New person here, advice on my addiction needed!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san jose, ca
Posts: 18
New person here, advice on my addiction needed!
Hi! I'm a 18 yr old college student at a prestigious university with what appears to be a perfect life. Here's some background: I grew up in San Diego from a very wealthy family. Starting in a very highly regarded public school. I started smoking weed in 9th grade and still do. Since my parents are doctors, I started to explore all sorts of pills that I could get as easy as leaves on a tree. I started taking percocets, norcos, xanax, valium, adderal, somas, whatever.
I wouldn't do them during school, but I would always get pilled out and stoned after school.
Money and supply were never a problem. I have hundreds of thousands in my bank account and never once bought pills, cuz they were everywhere. I was always on pills after school and when I went to sleep for months straight.
Here's the catch: My GPA was a 4.35 OVERALL for my high school time. Which means all As, all As. I got a 2350 out of a 2400 on my SAT. I volunteered for illegal mexican children at a day care 3hrs/day for 3 times a week. I played soccer games on the weekends and practiced two hours, two days a week. I got my black belt in Karate, 3 times a week for an hour each time. I ran 2 miles every day.
My family thought I was perfect, and looking from the outside I was. What parents wouldn't LOVE to have kid like me? Perfect grades, extracirriculars to the whazzoo, I loved to travel, talk to parents, I love politics/world events and can debate any adult on virtually any subject in terms of politics.
But inside I was very sad. I was sad because I had so much money and I led a perfect life. But what is perfection? I didn't feel perfect. I felt horrible, so that's why I started taking all these pills and havn't stopped.
So, now I'm at college and I've toned down the pills. Before I go to bed I take 3 10mg ambien, and then an hour later 3-4 mg klonopin. Sometimes I'll take a 2mg zanax and I smoke every day.
From the outside, I do great in class. I lead class discussions. I look like a straight edge kid who's perfect. BUT I'M NOT AND I'M SO DEPRESSED because how do I attain perfection if I already have it and it doesn't feel like perfection? What do I do in my life to make me happy? More money? I have so much money I could buy a Bentley and a multi million dollar house along with it, and I'm 18. Isn't that the American dream? To own a house and a car? Well I could get that tommorrow.
What's wrong with me? I think it's just beause I don't know what makes me happy. The only true happieness I feel is when I'm in my garden, or running through the hills of Rancho Santa Fe or the beautiful beaches of San Diego.
Please help!
I wouldn't do them during school, but I would always get pilled out and stoned after school.
Money and supply were never a problem. I have hundreds of thousands in my bank account and never once bought pills, cuz they were everywhere. I was always on pills after school and when I went to sleep for months straight.
Here's the catch: My GPA was a 4.35 OVERALL for my high school time. Which means all As, all As. I got a 2350 out of a 2400 on my SAT. I volunteered for illegal mexican children at a day care 3hrs/day for 3 times a week. I played soccer games on the weekends and practiced two hours, two days a week. I got my black belt in Karate, 3 times a week for an hour each time. I ran 2 miles every day.
My family thought I was perfect, and looking from the outside I was. What parents wouldn't LOVE to have kid like me? Perfect grades, extracirriculars to the whazzoo, I loved to travel, talk to parents, I love politics/world events and can debate any adult on virtually any subject in terms of politics.
But inside I was very sad. I was sad because I had so much money and I led a perfect life. But what is perfection? I didn't feel perfect. I felt horrible, so that's why I started taking all these pills and havn't stopped.
So, now I'm at college and I've toned down the pills. Before I go to bed I take 3 10mg ambien, and then an hour later 3-4 mg klonopin. Sometimes I'll take a 2mg zanax and I smoke every day.
From the outside, I do great in class. I lead class discussions. I look like a straight edge kid who's perfect. BUT I'M NOT AND I'M SO DEPRESSED because how do I attain perfection if I already have it and it doesn't feel like perfection? What do I do in my life to make me happy? More money? I have so much money I could buy a Bentley and a multi million dollar house along with it, and I'm 18. Isn't that the American dream? To own a house and a car? Well I could get that tommorrow.
