My bottom
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My bottom
I was going to reply in the thread "does a Co d hit bottom", but I decided to post my own so I can keep coming back to it from time to time to check my progress, so here goes...
My bottom came on May 4th 2007. Was sitting outside with my AH discussing all of the things he's done wrong in life, and trying to understand. He proceeds to make a confession that has forever changed my life. He stated that around 4 years ago, he was drunk and passed out in bed and that my daughter had crawled in bed (as she often does) and that in his drunken state he rolled over thinking it was me and what he said was "she crawled in the bed and I went too far". That was the end of the world for me (or so I thought)....
I can't even begin to explain how I felt, rage, anger, and hatred are far too generous as to what I felt. I just had to walk away, I had to get away from him, I had to tell somebody, so I called his brother, and I called two other friends of mine. I didn't know the exact specifics as to what "I went to far" meant, I couldn't sit around and hear what "I went to far" exactly was.
So the next day I pick my daughter up from a sleepover. When she got in the vehicle I said "your dad told me that he touched you inappropriately, does he do this all of the time?" She welled up in tears and said "no, just once". I asked, "did he hurt you?" (meaning physically, mentally is a given), she said no. I proceeded to tell her that in no way, shape or form was it her fault, and that I was so sorry, and that it would never happen again, and that I would protect her. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it, she said no. I told her that I wasn't going to make her talk about it if she didn't want to, but that whenever she was ready she could tell me about it and she could tell anybody she wanted about it, and that she has nothing to be ashamed of, and again that it wasn't her fault. I then pulled over and just hugged her for a very long time.
to be continued in the next post, as this is probably going to get lengthy and I need a smidge of a break between soul bearing confessions... ( I also needed to post before I chicken out and delete it all before posting)
My bottom came on May 4th 2007. Was sitting outside with my AH discussing all of the things he's done wrong in life, and trying to understand. He proceeds to make a confession that has forever changed my life. He stated that around 4 years ago, he was drunk and passed out in bed and that my daughter had crawled in bed (as she often does) and that in his drunken state he rolled over thinking it was me and what he said was "she crawled in the bed and I went too far". That was the end of the world for me (or so I thought)....
I can't even begin to explain how I felt, rage, anger, and hatred are far too generous as to what I felt. I just had to walk away, I had to get away from him, I had to tell somebody, so I called his brother, and I called two other friends of mine. I didn't know the exact specifics as to what "I went to far" meant, I couldn't sit around and hear what "I went to far" exactly was.
So the next day I pick my daughter up from a sleepover. When she got in the vehicle I said "your dad told me that he touched you inappropriately, does he do this all of the time?" She welled up in tears and said "no, just once". I asked, "did he hurt you?" (meaning physically, mentally is a given), she said no. I proceeded to tell her that in no way, shape or form was it her fault, and that I was so sorry, and that it would never happen again, and that I would protect her. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it, she said no. I told her that I wasn't going to make her talk about it if she didn't want to, but that whenever she was ready she could tell me about it and she could tell anybody she wanted about it, and that she has nothing to be ashamed of, and again that it wasn't her fault. I then pulled over and just hugged her for a very long time.
to be continued in the next post, as this is probably going to get lengthy and I need a smidge of a break between soul bearing confessions... ( I also needed to post before I chicken out and delete it all before posting)
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As a side note, the AH wanted me to call the police the night he made his confession, and it just pissed me off. I told him, no, you don't get off that easy. I told him that he wasn't going to go to jail and leave us responsible for picking up the pieces of the mess he created.
So in the mean time, I'm communicating how I'm feeling, what is going on etc.. to the three that I did tell about all of this. One of the three, I knew as soon as I dialed her phone number that it was a bad idea, another the other two out of the three both concurred. Those reasons will come light later on in the story.
I also sent my AH an email, (because face to face discussion at this time would entail nothing more than me murdering him). I stated that he would get himself in an alcohol rehab program and that he would never see his daughter while under the influence of alcohol ever again, and that in the short term, he would get the house and yard ready for her 10th birthday party that she'd been planning and was so excited about. (it was a Hawaiian luau pool party with real flowers to make lei's, she was born in Hawaii).
