Renting too much space
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Renting too much space
Just over a year ago XABF announced he was moving out.. living with me was He** and all the rest.
Just under a year ago I discovered the pot room, the stuff he was doing and the rest.
It is sort of funny how anniversaries can trigger your thoughts and this scum-of-the-earth-idiot-cheater-liar-drug dealer (and let me tell you how I REALLY feel!) has been renting WAY too much space in my head.
Well, I have to be rid of him. I tell my head to change the subject (and it does for the time but wanders BACK) and I tell him directly to GET OUT and he does.. for awhile.
Then I receive a bill (I sent a second wave of letters to all his creditors that I dealt with informing him I am not responsible for him or his debts and what his current legal addy and mailing addy's are) and my mind gets turned back.
So.... I have decided I need to change some things. As much as I would like to sell my house, the market is in the tank and taking care of me is real important. Part of that taking care is being sure I am OK financially and selling a house at a loss woudl be detrimental to that goal.
so, I am in this house.. and here is the plan:
About 60% of the furniture in the house he left. It was stuff he got when he was living with his last GF and he did not take it. At the time this was good.. could not replace it anyhow.. but I have decided that some of it needs to be replaced, even if I buy used (china cabinet, end tables etc.). The room he used is still empty. The downstairs needs furnishing.
Here is the plan:
First of all, it is that time of year.. rent a carpet machine and clean all the carpets.
Second: Get a Wallpaper border and repaing thewalls and install border (something pretty) in the spare room that he used to occupy. Move the bed in there and buy (gasp!) me a much needed new bed.... Get new bed clothes for both. Paint the walls in "my" room and add more stencils or border.
Third: Re-arrange the living room and take the love seat and put it in the downstairs den.. and buy (gasp!!!) a full size COUCH for that room. Move my recliner downstairs too.
Fourth: Until I get another china cabinet move the one I have to a different location.
Get out some paint and do something a bit daring a-la-Better Homes & Gardens.
Go downstairs and arrange that den to be what I want. More paint.. maybe... overlay an area rug
Do some paintings and fill the walls instead of having empty space.
And in the end it will be MY HOUSE and MY SPACE and DIFFERENT so I do not see Steve lurking in the shadows everywhere.
Outside, make two new big flower gardens.. all ready for spring....
Any more suggestions and I am listening cuz I do not want Steve there lurking come the NEXT anniversary.. the date he moved out in October! Now it is time for him to be gone from every corner of my HOME.
Just under a year ago I discovered the pot room, the stuff he was doing and the rest.
It is sort of funny how anniversaries can trigger your thoughts and this scum-of-the-earth-idiot-cheater-liar-drug dealer (and let me tell you how I REALLY feel!) has been renting WAY too much space in my head.
Well, I have to be rid of him. I tell my head to change the subject (and it does for the time but wanders BACK) and I tell him directly to GET OUT and he does.. for awhile.
Then I receive a bill (I sent a second wave of letters to all his creditors that I dealt with informing him I am not responsible for him or his debts and what his current legal addy and mailing addy's are) and my mind gets turned back.
So.... I have decided I need to change some things. As much as I would like to sell my house, the market is in the tank and taking care of me is real important. Part of that taking care is being sure I am OK financially and selling a house at a loss woudl be detrimental to that goal.
so, I am in this house.. and here is the plan:
About 60% of the furniture in the house he left. It was stuff he got when he was living with his last GF and he did not take it. At the time this was good.. could not replace it anyhow.. but I have decided that some of it needs to be replaced, even if I buy used (china cabinet, end tables etc.). The room he used is still empty. The downstairs needs furnishing.
Here is the plan:
First of all, it is that time of year.. rent a carpet machine and clean all the carpets.
Second: Get a Wallpaper border and repaing thewalls and install border (something pretty) in the spare room that he used to occupy. Move the bed in there and buy (gasp!) me a much needed new bed.... Get new bed clothes for both. Paint the walls in "my" room and add more stencils or border.
