please tell me others have been here before!!
on the edge
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 12
please tell me others have been here before!!
I've done it. I've taken the plunge, I threw my AB out for being drunk and disorderly at a very emotional funeral. He didn't take it very well. in fact he drank two bottles of red wine and kicked the door to my flat through. But this isn't the first time this has happened. this isn't the first time we've spoken seriously about breaking up and him moving out. However is the first time I've done it. This obviously isn't the first time he's told me it will change and be different this time and that he needs another chance. Whenever I point out that I have given him plenty of chances before he always tells me that he never felt like this before and it makes me wonder when I should be believeing him because if he didn't feel like this before when he said he did whats to say he's feeling it now and I'm only going to find out if he's not next time. I guess I'm just confused. I know in my heart of hearts that I don't love him any more. I can say this hand on heart I have been worn down to detesting him. I'll even go as far as to say I can no longer pick out happy times. They are all shaded in the same grey fog that I have been blinded by. So why am I still in contact with him. Every night I still ring him or text him. I know the response wont be the same as when we were together. It will be sober for the time being and loving and longing for me. I don't even want to hear this because I'm so scared of caving in as it is. So why do I do it to myself???? I know I'm going to hear everything I want to hear and have wanted for so long but I NO LONGER LOVE HIM!!!! Please anyone my head is in a mess and I don't want to end up sleeping with some minger just to prove something!!! HELP!!!
up and out
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
(((((breaking point)))))
YES! I've been exactly where you are.
I understand how you feel and its such a terrible place to be....but its necessary to get where you are going. Its a part of your journey that isn't one of the more pleasant ones.
When in crisis mode like this, take care of YOU. There is really nothing you can do for him, but there's a LOT you can do for yourself.
You do this to yourself because its the only way you know right now. You've got so much more to learn about yourself. As far as he's concerned.....you've learned enough about him to fill a book i'm sure. But.....its time to learn about you. What do you need? What do you want? Why do you choose men like this?
There IS a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise. Its there, you've just got to navigate towards it. Al-Anon is a great place to begin. I'm sorry you're feeling this way....I remember it so well. But the good news is that it was the beginning of the end of that lunacy for me.
Keep coming here, posting and reading. Mind your feet.....if you are minding your feet then you cannot mind his.
Much love!!!!
YES! I've been exactly where you are.
I understand how you feel and its such a terrible place to be....but its necessary to get where you are going. Its a part of your journey that isn't one of the more pleasant ones.
When in crisis mode like this, take care of YOU. There is really nothing you can do for him, but there's a LOT you can do for yourself.
You do this to yourself because its the only way you know right now. You've got so much more to learn about yourself. As far as he's concerned.....you've learned enough about him to fill a book i'm sure. But.....its time to learn about you. What do you need? What do you want? Why do you choose men like this?
There IS a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise. Its there, you've just got to navigate towards it. Al-Anon is a great place to begin. I'm sorry you're feeling this way....I remember it so well. But the good news is that it was the beginning of the end of that lunacy for me.
Keep coming here, posting and reading. Mind your feet.....if you are minding your feet then you cannot mind his.
Much love!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
You deserve better. Perhaps you need some help from a professional to help you figure out why it is that you don't know that in your gut? Saying you know you don't love him or wnat him around yet fearing that you will cave in and take him back seems to indicate you may have some issues you need to deal with.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
BP, I have been where you are but married.
I have done the same things. There is some strange, almost psychotic thing we codependents do in these situations. Things that make absolutely no sense, but we continue to do them. The same way the alcoholic continues to drink, even though they swear they won't do it again, yet, we both continue in these destructive behaviors.
I hope you can take a step back and look at the situation as if it was your very best friend, and what would you tell her? Also, counseling, an alanon support group and/or other support group may really help you through this tough time.
Those of us who have lived with alcoholics, have become ill too. We need help. We need healing. You WILL GET BETTER! Hope you can find a support group soon!!!! It can't hurt anything, so give it a try!
Take care and wishing you peace and contentment.
I have done the same things. There is some strange, almost psychotic thing we codependents do in these situations. Things that make absolutely no sense, but we continue to do them. The same way the alcoholic continues to drink, even though they swear they won't do it again, yet, we both continue in these destructive behaviors.
I hope you can take a step back and look at the situation as if it was your very best friend, and what would you tell her? Also, counseling, an alanon support group and/or other support group may really help you through this tough time.
Those of us who have lived with alcoholics, have become ill too. We need help. We need healing. You WILL GET BETTER! Hope you can find a support group soon!!!! It can't hurt anything, so give it a try!