So, all is fine and good, going with my plan to split from him and keep her away etc... I picked her up from school and I needed to swing by the house for some things. We pull up in the driveway and AH is working on the pool. My daughter's face lights up and she jumps out of the vehicle and runs over and proceeds to help her dad with the pool. Starts chatting him up like nothing ever happened. They both commence to doing pool repairs. I'm left standing there wondering, "okay, what the hell do I do now?" Do I go nab her and leave? Am I wrong in letting her talk to him? What the hell do you do in these situations, it's not like there is a freakin instruction manual.
So I proceed to tell my one friend of this new development, she doesn't email me back. The next day my daughter asked if her dad could take her to school and pick her up so they could plan my mother's day gift (which is the day after her birthday). So I agree. I'm home by myself and a few hours in to the day I get a knock at my door and it is the police...
More to follow, stay tuned....
So in the mean time, I'm communicating how I'm feeling, what is going on etc.. to the three that I did tell about all of this. One of the three, I knew as soon as I dialed her phone number that it was a bad idea, another the other two out of the three both concurred. Those reasons will come light later on in the story.
I also sent my AH an email, (because face to face discussion at this time would entail nothing more than me murdering him). I stated that he would get himself in an alcohol rehab program and that he would never see his daughter while under the influence of alcohol ever again, and that in the short term, he would get the house and yard ready for her 10th birthday party that she'd been planning and was so excited about. (it was a Hawaiian luau pool party with real flowers to make lei's, she was born in Hawaii).
So, all is fine and good, going with my plan to split from him and keep her away etc... I picked her up from school and I needed to swing by the house for some things. We pull up in the driveway and AH is working on the pool. My daughter's face lights up and she jumps out of the vehicle and runs over and proceeds to help her dad with the pool. Starts chatting him up like nothing ever happened. They both commence to doing pool repairs. I'm left standing there wondering, "okay, what the hell do I do now?" Do I go nab her and leave? Am I wrong in letting her talk to him? What the hell do you do in these situations, it's not like there is a freakin instruction manual.
So I proceed to tell my one friend of this new development, she doesn't email me back. The next day my daughter asked if her dad could take her to school and pick her up so they could plan my mother's day gift (which is the day after her birthday). So I agree. I'm home by myself and a few hours in to the day I get a knock at my door and it is the police...
More to follow, stay tuned....
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So, ding dong, it's the police calling...
They come in the house and ask me if I knew why they were there. I told them yes, I can deduce as to why they are paying me a visit. They proceed to ask me questions regarding my discussion with my AH and his confession. I told them honestly what he had told me. They knew my AH was to pick her up at school. They decided to pick him and her up at her school. I asked that they please not terrify and embarrass my daughter by doing so and to please let me pick her up. I begged and pleaded to no avail.
I drove the social services lady to the police station with me, (apparently they figured I needed a chaperone). I waited until they brought them both in and I sat in on the interview with the police and my daughter. She had all of her mother's day gifts she had made for me at school in hand, a lovely potted plant with a hand painted pot. It was all so surreal. Like a bad bad movie. They asked her what happened, and mind you, at this point and time, I didn't know the details of what actually happened, as I didn't want to force her in to telling and I wasn't about to get it from him. My daughter stated that my AH rolled over and fondled her for about 10-30 seconds, (which is subjective, as how is a child in that situation to know time, could have been longer) and he stopped, and she got up and went to the couch and they never spoke of it again.
It may sound sickening, but when I heard what had actually happened from her, I was hugely relieved. I had spent my time not knowing, envisioning the full blown rape of my daughter who was at the time of the incident, 6 years old. When the confession that you have heard as "I went to far", it leaves much in the way of possibilities. And please don't think that I am of the mindset of "well if that is all he did, it's okay", it is in no way okay. I was merely much relieved that my daughter was not penetrated.
So, as I am on my way home from the police department with my daughter, my phone rings, and it is a friend of mine who's caught wind of a terrible rumor. I tell her the truth of the rumor, but the rumor as it spread throughout the community is that my AH has molested every child in the county and has been molesting out daughter every day of her life since she can remember.
I get home, take a look around the house, and there was so much to be done, as it is the day before my daughter's 10'th birthday. How do I do all that needs done with her father in jail? And Oh my god, her father is in jail the day before her birthday, she's been put through the ringer at the police station and we have a party to throw.