Third: Re-arrange the living room and take the love seat and put it in the downstairs den.. and buy (gasp!!!) a full size COUCH for that room. Move my recliner downstairs too.
Fourth: Until I get another china cabinet move the one I have to a different location.
Get out some paint and do something a bit daring a-la-Better Homes & Gardens.
Go downstairs and arrange that den to be what I want. More paint.. maybe... overlay an area rug
Do some paintings and fill the walls instead of having empty space.
And in the end it will be MY HOUSE and MY SPACE and DIFFERENT so I do not see Steve lurking in the shadows everywhere.
Outside, make two new big flower gardens.. all ready for spring....
Any more suggestions and I am listening cuz I do not want Steve there lurking come the NEXT anniversary.. the date he moved out in October! Now it is time for him to be gone from every corner of my HOME.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
You could also have a "Recovery" themed room. Almost every room in my house has something recovery oriented in it - but the "Serenity Room" is Recovery - Angels, ODAT Plaque, Serenity Prayers & Our Father's Pretty Frames, Framed Photos of my Recovery Family, Butterflys, treasured gifts from by recovery friends, and I'm working on a scrapbook for the room also.
It is a very peaceful place in my home.
Whatever you decided - I'm sure it will be beautiful & peaceful - exactly how it needs to be for you to be cleansed of those previous memories.
Happy Redecorating!!!
It is a very peaceful place in my home.
Whatever you decided - I'm sure it will be beautiful & peaceful - exactly how it needs to be for you to be cleansed of those previous memories.
Happy Redecorating!!!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
New lamps and accessories can make a huge difference, just watch for good sales and....you are a wonderful photographer....find some shots you just love and have them framed!!! That will be all about you and is cheaper than art.
I love your ideas, turn your home into YOUR home.
Hugs
I love your ideas, turn your home into YOUR home.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Elana,
I found two things comforting to me in the past -- changing colors, and physically getting rid of things that I hadn't chosen myself.
Changing the color of a room with paint and paper and borders, you're doing already. I was amazed when I painted a room "he" had been in (in an earlier relationship) a different color, and put down a rug that I bought used at a resale store. It was like a totally different place entirely. Making it smell different (with cinnamon, pine cones, sage sticks) really made it a visceral change, totally under the radar. There wasn't a trace of him left.
I went through a phase (which I think I'm still in) where I don't want to own anything that I don't like/love, even if it's a perceived inconvenience. And when I got rid of some of the things that had been purchased by "that guy", even if I had an empty space and a couple of extra boxes of stuff in storage, I felt cleaner. I could see where I needed to fill it with something I loved (a sofa, a cabinet, a desk).
But that's just me. You're doing great!!!!!!!!!!
That October anniversary doesn't have to mean a darned thing, except the day you got your freedom from addiction's cr@p. Celebrate with an independence day theme
Love,
GL
I found two things comforting to me in the past -- changing colors, and physically getting rid of things that I hadn't chosen myself.
Changing the color of a room with paint and paper and borders, you're doing already. I was amazed when I painted a room "he" had been in (in an earlier relationship) a different color, and put down a rug that I bought used at a resale store. It was like a totally different place entirely. Making it smell different (with cinnamon, pine cones, sage sticks) really made it a visceral change, totally under the radar. There wasn't a trace of him left.
I went through a phase (which I think I'm still in) where I don't want to own anything that I don't like/love, even if it's a perceived inconvenience. And when I got rid of some of the things that had been purchased by "that guy", even if I had an empty space and a couple of extra boxes of stuff in storage, I felt cleaner. I could see where I needed to fill it with something I loved (a sofa, a cabinet, a desk).
But that's just me. You're doing great!!!!!!!!!!
That October anniversary doesn't have to mean a darned thing, except the day you got your freedom from addiction's cr@p. Celebrate with an independence day theme
Love,
GL
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Oh Elana, you're a hoot! You have got it together way more than you think!