Take care and wishing you peace and contentment.
on the edge
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by Barbara52 
You deserve better. Perhaps you need some help from a professional to help you figure out why it is that you don't know that in your gut? Saying you know you don't love him or wnat him around yet fearing that you will cave in and take him back seems to indicate you may have some issues you need to deal with.
Whilst this quote is useful and very much appriciated (as they all are but I havent worked out how to say thankyou for posts yet) I'm afraid I have a confession to make. I am the professional. I am a support worker for families experiencing domestic violence, I have worked in a refuge, I have worked with DVU and ADVA. I've got more training under my belt than I can shake a stick at. It would be a huge knock down to go and see someone doing my job as a service user. I feel enough of a failure as it it. But I'm staying strong for my women because what is keeping me sane is knowing they have faith in me to help them (and you guys) Thankyou for all your posts. XXX
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
BP, Heal theyself 
I'm a "professional" too, but it means SQUAT when it comes to being a codie,,,lol
I can give all KINDS of good avice and expect my "clients" to put it to practice. But when it comes to myself and my illness, I have a hard time applying. For me, that means I have to ask for help
Not easy for me to ASK. Even harder to become humble enough to DO
When I started "twisting" and hating and become ill because I was staying in a situation that was harmful to me, I hit my bottom. Was on my knees to the spirits asking them to help me break the cycle
Why was I staying in a situation that was obvioulsy not going to change to what I wanted? That's when the work began. Finding the answer has been a long, hard SLOW journey. I am powerless. I can't control it, didn't cause it and sure as hell can't cure it. I gotta stop making excuses for anothers behaviours and take resposibility for mine.
Sorry, if this seems tuff. Thats just me,,,
Peace
I'm a "professional" too, but it means SQUAT when it comes to being a codie,,,lol
I can give all KINDS of good avice and expect my "clients" to put it to practice. But when it comes to myself and my illness, I have a hard time applying. For me, that means I have to ask for help
Not easy for me to ASK. Even harder to become humble enough to DO
When I started "twisting" and hating and become ill because I was staying in a situation that was harmful to me, I hit my bottom. Was on my knees to the spirits asking them to help me break the cycle
Why was I staying in a situation that was obvioulsy not going to change to what I wanted? That's when the work began. Finding the answer has been a long, hard SLOW journey. I am powerless. I can't control it, didn't cause it and sure as hell can't cure it. I gotta stop making excuses for anothers behaviours and take resposibility for mine.
Sorry, if this seems tuff. Thats just me,,,
Peace
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by breaking point
Whilst this quote is useful and very much appriciated (as they all are but I havent worked out how to say thankyou for posts yet) I'm afraid I have a confession to make. I am the professional. I am a support worker for families experiencing domestic violence, I have worked in a refuge, I have worked with DVU and ADVA. I've got more training under my belt than I can shake a stick at. It would be a huge knock down to go and see someone doing my job as a service user. I feel enough of a failure as it it. But I'm staying strong for my women because what is keeping me sane is knowing they have faith in me to help them (and you guys) Thankyou for all your posts. XXX
Any professional you see I not going to look down on you. Or if they do, well, they are in the wrong profession.
Seeking help for yourself sure doesn't mean you are any less capable of helping others. Heck every psychiatrist in the world goes thru years of psychotherapy as part of their training, don't they?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there Breaking Point
So.... um.... when a dentist needs to have a tooth fixed..... who does the dentist go see? Another dentist
Can you imagine a dentist trying to work on their own teeth? Mirror nailed to the wall, both hands jammed in their own mouth. Whatever would you do for anesthesia!!!
If _you_ were a dentist and another dentist came asking for help with a tooth, how would you treat them? If another professional in your exact same line of work came to you asking for help how would you treat them?
Whatever you decide to do, all of us here on SR are cheering you on
Mike
Originally Posted by breaking point
.... I am the professional. ...
Can you imagine a dentist trying to work on their own teeth? Mirror nailed to the wall, both hands jammed in their own mouth. Whatever would you do for anesthesia!!!
If _you_ were a dentist and another dentist came asking for help with a tooth, how would you treat them? If another professional in your exact same line of work came to you asking for help how would you treat them?
Whatever you decide to do, all of us here on SR are cheering you on
Mike
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Originally Posted by CE Girl
When I started "twisting" and hating and become ill because I was staying in a situation that was harmful to me, I hit my bottom. Was on my knees to the spirits asking them to help me break the cycle
Why was I staying in a situation that was obvioulsy not going to change to what I wanted? That's when the work began. Finding the answer has been a long, hard SLOW journey. I am powerless. I can't control it, didn't cause it and sure as hell can't cure it. I gotta stop making excuses for anothers behaviours and take resposibility for mine.
