". I am beginning to have such a hard time not saying "you are adding to problem! Stop making excuses for her and open your eyes!" To this day she can fool everyone......but me.
I know this will come back as my problem because I kicked her out of the house and she is so sad and lonley and misses the kids. What a load of crap! If she cared about our children she would focus on recovery....real recovery not just words, and get to living a sober life. The DUI and court fees just cost us at least one year of college savings for our 17 year old! Anyone know the best way to find a good attorney?
I don't know anyone trustworthy to get a good referral for a Divorce Attorney from? I'm in So Cal.
Last edited by DesertEyes; 09-22-2007 at 07:31 PM. Reason: fixed broken smiley
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
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You could stop taking the calls from her "supporters." Yeah, people may try to pin the blame on you, but what other people think is none of your business, is it? I put up with this same garbage. My AH was the "golden boy" to others who knew us. He was the "nice guy." His family thinks I'm a gold-digging bit**. But, frankly, what they think is of no concern to me. I got my shorts in a real bunch about it one day when I realized he'd already trashed me to his mom to the point that she decided I no longer existed. Then I figured, what the hey, I have plenty of folks who love me for who I am, and really know I'm not who AH says I am.
You kicked her out of the house. She's manipulating by playing the pity-card. I'm sorry your children have to witness the mess she's making of her life. However, your children are standing by you, and they are the ones that count - not the so-called "support group."
Don't you have any close friends who can give you the name of a good divorce attorney? If not, I'd suggest you review the ads in the phone book. Some ads will strike you as the barracuda-type of attorney who promises you'll be the big winner, and you're spouse will be clobbered. Not a route I'd advise you go. However, there are plenty of excellent family law practitioners who specialize in that area of law, rather than spreading themselves thin. Try to focus on finding an attorney who pretty much practices in just that field. A lot of them offer free initial consultations. Even if the attorney doesn't end up representing you, at least you'll have some solid basic knowledge with which to proceed.
I can understand your anger at her not working a recovery; JMO, but she may love her children in the best way she can, but the addiction is bigger than anything she has to give. I now they wreck havoc in our lives, but oftentimes we want them to think rationally and do what is best for the family. Unfortunately, they choose to do what addicts do. And that leaves their family out of the equation.
You kicked her out of the house. She's manipulating by playing the pity-card. I'm sorry your children have to witness the mess she's making of her life. However, your children are standing by you, and they are the ones that count - not the so-called "support group."
Don't you have any close friends who can give you the name of a good divorce attorney? If not, I'd suggest you review the ads in the phone book. Some ads will strike you as the barracuda-type of attorney who promises you'll be the big winner, and you're spouse will be clobbered. Not a route I'd advise you go. However, there are plenty of excellent family law practitioners who specialize in that area of law, rather than spreading themselves thin. Try to focus on finding an attorney who pretty much practices in just that field. A lot of them offer free initial consultations. Even if the attorney doesn't end up representing you, at least you'll have some solid basic knowledge with which to proceed.
I can understand your anger at her not working a recovery; JMO, but she may love her children in the best way she can, but the addiction is bigger than anything she has to give. I now they wreck havoc in our lives, but oftentimes we want them to think rationally and do what is best for the family. Unfortunately, they choose to do what addicts do. And that leaves their family out of the equation.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
Perhaps that the two boys saw the police action was a good thing... might help with getting rid of denial. I agree with "prodigal" and stop taking call from her "supporters"; who needs that? You need kind and supportive people for you and the kids. As far as your AW goes, you are not responsible for her drinking, nor are you responsible fro her DUI. I can't tell you how many times I hoped the police would nail my AH for drinking and driving. I only regret that I didn't call the cops when he drove off in a drunken condition. Find a family law practicioner and find out how to protect yourself. That you were living separated at the time of the DUI could be an advantage. She must pay for the consequences of the DUI herself, not you. Keep that money for your children.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I'm sorry you and you sons have to go thru this.
I have a question. Just why is it that your 17 yo should pay the costs for your AW? Its her problem not your son's. Let her find the resources to deal with the consequences of her actions rather than "stealing" the college fund.