I like your thought process. You worked it right on through all the way to the new decor.
YOU ROCK!
I like your thought process. You worked it right on through all the way to the new decor.
YOU ROCK!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
I agree Anvil that I need to work on the anger and hate issue. I understand that and I want it to go away. It is VERY hard when "he" lurks in my house physically. I think changing that will help a LOT to get rid of his physical presence.
I have days when I just give it over to my HP. I really can and I feel the peace so I know it can happen. I am getting better at that, but then something happens and I take it back and want revenge and I get back into a bad place.
I still get bills he has not paid. I was going to post in the newspaper but that no longer has legal standing in my State. So, I sent a letter out to all the people he owed money to when he lived here (and who I used my checks or CC to pay) including the State Tax and IRS folks where he is big time delinquent (may not go to jail for drugs.. may go for tax evasion instead.. which I find very funny). I told them who I was, that "S" and/or his <S corporation> filed in <state> and still listed as active no longer lived at <my address> and had not since <date> and that his last known mailing address was <address> and his last known legal address was <address> and to please not send correspondance dsesignated for him to <me> or <my address>. I sent this out and CC'd everyone including him (at both addy's) and to the person who is now supporting him. I have had to do this TWICE. Maybe I am done doing this.. and it will all go away! I hope so cuz pigs will fly and he** can freeze b4 another nickle of my money goes to help his cause!
Just that action, which is protecting ME and is taking care of ME takes me back to angry hill where I stand and snort and blow fire out my nose over him! (OK.. Laugh.. that IS a funny image)
Yet, when I am somewhere where there are no physical reminders of "him" I can let it go and I know.. I truly KNOW that my HP will deal with S and I truly don't HAVE to. I feel as if I have tremendous personal power thru my HP. In fact, I KNOW I do.
I have never seen it fail.. I have always found that something happens to these guys, totally of their doing and because they have turned their back on their HP.. and I truly need to do nothing. Always it is taken care of but ONLY after I just give it up completely.. and that is where I am.
IOW I am doing it sometimes.. and I need to do it all the time. Knowing this is what has prompted me to change my house around. Honest, I would sell it and move but that is not an option right now that would be good for me. Making it nice.. and mine (and I LVE GL's idea of the smells and spices.. I WILL do that!) will help. It is a step and an effort to be made FOR ME.
If nothing else the hard labor will help me to heal. Hard labor has really always been a good way (a catharsis if I have used the word correctly) for me to move thru something I need to move thru.
I know I am almost there. Just a little push to be all the way there.. not a lot.. and I am sure soon. I can almost see this on the horizon and on that day I will have ultimate peace. On that day I won't snort fire, but song (and lets hope it doesn't come out all snorty.. YUK). LOL
I have days when I just give it over to my HP. I really can and I feel the peace so I know it can happen. I am getting better at that, but then something happens and I take it back and want revenge and I get back into a bad place.
I still get bills he has not paid. I was going to post in the newspaper but that no longer has legal standing in my State. So, I sent a letter out to all the people he owed money to when he lived here (and who I used my checks or CC to pay) including the State Tax and IRS folks where he is big time delinquent (may not go to jail for drugs.. may go for tax evasion instead.. which I find very funny). I told them who I was, that "S" and/or his <S corporation> filed in <state> and still listed as active no longer lived at <my address> and had not since <date> and that his last known mailing address was <address> and his last known legal address was <address> and to please not send correspondance dsesignated for him to <me> or <my address>. I sent this out and CC'd everyone including him (at both addy's) and to the person who is now supporting him. I have had to do this TWICE. Maybe I am done doing this.. and it will all go away! I hope so cuz pigs will fly and he** can freeze b4 another nickle of my money goes to help his cause!
