Need Encouragement

Old 09-16-2007, 03:51 PM
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Need Encouragement

I've been rather busy lately with my last semester of student teaching...thus I haven't been around much. Anyway, I feel like I have grown quite a bit over the last month. I've made some seriously stupid mistakes, but have recognized them right when I've made them and have made amends to the best of my ability for those mistakes. Beyond just saying I've done wrong and that I'm trying to do better I have seriously started to really follow through with changing the behavior(s) that have lead me to make those seriously stupid mistakes. Part of that has been recognizing what is a trigger for me and then working hard to not let myself succumb to the trigger. If you can remember some of the crazy drama I have had going on in my life over the last couple of months...with my blog and my ex-rabf's blog and then the blog of another persons that both he and I both seem to really enjoy reading. Anyway, a way I have truly been trying to change is to keep my blog about me, writing on my blog anything having to do with my ex serves me no purpose and only ends up serving to create more issues and problems between he and I. So, I talk now about my student teaching, my biking, the ways I am growing, philisophical things I'm pondering (Since August 20th I haven't written anything regarding my ex on my blog just to give a time frame here) I am also staying away from going to my ex's blog. This is a hard one, which I do really well with for a while but then slip. I've come to realize why I slip and that is due to me reading the other person's blog that both my ex and I both enjoy reading. When I read it and there happens to be a comment left on the blog from my ex to this person I'm triggered and I immediately want to see if he has written anything on his blog....so, I invetiably read what is on his blog and get upset b/c it again has something negative to say about me. Todays was that "I" will never accept the possibility that he has changed...and that "I" am ill-intentioned & poisonous...and that "I" relish and flaunt his hasty and rash reactions from after having engaged in contact with me....oh and he also said that he must stay removed from these people who wish to do him harm and see him fail. So, what did I learn...well that this other person's blog is a trigger for me and a way whether intentionally or unintentionally for my ex-rabf to get at me. What is my response...well, as much as I like reading this person's blog I can't anymore or at least until it is no longer a trigger for me (which it may always be a trigger). I know it is what I have to do to take care of me. It stinks b/c I do like reading her blog. However, I have to stay away from any type of temptation to go and read his and seeing a comment from him is a temptation that I haven't mastered how to control. I am quite argueably upset by what he wrote and am feeling down about myself right now. I'm trying to do the right thing. A month ago I would have gone and written something on my blog about it, but today I won't b/c well you all know why. I have been thinking a lot about living an authentic life lately. Something I until recently haven't been doing. I really want my actions and day to day behavior in life to match completely with who I truly am on the inside and what I truly believe and hold dear to my heart. I want to do the right thing and not feel bad about things I have done at the end of the day. Am I really ill-intentioned and posiounous....do I really want to see him fail and cause him harm? I don't think I am... and I would truly hope that I'm not but is there something I'm not seeing in myself? I need some help here.... I want to right my wrong behavior.
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Old 09-16-2007, 04:22 PM
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Hey there MTB

I guess the answer to your questions is a few more questions.

Are you going to al-anon? Do you have a sponsor? Are you working the steps? and have you considered _not_ reading his blog?

Mike
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Old 09-16-2007, 04:37 PM
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Yes I go to al-anon, yes I have a sponsor and yes I talk to my sponsor and therapist. If you are not familure with the whole situation he started his blog after finding mine and started.... I don't agree with his reasons for starting it but its his reasons. Anyway, I only end up reading his when I'm triggered by the other blog I read that he also reads and so I know for me to not be triggered is to not go and read the other persons blog and thus I won't end up being triggered to read his. It only happens when I read this other blog otherwise I don't think about him or his blog... I'm too busy with other things and my life. I don't want to get into what he is or isn't doing... I'll just simply put it as before he started his blog he was keeping tabs as to what I was doing online thats how he found my blog... He didn't like what was in my blog so he started his own blog and took to following me around both on my blog and watching what I post on here. Its complicated I'd like to believe that he has changed and is the great guy that I have always known was in there but his ACTIONS towards me since he made this so called amends doesn't match the words. I don't know all I know is I have to continue to work on me not go to the persons blog that will trigger me to want to then go and read my ex's blog and to then keep working on matching my actions to my core inner beliefs and values.

I will say that this is all so very hard to explain in a post and it thus when I do post it tends to get confused and misunderstood by readers.

Oh as to the steps...I am working them...I am about to start my second fourth step....did one last year. I will admit that I haven't made a formal amends to my ex-rabf yet. He is on my list and I continue to pray for the willingness and the time to do so.... I know right now is not the time.... I have written him a letter that I have filled away and I have read it to GOD as well as my sponsor. I'd like to one day have to opportunity to give it to him but that time has to come from GOD and not me deciding that it is time. If that makes any sense. URGH I hate when I feel like I'm not communicating my thoughts clearly...its a frustrating feeling.
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Old 09-16-2007, 08:09 PM
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Originally Posted by MTBChick View Post
... all I know is I have to continue to work on me not go to the persons blog that will trigger me to want to then go and read my ex's blog and to then keep working on matching my actions to my core inner beliefs and values.
There you go. Sounds to me like you know exactly what you need to do for your own recovery. Stop going to that other blog that triggers you.

You know, they tell alkies that when they get the urge to drink they should pick up the phone and call another person in recovery. Maybe when you get the urge to get back into _your_ drug of choice, which is going to other people blogs that trigger you, or any such behavior that triggers you, just pick up the phone and call another member of al-anon.

works for me

Mike
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