At this point I'm running on sheer adreniline. The party must go on!!! In the mean time, I had to tell my family, take collect calls from the AH in jail (who's never been to jail) to tell me who to get in touch with to post bail. I realize I'm going in to some nitnoid details, but I want you all to understand, and I need to get out, much of what was going on as my world was falling apart, (well, it had fallen apart long ago, I was just getting smacked in the face with reality at this point).
need a break, but I still have more to say about my bottom (I could make a joke about that I think lol "my bottom")
They come in the house and ask me if I knew why they were there. I told them yes, I can deduce as to why they are paying me a visit. They proceed to ask me questions regarding my discussion with my AH and his confession. I told them honestly what he had told me. They knew my AH was to pick her up at school. They decided to pick him and her up at her school. I asked that they please not terrify and embarrass my daughter by doing so and to please let me pick her up. I begged and pleaded to no avail.
I drove the social services lady to the police station with me, (apparently they figured I needed a chaperone). I waited until they brought them both in and I sat in on the interview with the police and my daughter. She had all of her mother's day gifts she had made for me at school in hand, a lovely potted plant with a hand painted pot. It was all so surreal. Like a bad bad movie. They asked her what happened, and mind you, at this point and time, I didn't know the details of what actually happened, as I didn't want to force her in to telling and I wasn't about to get it from him. My daughter stated that my AH rolled over and fondled her for about 10-30 seconds, (which is subjective, as how is a child in that situation to know time, could have been longer) and he stopped, and she got up and went to the couch and they never spoke of it again.
It may sound sickening, but when I heard what had actually happened from her, I was hugely relieved. I had spent my time not knowing, envisioning the full blown rape of my daughter who was at the time of the incident, 6 years old. When the confession that you have heard as "I went to far", it leaves much in the way of possibilities. And please don't think that I am of the mindset of "well if that is all he did, it's okay", it is in no way okay. I was merely much relieved that my daughter was not penetrated.
So, as I am on my way home from the police department with my daughter, my phone rings, and it is a friend of mine who's caught wind of a terrible rumor. I tell her the truth of the rumor, but the rumor as it spread throughout the community is that my AH has molested every child in the county and has been molesting out daughter every day of her life since she can remember.
I get home, take a look around the house, and there was so much to be done, as it is the day before my daughter's 10'th birthday. How do I do all that needs done with her father in jail? And Oh my god, her father is in jail the day before her birthday, she's been put through the ringer at the police station and we have a party to throw.
At this point I'm running on sheer adreniline. The party must go on!!! In the mean time, I had to tell my family, take collect calls from the AH in jail (who's never been to jail) to tell me who to get in touch with to post bail. I realize I'm going in to some nitnoid details, but I want you all to understand, and I need to get out, much of what was going on as my world was falling apart, (well, it had fallen apart long ago, I was just getting smacked in the face with reality at this point).
need a break, but I still have more to say about my bottom (I could make a joke about that I think lol "my bottom")
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As an intermission, I want you all to know I'm writing this because I want your thoughts and I want input to what I am writing because you all have an incredible ability to see red flags. I am trying to climb out of my rock bottom and I am seriously trying to look at what has happened with a sound mind, and I am hoping to address any parts that may be denial in on my part. Please voice your opinions freely, I will take no offense, and trust me, I've heard and dealt with plenty "how could you let this happen" opinions throughout these couple of month's of hell.
Anyway, thanks for listening.
Anyway, thanks for listening.
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Yeesh, I'm still only to the day of my daughter's birthday. They day I got up in the AM, drained my bank account, borrowed more, and bailed my AH out of jail so my daughter didn't have to bear the stress and anxiety of her dad being in jail for her big day. She was already bummed out enough that he would not be able to be there. He was not permitted any contact with her whatsoever after his arrest.
As another aside, and for some more understanding as to my mind frame at this point... My feelings were that I wished this man were dead, yet my daughter, who this all happened to, adores him. How does one go about punishing a man who fully deserves it, without doing more harm to a child who loves this man dearly?
So, I bail him out of jail, drop him at a hotel, head to the grocery store, grab a birthday cake and balloons, and off to a party I go.
I survived! But just barely. Walking Zombie that I was. Although, I did manage to pull it off, socialize with the party goers parents, string leis, take pictures, sing happy birthday.....
So now what? After the crowd goes away, now what?
As another aside, and for some more understanding as to my mind frame at this point... My feelings were that I wished this man were dead, yet my daughter, who this all happened to, adores him. How does one go about punishing a man who fully deserves it, without doing more harm to a child who loves this man dearly?
