I'm starting to be confused now....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: South Australia
Posts: 73
I'm starting to be confused now....
I think I need a reality check... I've mentioned my story before with AH, we've been married 9 years and have 2 sons (who are 6 and 2).
Anyway, over the past 9 years, there have been numerous "crisis", when AH was physically abusive (that stopped 5 years ago), verbally and emotionally abusive and totally irrational. In between crisis which happen after binge drinking, there is a build up phase where drinking increases (and pot smoking) and always end up the same way.
I mentioned the hell I went through when we were in France visiting my family from april to june. The fact that he verbally abused my mum, emotionally abused the kids and verbally abused me in front of my whole family, did it for me. I decided to leave him, especially now that he has resumed his drinking after promising he would quit.
However, in the past few weeks, he keeps saying that, yes he drinks, but I should not judge him by the number of beers he drinks but by his behavior. And he is obviously trying very hard to prove me that there is nothing wrong with his behavior at all and that I am the one who's got a problem. When I point out that for instance, when drunk, he says stupid obnixious things in front of the kids, or that what he tells the kids in not appropriate, then he says that I have no sense of humour. Or that because I am french and he is australian, I am a snob who doesn't see the humour in what he does. Trouble is, I doubt very much that the sort of things he does and finds funny when he is drunk or stoned, he would find them funny if he was sober. Like yesterday, my 6 years old son came to me crying and saying that his dad had put his "bottom" in front of his face and farted. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, what a funny thing to do hey? When my AH heard my son crying and telling me this, he told him "what a f...g pansie you are". I told him that I certainly did not think it was funny and that I didn't think apropriate to tell a 6year old he was a "pansie". To which he replied:"you have got no idea about Australian blokes and humour".
An another example: Once, we had a misunderstanding about something, no big deal, except that when I said "sorry about the misunderstanding, I just assumed..." he interrupted me and said:"yeah, you assumed because you are an ass". Classy hey? Now, this man has got, is a professor in a big university. Is it my sense of humour that makes me see issues?
One thing I am sure. I am not happy. and I want out so badly.
Lucy
Anyway, over the past 9 years, there have been numerous "crisis", when AH was physically abusive (that stopped 5 years ago), verbally and emotionally abusive and totally irrational. In between crisis which happen after binge drinking, there is a build up phase where drinking increases (and pot smoking) and always end up the same way.
I mentioned the hell I went through when we were in France visiting my family from april to june. The fact that he verbally abused my mum, emotionally abused the kids and verbally abused me in front of my whole family, did it for me. I decided to leave him, especially now that he has resumed his drinking after promising he would quit.
However, in the past few weeks, he keeps saying that, yes he drinks, but I should not judge him by the number of beers he drinks but by his behavior. And he is obviously trying very hard to prove me that there is nothing wrong with his behavior at all and that I am the one who's got a problem. When I point out that for instance, when drunk, he says stupid obnixious things in front of the kids, or that what he tells the kids in not appropriate, then he says that I have no sense of humour. Or that because I am french and he is australian, I am a snob who doesn't see the humour in what he does. Trouble is, I doubt very much that the sort of things he does and finds funny when he is drunk or stoned, he would find them funny if he was sober. Like yesterday, my 6 years old son came to me crying and saying that his dad had put his "bottom" in front of his face and farted. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, what a funny thing to do hey? When my AH heard my son crying and telling me this, he told him "what a f...g pansie you are". I told him that I certainly did not think it was funny and that I didn't think apropriate to tell a 6year old he was a "pansie". To which he replied:"you have got no idea about Australian blokes and humour".
An another example: Once, we had a misunderstanding about something, no big deal, except that when I said "sorry about the misunderstanding, I just assumed..." he interrupted me and said:"yeah, you assumed because you are an ass". Classy hey? Now, this man has got, is a professor in a big university. Is it my sense of humour that makes me see issues?
One thing I am sure. I am not happy. and I want out so badly.
Lucy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
Originally Posted by Lucy06 
One thing I am sure. I am not happy. and I want out so badly.
It wasn't going to be done for me.
