wildcat

This is the 2nd time kicking out my ah since I found out about his pain killer addiction in July of this year. It has been going on for 3 years at least without me knowing. I kicked him out the first time after he had detoxed and started rehab b/c he decided to order drugs again. I kicked him out the 2nd time on last Monday b/c I found out his password and sure enough, ordered drugs agian. I can't do anything to make him stop. I know this. He went through everything in the book when I kicked him out even though he knew that was what was going to happen. Of course, he says it's my fault that this happened, it's my fault he took drugs in the 1st place, it's my fault that he's miserable. Blah, blah. We have 2 little kids (2&3). He's staying at his parents house so I let him see his sons as much as possible. I don't do it for him. I do it for the kids. Anyway, today he decides he's going to take them to the fair. My marriage counselor suggested I go if I could for the kids. We went. It was great. He then gives them baths and puts them to bed. He goes home and calls me. He asks if I want to watch a movie. That was a "no" right now. I feel bad but uncomfortable. I've decided to keep him out and not make a decision until I'm really ready to make one one way or another. I have decided that it is not good for us to have him in and out of the house so I need to make a decision one way or another. So, why is he so good with the kids and nice and all when he is out of the house? Is this the way it goes with everyone? Just wondering if maybe we just aren't good for each other at all and that's why.

Wascally Wabbit

Sounds normal for an addict. The manipulation, the being good for a while then falling back into same old habits.
So, he gets kicked out, then suddenly he's gold star good. He gets back in, and bam, he's back to drugging.
It's what addicts do when they are not seeking help and working some kind of program to get clean.
It's hard to watch and it hurts us, and the whole family.
You're smart not to make any rash life changing decisions. Perhaps you could visit an alanon meeting and get to know some folks in the same situation.

I must applaud you for not taking the blame for his addiction. Addicts always blame anyone who will accept that blame, for their misery. Its their way of projecting their feelings and sickness on others.

I am sorry you have to go through this and hope you find the peace and courage to make what ever decision you do make.

marle

Don't start blaming yourself. You may not be good for each other but who is an addict ever good for? Addiction does not leave much room for a relationship. Take care of you. Make that decision that is best for you and your children. Hugs, Marle

brokenwing

I know for me and my AH it has always been that way. Once he's out of the house he goes regularily to his meetings and sees his addictions counsillors and his addictions dr. We would hang out now and then and he was super nice and would rub my feet and do pretty much anything I asked him too. After a few months apart and a 21 day stay in rehab I took him back in. I am really embarassed to say that for some reason but I did. After about a month together he started to miss meetings and then I couldn't get him to scratch my back let alone rub my feet. He seemed to stop doing everything he needed to be doing to stay clean. Sure enough he relapsed after 11 months of sobriety. This is definetely a pattern that I know well. I wish I wouldn't have taken him back, back then. After our year together and his relapse I feel that I have moved 2 steps forward and 3 steps back.

Frog_2hop

Wildcat, I think it is kinda like the different way we treat strangers vs. our own family, or how we are different when we are first dating than after we get to know each other well....we can all put on a 'show' for a while. We can be on our very best behavior and hold it all together for short periods of time. It is easy to see the 'new and improved' person when he is not living with you but can it stand the test of time? I kept the thought that if he is good now, and it is a 'real' change, he'll still be good a year or two years from now, there was no hurry. So to respond to your question in the heading of your post....my thought is that he doesn't do 'better' when he is away from your home - he just does a better job of acting.

Brokenwing, hearing your story and seeing that it makes you feel like you went two steps forward and three steps back sound so much like my life. I've done so much to try to make things work for my family. I've tried not to enable but have waited and prayed and this and that for a very long time. Now it is pretty clear it was all for not. We are getting a divorce. I hear often from my family that I should have done it a long time ago - look what all I've done and where it got me. However I see that although it didn't get my family back together I DID get a lot out of it. I got piece of mind. I got a clear conscience. I may have prolonged the ugly situation, BUT I can walk away for the rest of my life knowing I did absolutely everything I could to make it work. I will not have lingering questions in the back of my mind. Although those naturally pop up in the back of my mind since I'm still in the middle of the end but I can already quickly discredit those self doubts because I left no rock unturned. So..... when you say you went two steps forward and three steps back, don't forget to look at that aspect. You tried. You gave it your best shot then gave it another. You tried to give him the chance to pull himself together and you put your heart out there again....that is not backwards - that is brave and loving. The end result is not a happily forever marriage with your husband, but that doesn't mean 'you' took backwards steps. Be proud of yourself. Have a clear conscience.

