back to square one..
trying to get it..
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 286
back to square one..
I slipped...back to day one again...I have to confess because its killing me not too..I did all the wrong things or that is I didn’t do what I had been doing for my 47 days that I didn’t drink..that is, I was home Friday as its my every other Friday off from work..I didn’t get busy , I didn’t take my own advice..I stopped posting here, I didn’t go to my usual Friday meeting or even look forward to it as to help me get though the day.....I am sitting here now with the same old feelings of dread...add to that I am seeing my father for the first time in 15 years next weekend..which I am dreading..hes flying out here from NYC......I am so damn thirsty right now..trying to con my wife into going and getting me a bottle....
Also, I must confess that I have lagged on getting sponsor, becasue..well, I wasn’t serious it appears about stopping and talked myself into mindset that I was waiting for just the right person to come along and approach as a sponsor..just BS rationalization.....I must get one, I need that sppt. ....
Don’t do what I did..for those of you reading this and are on the edge.....stay busy get to meetings and keep going..get a sponsor......
Also, I must confess that I have lagged on getting sponsor, becasue..well, I wasn’t serious it appears about stopping and talked myself into mindset that I was waiting for just the right person to come along and approach as a sponsor..just BS rationalization.....I must get one, I need that sppt. ....
Don’t do what I did..for those of you reading this and are on the edge.....stay busy get to meetings and keep going..get a sponsor......
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Minneapolis,Mn.
Posts: 52
Carl....I'm right where you're at...
In and out of the program after 60-90 days.... It scares me that I may not have the willingness to go back to the rooms of AA.....I need to smash the idea that it's about how much I drink...I don't drink to blackout and rarely get "nasty drunk"...for the most part it's 4-6 beers daily and only after work...No cravings in the morning..That's the BS this disease will tell me. But, unless I truly admit that fact, I will stay at the jumping off place. I don't want to waste my sponser time because it's simply where I'm at right now...
trying to get it..
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 286
thanx for posting denver.....i am also, confused and scared...i have to go to my meeting Tuesday and confess..and ask if someone will sponsor me...it scares the sit out of me......I am so used to being the “A” type personality that has all the answers. I have not come down from that and faced the fact I am a drunk....when i drink, I drink to get totally plastered..i cannot drink a glass of wine without chuggin it.....thx for listening....but we have to get a sponsor denver..we have to....whats more we have to CALL them when the beast is loose, telling you its okay to have a few which for us means too many.........
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CA Native
Posts: 2,509
DUDE...
Bummer!
I feel for you man. Been there, done that. It's a pretty sucky feeling, I know.
I'd hazard a guess that we ALL have here at SR, save a few extremely lucky folks who really 'got it' the first time they entered 'the rooms'. They are a rare bird, trust me. And those few that did were almost certainly at a 'lower bottom' than you now are ... which does make it a little more likely the program will work the first time.
My point here is ... don't be too hard on yourself. Quitting is NOT EASY, especially if you haven't reached a point in your life where a legitimate sense of 'this is LIFE or DEATH' sets in.
My best advice is to 'keep coming back', this time, be humble, admit you're powerless to your innermost self and that you need help to beat this thing. Then, ask the group for help finding a sponsor. Then, of course, work the steps. Keep it simple. Do what the program tells you to do, and don't question it. It works if you work it.
Above all, don't feel embarrassed to go back to the group and admit your relapse. Honesty is a HUGE part of this thing, remember that. Don't forget that the program still needs you, now, in fact, even more than ever. And you still need IT.
It takes most people a number of times 'in and out' before they really get it, but if you don't get back t IN, you never will...
Bummer!
I feel for you man. Been there, done that. It's a pretty sucky feeling, I know.
I'd hazard a guess that we ALL have here at SR, save a few extremely lucky folks who really 'got it' the first time they entered 'the rooms'. They are a rare bird, trust me. And those few that did were almost certainly at a 'lower bottom' than you now are ... which does make it a little more likely the program will work the first time.
My point here is ... don't be too hard on yourself. Quitting is NOT EASY, especially if you haven't reached a point in your life where a legitimate sense of 'this is LIFE or DEATH' sets in.
My best advice is to 'keep coming back', this time, be humble, admit you're powerless to your innermost self and that you need help to beat this thing. Then, ask the group for help finding a sponsor. Then, of course, work the steps. Keep it simple. Do what the program tells you to do, and don't question it. It works if you work it.
