gns

He posts a video of himself having sex on a porn site, the woman he is sort of dating finds out about his lying and doing this and ultimately apologizes for getting mad at him!!! The both work at my former place of employment. She is actually living with someone else and she is risking her relationship with her bf for my ex?????

Also he is going to hawaii for a conference.

In the meantime, I called his therapist (stupid me) who I knew from a joint session to give her the name of some websites icluding this one, without ever mentioning my ex. So she tells my ex I called and gave her some websites, which she did not even write down, and that she thought it was bizarre that I called. I wonder if he has her wrapped around his finger. She wasn't all that supportive of the relationship in our joint counseling session.

So I get betrayed by the therapist and my ex gets everything. Why does he have this magical power???

parentrecovers

they are very very good at manipulating...it's part of "managing" the disease..

hang in there, k

CBrown

What you did sounds a lot like something I would do! I got caught, similar to you with the therapist, doing "shenanigans" and it can be a wake up call that we're getting too wrapped up in the A.

I know your feeling! There is the A, doing all kinds of crappy things to people, moving on to the next person, doing more crappy things, and never being held accountable! Some will say "they can't help it, it's part of the disease!" but others say "they use the disease as an excuse to do horrible things!" I know firsthand that my XABF uses the disease as an excuse to play women, cycle them, and play on their sympathies in order to keep his self-absorbed world revolving around him. I think he would still be a schmuck if he were a dry drunk.

But anyway, I know the temptation to control and want to hold the A accountable.

As for the therapist, you said "joint counseling session." It sounds like she was a therapist for both of you, and then became only his therapist? If she was counseling you in the past, I don't agree with her decision to share your thoughts with him. IMHO she should have kept it to herself. She's the professional and what she did sort of sounds like gossip.

denny57

I don't understand what he is "getting away" with. He's living his life. Is it a life you want to share?

Rella927

I have found when we allow ourselves to be consumed by what, where and how they are living their lives, we are taking away from our own.

It just seems like he has "magical powers" believe me your powers and choices to make those powers happen are a lot stronger than his.

MsPINKAcres

((gns))

Can you try just for today to not think about what "he is doing" or "what he is getting away with"?
I know it is difficult to break those cycles but how about when those thoughts come up today make an effort to say "NO" - to keep yourself & your mind occupied with something else.

We really have no way of know if he is getting away with it or not - is he one of the ones that carries the guilt on the inside & that it is eating him alive - or is he one that it really doesn't bother him - We don't know. And truly it is not about us nor for us to try to reason out - That is between him & his HP.

If we want something different in our lives, we have to be willing to try to do things differently - if nothing changes, nothing changes -

For your sanity, peace of mind and freedom from those thoughts - you can try to take a walk, clean the house, work out at the gym, beat the heck out of the rugs - lol - read some literature, listen to speaker tapes - fill your mind with other thoughts - it is what I have to do to keep me focused on ME.

Just sharing what works for me -

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

CE Girl

The first thing that popped into my head when I read this GNS was OMG,,so that was WHY he was always giving me his therapists number?!?! He said it was so I could talk to her about how he was doing?!?!? But in reality, was he "setting me up" yet again?!?!? Another weapon in his arsenal to use against me when he needed too?!?!?!?

Thank you for this,,you opened my eyes,,,

Peace

gns

I don't know why it has been 11 months and I am still so invested. Anvilhead I appreciate your wake-up call. I think I want to follow what is happening in his life to prove that I am still somehow special to him.

I know it sounds pathetic, but I think I am still dependent on that. I know he has "dated" and slept with many women, but he has not yet "loved" someone else - even though I don't belive he really loved me (ie wanted the best for me, cared about what I was thinking, feeling, etc).

Denny and parentcovers I appreciate your insight, but I have to say I don't completely get it?? Is it because I CAN't focus on my life because I can't focus on how ****** I feel without him making me special?

I also don't know why I hate the OW so much and why I am so angry that she is falling for his bs. Maybe because it makes her and me the same?

embraced2000

((((gns))))

i understand how you feel about making that call. i've done it in the past. hells fire, i would call everyone i could possibly think of and sound all the alarms, ring all the bells, and send up all the smoke signals to anyone who would accept my phone calls when i was trying to out-manipulate the master manipulator.

i would call his court appointed counselor, his sponsor, his fellow aa members, his probation officer, his manager at the half way homes, his psych, his counselors......i would just go on and on, tattling like a school child. i still thought it was my mission to let everyone know what he was up to.

now when i look back upon it, i realize how egocentric it was to think i knew the right thing to do, and they needed me as an informant. i was really the one that was looking like the nut-o-la, the know it all, the martyr. this was how it was with me, anyway.

it got better, when i let it get better by butting out of his life, and just living my own.

and why do they get away with everything???? because they are masters at what they do......protecting their mistress, the mistress called addiction.

splendra

(((((gns)))))

I am really sorry for how you must be feeling. The only thing we can do is keep the focus on what we are doing....

Believe me he will get what is coming to him so try not to interfere with his process...

cookconfay

I used to think the same thing about my xah.....but....in the end....I AM THE WINNER. I didn't even have to help him along....he's in prison.....he's picking up the tab now ain't he???? I just started to become really grateful that "she" had him as "her" problem now.....that HE would be the one to wake up or come to and feel all that shame and guilt NOT ME!! Woo Hoo, no thanks, NOT ME!!!! What a load off!

GiveLove

I agree with Denny and Anvil. If I were your husband's therapists' shoes, I too would've thought that was bizarre....you're sending me porn sites, and not telling me why? You're trying to claw your way toward him through his therapist. And he is a smarmy creep, whose attempts at "love" and respect mean precisely squat -- if he were to turn around and want you back, no offense, but I'd taser him in a flat minute.

These are issues that you need to work through with your OWN therapist. Why can't you let go? Why is his sickening, degrading, disrespectful lifestyle still one that you're dying to share? How much more of your life are you going to lay on his altar before you get help?

(((gns))) You deserve a better life than this. Let him go to hell, and find yourself someone who treats you like more than just a body part he used to use. He doesn't deserve all the attention you continue to focus his way.

good luck