nytepassion

addict manipulation .. "be on best behavior so I can get back in the house" or so "she'll see what she's missin' " or possible he is really trying ... but the fact still remains he is an addict and eventually the addiction will call his name and he will hear it above and over all and then sooner or later addict behavior comes along and everything picks up where it left off, but worse. Recovery = The saving grace

******{Hugs}}}}
Passion

Passion

dazednconfuse

I, too, recently asked my husband to leave (he moved out two weeks ago), and am experiencing the exact same behavior. Cuts the lawn, sends me flowers/cards, even left pumpkins on the front step. I could barely get him off the couch when he lived here! And, of course, his sweet actions and promises of recovery made me doubt my decision to ask him to leave, but my heart of hearts knows the truth - it had to be done. And if I was to let him back in, I'd end up in the same boat as before, possibly worse. I should also note that I've only heard promises of recovery - haven't seen a stitch of action.

Wildcat, you're doing the right thing. Don't doubt yourself. Our situations are similar - I married my AH over a year ago with no knowledge of his addiction to painkillers. I still can't get a straight answer of exactly how long he's been addicted. As his addiction worsened, I started to realize that something was wrong, but still didn't know what. Then I found the pills. I tried to support him through rehab and recovery three times throughout the year, and all three times resulted in relapse and lies. Right to my face, time and time again. A girl has to protect herself, and it sounds like that's what you're doing.

Listen to the folks on this site. Before this situation, I had little to no experience with drugs and/or addiction. If it wasn't for the kind people posting on this site, I don't know where I'd be right now. They know their stuff, they've walked in your shoes. Keep coming back, knowing you'll find the support you'll surely need in the months to come.

BigSis

Most of us can be "good" if we know it is for a limited period of time.


If you let him back the first time he is nice, what has he learned?


There is a saying around the tables in 12-step groups - "Time takes time".


I say give yourself ALL the time you need and listen to the little voice in your gut... IT knows.

wildcat

Thanks everyone! I feel like such a horrible person but I know what I'm doing is right. His mom now thinks he's a substance abuser and not an addict so she's doing nothing to help the situation. He is definitely an addict. It has taken over our lives. He has racked up $50k in debt in one year and it's been going on for years. I seriously look back and still don't have a clue. The only reason I became suspicious is b/c we kept getting bills for all these hospitals. Doctor shopping! I just keep on believing that I'm doing right. I feel bad when he is great and doing the right things and "trying". Such is the life of the addict's family huh!

faithhopelovejr

If you still have the doctor's names, reoprt them to the Medical Board. More than likely, they have a history of prescribing pain meds to known addicts. Some of them may have already been reprimanded by the Board, but it's a HUGE money making scam, so most of them try and sneak back into the "legal" drug distribution.

Hangin' In

Wildcat,

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! You have to protect yourself and your children, and I'm talking mainly about the children's emotions. Dad's in...dad's out...dad's in...dad's out. That is enough to confuse anyone and certainly children.

And like others have said, all of us can be good "for a while". But what I've learned in my years of dealing with addiction is "time will tell". And Big Sis is so right....time takes time. That gut of yours doesn't lie. Do what is best for YOU and the CHILDREN. Try to think with your head and not your heart.

And I, too, recommend you find some Al Anon meetings and attend. BEST THING I've ever done for myself was to learn the 12 step program and work it for my good. And that's where I learned to think with my head and not with my heart. I'll never go back to my old way of living cause this way is so much more peaceful.

You hang in there and keep coming back.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

Frog_2hop

One thing I'm really working on is separating when "HE DOES WELL" from "ME". If he does well, I can be happy for HIM - not for ME or US. This is all new for me because I have been incredibly hooked for so long....thinking that to let go was to sin. I still do love him immensly but am able to clarify that better now....I love him in a way that I hope and pray the best for him....I don't love him in a way that I 'need' him like before. I was stuck before because I felt that if I loved him, and he was going through a 'good stage' that it was wrong to be apart. Now I'm learning that those two things don't have to go together. Not sure if that made sense...