I have a question. Just why is it that your 17 yo should pay the costs for your AW? Its her problem not your son's. Let her find the resources to deal with the consequences of her actions rather than "stealing" the college fund.
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Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: trail of discovery
Posts: 2,472
DII,
To find a good attorney, just amke appts. with several that give free consults and ask a lot of questions and then you can see which one best fits your needs as an attorney. You want to find one that is willing to really fight for you, not just go along with the norm of family court.
I am sorry the the children have to go through this as well as you. I have a 10 yr. daughter who is becoming well aware of what alcohol does to her father when he drinks and how it affects her and us as a whole. She is pretty bight, but like you, I tried to hide it at first. I then realized that she will never learn how to cope if I continue to do that. First she has to realize the truth about her dad whom she idolizes because she is a daddy's girl. She is leraning that she can love him but be angry about his drinking. We talk alot.
To find a good attorney, just amke appts. with several that give free consults and ask a lot of questions and then you can see which one best fits your needs as an attorney. You want to find one that is willing to really fight for you, not just go along with the norm of family court.
I am sorry the the children have to go through this as well as you. I have a 10 yr. daughter who is becoming well aware of what alcohol does to her father when he drinks and how it affects her and us as a whole. She is pretty bight, but like you, I tried to hide it at first. I then realized that she will never learn how to cope if I continue to do that. First she has to realize the truth about her dad whom she idolizes because she is a daddy's girl. She is leraning that she can love him but be angry about his drinking. We talk alot.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
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Right. When an alcoholic has to start paying for the mess they make, instead of us picking up the tab, they quit doing stupid things.
I learned a while back that my enabling did nothing to help the a.
In fact, it always put me in some sort of bind. I quit helping. Now I find I have a few extra dollars saved for myself.
It's sad they boys have to see their mom like this. I do hope she finds help.
I learned a while back that my enabling did nothing to help the a.
In fact, it always put me in some sort of bind. I quit helping. Now I find I have a few extra dollars saved for myself.
It's sad they boys have to see their mom like this. I do hope she finds help.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there DII,
Sorry to hear you are going thru all this.
Same place I got mine. At meetings of al-anon. Half the people there have attorneys.
http://scws-al-anon.org/index.php
If you are in the Orange County area of L.A. check out the meets at the "Canyon Club" in Laguna Beach. That was my homegroup club when I lived there a few years ago.
Mike
Sorry to hear you are going thru all this.
Originally Posted by DII 
... I don't know anyone trustworthy to get a good referral for a Divorce Attorney from?...
Originally Posted by DII
... I'm in So Cal...
If you are in the Orange County area of L.A. check out the meets at the "Canyon Club" in Laguna Beach. That was my homegroup club when I lived there a few years ago.
Mike
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 239
Thanks All,
I spoke to her tonight and she claims to have blacked out....only remembers a few things about the DUI and arrest. She didn't go to jail but to the local hospital because she hit the curb or something and banged her head. One tire blown and off the rim and anothr bulged out and ready to go. Got out of the worst of it again. The released her to her Mom at 4am. She told me again tonight that she took her first drink yesterday at 12:30pm and was arrested at 2:30pm. Yeah right! Still claims that she was not drinking on Wednesday at the waterpolo game. Incredible......
You're right Mr Christian...it does keep going!
I asked her how she is going to get around and she says her court date is in early November and she will be able to drive on a restricted driver's license. Crazy.
I also told her that I told both my boys they were NOT to get in a car with her anytime and for any point in the future.
I will begin my quest for a divorce attorney on Monday.
Thanks again to all of you for listening.....
I spoke to her tonight and she claims to have blacked out....only remembers a few things about the DUI and arrest. She didn't go to jail but to the local hospital because she hit the curb or something and banged her head. One tire blown and off the rim and anothr bulged out and ready to go. Got out of the worst of it again. The released her to her Mom at 4am. She told me again tonight that she took her first drink yesterday at 12:30pm and was arrested at 2:30pm. Yeah right! Still claims that she was not drinking on Wednesday at the waterpolo game. Incredible......
You're right Mr Christian...it does keep going!
I asked her how she is going to get around and she says her court date is in early November and she will be able to drive on a restricted driver's license. Crazy.
I also told her that I told both my boys they were NOT to get in a car with her anytime and for any point in the future.
