SoCalBenz

Hi! I'm a 18 yr old college student at a prestigious university with what appears to be a perfect life. Here's some background: I grew up in San Diego from a very wealthy family. Starting in a very highly regarded public school. I started smoking weed in 9th grade and still do. Since my parents are doctors, I started to explore all sorts of pills that I could get as easy as leaves on a tree. I started taking percocets, norcos, xanax, valium, adderal, somas, whatever.

I wouldn't do them during school, but I would always get pilled out and stoned after school.

Money and supply were never a problem. I have hundreds of thousands in my bank account and never once bought pills, cuz they were everywhere. I was always on pills after school and when I went to sleep for months straight.

Here's the catch: My GPA was a 4.35 OVERALL for my high school time. Which means all As, all As. I got a 2350 out of a 2400 on my SAT. I volunteered for illegal mexican children at a day care 3hrs/day for 3 times a week. I played soccer games on the weekends and practiced two hours, two days a week. I got my black belt in Karate, 3 times a week for an hour each time. I ran 2 miles every day.

My family thought I was perfect, and looking from the outside I was. What parents wouldn't LOVE to have kid like me? Perfect grades, extracirriculars to the whazzoo, I loved to travel, talk to parents, I love politics/world events and can debate any adult on virtually any subject in terms of politics.

But inside I was very sad. I was sad because I had so much money and I led a perfect life. But what is perfection? I didn't feel perfect. I felt horrible, so that's why I started taking all these pills and havn't stopped.

So, now I'm at college and I've toned down the pills. Before I go to bed I take 3 10mg ambien, and then an hour later 3-4 mg klonopin. Sometimes I'll take a 2mg zanax and I smoke every day.

From the outside, I do great in class. I lead class discussions. I look like a straight edge kid who's perfect. BUT I'M NOT AND I'M SO DEPRESSED because how do I attain perfection if I already have it and it doesn't feel like perfection? What do I do in my life to make me happy? More money? I have so much money I could buy a Bentley and a multi million dollar house along with it, and I'm 18. Isn't that the American dream? To own a house and a car? Well I could get that tommorrow.

What's wrong with me? I think it's just beause I don't know what makes me happy. The only true happieness I feel is when I'm in my garden, or running through the hills of Rancho Santa Fe or the beautiful beaches of San Diego.

Please help!

indigo

Have you got a sympathetic councellor at college or a doctor you could confide in and help you through your depression, the pills could be a sign that you are self-medicating something that could be sorted out through therapy and prescripion meds if you need them.
Welcome to SR by the way, please keep us updated.

Octoman

Welcome to SR.
You'll find that plenty of people maintain the external appearance of happiness while fighting great inner turmoil. Many also manage to be highly successful academically and achieve great financial success in their lives despite horrendous addictions and personal difficulties. Mental pain and addictions pay no heed to your status in life, intelligence, race, wealth or backround. They'll take whoever is going. In this you dont need to feel alone. Just because you have a priveleged background does not mean you are immune from these problems. Its not your fault.

barb dwyer

hi SoCal -

welcome to SR - you might want to check out the Substance buse forums also, and read the stickies on the tops of the forums.

Missymae737

So glad you found us...

Keep posting...

RK2007

SR my background is similar to yours, although I wouldn't say I had 100,000's in the bank...

And you're right - you cannot buy happiness...

Stick with this place my friend, these people care and they have been good to me since I joined, I'm new too...

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, so cal. are you ready to stop using the pot and pills?

keep posting! blessings, k

Rowan

Welcome, it's nice to meet you.

I understand what it's like to look good on the outside while you're withering away on the inside.

Have you considered going to a treatment centre?

Please keep posting - we do care.

Rowan

SoCalBenz

I had a psyciatrist (spelling wrong), who tried anti-depressants but they just made me flat and lose interest in gardening and running/walking which I really enjoy.

I had to stop seeing him because I went through college. Self Medication I think it's right, but I didn't/don't really care what type of pills they are.

SoCalBenz

No, I don't think I could go to a treatment center. I just care too much about my grades in college and what my parents/family friends think. I want them to see me succeed (which they have).