What's wrong with me? I think it's just beause I don't know what makes me happy. The only true happieness I feel is when I'm in my garden, or running through the hills of Rancho Santa Fe or the beautiful beaches of San Diego.
Please help!
Have you got a sympathetic councellor at college or a doctor you could confide in and help you through your depression, the pills could be a sign that you are self-medicating something that could be sorted out through therapy and prescripion meds if you need them.
Welcome to SR by the way, please keep us updated.
Welcome to SR by the way, please keep us updated.
Welcome to SR.
You'll find that plenty of people maintain the external appearance of happiness while fighting great inner turmoil. Many also manage to be highly successful academically and achieve great financial success in their lives despite horrendous addictions and personal difficulties. Mental pain and addictions pay no heed to your status in life, intelligence, race, wealth or backround. They'll take whoever is going. In this you dont need to feel alone. Just because you have a priveleged background does not mean you are immune from these problems. Its not your fault.
You'll find that plenty of people maintain the external appearance of happiness while fighting great inner turmoil. Many also manage to be highly successful academically and achieve great financial success in their lives despite horrendous addictions and personal difficulties. Mental pain and addictions pay no heed to your status in life, intelligence, race, wealth or backround. They'll take whoever is going. In this you dont need to feel alone. Just because you have a priveleged background does not mean you are immune from these problems. Its not your fault.
SR my background is similar to yours, although I wouldn't say I had 100,000's in the bank...
And you're right - you cannot buy happiness...
Stick with this place my friend, these people care and they have been good to me since I joined, I'm new too...
And you're right - you cannot buy happiness...
Stick with this place my friend, these people care and they have been good to me since I joined, I'm new too...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Welcome, it's nice to meet you.
I understand what it's like to look good on the outside while you're withering away on the inside.
Have you considered going to a treatment centre?
Please keep posting - we do care.
Rowan
I understand what it's like to look good on the outside while you're withering away on the inside.
Have you considered going to a treatment centre?
Please keep posting - we do care.
Rowan
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san jose, ca
Posts: 18
Have you got a sympathetic councellor at college or a doctor you could confide in and help you through your depression, the pills could be a sign that you are self-medicating something that could be sorted out through therapy and prescripion meds if you need them.
Welcome to SR by the way, please keep us updated.
Welcome to SR by the way, please keep us updated.
I had to stop seeing him because I went through college. Self Medication I think it's right, but I didn't/don't really care what type of pills they are.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san jose, ca
Posts: 18
It's kind of funny, but not....even though I'm 18, I look like I'm 16, skinny, 5'9 with short boyish blond hair. And nobody knows the pills I pop!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
SoCal,
I'm learning that it's really important to primarily address the addiction.
I saw a shrink and countless others for years, put on meds, etc but was still drinking. I thought all the therapy was crap but it wasn't. No one had recognized that I was an alcoholic. When I treat my addiction through meetings, talk with a doctor trained in addictions, and take anti depressants for my depression, I dunno, but things have gotten way better than when I treated the depression alone.
I'm learning that it's really important to primarily address the addiction.
I saw a shrink and countless others for years, put on meds, etc but was still drinking. I thought all the therapy was crap but it wasn't. No one had recognized that I was an alcoholic. When I treat my addiction through meetings, talk with a doctor trained in addictions, and take anti depressants for my depression, I dunno, but things have gotten way better than when I treated the depression alone.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
No, I don't think I could go to a treatment center. I just care too much about my grades in college and what my parents/family friends think. I want them to see me succeed (which they have).
It's kind of funny, but not....even though I'm 18, I look like I'm 16, skinny, 5'9 with short boyish blond hair. And nobody knows the pills I pop!
It's kind of funny, but not....even though I'm 18, I look like I'm 16, skinny, 5'9 with short boyish blond hair. And nobody knows the pills I pop!
Never mind all that. I was a shell. Dead inside.
Now I feel beautiful on the inside - and if the outside matches, bonus!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san jose, ca
Posts: 18
I just hate taking three 10mg ambien, 4mgs klonopin and maybe a xanax bar before bed. Probably every other day, I'll also smoke weed. I want it to stop and I've tried but I just don't sleep.