Just that action, which is protecting ME and is taking care of ME takes me back to angry hill where I stand and snort and blow fire out my nose over him! (OK.. Laugh.. that IS a funny image)
Yet, when I am somewhere where there are no physical reminders of "him" I can let it go and I know.. I truly KNOW that my HP will deal with S and I truly don't HAVE to. I feel as if I have tremendous personal power thru my HP. In fact, I KNOW I do.
I have never seen it fail.. I have always found that something happens to these guys, totally of their doing and because they have turned their back on their HP.. and I truly need to do nothing. Always it is taken care of but ONLY after I just give it up completely.. and that is where I am.
IOW I am doing it sometimes.. and I need to do it all the time. Knowing this is what has prompted me to change my house around. Honest, I would sell it and move but that is not an option right now that would be good for me. Making it nice.. and mine (and I LVE GL's idea of the smells and spices.. I WILL do that!) will help. It is a step and an effort to be made FOR ME.
If nothing else the hard labor will help me to heal. Hard labor has really always been a good way (a catharsis if I have used the word correctly) for me to move thru something I need to move thru.
I know I am almost there. Just a little push to be all the way there.. not a lot.. and I am sure soon. I can almost see this on the horizon and on that day I will have ultimate peace. On that day I won't snort fire, but song (and lets hope it doesn't come out all snorty.. YUK). LOL
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
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Posts: 1,497
Oh yeah.. and as to paintings.. I do my own. I am a fine artist and was b4 I did photos (tho I will make some 16X20's and a coupld of 20X24's from my medium format stuff).
(warning.. Brag coming up)
I won my first juried show at age 4 and won the NYS Dental Poster contest at age 11 (use horse sense.. see your dentist). I got straight A's in fine art classes in college in drawing and sculpture.
I did not pursue fine art as a career because of my Father's influence. He violently destroyed all his work.. his entire portfolio and body of work when I was about age 12.. and it was something that frightened me. He did this to hurt himself and gain sympathy and attention. I think it frightened me as I saw the same self destruction in myself.
And now, finally, all these years later, I will be damned if I follow that path.
(warning.. Brag coming up)
I won my first juried show at age 4 and won the NYS Dental Poster contest at age 11 (use horse sense.. see your dentist). I got straight A's in fine art classes in college in drawing and sculpture.
I did not pursue fine art as a career because of my Father's influence. He violently destroyed all his work.. his entire portfolio and body of work when I was about age 12.. and it was something that frightened me. He did this to hurt himself and gain sympathy and attention. I think it frightened me as I saw the same self destruction in myself.
And now, finally, all these years later, I will be damned if I follow that path.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I think your ideas sound wonderful Elana, and I too like the scent idea. The more "girlie" you can make his old room, the better I think. And eventually when the market gets better, all this change will help the resale value in the event you decide to move.
GL, I am in that mode of only buying what I love right now. The regular house has far too much clutter and things that no longer suit my fancy and I am gradually weeding through it (I've got similar ideas to yours Elana, just for different reasons) but I only put things that really speak to me in the mountain place. I'm just enjoying the process...as long as it may take. Sometimes not having a set timeline is good.
GL, I am in that mode of only buying what I love right now. The regular house has far too much clutter and things that no longer suit my fancy and I am gradually weeding through it (I've got similar ideas to yours Elana, just for different reasons) but I only put things that really speak to me in the mountain place. I'm just enjoying the process...as long as it may take. Sometimes not having a set timeline is good.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
That guy stuck me with a wooden desk, old, unattractive, and weighed about a trillion pounds. He left it because it was too much hassle to move. I kept it because a)I couldn't sell it, b)it held my paper clips and files, and c)I couldn't move it.
There's a great technicolor place in my memory where I remember the day I finally went to Home Depot and bought a chainsaw. I heated with wood at the time, and all those bad memories warmed the house nicely for a few days.
Talk about cathartic. Send what's left of him up to the skyyyyyy, baybeeeee!
Love & hugs,
GL
There's a great technicolor place in my memory where I remember the day I finally went to Home Depot and bought a chainsaw. I heated with wood at the time, and all those bad memories warmed the house nicely for a few days.
