Mair

Hi All, i hope you are all well, this is just an update which might help someone. A few weeks ago i posted asking if anyone here could be friends with their alcoholic, i received a mix of answers but mostly the answer was "NO".

I just want to say the answer was correct it is IMPOSSIBLE. I have found it hard detaching and one of my problems was that i missed his company (when sober) and in a weak moment i answered his call and agreed to meet him as a friend. We talked a lot about us, and i said that it was nice that we could meet every now and them for a coffee and a chat.

He said that he had realised that he was out of control, and was cutting down (I knew that he wouldnt and couldnt for long) but i said nothing. four weeks of being soberish and i was falling in the trap and i knew that i had made a big mistake but i felt stuck and obliged to try. He is so good at being manipulative it's scary, before i knew it we were on the telephone 5 times a day and i felt like all my hard work had gone to the dogs.

then on Saturday i went to meet him and he was drunk, and said that i was making his life a misery "why should i stop drinking, i like a pint bla bla. I told him to drink if that's what he wanted, but i wouldnt be staying, and left, I said it calmly and went home.

A word of advice that i will be taking on board is NO CONTACT, i know now that he will always be able to reel me back in if given half a chance and that scares me to death. How stupid have i been, i cant believe how stupid ive been.

this is my day 1 of detachment with absolutely no contact


Mair xx

denny57

(((mair))) It's not stupid to extend a hand in friendship. Most of my best lessons were hard earned. Be nice to yourself.

Astro

(((mair))) Sorry to hear you're having a rough time with this.

Even though I'm sober and focus on a program of recovery, my ex doesn't seem to have any desire for a friendship with me, and I doubt she ever will. Can't say I blame her, after years of lying and deceit how could I ever trust someone like myself again? Even when she does make a friendly gesture I tend to look at it as a green light for our communication to be normal, and for the past to be forgotten. That's not right after 11 years of creating chaos and wreckage.

I heard a speaker at an AA meeting last week share a simple fact: Most alcoholics are not nice people, most of my drinking career and history with relationships didn't focus on being a kind person. It takes a lot of recovery to turn the behavior around, for me it'll be a lifetime of work.

Mair

Thank you Denny (as always) this is one lesson well and truly learned. I really have to let go dont I, a hand of friendship will always get burnt with him.

Mair xx

Mair

Astro, I wish that my A was as strong and honest as you are. Active alcholics are not nice people; recovering alcoholics working a programme are. I pray that one day my A will find soberity, i will be long gone probably but I hope that I could then and only then find it in my heart to forgive.

Mair xx

MsGolightly

mair, what astro says is exactly what my ex has done to me... and probably what yours did to you, and what we've all experienced at one point or another.

i tried to be friends with mine multiple times. it's hard to just lose your best friend, and it's only natural to want to stay in touch with someone you obviously care about. i would go weeks without any contact, and then of course, the phone would ring and i would answer it. it was just nice knowing that i was being thought of, and that maybe we could be friends, or even more again one day. but, like astro said, they tend to think it just erases the past... it's just starting over.

after a few days or weeks of talking and hanging out (during which my ex would get her "fix" of me being the loyal codie that i am), i would always feel the need to bring up the past. the drinking, the cheating, the break up... and my ex would miraculously disappear again.

then the cycle would continue over and over again, but i'd never actually get anywhere. neither one of us would. i kept this ridiculous idea of a friendship growing in my head, and she (almost understandably) understood that no matter what happened in the past, i would always answer the phone when she needed her fix... to know i was still there and still cared.

this is my very long and hijacked way of saying that i've been there... more times than i can probably count. you're not stupid for trying, so don't beat yourself up over it! just move forward. no contact seems to be the only thing that works for me. you can do it!

FormerDoormat

Falling for his promises and lies doesn't make you stupid. It makes you trusting. I, too, learned my lesson the hard way. I gave way too many second, third, and fourth chances. These days, I trust the trustworthy and not folks who have repeatedly lied to, cheated on me, stolen from me, or broken promises to me in the past.

embraced2000

((((mair))))

you are not stupid for doing this. i had to change my inner dialogue about myself when i made choices that didn't work out.

i would never call a friend stupid for making a choice that didnt work out, so why would i call myself stupid?

my self esteem started growing when i quit calling myself bad names.

i've done the same, many many many many times over.........when i stopped doing it, i got even better.

you were hoping things would be different, that's all.....his addiction is still in the way of that happening.

we love them. they are addicts. we have to move on, and quit expecting them to be able to interact like we expect them to, unless they are in recovery.

ya know, i've often wondered......if mine were in active recovery and became the man that i know is buried inside, would we even like each other????? or did we just come together because we were so sick and needed each other for food for our illnesses?

Mair

Thank you all for your supportxx

Mair xx

Lady BlueMiles

And thank YOU for sharing. I don't think you're stupid at all. You are human, and trying to find the best solutions that work for you. We're all on the learning curve.

I'm so sorry it didn't work out.

embraced2000

expectations are setting us up for dissappointment. everytime i re-newed my relationship with my xh, i had expectations that this time it would be different. everytime i was shattered.

so i quit having expectations from him or anyone else. it makes life much easier.

GiveLove

Mair,

You couldn't know until you tried. Now you know what it would be like.

Lesson learned....cut yourself some slack...how could you know?

I tried to be friends with my X but eventually the manipulation just made me so sick to my stomach.

No contact freed me to change my life.

Hugs,
GL

fluffyflea

It's not stupid to extend a hand in friendship but active A's are users and manipulators.

Ngaire

DII

They come in all shapes and sizes. My AW actually told a counselor, at a session with me, that she was mourning the loss of her friend......me! It is a trust thing. Once we move on it is tough to have the same feelings again. There are still feelings on my part because we share children, nieces, nephews, dogs etc......but to go back...I don't think so. This is the toughest part I think, what are we now? Now that I know what I want and what you are?

Janitw

((((((((((((Mair)))))))))))))))

Its called the school of hard knocks......I've been there many times.

Go easy on yourself and don't let him live in your head rent free...not anymore...let it go....let it ALL go.