Please protect yourself and your children because you mentioned abuse in the past.
From my experience, things started to progress.
What steps can you put into place if you are ready to get out?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
lucy, that's what my alcoholic husband did too, try to make it all my fault. it's what most of them do.
my husbands behavior became unnacceptable to me after i went through so much hell and finally figured out that it was not my lack of sense of humor or lack of intelligence that was making our marriage a living hell. it was his addiction and my willingness to continue to dance the insanity dance with him.
it was not my fault that he behaved the way he did.
and it is very unlikely that he would change.
the ball was in my court......what was i going to do about it????
i got out of his target range. i refused to be his target any longer and removed myself from his abuse, started working on myself and got healthy again.
much love to you, dear
jeri
my husbands behavior became unnacceptable to me after i went through so much hell and finally figured out that it was not my lack of sense of humor or lack of intelligence that was making our marriage a living hell. it was his addiction and my willingness to continue to dance the insanity dance with him.
it was not my fault that he behaved the way he did.
and it is very unlikely that he would change.
the ball was in my court......what was i going to do about it????
i got out of his target range. i refused to be his target any longer and removed myself from his abuse, started working on myself and got healthy again.
much love to you, dear
jeri
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 38
as an addict myself, I am very good at making other people feel responsible for my actions. It's manipulative. don't fall for it. You have to hold us accountable for everything and shove reality in OUR FACES.
Your Partner has problems but until he see's it as a problem, he doesn't have one..you do.
The only thing you can do is step aside and let him cause enough pain and misery that it might allow him to see he is responsible. At that point, he needs to be hit hard by family and friends who have been damaged by his actions. An intervention to break through to him.
I feel for you, but make your life better. Take care of yourself and make that your focus. He may or may not ever come around and there is nothing you can do to change that. Right now, he is a problem for you the way his addiction is a problem for him.
The Dopeless Hope Fiend
Your Partner has problems but until he see's it as a problem, he doesn't have one..you do.
The only thing you can do is step aside and let him cause enough pain and misery that it might allow him to see he is responsible. At that point, he needs to be hit hard by family and friends who have been damaged by his actions. An intervention to break through to him.
I feel for you, but make your life better. Take care of yourself and make that your focus. He may or may not ever come around and there is nothing you can do to change that. Right now, he is a problem for you the way his addiction is a problem for him.
The Dopeless Hope Fiend
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
The funny thing about humor is that it is supposed to be funny. Does anyone laugh?
If there's anything funny about what he says it would be the way he aligns the entire Australian nation with himself.
There is the option if factoring him out. Doesn't Australia miss him, it can't be the same without him. He sounds like an obnoxious jerk. I would qualify that. I'm sure a New Yorker like me wouldn't understand his sarcastic, caustic, dry sense of humor.
If there's anything funny about what he says it would be the way he aligns the entire Australian nation with himself.
There is the option if factoring him out. Doesn't Australia miss him, it can't be the same without him. He sounds like an obnoxious jerk. I would qualify that. I'm sure a New Yorker like me wouldn't understand his sarcastic, caustic, dry sense of humor.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
Dear Lucy,
I can feel the pain. I have also felt stuck in a what I felt to be a hopeless situation. You need boundaries. That you are French and he Australian has nothing to do with it. No one should tolerate abuse.
If he's been abusive, it's not going to get better. This is a progressive disease that only gets worse as long as he continues to drink/use.
Is it acceptable to you that he verbally abused your mum and emotionally abused the kids and verbally abuse you in front of your whole family? What can you accept? What crosses the line for you? If he has crossed the line, you need to take care of yourself and your family.
He's right. You do have a problem. You allow this man to abuse you and your family. He's right. It is his abusive behavior that is the problem. The next time he gets abusive, I would take the kids and your mum and leave the house and go to a friend's house.
You must not accept inappropriate behavior. You're setting the example to your kids, if you accept his abuse. You are showing them that you are weaker than he is and that it's ok to live with this type of behavior. Is that what you want? The role of a parent is to teach their children what is appropriate and what is not appropriate. If your husband is incapable of teaching them this, then, it's up to you.
