What to tell 4 yr old?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 24
What to tell 4 yr old?
Hello, I am so happy to have found this board. I have been a guest quite alot lately and have read numerous threads. I am hoping someone has a few words of advice for me. My AH is on his 2nd binge in less than a month. He has struggled with his addiction for most of his adult life. He had a relapse just 2 weeks shy of making his one year. He binged on crack and oxy's and was MIA for 7 days. He was home for 7 days and now he is gone again, this is day 2. We have a daughter that just turned 4 and is asking me some pretty hard questions and I dont know what to tell her. When she was 2 I told her daddy was away working, which she just bought. Now that she is older she doesnt understand why daddy is not here again. I dont want to lie to her but I dont think she can understand the truth either. When he went into rehab last Sept she knew he was in a hospital but never asked why. I dont want to sugar coat his behaviour but I dont want to confuse her either. Is it wrong for me to not want her to think that he is out working so hard for his family and is sacraficing his time with her for his family when in reality he left and took all the money and bank cards and left us with $6.00. How can I tell her that daddy wont be living with us anymore. Because he is definetely out of our house. He spoils her like crazy and she loves him so much. How can I not break her little heart.
I have read "What addicts do" and " If you love me let me fall" I know this is where I am with him. As much as I love him I have to walk away. But I feel so guilty doing it. I really need some advice with this one. What do I tell her when she asks why daddy is not here and where is my daddy sleeping? She also asked me why we need daddy's.
Sorry this is so long
I will introduce myself formally on another thread but really need advice fast.
Thankyou
Brokenwing
I have read "What addicts do" and " If you love me let me fall" I know this is where I am with him. As much as I love him I have to walk away. But I feel so guilty doing it. I really need some advice with this one. What do I tell her when she asks why daddy is not here and where is my daddy sleeping? She also asked me why we need daddy's.
Sorry this is so long
I will introduce myself formally on another thread but really need advice fast.
Thankyou
Brokenwing
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 234
Hello,
Welcome to SR. My husband is also an addict. We have two small children- 5 & 2. This summer things with my RAH got to the point where I felt the need to leave home. I simply told my children that Daddy was sick, and until he got better we had to live elsewhere. At that age they do not comprehend the whole drug issue. My son,5, knows that daddy does drugs and that drugs are wrong because he tends to overhear conversations that he shouldn't. He knows that if RAH does drugs again we are moving out, he does have somewhat of an understanding of things- though I really wish he didn't have to. But, I guess when it's been a part of their little lives for awhile they tend to catch on. Chances are your daughter knows that things are not right. Be as gentle with her as possible, tell her that her daddy is "sick" and because of that he cannot be around right now. That doesn't mean that Daddy doesn't love her, but right now he needs to get better before he can be there for her. Things like that. I wouldn't go into detail, but be sure that you let her know that NONE of this is her fault-my son tends to think that HE has done something wrong sometimes when things aren't good with RAH. Good luck, I know how hard it is.
((((brokenwing))))
Welcome to SR. My husband is also an addict. We have two small children- 5 & 2. This summer things with my RAH got to the point where I felt the need to leave home. I simply told my children that Daddy was sick, and until he got better we had to live elsewhere. At that age they do not comprehend the whole drug issue. My son,5, knows that daddy does drugs and that drugs are wrong because he tends to overhear conversations that he shouldn't. He knows that if RAH does drugs again we are moving out, he does have somewhat of an understanding of things- though I really wish he didn't have to. But, I guess when it's been a part of their little lives for awhile they tend to catch on. Chances are your daughter knows that things are not right. Be as gentle with her as possible, tell her that her daddy is "sick" and because of that he cannot be around right now. That doesn't mean that Daddy doesn't love her, but right now he needs to get better before he can be there for her. Things like that. I wouldn't go into detail, but be sure that you let her know that NONE of this is her fault-my son tends to think that HE has done something wrong sometimes when things aren't good with RAH. Good luck, I know how hard it is.
((((brokenwing))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 24
Thankyou so much for the quick reply. This morning I told our Daughter that daddy was sick again and thats way he wasn not here. Evevthough she was just 3 last year when AH went into rehab she remembered the hospital visits and said this morning " that daddy should stop drinking and go back to the hospital that had the bumpy road so he can get better again. It is so suprising what and how much they remember. I reassured her that he loves us very much but needs to get help to stop. She seemed to really understand and accept that. Although she misses him at least now she knows what is going on. I feel so much better. Thank you again.
Jackie
Also a special thankyou to "topsyturvey" for the literature
Jackie
Also a special thankyou to "topsyturvey" for the literature
Starry Girl
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Starry Night
Posts: 251
Hi
I have an almost four year old son and my AH has been in rehab three times (twice for several months) in his young life. This past time was for over three months this summer.