So, I bail him out of jail, drop him at a hotel, head to the grocery store, grab a birthday cake and balloons, and off to a party I go.
I survived! But just barely. Walking Zombie that I was. Although, I did manage to pull it off, socialize with the party goers parents, string leis, take pictures, sing happy birthday.....
So now what? After the crowd goes away, now what?
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We move in with my parents, I set up an appointment for my daughter to see a counselor. We go see the counselor, I explain all that happened and what my daughter's mindframe is. Which leads me to my daughters mindframe...
When the police interviewed my daughter they asked her how she dealt with what her father did. She said "I got over it", the asked her how she got over it. She said "I just never climbed in bed with him again". I asked her many times, "are you okay?" She would say to me, "mom, really, you worry too much, you need to stop, I'm okay".
So anyway, I take her to her psychologist and do the explaining, and when my daughter comes in to talk to the therapist, the therapist said to her "so let me get this straight, this happened 4 years ago, you're over it, you've dealt with it, and now everyone is crapping all over your life?". My daughter was instantly relieved, you could see it in her, she was so sick of everyone bringing this up and making her relive it constantly. She opened right up to her and told her how she felt about what had happened, which was angry, and that it bothered her very much that her dad drank all of the time, but she she was also bothered with everyone being horrible to him after all of this came out and that she just wanted to go home, and she just wanted to see her dad.
When the police interviewed my daughter they asked her how she dealt with what her father did. She said "I got over it", the asked her how she got over it. She said "I just never climbed in bed with him again". I asked her many times, "are you okay?" She would say to me, "mom, really, you worry too much, you need to stop, I'm okay".
So anyway, I take her to her psychologist and do the explaining, and when my daughter comes in to talk to the therapist, the therapist said to her "so let me get this straight, this happened 4 years ago, you're over it, you've dealt with it, and now everyone is crapping all over your life?". My daughter was instantly relieved, you could see it in her, she was so sick of everyone bringing this up and making her relive it constantly. She opened right up to her and told her how she felt about what had happened, which was angry, and that it bothered her very much that her dad drank all of the time, but she she was also bothered with everyone being horrible to him after all of this came out and that she just wanted to go home, and she just wanted to see her dad.
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I am getting to the end of my long drawn out story of woe, but I think it will have to wait until tomorrow. I'm tired. And thanks again for reading and commenting (if anyone does). I know this is long, but I need to get it out there. I'm tired of hiding all of the dirty laundry. Which is what I did before I hit bottom, every horrible thing was hidden, or minimized due to my own sense of shame for not being able to control my life and the lives of those I love.
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(((((hmbld))))))
just keep writing. getting it all out is the beginning of healing.
god bless you and your daughter.
i'm so sorry your baby girl had to experience this. and i know it must have broken your heart.
much love to you
jeri
just keep writing. getting it all out is the beginning of healing.
god bless you and your daughter.
i'm so sorry your baby girl had to experience this. and i know it must have broken your heart.
much love to you
jeri
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I'm so sorry for what you and your daughter have been going through.
I've noticed on another thread of yours you were contemplating marriage counseling and touched on individual counseling, for yourself. Have you given any more thought to that (meaning, individual)?
I know when I was going through my own 'depths of hell' so-to-speak, it really helped me keep focused on what 'my needs are'.
I'll wait to hear the rest of your story to see if your daughter continued her counseling.
Get a good night's sleep!
I've noticed on another thread of yours you were contemplating marriage counseling and touched on individual counseling, for yourself. Have you given any more thought to that (meaning, individual)?
I know when I was going through my own 'depths of hell' so-to-speak, it really helped me keep focused on what 'my needs are'.
I'll wait to hear the rest of your story to see if your daughter continued her counseling.
Get a good night's sleep!
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Originally Posted by ICU 
I'm so sorry for what you and your daughter have been going through.
I've noticed on another thread of yours you were contemplating marriage counseling and touched on individual counseling, for yourself. Have you given any more thought to that (meaning, individual)?
I know when I was going through my own 'depths of hell' so-to-speak, it really helped me keep focused on what 'my needs are'.
I'll wait to hear the rest of your story to see if your daughter continued her counseling.