Your son needs protection. If you keep allowing this man to mistreat your children, it will only get worse.
That's simply awful, and I would have left the house with the children at that moment and not looked back. This was incredibly abusive.
What are your options?
Just know there is a way out. Take care of yourself. There is nothing wrong with your sense of humor! I think what he did was sick.
Big hug! We're here for you!
Mamaplus2kids
I can feel the pain. I have also felt stuck in a what I felt to be a hopeless situation. You need boundaries. That you are French and he Australian has nothing to do with it. No one should tolerate abuse.
Originally Posted by Lucy06
...over the past 9 years, there have been numerous "crisis", when AH was physically abusive (that stopped 5 years ago), verbally and emotionally abusive and totally irrational. In between crisis which happen after binge drinking, there is a build up phase where drinking increases (and pot smoking) and always end up the same way.
Originally Posted by Lucy06
... The fact that he verbally abused my mum, emotionally abused the kids and verbally abused me in front of my whole family, did it for me. I decided to leave him, especially now that he has resumed his drinking after promising he would quit.
Originally Posted by Lucy06
... he keeps saying that, yes he drinks, but I should not judge him by the number of beers he drinks but by his behavior. And he is obviously trying very hard to prove me that there is nothing wrong with his behavior at all and that I am the one who's got a problem.
Originally Posted by Lucy06
...when drunk, he says stupid obnixious things in front of the kids, or that what he tells the kids in not appropriate,.... that because I am french and he is australian, I am a snob who doesn't see the humour in what he does.
Originally Posted by Lucy06
... my 6 years old son came to me crying and saying that his dad had put his "bottom" in front of his face and farted.
Originally Posted by Lucy06
...When my AH heard my son crying and telling me this, he told him "what a f...g pansie you are".
Originally Posted by Lucy06
One thing I am sure. I am not happy. and I want out so badly.
Just know there is a way out. Take care of yourself. There is nothing wrong with your sense of humor! I think what he did was sick.
Big hug! We're here for you!
Mamaplus2kids
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: South Australia
Posts: 73
Thank you all so much for your support!!
I do have a plan but unfortunately, it will have to wait until november, that is, if the situation doesn't get downright unbearable until then.
My main issue right now is that we leave in Australia. All my family is in France and my husband's parents, who are very nice to me and all too aware of AH's issues leave 1000 miles from here. So in a nutshell, I have no support, apart from a very good friend.
I am working full time as an academic and this semester is very demanding with lots of teaching a project work and this is why I can't possibly move out right now. I also need to find a rental in the same area I live right now because my 6 years old attends school here and it would be too much for him to cut him out of his good friends and environment. And there is no rental available right now here. So I have to wait and pray that by the end of october, a rental will be available. The abuse that AH put us all through in France was totally unacceptable to me and there is no way I can trust him ever again. When I say this, he says "it's all in the past. Why do you keep talking about the past?". My response is that his behavior is cyclic and therefore, the past is also the future. He doesn't get it but I don't care anymore.
These days, I am very angry with myself for being in the situation I am right now. How could I let this happen to me??? I had no idea about alcoholism and drug addiction and didn't see the red flags. I thought AH was drinking too much and smoking dope because he was depressed. I naively thought that with love, he would get better. How stupid was that.....
Anyway, I have to buy my time until I can get out...
Thanks again so much for all your support!!! I really, really apreciate more than you can think!
Lucy
I do have a plan but unfortunately, it will have to wait until november, that is, if the situation doesn't get downright unbearable until then.
My main issue right now is that we leave in Australia. All my family is in France and my husband's parents, who are very nice to me and all too aware of AH's issues leave 1000 miles from here. So in a nutshell, I have no support, apart from a very good friend.
I am working full time as an academic and this semester is very demanding with lots of teaching a project work and this is why I can't possibly move out right now. I also need to find a rental in the same area I live right now because my 6 years old attends school here and it would be too much for him to cut him out of his good friends and environment. And there is no rental available right now here. So I have to wait and pray that by the end of october, a rental will be available. The abuse that AH put us all through in France was totally unacceptable to me and there is no way I can trust him ever again. When I say this, he says "it's all in the past. Why do you keep talking about the past?". My response is that his behavior is cyclic and therefore, the past is also the future. He doesn't get it but I don't care anymore.
