holdingouthope

Hello. My husband abuses alcohol and cocaine, and has been doing so for the last 2 years. Cocaine is a much larger problem for him. He acknowledges that it is a destructive, addictive behavior and many times has attempted to abstain, including going to AA/NA and seeing a counselor. Despite his attempts he continues to struggle with addiction. On top of this, he lies to me about when and how much he is using. I am supportive of him, but am tired of being constantly lied to and hate watching my husband ruin his mental and physical health for a sickness that he assures me he is "working on." I have suggested rehab, but every time there is an excuse and I understand that I can not make him do something he does not want to do.

As a result of my husband's abuse we have had to borrow money from his parents to pay the bills. His family is aware of the alcohol addiction, but not of the cocaine. My husband is very afraid of disappointing his family, and in my opinion, being held responsible for his actions. His father has told me many times that my husband's drinking is just a "bad habit" that he needs to outgrow. I fear that they do not understand the magnitude of his addiction. If they did, I know they would do everything they could to support him in recovery. I have been told that if I tell his parents I am only enabling him in his addiction.

I am fearful of what may happen to my husband if I leave. I love him very much and it is so painful watching him do this to himself. I also feel betrayed and that by lying to me, my husband is telling me that he does not want or need my support.

I guess this is a cry for help.

splendra

((((((holdingouthope)))))))

Welcome dahlin' i hear your cry...

My H has a cocaine problem too. It is a tough addiction. I put up with a lot of crap for several years. I finally did blow a gasket and made him move out of the house. He does still live on my property so he is not that far away. It did give me enough space to see that i do not need him to be dragging me down.

My h pushed me beyond any limits I thought I had. I wish I had gotten stronger earlier.

We fear standing up to them for fear we will loose them or someone else will see them thru to sobriety and have the man we long for.

I am not a good secrete keeper when it comes to drug addicts using me up. However, I do not think it helped anything for me to tell his family about his drug use. He got really mad about that and maybe did use more as a result...But, I don't think my telling his family made him use more I think he just used it as an excuse.

If your H is close to his family they will eventually notice something is off base with him. The question is: can you stand to waste your precious time on hoping he will get clean?

No matter what he does it is not you fault and you cannot make him change. It does seem to me that making them leave does open up their eyes some. Or you can try to talk to him about what it is that he is doing to his brain cause if he values his brain he might want to get off coke cause it really is bad for the brain.

My H and sat and watched a video together about what cocaine does to the brain and quite frankly I think it scared the hell out of him cause he does seem to have changed since he saw it. I did not ask him to watch it I was watching it and he came into the house for something and sat down and started watching it with me.

I think he may be clean for about a month now but, I still don't quite trust him to stay clean.

I think you can figure out what is best for you. Do you want to keep living the way you are right now? Sometimes they just will not get clean.... how do you think you would feel 10 years from now if he stays the way he is right now?

holdingouthope

Wow, thank you. I think that is the first time that someone actually understands how I feel and what I am going through.

I oftentimes ask myself how much of my time I want to waste or how I will feel 10 years from now if I am still in the same situation. Even though it has only been a couple of years I have felt the vicious sting of the on-again, off-again cycle several times and am just now thinking of doing something about it for myself.

I am going to a nar-anon meeting for the first time tonight. I will let you know how it goes. Thank you so much. Again, it feels fantastic to know there is someone who knows what I am going through.

splendra

bump for more support

maddie82

Hi, I'm sorry you're going through this right now. Living with an addict is absolutely miserable. I don't have any experience with cocaine (my bf is a recovering heroin addict) but one thing about your post struck me because it's what I held on to for a very long time before I finally kicked him out and he got real help. You said you're afraid of what will happen to him if you leave-I, and I think a lot of other people on here, have felt the same way.

I thought that by keeping him in our house, I could somehow stop anything from bad happening. It took him overdosing and almost dying-in our home, while I was in the other room-for me to see that if something terrible is going to happen to an addict, they'll do it whether you're there holding their hand or not.

Also, I'm not sure how telling your husband's parents is enabling his addiction. They can be supportive of his recovery without being a detriment. Keeping it all to yourself is a huge burden to bear. Things became a little easier for me when I told my bf's parents because I had someone I could talk to. It's like taking a little bit of the weight off of your shoulders. It might help you.

holdingouthope

Thanks Maddie. Coming here was a first step for me, and last night I went to my first AlAnon meeting. It was an eye opening experience. I am beginning to realize that the best thing I can do for my husband is support him by supporting myself...by understanding and accepting the reality of our situation.

prairie

Hello!

