brokenwing

For those of you who dont know...My AH has been on a crack binge for 7 days now. Although I have come to terms that he is out of the house and I wash my hands of it, I am feeling quite sad. His mom just ran into him while he was parked at the end of a dead-end street with some young girl doing drugs in his car. I know for him that sex a drugs go hand in hand but why do I feel jealous. I don't want him back because I know he wont change...I feel so rejected and jealous of his crackhead girlfriend. What the He**. Is it possible that all along he used his drug use as an excuse to have affairs? AH always acted as if he was the victim after a binge. A victim of a disease that he cant control. What a crock. I am so mad at myself for not kicking him to the curb sooner.
Brokenwing

gedaboston

hm... only 7th day? or 7th day when the binge is out and open?
i would suggest to read the sicky - 'let me fall if you love me'. that really opened my eyes. of course, every situation is different. addiction goes by the text book though! let him hit the bottom.

brokenwing

Firstly, thankyou for the quick reply's. With my AH there is no way that he could do just one hit and hide it. He has always done it to the extreme. He used to go evey 3months and then after a couple of years it shortened to about every month. When I left him the first time he was binging for one week on then one week off. He cannot do just one....he has no self control and will go until he has no money. He was clean for 11 months then fell off with an 8 day binge that cost him 8000.00. He was home for a week and now he is gone again and is on day 7. I know it has nothing to do with me but its hard not to feel cheated on. Its hard but right now I am taking it personally.

GiveLove

brokenwing,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I too went through the binging, the infidelity, the dishonor, the nastiness.

And I know that, if you're like I was, there's no logic that's powerful enough to take away how you feel right now. The old "I don't want him...but I'm jealous that he wants someone else" feeling is stronger than any rational thoughts I might share.

This sounds like a very damaging and horrible place for you to be in...a waste of your time, love, life, and tenderness. I'm sure this isn't how you had hoped your life would turn out.

Are you taking steps to reconstruct your life away from this madness? Or are you still in it up to your neck? In my opinion - and this is just my opinion -- it will be miserable beyond belief UNTIL you take steps to get away from this sickness once and for all. No contact with him, no shared anything, no marriage, no news from well-meaning relatives permitted, nothing. Strike out on your own, and choose the people in your new life wisely, so that you're loved, trusted, and celebrated....not disrespected and shat upon.

Let it go, and you will begin to heal. At least that was the only thing that worked for me.

Others may have other opinions.

Hugs and strength to you,
GL

brokenwing

This is exactly what I am going to do. It will be hard for me to move on if he wont let me go after the guilt of his binge falls upon him. Especially as I am 5 months pg with our 2nd child. I already spoke to my lawyer and tomorrow I will go and see what my options are with regards to our daughter and this baby. I definetely will ask for no visitation at this time. He is an IV user and I cant take that chance with our daughter. I always knew that there was a chance of relapse with recovery and for some reason I convinced myself that we could work through it. But it seems that I am the only one doing the work here. The most frusturating thing is that I could see it coming and there was nothing I could do to stop it. He wouldn't listen. YOu could say that I am right in the middle of hell right now. I am working full time trying to make ends meet on my small salary. I worry that AH will show up at our daughters school to pick her up while I'm at work. ( I have to go see them tomorrow about that) I worry that he will show up at my work or my house to talk to me when I refuse his calls. I want to not have to deal with this right now or never again but here I am. I wish I could just make it all go away...fast.

brokenwing

GiveLove...I forgot to say that your words have touched me deeply...( I actually cried)

This sounds like a very damaging and horrible place for you to be in...a waste of your time, love, life, and tenderness. I'm sure this isn't how you had hoped your life would turn out.

Its funny, you dont even know me yet you know exactly how I feel. I have gone on so long not being appreciated and cared for and always put last. Just to hear you say those words gives me hope too that maybe one day I will find someone who will love me and commit to me as much as I deserve. I know that I am worthy of this.

Thankyou