I've noticed on another thread of yours you were contemplating marriage counseling and touched on individual counseling, for yourself. Have you given any more thought to that (meaning, individual)?
I know when I was going through my own 'depths of hell' so-to-speak, it really helped me keep focused on what 'my needs are'.
I'll wait to hear the rest of your story to see if your daughter continued her counseling.
Thanks, my daughter is a trooper, she never ceases to amaze me, she's an impressive human being.
I'm telling my story as part of the process of focusing on me. it's a really difficult thing for me to put this story out there. It is written proof that my life was/is in turmoil (which is a bit of an understatement). And mostly to lay it all out there, so everyone knows what they're dealing with. Just a humbled, former know it all, desperately trying to salvage what is left that isn't broken (in me).
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Welcome to SR hmbld,,,,
First I'd like to say, you do the toughest job inthe world, being a Mom,,,
You've taken care of your daughter, shown a COMMITTMENT to protecting her, and led by example.
Now comes the tough part. Showing her, again throught the power of example, that we CHOOSE what we accept in this life.
I like your screenname.
I've often said to myself, as I've ventured through this journey called recovery how "humbled" I have become. Opened my core to the possibility that I just might not have all the answers. Reached out for help and support and the love of those who understand to catch me when I fall.
you have taken the first baby step,,
What's your plans for the next?
Peace
First I'd like to say, you do the toughest job inthe world, being a Mom,,,
You've taken care of your daughter, shown a COMMITTMENT to protecting her, and led by example.
Now comes the tough part. Showing her, again throught the power of example, that we CHOOSE what we accept in this life.
I like your screenname.
I've often said to myself, as I've ventured through this journey called recovery how "humbled" I have become. Opened my core to the possibility that I just might not have all the answers. Reached out for help and support and the love of those who understand to catch me when I fall. you have taken the first baby step,,
What's your plans for the next?
Peace
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Originally Posted by kj21
You are an amazing person!!!!
Thanks, I hear that a lot, but some days it is hard to feel that, but I'm trying to put it all in perspective and to stop obsessing on my failures. It is no easy task.
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God bless, you, truly. I am so sorry. I have to believe that you and me, and everyone else who is hurting from this thing called codependency can recover, I mean, we want our "A"s to get better, (and we must somehow believe its possible or we wouldn't hold on to the "dream") so why can't we? Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you so much.
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Originally Posted by CE Girl
What's your plans for the next?
The protective order against my AH was lifted after the States Attorney reviewed the circumstances, interviewed my daughter, and spoke with her therapist. AH has been in an intensive outpatient program as well as going to AA. He also had a psychological evaluation at John's Hopkins in order to determine his sexual health. Essentially testing to determine if he was a pedophile, which it was determined he was not.
My daughter was away at Girl Scout Camp the week the determination was made with regards to visitation. I agreed to allow him to ride up with me to pick her up when she returned. There were lots of happy tears from her when she saw him standing there. We all spent the day together and we went back to my mom's.
My feelings were mixed. After months of seeing the pain my daughter went through due to not seeing her father were finally over, but my pain was now going to have to be addressed. During the period of time that she was not permitted to see him, my focus was on getting her through her rough times, my feelings, my wants, and my needs would have to finally be addressed. Sounds like a good thing, but talk about terrifying. I didn't want to deal with me, because it is much easier for me to take care of other's than take care of myself. I don't even know if I can take care of myself (emotionally). I'm wonder woman when it comes to taking care of other's needs, as most of us on here are.
So anyway. She wants to move back home, so we move back home. It was tense to put it mildly. We didn't fight, but you could just cut the tension in the air with a knife. Both of us (AH and I) were walking on eggshells around each other. Not really being nice and not really being mean. We just tolerated each other for the greater good of making our daughter happy.
This is where I actually think I hit my rock bottom, not in May when all of this happened, because as bad as it was, I still had a deflection, I had my daughter to focus all of my energy on. Making her happy was my focus. Getting her through her rough time was my focus. Now I am front and center and I was at an absolute loss. All I could feel was anger, resentment, sadness, hopelessness, the whole nine yards. It took everything in me to just get dressed in the morning.
One day I was laying there and the recovering AH quietly said to me, "you know, it really helped me to just get up and get out of the house, to just drive or go somewhere other than here". It struck me that he was no longer the toxic influence in the house. I was, and that my AH had become the sane, rational one. Talk about a wake up.