I will begin my quest for a divorce attorney on Monday.
Thanks again to all of you for listening.....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
So sorry you have to deal with this. Alcoholics have a way of making us second guess ourselves. Just know that you are right. Trust your instincts, your eyes, your opinion. That she won't admit to being drunk at the water polo game is just another lie. Glad you told the boys not to get in a car with her.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
Don't pay for an attorney to help with her DWI. Save your money for the kids college or the divorce if it comes down to that.
Hopefully, she will get some jail time....it may save her life. When my X got her DWI's, I helped her in any way possible to avoid jail. I just could not imagine her locked up.....did not see how my little, beautiful wife good survive jail. The lawyer was skillful, and she avoided jail.
She ended running back to her rehab lover, almost drinking herself to death.
So.....what they say is true. Let go...let God. Jail may be the best thing that has ever happened to her.
Hopefully, she will get some jail time....it may save her life. When my X got her DWI's, I helped her in any way possible to avoid jail. I just could not imagine her locked up.....did not see how my little, beautiful wife good survive jail. The lawyer was skillful, and she avoided jail.
She ended running back to her rehab lover, almost drinking herself to death.
So.....what they say is true. Let go...let God. Jail may be the best thing that has ever happened to her.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
you're alot stronger than me or not as sick as i was.
The cops where at the house, after she hitted me with her car.
she drewed all over the cops for 1/2 hours..lol
The cops told me they would take her to jail if i wanted.
well, becuase it was the third time they came to the house
and they finally figure out who the crazy one was...me.lol
They actaully didn't want to give her a DWI or aressted her
becuase they knew i would be down at the station bailing her out
anyways. They kind of explain that to me...lol
and wish me luck becuase it was my new apartment and i was
suppost to be staying away from her.
They sent her to bed...that's all they would do if they arrested
her..throw her on a tank and listen to her scream all night.
They gave me the honors instead...lol
of couse she didn't remember anything the next day.
it was a good thing the cops where over taking all the notes
of her falling on her ass getting bruses everywhere..and it wasn't
from me..lol
it was insane !!!!, i wish it upon no one.
So sorry DII
The cops where at the house, after she hitted me with her car.
she drewed all over the cops for 1/2 hours..lol
The cops told me they would take her to jail if i wanted.
well, becuase it was the third time they came to the house
and they finally figure out who the crazy one was...me.lol
They actaully didn't want to give her a DWI or aressted her
becuase they knew i would be down at the station bailing her out
anyways. They kind of explain that to me...lol
and wish me luck becuase it was my new apartment and i was
suppost to be staying away from her.
They sent her to bed...that's all they would do if they arrested
her..throw her on a tank and listen to her scream all night.
They gave me the honors instead...lol
of couse she didn't remember anything the next day.
it was a good thing the cops where over taking all the notes
of her falling on her ass getting bruses everywhere..and it wasn't
from me..lol
it was insane !!!!, i wish it upon no one.
So sorry DII
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
DII know that you are not alone in this journey! 
I send good wishes to you and those children to get through this time-and you will! The strength that you are showing is astounding-keep up the good work!
We get to a point in our lives when we know the maddness does not stop until we STOP IT!
So tell yourself it STOPS NOW! Pony had great advice about the attorney-make that plan and keep going forward! Allow the problems she has created to be her own and do not allow those kids to suffer for anything!
I send good wishes to you and those children to get through this time-and you will! The strength that you are showing is astounding-keep up the good work!
We get to a point in our lives when we know the maddness does not stop until we STOP IT!
So tell yourself it STOPS NOW! Pony had great advice about the attorney-make that plan and keep going forward! Allow the problems she has created to be her own and do not allow those kids to suffer for anything!
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Years ago when M totaled my Landcruiser the cop let her off! Who knows how many times she got away with drunk driving? She was shocked and amazed when I refused to buy another car! LOL!! She paid for the next car she totaled. And the next..... As well as her insurance premiums.
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
So sorry DII .. just want you to know that I admire what you are doing for your boys . I have 4 kids of my own and I have to be their everything right now . Its not always easy . You are doing a great job with them !
take care of you and then take care of them !
M
take care of you and then take care of them !
M
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