Talk about cathartic. Send what's left of him up to the skyyyyyy, baybeeeee!
Love & hugs,
GL
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Thread Starter
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I love the idea of burning something that I cannot move or sell. LOL. I already OWN the chain saw.....
Anvil, I agree. Maybe this sounds like an excuse, but I must ask how old you are? If you are young.. still under 45 or so is young in my book, tho for some things to be accomplished you best be under 40 (like going back to Med School or Vet School and actually being able to pay the student loans after graduating).. I digress.. If you are still YOUNG you have more life stretching in front of you than behind. You will reach an age where you will realize that there is now more life stretching BEHIND you than in front.
I am at that second spot. I realize my limitations and some of those are simply time. So, I have tremendous anger at both myself AND these two guys who took so much from me in TIME if nothing else. IOW I let them steal from me a precious, irreplacable commodity. Life is finite. We do not dwell on this, but some things require time. I don't have enough time for amny things I always thought I would get to and I am realistic about it. Fact is, I see some truly young person (in their early 20's) pining after some active addict who is no where near recovery and I want to shout at them to let go and LIVE cuz life is a time constrained and precious commodity.. don't WASTE it.
This is not to say that I have not learned. I have. This is not to say that I have no life left or that what is left I won't do well with. I will do fine. this is not to say my life is not better today than it was b4 recovery, it is. I just wish I had found this about 20 years ago!
Due to the life I have lead up to this point I recognize some truly serious wear and tear issues with my body... They just don't build joints with Grease Zirks and replacement is never as good as the real thing.. the the stupid replacements often have to be replaced because THEY wear out! Some things I thought I would do I realize I cannot and likely can not ever again.. and they are things I love!
While I will never again allow anyone to steal time from me, that which is gone is GONE. The effort I put into that, to my own detriment, taught me a lot but used up precious time that can never be replaced. It is that loss, and the reason for it (both X's and my codieness are to blame) that makes me angry.
The point is, I am at a place where I can FEEL anger loosening its grip. TFinally. I want to give it a hard shove.. and redoing my house is part of that shove. Eventually I will see this as bumps on the side of the road as well. I know that and feel I am near it and I will be there soon.
BTW I have finally moved enough times that I no longer receive mail for me deceased X husband. Took me 5 moves in 6 years to do it.. but I have managed to... (that was not the reason for the moves!).
The correspondance I have been receiving ala XABF has been for bills he incurred since his departure. Sorry. That requires action.. and quick action.
And GL and Greet.. Not sure about buying what I love.. never really been into loving stuff like furniture.. but I will buy stuff I like that fits me and is different than what is here. Somedays (and this needs work, I know), with the exception of myself and my animals and the natural world around me that I do truly love, I wonder if I will ever allow myself to "love" anything/anyone again!
Progress.. not perfection. Perfection is way too anal anyhow!
Anvil, I agree. Maybe this sounds like an excuse, but I must ask how old you are? If you are young.. still under 45 or so is young in my book, tho for some things to be accomplished you best be under 40 (like going back to Med School or Vet School and actually being able to pay the student loans after graduating).. I digress.. If you are still YOUNG you have more life stretching in front of you than behind. You will reach an age where you will realize that there is now more life stretching BEHIND you than in front.
I am at that second spot. I realize my limitations and some of those are simply time. So, I have tremendous anger at both myself AND these two guys who took so much from me in TIME if nothing else. IOW I let them steal from me a precious, irreplacable commodity. Life is finite. We do not dwell on this, but some things require time. I don't have enough time for amny things I always thought I would get to and I am realistic about it. Fact is, I see some truly young person (in their early 20's) pining after some active addict who is no where near recovery and I want to shout at them to let go and LIVE cuz life is a time constrained and precious commodity.. don't WASTE it.
