sobercuse

Yesterday I began my vacation with a visit to the county jail to vist my son. I had a 9:00 am visit. He was still sleeping so therefore he was the last one to come down. I wrote him a letter and gave him the date and time of the visit.

Like I attempted to explain to my AS yesterday, a drug addicts future is one of getting locked up, covered up or sobering up. He rudely interrupted me with, "So what do you want me to do, get out of here, get a gun and blow my head off?"

Conversation was not very good. There's a great emptiness that I find with him.
I like to talk about his release. I like to look to the future.
He seems to have a couple of options.
Does he have a choice? He can go to a year long inpatient rehab or do a possible 8 months there at the county jail or maybe a 6 month shock camp or perhaps a 2 year prison sentence. He is not sure just what all the options mean.

I was hoping for him to go for the rehab. But, he is afraid if he makes a mistake while there then he will face a harsher punishment.

The whole scene is unsettling to me. I need to detach.
But it is so sad to see him loosing it all. And I must attempt to protect my own 18 years of sobriety.
Today I cried most of the day. I just feel so sad for the loss.
This too shall pass. Thanks for listening. I love being here on this forum with all of you.

deedee

(((sobercuse)))

I'm sorry your visit was a letdown. There were times I visited my son in jail and times I didn't ... it really depended on where my mindset was. I'm not sure how long your son has been in jail, if he is still detoxing, and as sad as it is to know he's there, it may be the very best possible place for him. My son was living on the streets, shooting heroin, when he was first locked up. It was a very dark time for me and I truly believe jail saved his life. What your son does with his future is really between him and his HP, and I hope and pray he chooses a better path.

Sending a ton of hugs and prayers, because I know how very difficult this is.

Ann

The kind of day you had was one so similar to many I have had myself.

You took time to make the trip to see him, and I know visiting jail isn't where any mother should have to go. He was late, he was rude and he's not doing anything the way you feel he should. Oh yes, I remember those days.

The thing is, it's their addiction and jail is their consequence for whatever they did. And the options are his to decide, just as is the choice to get clean or not...and there isn't one single thing we can do about it.

What helped me most was to detach, to let my son know that I loved him and leave it at that. I only visited him in jail once because it upset me too much. I only bailed him out once because he didn't stick to his end of the bargain for more than 2 hours and continued to use.

The way I see it is that you can spend your vacation miserable and upset with your son and keep trying to get him to see what he refuses to see....OR

You can take this time just for you. Maybe find a meeting or five and go and find out what all this 12-Step recovery is all about, then maybe go for coffee with someone or lunch and take a walk in the park or go to the shore and enjoy the autumn. You could read a good book and take your mind someplace good. Or treat yourself to a new hairstyle and manicure just because you deserve it.

We may not get to choose their path, but we do get to decide whether we want to be a victim or a survivor. We get to decide to have a joyous and wonderful day or to sit in sadness and suffer. No matter what we choose, the sun will still rise and set and at the end of the day we can say a prayer and thank God for choices.

My prayers go out for you and your son. It's a hard road we walk sometimes, but we walk it together.

Hugs

frankie_b

The first time I visited AS in jail I felt overwhelmed, as though I had drifted into a bad dream. I recall thinking what am I doing here in this horrible, sad, unsettling dream?
ASs behavior was fine , it was the jail environment and seeing him in it that overwhelmed me.
I eventually stopped visiting jails. I did not belong in those dark places and I could write letters or talk with him on the phone. That was enough.
I understand all the feelings you expressed. I've felt them too.
Let him know you love him.
Life goes on for inmates in jail. They have companionship and jail is safer than the mean streets every addict knows. He can rest and think what direction he wants to take for his life.

You worked hard to earn a vacation. I hope starting tomorrow you plan some things you enjoy doing. Do whatever you must to nurture your spirit and emotional well being. Take care of you. HP is there for
your son.
Hugs

caileesnana

I didn't visit my AD while in jail. I just counldn't, wound't, etc. Always told them that was one thing I would never do, and I didn't. She is scared of ever going back, she says! but does nothing to prevent it. I have no answers, but understand your hurt and pain. It is the gift that keeps giving. You are in my thoughts and prayers,
susan

TrishaV

I too never visited my daughter when she was in jail. I had always told my children if they break the law they have to deal with the consequences. Although while she was in jail, we talked more over the telephone then we had in years which was nice because she was clean (if believe) while she was there. Never once did I go to see her, never once did I send her money and although requested by her...she wanted me to bring the kids to see her and I refused. During her time in jail, I told my grandson that mommy couldn't see him because she was working. This seem to go over well with him and he really didn't as many questions.

I am sorry, but when they do something to get themselves locked up, I don't feel that we need to go out of our way to comfort them. They did this and I will not pay the price or in this case...use my time to go and see them. Although, this is where tough love really played the part. My other children couldn't beleive that I wouldn't bail my daughter out, they didn't beleive that I would not go and see her. I reiterated to them, that I didn't put her there...therefore....she needs to work on this process without me...even though I still love her very much..my time and attention need to be focused on my other children and grandchildren.

The thing I can't stand...is when a person goes out of their way...as you did..and...still the child tends to give you an attitude or lack of respect. I think jail time is a good time for them to reflect on their life..and..if they don't want to change...they need to understand that this could be their home for a very long time.

I hope things get easier for you! :O)

DoingWell

Everyone is different I suppose. I didn't see my visits with my girls to the jail, to see their dad was wrong or not letting him face consequences, the law was punishing him, I didn't see the need to further the punishment by keeping him from seeing his children, besides, there were times my girls wanted to see their dad.
I'm in no way saying you were wrong, we all have to decide what is best for ourselves. I needed to forgive and let him feel the results of his own consequences and face them appropriately, I did not want to be on the disciplining side of addiction anymore. The first few visits he was very resentful and angry, however I knew it was over his own guilt/shame and that he had to work through it, it had nothing to do with us. I simply told him, I would bring the girls to visit him but he needed to express himself more honestly and for those one hour visits per week he needed to pull himself together. He did and some of those visits were not only helpful to him, but my girls got to see their dad taking responsibility for his actions. They also wrote him, sent cards and visa versa.
Just my experience.

sobercuse

(((Thank you)))) so much for your kind words and for sharing your experience, strength and hope.
You all have brought me some strength.
I will work on detaching with love.
As you all have shown me the way.

ctrom40

The most depressing day in my life, (and there were quite a few to choose from)

Christmas morning, 2005... going to vist my 20 year old AS in the county jail.

Never again.
Colleen

frankie_b

TrishV, I remember my daughter's reaction when I told her my visiting son in jail days were over. She said, but MOM you're his mother !! as if to let me know it was my motherly duty. I replied I am his mother and I did not raise him to go visit in jail. I hate those places. His own actions got him there. Actions have consequences and I
will not be any part of those consequences. I get what you said about I will not pay the price. Good for you for knowing what your priorities were.
With time, daughter grew sick and tired of visiting jails too.
((( ctrom ))) Been there done that too. Never again.