Oh and thanks for the response! I don't feel that I could talk about this with my parents/family friends, even though I love them dearly. But it's great that I have a place where I can say what is REALLY happening, not just in the semi-real world of "perfection".
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san jose, ca
Posts: 18
SoCal,
I'm learning that it's really important to primarily address the addiction.
I saw a shrink and countless others for years, put on meds, etc but was still drinking. I thought all the therapy was crap but it wasn't. No one had recognized that I was an alcoholic. When I treat my addiction through meetings, talk with a doctor trained in addictions, and take anti depressants for my depression, I dunno, but things have gotten way better than when I treated the depression alone.
I'm learning that it's really important to primarily address the addiction.
I saw a shrink and countless others for years, put on meds, etc but was still drinking. I thought all the therapy was crap but it wasn't. No one had recognized that I was an alcoholic. When I treat my addiction through meetings, talk with a doctor trained in addictions, and take anti depressants for my depression, I dunno, but things have gotten way better than when I treated the depression alone.
One bright spot is that I don't take painkillers anymore, which I think are the worst types of pills (although they are all bad). I don't feel comfortable talking to my psychatrist about everything because he has a personal and a professional relationship with my mom, who is also a psychatrist.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san jose, ca
Posts: 18
It's pressure, but I like the challenge and the pressure and the success.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san jose, ca
Posts: 18
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
I think going to your college help center is a great idea. I understand your reservations about sharing with this particular psychiatrist.
I know that when you're young and 'together' it's hard to reconcile that with thoughts of the future, and how addiction may affect your life. You're obviously a very smart young woman - please reach out and get help before it's too late. I lost so much because of my own addiction to booze and benzos.
You've got a lot of great things going on in your life. I would hate to see you lose them.
Feel free to PM (private message) me anytime if you need to talk some more I'm almost always around.
Rowan
I know that when you're young and 'together' it's hard to reconcile that with thoughts of the future, and how addiction may affect your life. You're obviously a very smart young woman - please reach out and get help before it's too late. I lost so much because of my own addiction to booze and benzos.
You've got a lot of great things going on in your life. I would hate to see you lose them.
Feel free to PM (private message) me anytime if you need to talk some more I'm almost always around.
Rowan
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san jose, ca
Posts: 18
I think going to your college help center is a great idea. I understand your reservations about sharing with this particular psychiatrist.
I know that when you're young and 'together' it's hard to reconcile that with thoughts of the future, and how addiction may affect your life. You're obviously a very smart young woman - please reach out and get help before it's too late. I lost so much because of my own addiction to booze and benzos.
You've got a lot of great things going on in your life. I would hate to see you lose them.
Feel free to PM (private message) me anytime if you need to talk some more I'm almost always around.
Rowan
I know that when you're young and 'together' it's hard to reconcile that with thoughts of the future, and how addiction may affect your life. You're obviously a very smart young woman - please reach out and get help before it's too late. I lost so much because of my own addiction to booze and benzos.
You've got a lot of great things going on in your life. I would hate to see you lose them.
Feel free to PM (private message) me anytime if you need to talk some more I'm almost always around.
Rowan
I almost never drink. I'm drunk like once a month at a party. I really hate the drinking, the taste, the sickness, everything. Thank god I don't like booze.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
So So CAL, Sound way to close to me to even beconsidered funny, they say that there is a duplicate copy of a person laying around somewhere..... I am the female you at 37 who is now 103 days clean of everything......I am still a Master student with emu. I still sit on city council. I am still the perfect daughter WHO CRASHED....I needed help took me going to jail for something that I won't go into but I had to own up to my faults and making amends, I had to do my program quick and fast, but I did it honestly and openly. Ask for help I am so glad you found SR, read the threads post on them but keep talking, the more time you are here the less time you have with the pills, weed and other stuff.....Thanks for being here! And please come back! BTW, You might want to try going to an NA meeting, there are GREAT people to talk to there!
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