Who was I kidding?

Old 09-17-2007, 09:54 PM
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Lightbulb Who was I kidding?

Hello Everyone.

This is my first post although I have been reading everyone else's posts here for a few days. I can't believe how much my eyes have been opened for the first time regarding my AH's problem. I have been living in complete denial about this issue for 21 years but I have finally seen the light through the complete fog that my life has become.

I have related to so much of what I have read and am beginning to see that I do not have to tolerate this behaviour and that despite all his protests to the contrary he is not in control of his problem and it will only be a matter of time before there is 'another' incident caused by his drinking. Over the years I have experienced it all. The put-downs, the tantrums, the walking-out when I dare to put forward an ultimatum, the inapproprate remarks made in front of the children, waiting up until 4am for him to stagger in drunk, the ruined holidays, having him fawn over the neighbours 16 year old daughter at a party, etc. I am expecting some fireworks in the next couple of days as I begin to change MY patterns of behaviour such as not drinking with him and finding things to do for myself for a change instead of making him and his feelings the priority.

My AH admitted he had a problem back in March/April after a major upheaval in our marriage and went to ONE AA meeting. He then decided he was cured and went on a major fitness kick. Lost a lot of weight and made all the right noises about being strong and in control of his drinking. And to all and sundry he has appeared to be just that. Although he originally stayed alcohol free for a while, he then convinced himself that he could have a glass of wine with dinner. I don't need to tell any of you the rest of the story - one glass became two, etc. He also comes home from work smelling of alcohol and avoids giving me a kiss thinking I will smell it.

One major event in the past week has led me here. It managed to shock me to the core. Unbeknown to him I saw him in the kitchen after he thought I had gone to bed upending an empty wine bottle to drink the last remaining drops. Clearly not the actions of someone who has their drinking under control!

Anyway that is enough for now. Thanks again for all your posts. It is so encouraging to know I am not the only one going through all of this and it gives me courage to make the changes in my life that are long overdue.
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Old 09-17-2007, 11:07 PM
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Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
 
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Hi and Welcome to SR!

Glad to see you here with us.

Are you planning on checking out Al anon meetings?
They were immensley helpful to me when I was
dealing with my children's addictions.

Keep posting...you are not alone
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Old 09-17-2007, 11:23 PM
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welcome vixen!

you are not alone.....we are all experiencing similiar things and you never have to be alone in this again....you have all of us.

keep reading and posting....it will help tremendously to put things into perspective.

al-anon helped to save my life.....have you considered attending some meetings?
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Old 09-18-2007, 01:31 AM
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Drinking or not, what you saw reveals how close to the edge our lives are 24/7. Isn't it peculiar that out of all the behaviors and disappointments, watching someone squeeze drops of wine out of a bottle can leave such an impression.
I've seen it and lived it.
I was jealous.
I thought of what my life would be like to be so loved, so preoccupying, squeezed with such a passion.
Wine is his mistress and you caught them red handed.
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Old 09-18-2007, 02:09 AM
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Mine Squeezed Jack Daniels

Welcome,

Funny you should say what you said because I have this snapshot in my mind of my ex Ahusband in the kitchen wobbling over is drink that was JACK and coke getting all he could out of the bottle. So sad.

What was even sadder is that when I would wake up in the morning, I would actually smell the counter to see what was spilled. WOW HUH? This disease can take me to new lows. It is about choices and consequences for me today. I am so glad you posted.
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Old 09-18-2007, 06:13 AM
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Anyway that is enough for now. Thanks again for all your posts. It is so encouraging to know I am not the only one going through all of this and it gives me courage to make the changes in my life that are long overdue.
Welcome to SR! So glad that you have found us! Keep posting and coming back-even check out the stickies at the top of the forum.

You are not alone and as embrace said "you never have to be again". I sense that you are aware which is one of the biggest steps and gifts that we can give to ourselves is acceptance-you have accepted he is not going to be in control and it sounds as if you are on your way to accepting your part in this by keeping yourself in the fog! Get out of the fog......listen to you...maybe check out an Al-Anon meeting or two or three and keep coming here!

It is amazing when we get a glimpse of reality...but the real work comes with staying in reality and caring for ourselves! You can do it! We are here for you!!

My XABF use to put glasses in the sink-the cocktail glasses (Forget what they call them?) and I would ask if he was drinking again and he would say "No I had soda" I could smell it in the glass and on him! Yeah HELLO! I was blind because eventually he had me thinking it really was soda! I knew I was not crazy (the fog started to lift) and I learned eventually to say ok then....but before that I allowed myself to get caught up in his drinking, his problem/s.....we all have choices and I know this now his choice is to keep drinking and destroy his life (notice the HIS) my choice is to live and live freely with no more chaos!

What is your choice?

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Old 09-18-2007, 06:27 AM
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let it grow!
 
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nice to meet you! keep posting, and take good care of YOURSELF..

blessings, k
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Old 09-18-2007, 10:27 AM
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Hi Vixen!

As others have posted, you are not alone. I hope that gives you some comfort and validation. I know Abf often messes with my perceptions of reality even when others were/are witness to what he says and does. Validation helps me alot.

When he was drinking, he would drink all night long, every night, without my knowing it until he confessed. He would drink every drop of alcohol in a bottle and replace it with water and curse the liquor store for selling defective merchandise. He once decided to experiment with coffee brandy drinks and when I noticed that the amount seemed to be going down without my seeing him drink it, I marked the label with pencil and confronted him about it. He was adding it to his coffee to hide the smell from co-workers. I wonder if it ever crossed his mind that he stunk of alcohol all the time and the only one he was fooling was himself.

His ex told me that whenever they had one of their frequent parties, which always included hundres of dollars worth of alcohol, he would drink bottles from each case of beer and refill them with water and pull the same liquor store excuse. Two years after he was out of their home after their divorce, she was still finding empty bottles in hiding places.

Keep creating the life YOU want to live.

((()))
Jilly
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Old 09-18-2007, 10:30 AM
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HEy Vixen,,welcome to SR,,,

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

You CAN set boundary's and detach.

Posting on SR is the first step,,,,

Peace
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