daisyjen

My AH has been sober since Jan and we have 3 sons, 14, 11, and 7. There is still a lot of tension in our house after all of this time. It seems I cant do anything right. My husband expects sex at any given moment and makes our lives a living hell if I dont give in. He gets it plenty, so its not like he is starving. Anyway, yesterday, I woke up, got out of bed about 730 and started housecleaning. He got up about an hr later with a puss on his face saying how he was waiting for me all of that time... The whole day, he ignored me and was nasty to the boys. Later that evening our 2 older ones got into it and the older one slapped the younger. I got in the middle and tried to discipline the older one for doing that but also yelled at the younger one for throwing his football cleat into the wall (which is why his brother slapped him). The whole time my husband was watching and when I was done, he said, "Is that all you are going to do?". So I told him to handle it if he could do better. So, he proceeded to tell the older one that the next time he touches his brothers he will knock his teeth down his throat and more things worse than that. And he said "and your mom can call the cops cause I know that what she wants anyway". He has always taken his anger out on me first and then our oldest, so I am a little more protective of him. Also, I am upset because of an incident that happened a few weeks ago... Our oldest had friends over while I was out and my husband was home. I came back and I could tell by their demeanors that something was going on. They kept saying something about "pull-ups" as in the exercise. They were obviously looking for a reaction from me, but I ignored them. Well 2 wks of this pull-up stuff went on before my husband told me what it was about. We have a canopy over our bed and the boys were joking that I do pull-ups over my husband...and my husband thinks this is funny!!! These are 14 yr olds, first of all..... These are my sons friends, not my husbands...They are talking about me in a sexual way!!....NOT FUNNY, MORE LIKE REPULSIVE! Well, last wk we were at a water park with these kids and one came up and said "Mrs --, Mr-- wants to know how many pull-ups you can do?" My husband and the other boys were on the side of the pool, just laughing, while I felt sick and disgusted. I tried to talk to my husband later about it but he started getting angry and I am TRYING to keep everything on an even keel. Someone tell me what to do!!! Please!

ICU

(((DaisyJen)))

The amount of disrespect towards you that you have described makes me just want to hurl!

The next thing that came to my mind is that your husband his teaching your sons how to view women in a very disrespectful way. That is to say he is molding them into the men they will be in the future.

Man, this is tough. I think the very first thing I would do is seek private counseling...just you and the counselor to talk about 'your' feelings, and your concerns for your sons. I personally would make that call immediately. And quite frankly, I see no reason to inform your husband right now. I'm not one to hide things from my s/o (well, ex now), but, when you've got to look out for yourself when you are being abused, and in my opinion, you are....look to help yourself first so that you can provide a healthy home environment for your sons.

Like they say in an airplane, put the oxygen mask on yourself first, otherwise you won't be capable of helping your kids.

Hopefully others will be along shortly to share their input.

Please, keep coming back!!!

Janitw

Tell the "boys" that they can ask your attorney that question...that ought to cure this one quickly......he he

Buffalo66

I am so sorry that you are being treated this way, and I would definitely consider divorce.

Your husband is teaching yur son how to humiliate and disrespect you, as well as women across the board. This scares me, and I am concerned that his anger will escalate and he will turn it against you in a sexual way.

You are NOT crazy for thinking that this is sick.

ICU

Although that might be a tempting response to the husband, first of all, I wouldn't give him the benefit of 'tipping him off' should she decide to consult with an attorney. And secondly, I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of it, for that is what her husband is already doing.

They are still 'kids' and they should be treated as such. The 'adult' content of conversation should be left to the adults, in this case, her and her counselor (hopefully). Her husband certainly isn't acting as an adult imo!

Sorry, no disrespect Janitw, this subject matter has me all fired up! No insult intended.

Lady BlueMiles

Welcome daisyjen.
You're husband may be sober but he has other sick issues your being presented with and dragging your kids into it. imo

You're being abused. He is degrading, humiliating, dehumanizing and disrespecting you and teaching your sons how to do the same.

I would get into counseling as soon as possible for yourself. I would also call your local domestic violence crisis center and talk to someone there about your situation and how to deal with it.

Setting boundaries and detaching from abusers can be potentially dangerous and life threatening when following suggestions from the Al-Anon program of setting boundaries and detachment. You need to consider your safety first and find the best way to make changes.

Don't minimize what he's doing to you and get the appropriate help for your situation.

ICU

Ditto and BINGO to the futher elaboration that Lady BlueMiles has expressed!!!

