LaTeeDa

One of the reasons I believe recovery seemed so difficult to me in the beginning is that I was so set on believing what I had always believed. It didn’t begin to make sense until I opened my mind to the possibility that maybe I didn’t know. Didn’t know what ‘normal’ was, didn’t know what ‘love’ meant, didn’t know what I wanted my life to look like.

I believe I set myself up for the life of heartache I was living. Not because I was stupid or defective, just because I didn’t know any better.

For example, growing up in my family, there was an unwritten rule that love must be earned. It wasn’t given freely. Only when I accomplished something (good grades, etc.) did I get affection. Without even realizing it, I continued to operate this way into adulthood. I became an overachiever in my career and in my family. I did things for others that they were perfectly capable of doing for themselves. And then I got my panties in a bunch when they clearly didn’t ‘appreciate’ all I was doing for them. My definition of love was ‘I do all this stuff for you, and then you love me in return.’

I was also trained to believe that women are less than men. The woman’s job is to take care of the man. If you do it right, you will be loved in return. Although I rejected this type of thinking on an intellectual level once I was old enough to do so, the training was ingrained from infancy. So even though I did not buy into the idea, many of my behaviors reflected it. Not until recently have I been aware enough to recognize this.

These are just a couple of examples of the many ‘epiphanies’ I have had over the last couple of years that have really forced me to take a look at my beliefs. Some of my beliefs have changed radically as a result. For instance, I no longer believe that love means sacrificing myself for someone else in hopes that someday I will be loved in return. And I no longer believe that love is enough to sustain a relationship. This was touched on in a couple of threads today and inspired me to post about some of the lessons I’ve learned. It is a process, and I’m still learning, but I think keeping an open mind and not clinging so tightly to my perception of how life ‘should be’ has really been the key in finding happiness.

And I would also like to congratulate each and every one of you no matter where you are at on the road of recovery. It is a worthwhile journey many never embark upon.

L

Rella927

What a beautiful share LaTeeDa! I feel that you are a shining star in my life....to come across so many here at SR! I have been blessed-

What you have shared here was truly inspiring!

Thank you for being on my path and others while we go on our journeys to a better life of feeling, expressing, learning, love, acceptance, growth, and healing!

denny57

Thanks LTD for a great share. Allowing myself to think differently is one of the greatest gifts I've given to myself.

CE Girl

You know what amazes me?!?!? I can be "sorting" on my run in the morning, or in the car on the way to work and VIOLA!!! come to this board and read a post that reflects my thoughts,,,Gotta LOVE them spirits!!!

You talk about not knowing?!? We do what we know best at the time. When we know better, we do better.

Today, i was sorting about "settling" and going for what I want. Not only in relationhips, but my day to day. Now to me, settling is different that accepting. Somethings i can not change, I accept them and make them part of my life. I'll never be "beautiful" accepting that I'm cute. I will never be rich monetarily, but won't settle for believing I'm poor. My wealth is not measured in terms of $$$.

And yes, laTeeDa,,it is a whole new learning process to undo the past and set goals for the future that are "different" than what you originally were led to beleive. But isn't that the arse kicker?!?! I for one was led, realizing only now at this stage of my life, that I can LEAD!!!And it can be scary embarking on this journey. After all, its "change" and calcualted risk taking. Full of doubt and lack of faith, that in fact you can pull it off. What if my "standards" can never be met and I end up alone and lonely for the rest of my life? I beleive is a codies BIGGEST fear. For somehow, that reflects what we've been conditioned to think, we are unworthy unless we sacrafice ourselves. So we resort to my favorite saying:

"I'll show you, I'll hurt me"

Thank you for the share. Inspirational and reinforcing my morning thoughts,,,

Peace and Love

Jazzman

Good stuff

Sometimes I think we were raised in the same house....

I'll never forget the epiphany I had when it was explained to me.... We do for someone, they don't react the way we want, then WE get resentful... LOL!!!
I keep forgetting that other people can't read my mind!

embraced2000

thanks for sharing so beautifully, ltd. changing my beliefs was the hardest challenge, but the most rewarding of all.

i clung to the heartache for so long after my divorce. just like i had done everything else in my life.

also, i learned compassion for those sick ones, including myself, and i do not judge them any longer....or at least i try not to. i feel empathy and compassion since i've been re-educated on this wonderful road to recovery.

thanks again....you are always an inspiration. i remember when i first joined this forum, your posts were like reading a foreign language to me because i was so new to recovery, and your insights were so deeply intricate about recovery, exploring issues that i had not even thought of yet.

many times, you set my mind in action.....thank you for that.

much love to you
jeri

elizabeth1979

Just being loved and not having to 'do' anything to earn it. That is truly an awesome learning experience.


Absolutely. My behaviors also reflected my belief system that I was trained with. I can really relate to this paragraph. My mouth said I wasnt having it, but my actions reflected my acceptance of the philosophy.

I get the feeling you are in a pretty good place right now. Im so happy for you.
I'll do a little dance around my house now

LaTeeDa

Thanks to all for your warm replies. Sometimes I put stuff out there and wonder if it makes sense to anyone but me, LOL. Good to know it does.

I agree that this was a big fear of mine at one time. When you really think about it, though, it's not very realistic. Now I think it's more of a justification used for settling for less that I deserve. And I'm just not willing to do that anymore. I'll take the gamble.

Jazz, my long lost brother! Wait, you can't be him because he is in jail! Do they let you have internet access in your cell? LOL

I felt the same way, Jeri, when I first came to SR. There were so many wise people who had made it to the other side and I just knew I didn't have what it took to get there. But, I wanted that peace and happiness, so I stuck around. And every time I got off track they helped me get back on, sometimes with a gentle extended hand, and sometimes with a kick in the rear, and I'm so glad I listened, even when what was being said was difficult to hear.

Yes it is, E. But one I still struggle with. I still get those feelings that I need to "do" something to validate the other person's feelings. Geez, that sounds nuts, huh? It's really difficult to just accept love and affection. I am working on it, though, and lucky enough to have a wonderful, understanding man in my life right now who "gets it."

I am in a pretty good place, and I'll join you in that little dance!

L

ajangels2

Thanks LTD for that great share. I'm new to SR but just wanted to say thank you and that I completely identify with what you were sharing about how we are taught from such a young age what love means and how to get love. If I was a "good girl" I got love and appreciation. It has been the same in my adult life, the more I gave or did for people the more appreciation and love I got. I became addicted to doing and doing for others to gain their acceptance and love, but never doing for me to learn how to appreciate and love myself.
Peace