So, that is what I am trying to do. Wake up and get myself together. I still have a long road ahead, but at least I'm trying. I'm really trying, not just going through the motions. I'm going to try and rebuild myself, and maybe rebuild my family. I am trying to forgive myself, then maybe forgive him. But how do you forgive that, ya know? I feel guilty for even liking him some days, and I do like him now that he is sober. But forgiving him is going to be huge. I feel like a failure as a mother to forgive, even though my daughter already has. I have yet to figure out if making the decision to try with him is an act of strength or an incredible act of weakness. Only time will tell I suppose.
So there you have it, that is my story.
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I think you were incredibly strong in light of everything you had to go through. Brighter times are ahead. Weekly or bi-weekly counselling might be a good thing for you at this point to work on boundary and feeling issues. I went through a similar situation, but my AH would not admit to having French-kissed our 6-year old daughter. His dishonesty made it impossible for me to even think about continuing to live with him under the same roof. As it stands, he is only allowed to see the kids under supervision now. I think, had he been honest about his actions and taken some steps to pay for his sins, I would have been able to try to work on the relationship.
In your case, that he confessed his mistake to you and that he is not a pedophile are some really positive points. But, there is one problem left to fix. What are your needs and what can't you accept in your life? That your husband is dry, doesn't mean that life around him is easy.
In your case, that he confessed his mistake to you and that he is not a pedophile are some really positive points. But, there is one problem left to fix. What are your needs and what can't you accept in your life? That your husband is dry, doesn't mean that life around him is easy.
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Welcome to SR hmbld! So glad that you found us....
The amazing amount of strength that you have shown in your posts astound me! Keep writing-it cleanses our souls and let's us get everything out no matter what it is and we feel so better.
Your little girl is a barrell of strength and courage to let you know what happened. Glad to know she is getting the help that she needs.
I have found that with writing it helps but, what helps me even more is my counselor one on one! It allows me to go in there even if I had a bad drive up to see my counselor and someone cut me off! I do not yell at the person who cut me off (that gets me no where they cannot hear me!) but if it bothers me that much...I yell at my counselor...I let go of everything inside because she is my "safe place" to do so! I truly believe that one on one when we are dealing with such traumatic things is a much better way to fee our minds!
Keep posting and glad that you are here!
The amazing amount of strength that you have shown in your posts astound me! Keep writing-it cleanses our souls and let's us get everything out no matter what it is and we feel so better.
Your little girl is a barrell of strength and courage to let you know what happened. Glad to know she is getting the help that she needs.
I have found that with writing it helps but, what helps me even more is my counselor one on one! It allows me to go in there even if I had a bad drive up to see my counselor and someone cut me off! I do not yell at the person who cut me off (that gets me no where they cannot hear me!) but if it bothers me that much...I yell at my counselor...I let go of everything inside because she is my "safe place" to do so! I truly believe that one on one when we are dealing with such traumatic things is a much better way to fee our minds!
Keep posting and glad that you are here!
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Wake up and get myself together.
I find, when you take the BIG picture all at once, it becomes overwhelming. If you "sort" it into manageable peices, make "mini" goals outta of those peices, and put your head down and plow forward, you soon find yourself closer to your goal.
For me, the BIG goal was deciding what I wanted to BE when I grew up
As you can imagine, trying to answer that question, made the goal a tad hard to acheive. Daunting to say the least.
So, I decided to first figure out my fav color.
Hmmm,,,red? NAW, to bold,. Blue? Ya, its nice, I love the color of the sky and sea. And my bathroom looked pretty good in it too,,,lol. but what soothed me, made me go ahhhhhhhhhhhh,,was green. When I discected my choice, I realized I loved it since childhood. My first step in begining to live life in reverse.
Anyway, I've had my head down plowing forward for about 6 months now. Working on ME. Giving to ME. And you know how I do that? Simple. by working MY program al anon, my sponsor, SR, HEATHY and SUPPORTIVE friends and family) and turning the rest over to my spirits. They only give me what I can handle.
Recently, I picked my head up and saw how much closer that "goal" is,,,
But I will stay humble, put it back down and figure out the next "mini" goal. I'm thinking it will be somehow once again be on something that makes ME happy,,
Does any of this make sense?
Peace
PS, I Echo the others, you have amazing strength, but maybe its time to lean on others?
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