Above all, don't feel embarrassed to go back to the group and admit your relapse. Honesty is a HUGE part of this thing, remember that. Don't forget that the program still needs you, now, in fact, even more than ever. And you still need IT.
It takes most people a number of times 'in and out' before they really get it, but if you don't get back t IN, you never will...
Coffee Drinker
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Lobstah Land
Posts: 1,122
Like bvaljalo said, don't beat yourself up too much. My sponsor told me to put the bat away.
You have learned a great deal with your 47 sober days. Just keep moving forward and up from here.
Hang in there,
Ted
You have learned a great deal with your 47 sober days. Just keep moving forward and up from here.
Hang in there,
Ted
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,876
Carl, I can feel your disappointment and understand your feelings of guilt! Don't let it drive you to pick up again..it is over, you are safe and obviously still willing to make this change in your life. I am sober 3 months and am terrified to drink because I know I won't just want one...I will never want just one, never had before.
If your worring about getting a sponser is keeping you from attending meetings.....PLEASE don't let it, you will get one, sometimes it takes a little time.
Just make meetings...listen to the pain, and more importantly listen to the joy....Freedom is here for all of us one day at a time.....
I can identify with you in regards to your father....so many emotions...you need to feel them sober....you CAN deal with this....God gave you the strength, grab it and use it! We are all strong, I need to prove it to me, and you need to prove it to you. We are NOT the sum of our drinking!
Best of luck...keep coming back!
If your worring about getting a sponser is keeping you from attending meetings.....PLEASE don't let it, you will get one, sometimes it takes a little time.
Just make meetings...listen to the pain, and more importantly listen to the joy....Freedom is here for all of us one day at a time.....
I can identify with you in regards to your father....so many emotions...you need to feel them sober....you CAN deal with this....God gave you the strength, grab it and use it! We are all strong, I need to prove it to me, and you need to prove it to you. We are NOT the sum of our drinking!
Best of luck...keep coming back!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Hi Carl,
I've missed you too.
It is a daily routine that works for me. I have to keep a balance between the physical, mental and spiritual parts of my life. If I lag for a few days in one area or another, I feel it.
I've missed you too.
It is a daily routine that works for me. I have to keep a balance between the physical, mental and spiritual parts of my life. If I lag for a few days in one area or another, I feel it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 40
Believe...
Hi Carl,
I totally understand...Dont be hard on yourself...
I can tell you I was in the program last year, stayed really focused for 28 days, while things were in the ******* in my life and then when things got a lot better, I deceived myself into thinkiing that a few on the weekend would be ok...then turned into 5 days a week, then 7 days/wk, and I'm a serious binger...and this lasted until last week...when I would say things hit serious bottom physically with all the symptoms - **** stools, muscle twitches, DTs, etc, etc...
Now, I'm f*****n sh*t scared to pick up another drink, cuz I know then next time this happens, I am most probably gonna croak, alone...in some hospital bed...with internal bleeding from stomach to liver...Its terrible dude and I'm only 33 years old...I had everyting going for me...and I want it all back...
So welcome back...one day at a time dude...I was also terrified about meeting my father this year and I slipped then, but now, I know, for sure, that my sobriety is my breathing line and nothing else matters - without it I will not exist...
So keep praying to whatever you believe in, even it is nothing... go to the meetings...I think of them as my lifeline, my daily dose and my hook.
Cheers,
mkvan
I totally understand...Dont be hard on yourself...
I can tell you I was in the program last year, stayed really focused for 28 days, while things were in the ******* in my life and then when things got a lot better, I deceived myself into thinkiing that a few on the weekend would be ok...then turned into 5 days a week, then 7 days/wk, and I'm a serious binger...and this lasted until last week...when I would say things hit serious bottom physically with all the symptoms - **** stools, muscle twitches, DTs, etc, etc...
Now, I'm f*****n sh*t scared to pick up another drink, cuz I know then next time this happens, I am most probably gonna croak, alone...in some hospital bed...with internal bleeding from stomach to liver...Its terrible dude and I'm only 33 years old...I had everyting going for me...and I want it all back...
So welcome back...one day at a time dude...I was also terrified about meeting my father this year and I slipped then, but now, I know, for sure, that my sobriety is my breathing line and nothing else matters - without it I will not exist...
So keep praying to whatever you believe in, even it is nothing... go to the meetings...I think of them as my lifeline, my daily dose and my hook.
Cheers,
mkvan
trying to get it..
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 286
well made it to work today.....and feel the drunk I had left in me is gone..please let it be so...I missed the energy I had when I wasn't drinking.....this sux...it really realy does....
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