This is not to say that I have not learned. I have. This is not to say that I have no life left or that what is left I won't do well with. I will do fine. this is not to say my life is not better today than it was b4 recovery, it is. I just wish I had found this about 20 years ago!
Due to the life I have lead up to this point I recognize some truly serious wear and tear issues with my body... They just don't build joints with Grease Zirks and replacement is never as good as the real thing.. the the stupid replacements often have to be replaced because THEY wear out! Some things I thought I would do I realize I cannot and likely can not ever again.. and they are things I love!
While I will never again allow anyone to steal time from me, that which is gone is GONE. The effort I put into that, to my own detriment, taught me a lot but used up precious time that can never be replaced. It is that loss, and the reason for it (both X's and my codieness are to blame) that makes me angry.
The point is, I am at a place where I can FEEL anger loosening its grip. TFinally. I want to give it a hard shove.. and redoing my house is part of that shove. Eventually I will see this as bumps on the side of the road as well. I know that and feel I am near it and I will be there soon.
BTW I have finally moved enough times that I no longer receive mail for me deceased X husband. Took me 5 moves in 6 years to do it.. but I have managed to... (that was not the reason for the moves!).
The correspondance I have been receiving ala XABF has been for bills he incurred since his departure. Sorry. That requires action.. and quick action.
And GL and Greet.. Not sure about buying what I love.. never really been into loving stuff like furniture.. but I will buy stuff I like that fits me and is different than what is here. Somedays (and this needs work, I know), with the exception of myself and my animals and the natural world around me that I do truly love, I wonder if I will ever allow myself to "love" anything/anyone again!
Progress.. not perfection. Perfection is way too anal anyhow!
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
Elena, thank you for every word you've posted.
As always I admire your honesty and the way you speak YOUR truth!
Hooray for you as you redo your house.
Glad to know you own a chainsaw. LOL
Ditto for GiveLOve.
Burn up the old and in with the new.
Anger is part of a healing process. It passes with time and eventually forgiveness. We are not meant to stuff it. We are not saints and angels.
As always I admire your honesty and the way you speak YOUR truth!
Hooray for you as you redo your house.
Glad to know you own a chainsaw. LOL
Ditto for GiveLOve.
Burn up the old and in with the new.
Anger is part of a healing process. It passes with time and eventually forgiveness. We are not meant to stuff it. We are not saints and angels.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by Elana 
II recognize some truly serious wear and tear issues with my body... They just don't build joints with Grease Zirks
For those who haven't worked on vehicles, zirks are like little nozzles which, when you go to have your car's oil changed & lubed, they attach the grease gun to squeeze the grease in and lubricate all those squeaky parts. If my knees had those, I'd be so happy!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
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Posts: 1,497
Anvil: I admire you for your courage and your honesty. Now GET ON THAT STUFF!!!
I have always always dreamed big dreams and then pursued them with ever intention of getting them and, in many cases I have. However, the biggest one was to be a veterinarian and I just got too old (somehow). funny how that happens.
Not all of the past was bad. Not all of it was good. I walked out on my first husband after two years. He was simply asexual. Period. And so self involved there was no place for ME or anything else. So, on a stormy winter night I literally walked out. He called my sister and her husband and they picked me up and took me to my parents who told me "Oh it is just one of those quarrels' AND TOOK ME BACK. My words meant nothing. I felt so trapped. I poured myself into my animals and the farm and the work.
So, seeing no place to go, I stayed for another nearly 18 years. About 4 years b4 I left I took a State job. I got thru the training and got to my main job title and then, only after the cows were sold and after the livestock was gone and after I sold my precious horses, I left. Took my cats and my dog and walked. I did not need any help. Had my own job, my own health insurance and my cats and my dog. NO ONE was going to take me BACK and I did not have to go because I was self sufficient.
I divorced him. The first divorce in my family.
A couple of years went by and I met my now XABF.... and another 6 years with him.. and now I am on my own. I stayed self sufficient thru-out that relationship and supported (enabled) him while at it.