I told my son that his dad was sick and that he needed to live in "Daddy's house" so he could try to get better. That made alot of sense to my son and he would often reassure himself by saying "Mama and I are at my house, Daddy is at Daddy's house". Now, my AH was in rehab so he really was trying to get better but if he was just out of the house I would have said "Daddy is sick and he needs to live at Daddy's house now". I always made sure my son knew that both his Dad and I loved him very much and Daddy being sick had nothing to do with him.
Good luck, thanks for joining us!
I have an almost four year old son and my AH has been in rehab three times (twice for several months) in his young life. This past time was for over three months this summer.
I told my son that his dad was sick and that he needed to live in "Daddy's house" so he could try to get better. That made alot of sense to my son and he would often reassure himself by saying "Mama and I are at my house, Daddy is at Daddy's house". Now, my AH was in rehab so he really was trying to get better but if he was just out of the house I would have said "Daddy is sick and he needs to live at Daddy's house now". I always made sure my son knew that both his Dad and I loved him very much and Daddy being sick had nothing to do with him.
Good luck, thanks for joining us!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Just wanted to say hi and let you know I'm glad you are here. As you have already learned, the folks here are wonderful and truly understand your pain.
I had to smile at the bumpy road comment and your little one's memories about rehab. It is amazing what kids graps...not the whole thing about addiction, but an understanding that sometimes things have to be a little different and can be a challenge. But as long as they feel secure knowing they are loved, they are fine. Hugs - sending lots of positive thoughts your way. Give your little on an extra hug from me, okay?
I had to smile at the bumpy road comment and your little one's memories about rehab. It is amazing what kids graps...not the whole thing about addiction, but an understanding that sometimes things have to be a little different and can be a challenge. But as long as they feel secure knowing they are loved, they are fine. Hugs - sending lots of positive thoughts your way. Give your little on an extra hug from me, okay?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Welcome Brokenwing,
The addict in my life is my daughter. I don't have much advice concerning children with addicted parents. Although I have raised 3 children and have a baby grandaughter. I think I would just talk to her like you have been, on her level and do not give her too much information. It sounds to me like you are doing a good job so far. There are other wives here with small children that will be a big help to you.
Hugs to you and your little daughter............Lo
The addict in my life is my daughter. I don't have much advice concerning children with addicted parents. Although I have raised 3 children and have a baby grandaughter. I think I would just talk to her like you have been, on her level and do not give her too much information. It sounds to me like you are doing a good job so far. There are other wives here with small children that will be a big help to you.
Hugs to you and your little daughter............Lo
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 8
I have 2 little ones who are 2 and 3. We were actually about ready to start trying to conceive number 3 when I found out the awful truth about everything I had no idea about at all. Anyway, my AH is addicted to painkillers. It's been horrible and I've just known since July of this year (2007). I just recently kicked him out for the 2nd time. I have told the kids that their daddy is living with his mom and dad for a while and I just left it at that. They are too young. They know daddy is sick and goes to the doctor b/c he's in rehab at this time. That's all they need to know for now. That's how I deal with it at least. Good luck! I know how it feels. I just try and take one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: at home
Posts: 12
Brokenwing,
I too have been and still am in your spot. I used to tell my children that daddy was sick. There was a six month span where he had no contact with the children. Even now....he has his own place and they know that he has his place and we have ours. I do not tell them why.....but they know he is not well. In active recovery from heavy drugs he has been doing well. But just when I got comfortable, with him being good....he shows up at the house drunk. I dont think the children knew. I made a phone call, when I came back out...he was gone.
Someday I will tell the kids why he is so sick, so that it may prevent them from following his path. Because if they know anything...it is how much addiction has hurt me and even though they are little, they have seen me cry...when I just cant hold it back anymore.
I have been on my own now for 2 years. But all their lives it has been turmoil. Kids are brilliant little listeners and detectives, I will gaurentee they know more than we think. Choose your words carefully, dont sugar coat things, but most of all be honest to yourself and take one thing at a time. I myself have found that a face to face meeting with a counselor from a rehab center has been the best therapy I could ever have gotten. I am not nor have I ever tried drugs. But this counselor was the only one who knew where I was coming from and how severe things were in my life. I go as a C.P. it is called a concerned partner. Check it out...it might help.
I too have been and still am in your spot. I used to tell my children that daddy was sick. There was a six month span where he had no contact with the children. Even now....he has his own place and they know that he has his place and we have ours. I do not tell them why.....but they know he is not well. In active recovery from heavy drugs he has been doing well. But just when I got comfortable, with him being good....he shows up at the house drunk. I dont think the children knew. I made a phone call, when I came back out...he was gone.