If you go to the stickies at the top of the forum, look for the ABUSE folder. In there is a link to a thread about DV (domestic violence and substance abusers) which will further elaborate on what LBM has just expressed. For instance....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-partners.html


I'm going to bow out of this thread for a short period of time to collect my thoughts as I am definitely 'triggered'. I need to be sure that I am as objective as possible with this subject matter...right now, I'm very emotional, and that certainly won't be helpful to you.

denny57

I would separate this behavior from alcohol and learn all you can about abuse. Because that is what is happening.

Take care.

WantsOut

Daisy, I am STEAMED to read how you have been treated. He is verbally and emotionally abusing you and teaching your boys that you (and all women) are worthless sexual objects to be ridiculed. It's beyond repulsive. We hear a lot of sick stuff on this site but this one sticks in my craw big time.

I would see a lawyer and prepare for a vicious fight because this man is an abusive pig of epic proportions. I would also never have sex with him again. I would also go to couseling with the boys and have them each see their own therapist because this man has caused them serious damage. Your 14-year-old does not like these jokes - dad is just pitting you and your boys against each other in order to maintain his abusive power. Divide and conquer.

I could write a 17-page essay if the things I think you should do. What I think you really want is validation that you are being abused. You have it. This man ... he is a horror of a human being. I'll leave it at that. I pray that you get the hell away from him. Life is too short to be spent being practically raped and certainly abused on a daily basis.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Strength ...

embraced2000

he may be sober, but what you describe is abuse. they are two entirely seperate issues, like denny said.

you are being abused. so are your children.

please seek help. he sounds very sick. and he is teaching your children this behavior .

WantsOut

One more thing ... I read your other posts. Next time he tries to manipulate you with tears remember this "pull up" BS. What a douche.

Mr. Christian

Sounds like a real charmer to me.
Now that the true character is showing it may be time for you to think about how much longer you and the kids want to deal with this.


Alanon may be good for all of you in the mean time, get to some meetings.

Janitw

ICU - I didnt mean for her to tip off her husband as to what she may or may not have in mind as to the future.......it was just a comment that popped out as a first response to an act by her husband that was revolting to say the least.....it was not meant to be taken in a literal sense at all.

I do feel she should seek professional help in this particular situation tho. And not just as far as a marriage counselor goes....just my opinion tho.....

ICU

Yeah, now I understand what you're saying Janitw.

Like I said, I had to step away from this for a little while. I was getting all churned up inside. Sorry if I took you too literally!

Next time I'll try to walk away before I set my fingers loose on my keyboard, LOL!

Viki

Daisy
Your husband may be looking for an excuse to drink again. He wants to get you amd enough so that you will either leave or threaten to leave giving him a wide open door to the ABC store. This is exactly what happened to me. When my ex did take that drink, he blamed it all on me for leaving him. Can you believe that one? I did get out and my kids remember some of the things that happened. My twin girls were 3 so they really don't remember what the words were. they can remember the liquor bottles lying in the floor. He had no visitstion and the kids wanted to knw why when they got older. I told them the truth as age appropriate would have it. Please consider the possibility of leaaving. I had nothing when I left. I got some stuff as time moved on. He lost it all because of alcohol.

Janitw

Hey its okay hunny... ((((((((((((ICU)))))))))))))))))......me toooooo.... lol

steve11694

Does his "sober" behavior represent an improvement from his "drinking behavior"? You may want to gently explain to your kids that what your husband is saying may be based on his inner psychologic problems and is neither appropriate or correct.
Is this from alcohols lingering effects on the brain or is this his "deck of cards"?

daisyjen

Hi, all.Thank you for responding. I finally brought the pull up thing to my AH again. He said he told the boys to stop it, but either he's lying or he didnt make it clear how inappropriate it was. Of course, he was trying to be nice and make up later sunday, cause soon it would be bedtime.... he's saying that the problem is me, i dont hug him, show him affection, compliment him.. how can i??? i guess maybe i am looking for validation of abuse. i did have a counselor, but he told me to stop going because she told me things he didnt like.. duh... i am trying to get stronger, taking each day as it comes... i am gonna get a recorder to record what he says to me cause sometimes my mind goes blank and i cant think straight and listening to his stupidity over and over would remind me of which direction i should be going...

ICU

Daisyjen, what does this say to you?



Sometimes that's all we can do. One foot in front of the other while we get closer and closer to where we want to be.

Have you looked into the link on abuse that was posted above? It might be an interesting read for you.

Keep coming back, ok?

denny57

He's misdirecting blame. It just doesn't matter that he told them to stop, HE DID IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

((()))