Why was I staying in a situation that was obvioulsy not going to change to what I wanted? That's when the work began. Finding the answer has been a long, hard SLOW journey. I am powerless. I can't control it, didn't cause it and sure as hell can't cure it. I gotta stop making excuses for anothers behaviours and take resposibility for mine.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
BP,
You are doing these things out of habit. Your habits formed around something that once gave you great pleasure (being in the relationship with him). Well, that pleasure is gone, replaced by disgust and abuse, but the habit is still there, those little neural pathways still wrapped around the thing that used to be there.
How do you break a habit that is damaging and, in your case, potentially dangerous?
I think you know the answer to that.
Could it be that you're desensitized to DV since you work with it daily? I say that because it appears that it's no big deal he broke your door down. He isn't in jail for menacing you. You still call him. You still give in and let him intrude in your life. Do you somehow find his behavior attractive, masculine, dramatic/romantic, what? How bad does it have to get before you change, before you start taking concrete steps to un-do this useless habit of staying in relationship with him? Does he have to accidentally kill you next time?
Or is it just easier to let him run roughshod over you than it would be to cut him off, get a deadbolt, call the police if he comes round, and block his number?
Or do you crave positive reinforcement from a male so badly that you're willing to stick around and get it from him rather than go without for a little while, while you're in between this relationship and the next, better one?
Only you know the answers to why you keep doing this. What's in it for you?
Wishing you a better life than this.
GL
P.S. There's no shame in turning to your colleagues for a reality check. Even my ace therapist had a therapist. In fact, he said, "I look forward to having someone listen to ME for a change"
You are doing these things out of habit. Your habits formed around something that once gave you great pleasure (being in the relationship with him). Well, that pleasure is gone, replaced by disgust and abuse, but the habit is still there, those little neural pathways still wrapped around the thing that used to be there.
How do you break a habit that is damaging and, in your case, potentially dangerous?
I think you know the answer to that.
Could it be that you're desensitized to DV since you work with it daily? I say that because it appears that it's no big deal he broke your door down. He isn't in jail for menacing you. You still call him. You still give in and let him intrude in your life. Do you somehow find his behavior attractive, masculine, dramatic/romantic, what? How bad does it have to get before you change, before you start taking concrete steps to un-do this useless habit of staying in relationship with him? Does he have to accidentally kill you next time?
Or is it just easier to let him run roughshod over you than it would be to cut him off, get a deadbolt, call the police if he comes round, and block his number?
Or do you crave positive reinforcement from a male so badly that you're willing to stick around and get it from him rather than go without for a little while, while you're in between this relationship and the next, better one?
Only you know the answers to why you keep doing this. What's in it for you?
Wishing you a better life than this.
GL
P.S. There's no shame in turning to your colleagues for a reality check. Even my ace therapist had a therapist. In fact, he said, "I look forward to having someone listen to ME for a change"
on the edge
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 12
Does he have to accidentally kill you next time?
This is something I have been told for years. at 6.7ft tall this guy towers over me and he's not lanky either. he has arms the size of my thighs!!!! I was told one day he would get drunk, kill me and not really know untill the next morning when it's too late. I guess I never really believed it untill ( and this is the point that I have pin pointed as the moment I stopped loving him) he got drunk and did the usual thing when we are arguing of throwing his enormous fist in my face and stopping right in front of me. No matter how many times I spoke to him about impaired judgement when drinking he still did it. Then one night we were stood in the car park arguing (I hated that but it was his favorite place to argue because he could pretend to nearly jump off if I leave him) and I told him he needs professional help so he started throwing his fist into my face again and got to close. He punched me right on the nose and I blacked out. When I came round he was gone. Gone to get help? Gone to get help? Gone to Tesco to pick up a 2 litre bottle of cider more like. I took about a month to get rid of him after that but I've done it now. I'm so happy he's gone!!
This is something I have been told for years. at 6.7ft tall this guy towers over me and he's not lanky either. he has arms the size of my thighs!!!! I was told one day he would get drunk, kill me and not really know untill the next morning when it's too late. I guess I never really believed it untill ( and this is the point that I have pin pointed as the moment I stopped loving him) he got drunk and did the usual thing when we are arguing of throwing his enormous fist in my face and stopping right in front of me. No matter how many times I spoke to him about impaired judgement when drinking he still did it. Then one night we were stood in the car park arguing (I hated that but it was his favorite place to argue because he could pretend to nearly jump off if I leave him) and I told him he needs professional help so he started throwing his fist into my face again and got to close. He punched me right on the nose and I blacked out. When I came round he was gone. Gone to get help? Gone to get help? Gone to Tesco to pick up a 2 litre bottle of cider more like. I took about a month to get rid of him after that but I've done it now. I'm so happy he's gone!!
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