It's kind of funny, but not....even though I'm 18, I look like I'm 16, skinny, 5'9 with short boyish blond hair. And nobody knows the pills I pop!

Rowan

SoCal,

I'm learning that it's really important to primarily address the addiction.

I saw a shrink and countless others for years, put on meds, etc but was still drinking. I thought all the therapy was crap but it wasn't. No one had recognized that I was an alcoholic. When I treat my addiction through meetings, talk with a doctor trained in addictions, and take anti depressants for my depression, I dunno, but things have gotten way better than when I treated the depression alone.

Rowan

You coulda described me at your age - 5'10 1/2, skinny, short boyish hair.
Never mind all that. I was a shell. Dead inside.

Now I feel beautiful on the inside - and if the outside matches, bonus!

SoCalBenz

My addiction isn't the type where I'm on them during the day. I don't smoke pot of do pills during the day, because that would hinder my academic performance (#1 for me). But, I have these underlying issues that always creep up at night when I'm not busy doing something. I also can't sleep without taking a LOT of Ambien and Klonopin/xanax.

I just hate taking three 10mg ambien, 4mgs klonopin and maybe a xanax bar before bed. Probably every other day, I'll also smoke weed. I want it to stop and I've tried but I just don't sleep.

Oh and thanks for the response! I don't feel that I could talk about this with my parents/family friends, even though I love them dearly. But it's great that I have a place where I can say what is REALLY happening, not just in the semi-real world of "perfection".

SoCalBenz

I guess I could go to my college help center....although the thought makes me very nervous and it's scary.

One bright spot is that I don't take painkillers anymore, which I think are the worst types of pills (although they are all bad). I don't feel comfortable talking to my psychatrist about everything because he has a personal and a professional relationship with my mom, who is also a psychatrist.

SoCalBenz

The inside doesn't match the outside. It's such a disparity between the me that I'm describing here and the one that I put on for everyone else. I think my problem is that I want to please everyone but myself. My family and their friends are everything to me. They are all very successful, doctors, lawyers, ceos, my grandpa helped start the mets. I feel that I MUST do something on that level. I don't want them to look at me when I'm 20 and I've gone nowhere. Our nanny, the person who cared for me when I was little and my brother now who drove us around, cleaned our hosue...etc. She's been with our family since before I was born. She also says that I NEED to be successful. Same with my grandma, same with everyone! Either they say it outright or they imply it.

It's pressure, but I like the challenge and the pressure and the success.

SoCalBenz

I would like to say I'm ready to stop, but I know that's only a wish. I just don't believe it's possible since I've been doing it forever.

Rowan

I think going to your college help center is a great idea. I understand your reservations about sharing with this particular psychiatrist.
I know that when you're young and 'together' it's hard to reconcile that with thoughts of the future, and how addiction may affect your life. You're obviously a very smart young woman - please reach out and get help before it's too late. I lost so much because of my own addiction to booze and benzos.
You've got a lot of great things going on in your life. I would hate to see you lose them.
Feel free to PM (private message) me anytime if you need to talk some more I'm almost always around.

Rowan

SoCalBenz

I'm actually a guy....:p

I almost never drink. I'm drunk like once a month at a party. I really hate the drinking, the taste, the sickness, everything. Thank god I don't like booze.

WLDKATZ

So So CAL, Sound way to close to me to even beconsidered funny, they say that there is a duplicate copy of a person laying around somewhere..... I am the female you at 37 who is now 103 days clean of everything......I am still a Master student with emu. I still sit on city council. I am still the perfect daughter WHO CRASHED....I needed help took me going to jail for something that I won't go into but I had to own up to my faults and making amends, I had to do my program quick and fast, but I did it honestly and openly. Ask for help I am so glad you found SR, read the threads post on them but keep talking, the more time you are here the less time you have with the pills, weed and other stuff.....Thanks for being here! And please come back! BTW, You might want to try going to an NA meeting, there are GREAT people to talk to there!

Rowan

Sorry for assuming you were a woman - I identified SO strongly with your post - and your description of yourself! The offer to PM me still stands, regardless.