He left and I am thankful he did go, but not thankful for what he did.
However, 'thanks' to my family for bringing me back to my husband, and my eventual self sufficiency, I have NEVER been anything BUT self sufficient since then. I will not rely on anyone else ever again to share in the title of MY house or MY farm (if I were to ever get one) or MY Finances. Nope. They have their lives and I have mine and I think that is how it should be. No Trespassing.
I DO look for the future.. but I am sad for the years lost that I could have been more productively pursuing MY dreams that I cannot pursue anymore for a lack of physical ability or lack of just plain TIME.
Aging is highly over rated... especially your body!
I have always always dreamed big dreams and then pursued them with ever intention of getting them and, in many cases I have. However, the biggest one was to be a veterinarian and I just got too old (somehow). funny how that happens.
Not all of the past was bad. Not all of it was good. I walked out on my first husband after two years. He was simply asexual. Period. And so self involved there was no place for ME or anything else. So, on a stormy winter night I literally walked out. He called my sister and her husband and they picked me up and took me to my parents who told me "Oh it is just one of those quarrels' AND TOOK ME BACK. My words meant nothing. I felt so trapped. I poured myself into my animals and the farm and the work.
So, seeing no place to go, I stayed for another nearly 18 years. About 4 years b4 I left I took a State job. I got thru the training and got to my main job title and then, only after the cows were sold and after the livestock was gone and after I sold my precious horses, I left. Took my cats and my dog and walked. I did not need any help. Had my own job, my own health insurance and my cats and my dog. NO ONE was going to take me BACK and I did not have to go because I was self sufficient.
I divorced him. The first divorce in my family.
A couple of years went by and I met my now XABF.... and another 6 years with him.. and now I am on my own. I stayed self sufficient thru-out that relationship and supported (enabled) him while at it.
He left and I am thankful he did go, but not thankful for what he did.
However, 'thanks' to my family for bringing me back to my husband, and my eventual self sufficiency, I have NEVER been anything BUT self sufficient since then. I will not rely on anyone else ever again to share in the title of MY house or MY farm (if I were to ever get one) or MY Finances. Nope. They have their lives and I have mine and I think that is how it should be. No Trespassing.
I DO look for the future.. but I am sad for the years lost that I could have been more productively pursuing MY dreams that I cannot pursue anymore for a lack of physical ability or lack of just plain TIME.
Aging is highly over rated...
especially your body!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Elana,
A lot of thoughts come to mind, but they can pretty much be summarized by WOW. Your recovery is shining!
Our journeys have many parallels. I spent WAAAY too much time in 2 unhealthy marriages. I realized my mistake the day I was to be married, but my dad thought i was just nervous and practically dragged me down the aisle.
I remember when I finally was able to say I was thankful for each horrid marriage, for all of the life lessons I learned. I am a much more self sufficient, self reliable and happier person now. I doubt I would be who I am today without going thru the crud I went thru! I also remember the purging of 'him' out of my life. I took a room at a time and made sure that everything in it reflected a happy and positive ME. Somethings I gave away, some I trashed, some I ceremoniously burned. Bottom line - he's out of my life and I'm a better person for it!
HUGS
Cats
You're an amazing woman.
A lot of thoughts come to mind, but they can pretty much be summarized by WOW. Your recovery is shining!
Our journeys have many parallels. I spent WAAAY too much time in 2 unhealthy marriages. I realized my mistake the day I was to be married, but my dad thought i was just nervous and practically dragged me down the aisle.
I remember when I finally was able to say I was thankful for each horrid marriage, for all of the life lessons I learned. I am a much more self sufficient, self reliable and happier person now. I doubt I would be who I am today without going thru the crud I went thru! I also remember the purging of 'him' out of my life. I took a room at a time and made sure that everything in it reflected a happy and positive ME. Somethings I gave away, some I trashed, some I ceremoniously burned. Bottom line - he's out of my life and I'm a better person for it!