I live with my AAH too, his DOC is cocaine also. I was blind to his addict ways for a long time, I knew he had a problem with booze though. Then a lot of money started to disappear...alot more than usual. I'm not sure how or exactly when but I figured it out. There is such a hazy area there in my life where I was struggling just to keep my head above water. I got him to rehab and he was clean for a while and then relapsed. It wasn't the booze that got him it was the drugs. So he's clean now and I'm catiously optimistic knowing how easlily he can be sucked in. This whole mess has made me sick, physically and mentally. I take antidepressants/antianxiety meds and talk to a counsellor. It was a huge hit to my pride knowing that I couldn't keep it together anymore, knowing that I had stress induced anxiety and depression because of my situation. A situation that I had allowed myself to be in.

First ask yourself if you are still commited to getting the marriage to work? If the answer is yes then I guess my advice would be to start setting some boundaries/ground rules. What you want those to be are up to you. If he is activly "trying" then he should be open to them. I say "trying" because I'm not a fan of that work I believe it's a DO or DON'T world. Another thing would be to look at protecting yourself financially. You'll need to work out what would be the best for you in that situation. I gave my husband a number of choices and he picked to sign over total control to me. In his hands money or a debit card are triggers.

I hope this helps.

holdingouthope

Thank you! I am still commited to our marriage and I have established some ground rules. In the last several months I have also taken control of our finances and have set up a savings account in my name (he has no access or knowledge of this account) in case of an emergency.

What was the breaking point that made you seek outside help? I was raised to believe that any problem can be solved by myself, and am unsure about starting the whole process.

Elana

Hi and Welcome.
You already know that the time has come to seek outside help.. you are going to a NarAnon meeting.

I would gather as much support as you can from friends and family. I would NOT keep his family in the dark about his addiction either. I know that sounds mean, but it is not meant to be. Unless everyone around your AH learns to stop enabling, stop excusing and stop supporting his adddiction(s) he will continue to use.

Addicts LIKE the high they get from drugs. They like it more than anything else. Because of this, the use usually escalates.. and eventually the addict will lie, steal and pawn anything and everything to get his drug. The drug and his relationship with it becomes more important than anyone or anything.. marriage, job, kids, credit, self esteem, reputation.. all is less important to the addict then his or her next hit and next high.

The only way for an addict to come to a realization that it is time to stop is when he or she hits bottom. They never hit bottom as long as someone is helping them not to.

I know. My XABF used me, used my money, used and used and used. When it looked like the money was going to get tight he found a new codie to support him and a new money source to tap and moved out of here and in with her. Boy am I ever glad he did that when he did.. not a minute too soon for my financial well being.

Meanwhile, he has skipped hitting bottom again and it is my opinion he will die an addict which is sad and a real waste of a human being.

prairie

Holding...

Out of the "Big Book" for AA Step 1 is: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

Step one sums it up really well....unmanageable. It doesn't have to be alcohol it can be drugs ect. The pull of the drugs were greater on him than any power that I could attempt to bestow on him. I tried to control him, tried to fix him and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't do it. No matter how much I loved him he needed to love himself first. He knew he needed help too so it made things easier...he was ready. For me I just knew that my life was in a scary place and I was lost. I didn't know where my husband was yet again, I had my ideas but nothing for sure. I was tired, tired of laying awake worrying, tired of eating alone when I could eat, tired of worrying about money, tired of lying for him. It got so that getting up in the morning was a chore, making supper was an insurmountable task. Physically I was either nauseaus or choking and I had the shakes.

I broke down on the phone "accidentally". A friend of ours called, he was best man at our wedding and I couldn't keep it together and started bawling. He convinced me to go to his house. There it all came pouring out. You have no idea what a relief that is until you do it. It was then that I decided to stop hiding this from everyone. We, his friend and I together made some calls and we got my husband off to rehab the next day. Over the course of the next week I told everyone. His parents, my mom, my brother, his aunts and uncles, our friends, his bosses (which allowed him to keep his job because I was honest with them) and the people at my work. You would be amazed how many people's lives have been touched by addiction once you start sharing.

splendra

I have hit so many bottoms with the As in my life. I get really mad at myself sometimes for putting up with too much stuff.

I have been seeking outside help for several years I wish I had listened to the first person that said throw the bum out...