Someday I will tell the kids why he is so sick, so that it may prevent them from following his path. Because if they know anything...it is how much addiction has hurt me and even though they are little, they have seen me cry...when I just cant hold it back anymore.
I have been on my own now for 2 years. But all their lives it has been turmoil. Kids are brilliant little listeners and detectives, I will gaurentee they know more than we think. Choose your words carefully, dont sugar coat things, but most of all be honest to yourself and take one thing at a time. I myself have found that a face to face meeting with a counselor from a rehab center has been the best therapy I could ever have gotten. I am not nor have I ever tried drugs. But this counselor was the only one who knew where I was coming from and how severe things were in my life. I go as a C.P. it is called a concerned partner. Check it out...it might help.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Hi Broken Wing and welcome.
I think the Daddy's Sick explanation works... and perhaps sometimes when people are sick they stay away until they get better because they love us.
HUGS
Cats
I think the Daddy's Sick explanation works... and perhaps sometimes when people are sick they stay away until they get better because they love us.
HUGS
Cats
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 204
My girls were 9 and 11 when I decided they needed to be sat down. At the advice of my family and friends I sought out help of a therapist. We had an initial sitdown (me and therapist) and she told me what to expect, what questions they were going to ask and she was RIGHT on the money. She helped me explain their dad's crack addiction and she was there to answer the questions too.
4 years old is awfully tough, I really sympathize. You could talk to a child psychologist or therapist and ask them for their advice, one thing that struck me was that the therapist told me that with kids (depending on their age) answer only their questions without adding more, be honest but again, only addressing their questions on a need to know basis, helps them to adjust.
Some might not want to hear this and I'll add this is just from my own experience, the GREATEST gift I could give my kids was to KICK HIM TO THE CURB, Yes I know that is harsh but mine and my kids peace of mind was way more important. I didn't want my girls to someday ask me "Mom, why did you put up with it?"
And they will ask. My sister is a recovering heroin addict and her teenage daughter is extremely resentful even with going to Ala-teen, her mom clean/sober for over 5 years, the scars are still there, she's now seeing a therapist and doing better but she'll still carry those scars with her because when it was bad.. it was bad.
My x-hb has almost 16 months clean and sober and has MORE than made ammends, we now co-parent and get along wonderfully, most of all I have my girls respect which means a lot to me. Even my x will tell you I did the right thing and he does not blame me.
4 years old is awfully tough, I really sympathize. You could talk to a child psychologist or therapist and ask them for their advice, one thing that struck me was that the therapist told me that with kids (depending on their age) answer only their questions without adding more, be honest but again, only addressing their questions on a need to know basis, helps them to adjust.
Some might not want to hear this and I'll add this is just from my own experience, the GREATEST gift I could give my kids was to KICK HIM TO THE CURB, Yes I know that is harsh but mine and my kids peace of mind was way more important. I didn't want my girls to someday ask me "Mom, why did you put up with it?"
And they will ask. My sister is a recovering heroin addict and her teenage daughter is extremely resentful even with going to Ala-teen, her mom clean/sober for over 5 years, the scars are still there, she's now seeing a therapist and doing better but she'll still carry those scars with her because when it was bad.. it was bad.
My x-hb has almost 16 months clean and sober and has MORE than made ammends, we now co-parent and get along wonderfully, most of all I have my girls respect which means a lot to me. Even my x will tell you I did the right thing and he does not blame me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 24
I just wnat to thank everyone again for your words of wisdom, it has truely helped me to stay strong. Just an update......My AH is still MIA and I know that he will be calling once all of the money is gone. I know that he will cry beg and ask for forgiveness, he will want to see our daughter. This really burns me. I just dont get how they think they can come and go as they please and still have any ground to stand on with regards to raising our daughter. HE cant even make the right choices when it comes to himself. I know its the drugs but please, how will I get him to leave us alone. I know he is selfish and the only pain he feels, is his own , he doesnt think his addiction affects us. When dealing with an addict jsut off a binge is it better to be firm and serious or sympathetic and serious. I know the result will be the same either way. He will get angry and blame me for breaking up the family. I dont care really. He is and has always been a spoiled brat so not getting what he wants when he wants it is going to **** him off. I dont want to worry that he will show up at my door which I know he will. How were any of you able to get them to understand that its over?
I guess this turned into a differnt thread. Sorry to have rambled on.
Jackie
I guess this turned into a differnt thread. Sorry to have rambled on.
Jackie
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
