ajangels2

Hello my new SR Friends~

Today has been one of those wierd perplexed kind of days. My AH and I did not start the morning off very good. We got into a power struggle match. It started because I asked him to watch his language around the kids... he is constantly cussing around them and it really bothers me. I've asked him to stop several times, but to no avail he continues. He feels the children don't respect him because I "correct" him in front of them. When I "correct" him its usually because he's either 1. cussing to much or 2. He's being too harsh with them IMO.

AH has been sober almost 6 months and its really been the last month or so that I've noticed some things about his personality and who he is sober. These things I'm noticing I don't like. I have not spoken to him about it in a calm way because... well my AH does not respond to other people's feelings about him. If its their feelings about someone else fine, but not about him. AH has expressed to my brother that he feels I constantly bring up the mistakes he's made in the past. That is not true, but he obviously must feel the guilt from this.

I've noticed him becoming more racial and making racial comments when watching the news. When he gets angry with me at times he's made anti-semetic comments about my Jewish upbringing. I have asked him to stop that it offends me, but of course he won't. Why is it that when I ask him to stop these offensive things he will not comply? I have realized that my AH does not have a very good opinion of women in general. I think honestly he believes that women are to cater to men... put up with their crap and still love them. So bottom line... if he doesn't respect women then he doesn't respect me. This morning I guess I'd had enough and wouldn't back down, but eventually I did because I could see it would have escalated. People who bully other people do it because they're weak. I guess I never noticed these traits in my A, or maybe because I was also so sick I just ignored them. My brother feels I should speak to my husband about what I'm feeling, normally I'd say sure but these days he gets so bent out of shape over everything. The alcohol and drugs are gone at least from what I can tell so there is nothing in his system to numb out the real feelings he has.

Thanks for listening... I have some meditating to do on this. I think the best thing I can do right now is to Let Go and Let God take over and maybe prayer about how to handle my own feelings on this issue.
Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Peace
Shaun aka ajangels

MsPINKAcres

((Shaun))

hate that you are having these feelings and that your AH is not listening when you speak or should I say not hearing what you say.

That can be frustrating & hurtful.

Sometimes the best way to stand up for ourselves is to walk away from an arguement.

Please keep taking care of you and those boys,

((hugs))
Rita

CE Girl

You know angels,,I equate A's to school yard bullies,,,if they know it pushes your buttons, their gonna keep on keeping on,

In a warped way, it makes them feel superior

What I've learned is no reaction is better than ANY reaction when it comes to my A.

Makes him NUTS!!! LOL

And its the DETACHMENT I've learned through my own program of recovery,,,

Peace

ICU

Not everything can be blamed on alcohol. Seems to me that you are seeing 'the real him'.

Barbara52

I don't know if I could be with someone who made antiWhateverIam statements to me. That is particularly hateful and offensive. For me, there are some behaviors that cannot be tolerated. I don't know that I would buy whatever particular excuse the one making the abusive statements came up with either.

Sometimes we learn that what's under the alcoholic personality isn't very lovable.

seekNheal

What are you doing to foster this belief?

What are you demonstrating about your own self respect by backing down?


Oh my, his mind (like all of ours) is a very powerful tool for controlling how we process our thoughts and feelings.

I pray the best for you.

ICU

Sorry seeNheal, but I just have to throw my two cents in here, for what it's worth....

Just a guess on my part here, but it sounds like that's just who 'he' is as a person and it has nothing to do with her 'fostering his beliefs'. I have to wonder if perhaps he had those beliefs long before she came into the picture. Those types of statements and behaviors on his part don't just crop up out of nowhere. They are ususally 'learned' behavior from a long time ago.

Perhaps her backing down is what's needed in that particular moment.

Sorry Shaun, didn't mean to speak about you as if you were not here.

LaTeeDa

We teach people how to treat us by how we allow them to treat us.

L

ICU

But, they have to have it in them to be that way to begin with.

LaTeeDa

Absolutely.

Just because someone "is a certain way" doesn't mean I have to go along with it.

L

embraced2000

hi shaun, and welcome

is your husband going to aa or any other recovery program? does he have a sponsor?

it sounds to me that he is not working a program. my ex would behave like this when he was ready to start the spiral into drinking again. he would be a very big bully, full of resentment, restless, discontent, disrespectful.....you name it.

i'm sorry you and your children are the target of his behaviors.


not drinking doesn't necessarily mean "sober" and in recovery.....it just means they aren't drinking but still acting like a big jack-ass.

so, are you going to al-anon???? they helped me learn to live in sobriety with a man who was not drinking, but didn't really want to be sober. his resentment was directed at me, because he quit drinking for our marriage, not himself.

just be kind to yourself for now. and let your mind consider some options for your own serenity and recovery from the hurt you have suffered by living with the effects of alcoholism.

you may have to make some hard decisions, hon, about your own boundries and your own serenity. you are entitled to these things.

hugs to you
jeri

seekNheal

ICU, I agree w/you that he likely already developed his way of thinking long ago, but I was thinking along the lines of LaTeeDa's comment...ajangels2 doesn't have to go along with his way of thinking...by putting up with his crap, or backing down to avoid his escalating behavior.

Lately, I've realized how much I have been working on my own self respect: I try to never allow my AH bully me into hushing my thoughts or emotions just to avoid a heated discussion or escalating incident. My thoughts & feelings are important and I have an obligation to my self respect to assert them.

GlassPrisoner

I'll also ask that question. His behavior is not that of what is taught in a 12 step program.