These days, I am very angry with myself for being in the situation I am right now. How could I let this happen to me??? I had no idea about alcoholism and drug addiction and didn't see the red flags. I thought AH was drinking too much and smoking dope because he was depressed. I naively thought that with love, he would get better. How stupid was that.....
Anyway, I have to buy my time until I can get out...
Thanks again so much for all your support!!! I really, really apreciate more than you can think!
Lucy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
"there is nothing wrong with his behavior at all and that I am the one who's got a problem"
Wrong, wrong, wrong!!! My XABF tried to tell me that it is completely acceptable to have women in their back seat having sex, and I am square. That it was a loving act between two women (who also are supposed to be in committed relationships with their boyfriends). The morally bankrupt A will try to pull you into his/her cesspool at every turn.
"what he tells the kids in not appropriate" Been there too! First day of the cruise we went on (me, XABF, my daughter, her friend) he says "I was trying to have sex with your mother" when my daughter walked into our stateroom. My daughter was shell-shocked. We have got to quit standing for such horrific behavior!
"How could I let this happen to me??? I had no idea about alcoholism and drug addiction and didn't see the red flags." Oh, I share your pain on this one! I didn't see it coming, I let him in my life, I had no idea what an alcoholic was, I had no willpower, and I allowed him to cruise in and out of my life for ten years! Don't beat yourself up. We're all learning from the past, building up strength, and getting out!
Wrong, wrong, wrong!!! My XABF tried to tell me that it is completely acceptable to have women in their back seat having sex, and I am square. That it was a loving act between two women (who also are supposed to be in committed relationships with their boyfriends). The morally bankrupt A will try to pull you into his/her cesspool at every turn.
"what he tells the kids in not appropriate" Been there too! First day of the cruise we went on (me, XABF, my daughter, her friend) he says "I was trying to have sex with your mother" when my daughter walked into our stateroom. My daughter was shell-shocked. We have got to quit standing for such horrific behavior!
"How could I let this happen to me??? I had no idea about alcoholism and drug addiction and didn't see the red flags." Oh, I share your pain on this one! I didn't see it coming, I let him in my life, I had no idea what an alcoholic was, I had no willpower, and I allowed him to cruise in and out of my life for ten years! Don't beat yourself up. We're all learning from the past, building up strength, and getting out!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by Lucy06
How could I let this happen to me??? I had no idea about alcoholism and drug addiction and didn't see the red flags. I thought AH was drinking too much and smoking dope because he was depressed. I naively thought that with love, he would get better. How stupid was that.....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Newport, RI
Posts: 242
I also had no idea that alcohol and drug addictions had such dark sides. I grew up with a lot of drinking around me, so I thought getting sloshed was normal. I thought people who didn't drink were weird. That our addicts drink too much and smoke dope because they are depressed is not our problem... it's theirs and only theirs. Depression and addiction go hand in hand. Do you think the addict feels sorry for you? Hell no! Love is the one thing that will not help with this disease. You were not stupid! You need to take the steps to protect yourself and your children and forgive yourself. Barbara52 is right... life will be good again!
Guess what, I'm not crazy.
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Oregon
Posts: 286
Oh Lucy, Mine trys to tell me that there is no way his drinking could be affecting me in a bad way. (WHAT)? He too thinks that I should not judge him for how much he drinks. I have no kids and my husband has never hit me but he does make me feel like fadding away at times.
We are going to counceling this Friday for the first time. I think it will be an eye opener for each of us. I think he will be shocked to fined out that yes he is an alcoholic and if he wants to save this relationship he needs to STOP! Don't let your husband treat you and the kids like that. Get out while you can!
Hugs
D
We are going to counceling this Friday for the first time. I think it will be an eye opener for each of us. I think he will be shocked to fined out that yes he is an alcoholic and if he wants to save this relationship he needs to STOP! Don't let your husband treat you and the kids like that. Get out while you can!
Hugs
D
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