HUGS
Cats
You're an amazing woman.
Bridge CLOSED
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Anvil.. I admire you and I admire your take on FREEDOM.
In all my life it is the one thing I treasured.. even if it was freedom from within a situation I needed to be different. I was free when I rode my horse across a field chasing the cloud shadows. I was free when I baled hay and watched the coyotes teaching their pups to catch the field voles under the windrows I had yet to bale. I was free when I was out on top of the hill on the first really warm day of spring.. taking it all in b4 going on to fix fences.
Today I am also free of the bondage of a relationship with a person who is more inclined to have a relationship with drugs or alcohol than with other people.
as said before.. I ADMIRE you and what you have done. I find great pleasure in your happiness and your freedom.
And I gotta tell ya girl.. I have started over 3 times since I got divorced.. and done a lot of different things in the process.. and learned a lot.. but I have reached a point where I am thinking I better hang tight for a bit.. and not reinvent again right now... at least not in my career.
Cats.. I also admire you and have learned so many things from your posts. I too am grateful for the lesson I have learned from the crud.. I just wish I HAD LEARNED THEM SOONER!!!!! Arrgh!!!
Well, that is how it goes, right? Things happen onyour HP's schedule and not yours.. tho in retrospect, my HP tried to tell me and guide me out way earlier.. but I refused to go. Silly codie me..
In all my life it is the one thing I treasured.. even if it was freedom from within a situation I needed to be different. I was free when I rode my horse across a field chasing the cloud shadows. I was free when I baled hay and watched the coyotes teaching their pups to catch the field voles under the windrows I had yet to bale. I was free when I was out on top of the hill on the first really warm day of spring.. taking it all in b4 going on to fix fences.
Today I am also free of the bondage of a relationship with a person who is more inclined to have a relationship with drugs or alcohol than with other people.
as said before.. I ADMIRE you and what you have done. I find great pleasure in your happiness and your freedom.
And I gotta tell ya girl.. I have started over 3 times since I got divorced.. and done a lot of different things in the process.. and learned a lot.. but I have reached a point where I am thinking I better hang tight for a bit.. and not reinvent again right now... at least not in my career.
Cats.. I also admire you and have learned so many things from your posts. I too am grateful for the lesson I have learned from the crud.. I just wish I HAD LEARNED THEM SOONER!!!!! Arrgh!!!
Well, that is how it goes, right? Things happen onyour HP's schedule and not yours.. tho in retrospect, my HP tried to tell me and guide me out way earlier.. but I refused to go. Silly codie me..
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
I don't know anyone who has not experienced sadness over the losses that are a part of each life. Codies are not unique in this respect. There are good times and bad times in every life. There are parts of my own life that were extremely difficult and I cannot regain any of the time I may have lost over difficult life challenges and losses. Did I waste years of my life? I honestly don't think so. I was living the best way I knew then and I have arrived at today wiser, happier and with hope for tomorrow. The past is gone forever. I cannot change any of it. I've grieved the losses of my life, felt the sadness, let go the hurt, counted my many blessings and come to a place of peace and acceptance.
I'm not dragging the past with me to rain on my parade today. Life is short. Make it sweet just as you're doing Elana. You truly are an amazing woman.
Hugs
I'm not dragging the past with me to rain on my parade today. Life is short. Make it sweet just as you're doing Elana. You truly are an amazing woman.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Elana, Your plan for redecorating sounds great. You sound like a true artist.
Did you ever think of Feng Shui? It has been known to create joy, balance and harmony in the home.
Feng Shui is not a superstition, philosophy or a religion. It is the art and science of living in harmony with our interior and exterior enviorments.
If you google it you can pull up some interesting web sites.
Did you ever think of Feng Shui? It has been known to create joy, balance and harmony in the home.
Feng Shui is not a superstition, philosophy or a religion. It is the art and science of living in harmony with our interior and exterior enviorments.
If you google it you can pull up some interesting web sites.
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